busy, tired, worried

It was a busy week last week, all the way up to Sunday. All good fun but tiring. Today Deb is at work, so I'm relaxing, hoping to be fit and ready for tomorrow's toddler watching...

It's also the first day of a drug cycle, the first of five days of high-dose chemo tablets. This time -- I hope -- the side-effects will be under control!

Sunday evening: take some anti-constipation stuff. I'm assured that it has no side-effects. Plus, take a tablet to prevent another fit. This tablet has tiredness and irritability as side-effects.

btw: The oncologist, DrT, was unusually helpful last week! Rather than waiting for specific questions -- she asked if I wanted to take Dex again, to counter tiredness. And she said that I should have called her when I last suffered serious side-effects... It had never even crossed my mind that she was a doctor that I could call, for out of hours advice!

Monday morning, 3am: I take an anti-vomit tablet which has constipation as a side-effect. I've tested both options... No tablet and the chemo does make me vomit. All morning. With this tablet: no vomit just constipation. So this time I also take the anti-constipation, morning & evening.

3:30am: Half an hour after the anti-vomit tablet I take four chemo tablets. They are supposed to stop the tumour regrowing -- but there is no guarantee. Only vomiting -- at this high dosage -- is guaranteed!

Then I go back to bed for a couple of hours.

In case you are wondering: The chemo must be taken on an empty stomach, and at least an hour before eating again. The anti-vomit should be taken at least half an hour before the chemo, to allow it time to get the stomach settled. So 3am is a convenient time to start.

Monday breakfast: Another dose of the anti-constipation stuff. Plus another anti-fit tablet. Breakfast... and no feelings of nausea, no urge to vomit :-) On the other hand, constipation always takes a few days to be noticeable.

Still, one day with no problems. Only four to go!

===

As Deb left for work this morning, she seemed sad. Worried about me. She does like to get an email at lunch time, to reassure her that I am still okay. Fall unconscious in just one fun run and Deb thinks that I could fall over anytime at all ! Mind you, that risk of falling unconscious again is why I take the anti-fit tablets.

Anyway, this morning it seemed to me that Deb was worried. Or possibly tired and worried. After forty years married I claim some expertise in mood recognition.

So I spent a lot of today worried that Deb is worried. Sigh.

Now Deb is home from work -- and seems to be less worried -- thank goodness !

It's just as well I send Deb out to work a couple of days a week. It gives me time to worry without worrying Deb. And it gives Deb something to do other than worrying about me... All good :-)

Dr Nick Lethbridge / Consulting Dexitroboper

...        Agamedes Consulting / Problems ? Solved

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"You're only young once but you can stay immature forever" … per Ginger Meggs

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https://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com.au/

peak performance and a miracle cure

This week I'm at my best, it's a couple of weeks after my last chemo treatment and I've had time to recover. Sheesh! those drugs knock me around! But next week -- another week of chemo -- I'll be refining my regime of anti-side-effects treatments... I'm sure it'll be a good week :-)

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I watched a TED talk that explained how cancer can be cured by eating the right foods. It's a miracle! I'm going to shift to a diet which includes lots of licorice, lemons, pumpkin, tuna, garlic, tomato... Oh, wait, I already eat a lot of that.

But look how much better the chance of a cancer cure if I eat all of those! (And tofu and kale, of course. It's always tofu and kale...) Funny, though. It seems that you don't really need to eat that food. Just grind it into a paste and rub it on. Oh well, just another aspect of the miracle, I guess.

There's a slide showing the improved chance of a miracle cure for cancer. Look at all the different types of cancer which will be cured! With a few cancer types at the bottom of the slide where the improvement was so low that it could be ignored... Oh, yes, there's my brain cancer. In the list of cancers which will not be helped. Bother.

Still, that talk was years ago, in 2010. Science has moved on since then. The speaker is now part of a team... selling drugs with fancy names. If I want to *eat* my way to health, there are other sites. And there -- on a nice, colourful website -- are all those foods that I already eat... (Plus, of course, kale and tofu.)

I'm cured! Except, of course, that I still refuse to eat kale or tofu.

===

Looks as though I'll have to stick to my current drug regime. "My" drug's name keeps popping up on the sites describing accepted but less miraculous cures for cancer. It's still the drug of choice for treating brain cancer.

Of course that does leave the problem of side-effects. I read a few sites on treatment of "nausea" associated with chemo for cancer. Best option seems to be cannabinoids. Cannabis reduces pain (according to the US National Cancer Institute website. And it may even kill some cancer cells... in a petri dish.

Perhaps I'll try cannabis. It has an added advantage: if it's not working I'll be too stoned to notice :-)

===

Back in reality: it's been a busy week.

On Monday I ran around the lake. And again on Wednesday. Not counting warm-up and cool-down walks, "around the lake" is a six km jog. I'm still very slow but I made it :-) Mind you, I was pretty well exhausted on the other days of the week.

I did manage to fit in some social outings: lunch, coffee, coffee. This is my "peak week", as recovered as I will get after the week of chemo. (One week of chemo, three weeks to recover. Rinse & repeat.)

Social outings... One friend mentioned someone with cancer who just does not want to see anyone. That cancer involves pain, I can understand wanting to just curl up and avoid the world. My cancer has no pain; how do I feel about meeting people for coffee or lunch? Much the same...

I feel no great urge to get out and meet people. I would rather sit at home and ... well ... do the things that I do at home. On the other hand: once I get out -- I'm glad I went out. I enjoy the meeting, I don't enjoy the anticipation. Why is that?

I have no cancer-related pain. I'm not trying to hide pain while I chat. (Deb will tell you, if I'm in pain then you'll know all about it.)

I do have drug side-effects which involve sudden (or regular) visits to the toilet. That does not go well with casual conversation... So I avoid meeting people in my drug-taking week. And in the week after because I can still be unsettled.

Even in my good weeks my stomach can feel unsettled. That's just nerves, I'm worried that my stomach will cause trouble so I imagine that my stomach is unsettled. I had the same feelings -- when I was supposedly healthy -- before each fun run. As soon as the run started, I was okay. And now, as soon as I meet whoever it is, my stomach settles down.

There's also the effects of depression. One of the symptoms of depression (as I know from browsing websites) is not wanting to meet people. Yes, it can be depressing having terminal cancer. Not as depressing -- in my own experience -- as being unemployed and wondering what to do for the many remaining years of an expected long life.

This is easy depression: there's nothing I can do to change the situation so I can ignore it. (Is that "mindfulness"?) I can feel an internal worry. At the same time I can enjoy the present. (Or I read a book -- and take my mind off the present.)

For two weeks I accept that my digestive system makes me unfit for social engagements. Then for two weeks I am fit but unwilling... So I follow the process and meet people. I don't really enjoy the anticipation but I know that I will enjoy the meeting. And I do.

Then I sleep for a few hours...

Dr Nick Lethbridge / Consulting Dexitroboper

...        Agamedes Consulting / Problems ? Solved

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"You're only young once but you can stay immature forever" … per Ginger Meggs

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https://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com.au/

training plan... progress?

You're probably wondering, How is my running training plan progressing? In just a few words: Not too bad at all...

Reality may not seem to be quite so positive.

Okay, last weekend I went orienteering. I covered 6.4km, did not get lost, came last. Still a bit slow!

Yesterday Deb & I entertained our grandson. We went to the toddlers' pool, I sat and watched. Then I had an afternoon nap -- I slept longer than the toddler. And yet...

In the last week or so I have done several training runs. 5km each time. My run speed would have me finishing the Cradle Mountain run in just a bit over 13 hours. Or just over 14 hours if I included some walking. So far so good!

Except that I would have to maintain that speed for 82km -- and I am glad to slow down after just five. Perhaps I am ready for 6km non-stop? Still another 76km to cover. Drat.

My training runs mostly cover a loop, from home and back again. It is a very *flat* loop. On limestone tracks. So: add mud & rocks & rough track. And add Cradle *Mountain*... Hmmm.

My longest ever trail run (or run of any kind) was just under 48km. Some hills, good gravel tracks. It took me seven hours 20... fast enough to run Cradle Mountain in less than 13 hours. Except for that mud & rock & rough track ... and mountain. Hmmm again.

Those long trail runs were "back when I was fit and healthy". And younger, though by just a couple of years :-) When I crashed out of the fun run into ED I was already setting my sights on half rather than full marathons... Mostly because I'm far too lazy to train. Especially for the longer distances.

Is it time to give up trying to run further? (But not necessarily faster.) No way!

Deb & I took up trail running about five years ago. Even then, my long term target was the Cradle Mountain run. Even then, I had no expectation that I would ever be fit enough to enter, let alone complete the run. So what has changed? Nothing much!

Same long term target. Same expectation. A new time limit of three years one month and a few days. No need to save my legs for later!

Reality indicates that I have little (or no) chance of running Cradle Mountain. Too bad! I do have the plan...

Okay, I have the vague direction. First, I get comfortable with 5km. Then six. Then... more. Then Cradle Mountain -- here I come!

No worries :-)

Dr Nick Lethbridge / Consulting Dexitroboper

...        Agamedes Consulting / Problems ? Solved

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"You're only young once but you can stay immature forever" … per Ginger Meggs

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https://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com.au/

sweet & sour

Yesterday I throw out my sugar collection. Sorry kids, you can stop fighting over who inherits Dad's sugar collection. (You take it... No, *you* take it... nooo, you...)

Today I cried. Eh what?! Let's go back a bit...

Years ago I started collecting sugar sachets, those small paper containers holding "one serve" of sugar. My friend had said, Look at this one, it only holds *half* a serve! Well, I thought, let's test that theory...

It was too late to measure the content of that particular sachet, the sugar was already in the coffee. But, I reasoned, if one sachet is underweight then others will also be underweight. How accurate is the machine in the factory which produces sugar sachets?

The cynic in me also wondered, Will the "one serve" remain constant over time? Or will -- at some future date -- "one serve" be smaller than the current serve size? I decided to gather a few sample sachets, to compare their weights. Both "now" and over time.

Well, I never did weigh any of these sachets... but I did collect them. It became a habit.

I tried to get a range of different brands; already-collected brands were left for the cafe to throw away. Holidays were  a source of new brands: "sugar" in several different languages, all interesting. Cafe chains often had their own branded sachets. Individual cafes and hotels and restaurants had their own... I was always on the lookout for "unique": two of each.

A few years ago Deb complained that cockroaches were eyeing off my sugar collection. I had two or three kilos of sugar -- hundreds of sachets. All different colours and patterns, from around the world. I spent several long days sorting, putting like with like, removing the sugar... I had long ago lost interest in the actual sugar in each sachet, the wrapper was the thing.

And there it sat. Hundreds of sugar sachets, half with no sugar. (I never finished either emptying or sorting.) Some sorted by colour. I had some vague idea of creating a picture using sachets as the colours. (Though I have no artistic ability.)

Then I stopped collecting, largely because all of our holidays -- or coffees -- were in places using generic sugar sachets, nothing unique.

And a couple of years later, I've run out of time to "do something" with the sachets. Time to clear the desk...

Yesterday I cleared the desk. Placed two large shoe boxes full of sugar sachets into the bin. Today the rubbish was collected, the bin was emptied. I was relaxing after breakfast when I started crying.

I've had nearly five months of knowing that I have "terminal cancer". This is the first time that I have felt so miserable for so long. Even now -- if the bin were still waiting to be emptied -- I would rush outside and salvage my sugar collection.

My sugar collection was stupid but it was my stupid. No one else (as far as I know) is stupid in the same way. It took me years to collect all those sachets. They represented a future action -- perhaps a pointless work of art -- which I knew would never happen. But which was always there. Always possible.

Now that future action is impossible. The sugar is gone. Years of collecting is trashed, I will never be able to rebuild the collection. Nothing else -- nothing cancer  related -- has affected me as badly. It made me cry. It still upsets me.

It's a practical reminder that my future is, indeed, limited.

Bugger.

Then Deb went out and bought me a small Meccano kit. Deb is so sweet :-) It does make me feel better. A good night's sleep will also help.

And such are the trials and tribulations of life.

Speaking of which: There's still no absolute date set for the end of life! So... time to enjoy what's left. Sugar sachets or not :-)

Dr Nick Lethbridge / Consulting Dexitroboper

...        Agamedes Consulting / Problems ? Solved

===

"You're only young once but you can stay immature forever" … per Ginger Meggs

===

https://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com.au/

and so it passes...

In the spirit of scientific study, Sunday was spent testing various treatments for constipation. In the spirit of human decency I won't document the full story. Just try not to think of ... well, just try not to think of it.

End result: Monday evening and I'm eating again. Feeling well enough to over-eat, trying not to. Innards suffering the effects of shock, feeling a mild uncertainty... but I'd call it, "Cured". Now for a few weeks of gradual improvement :-)

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Here's an interesting concept:

Doctors give you Drug A which has unfortunate side-effects B. So they add Drug C to fight side-effect B. Drug C has its own side-effect D. So you are given drug E to counter D... and so on. Until:

When the side-effect is "constipation", doctors breathe a sigh of relief. Because... there are many and varied treatments for constipation. And many of those treatments are both effective -- and have no further side-effects. So the side-effect shuffle can cease.

Interesting!

I'm almost looking forward to testing next month's A B C D side-effect shuffle. Though I shall try to be a bit more proactive... The more I test, the more proactive I can be :-)

Dr Nick Lethbridge / Consulting Dexitroboper

...        Agamedes Consulting / Problems ? Solved

===

"You're only young once but you can stay immature forever" … per Ginger Meggs

===

https://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com.au/

how to use a suppository

I spent an hour or two tonight, testing & learning how to use a suppository. Do you want to know how to do it? Don't bother reading what I have learnt.

On Friday I finished five days of chemo, five days of swallowing chemo tablets. I balanced the "nausea" side-effect with a daily "anti-nausea" tablet. Instead of being sick -- vomiting -- I now have constipation. So, out with the constipation-curing suppository.

Bring out "the bum bomb"!

It's simple to use: shove it up my backside and wait.

So...

Have you ever shoved something up your backside? (Truth to tell -- I do not want to know your answer.) All that I have ever shoved up my backside is the very occasional bum bomb. Which is a little longer and a little thinner than the last knuckle of my little finger. Small and slippery.

So... shove it up my backside.

Just where is my backside? Okay, I know the one that I can usually find with both hands, even with my eyes closed. But what I need is the anus, the opening. It's in there somewhere, in the crack of my bum... Ah, that's it. Shove in the bum bomb...

And here I learn an important lesson of constipation: constipation comes in two parts. (a) A solid lump which will not go out and (b) a tightly clenched anus which will not let it out.

Along with (b) is the tightly clenched anus which resists the insertion of the bum bomb.

Still... I find the anus. Line up the bum bomb. Get it started. And... push! Slowly but steadily. carefully. And... finally... the bum bomb is inserted.

I should mention: The bum bomb is the consistency of firm jelly. Not quite as firm as a jellybaby. As I push, the bomb tends to bend. Let it bend too far -- and it just lies flat along the base of the bum crack. I know, I did this several times.

Anyway... the suppository is finally inserted. I relax. Will it work?

Two minutes later I have the urgent need to go to the toilet... I sit, I shit... except that I don't really shit. What comes out is the almost intact bum bomb. I leave it sitting in the toilet bowl.

Fail number one.

Meanwhile, Deb has searched the internet for instructions. She reads them out to me. This is not something that Deb wants to watch... I wait till she goes to bed, then follow the instructions:

Lie on my left side, left leg straight out.

Raise right knee. Insert bum bomb. For some reason, it stings ! Never done that before... Oh well, grin and bare it and bear it...

Maintain position. Have you ever tried to lie down with one knee stuck up in the air? I try leaning the knee against a sofa. That works, for about a minute. I'm struggling, the knee is uncomfortable, the whole leg is under strain. I manage to maintain position until...

Until I have the desperate urge to go to the toilet.

And -- you guessed it! -- what comes out is bum bomb! Or, at least, what's left of it, which is not much. When I wipe my backside there is, indeed, a smear of poo. Better than nothing! There is also a smear of blood. It's time to give up.

Fail number two.

I go to bed.

But can't sleep. So I get up and write this post. And wonder if I'll try another bum bomb -- or something else -- tomorrow.

It's been... interesting. I've learnt something about how to insert a suppository. Or, rather, I've learnt a few things which do not work :-)

===

DrT -- the oncologist -- refers to "nausea" and "anti-nausea". In practical terms the choice seems to be, vomit each morning or suffer constipation towards the end of the week. I may just go back to vomit... at least it ends comfortably.

===

Apart from that -- it's been a good week :-) Well, okay, my stomach did not want food but did not reject it, either. I slept for most of 48 hours at the end of the week. But that's the end of chemo for another three weeks.

This (Saturday) afternoon I went orienteering, a short course. I went with Deb's sister, for the good company and... as reassurance, just in case I collapsed, which I did not :-) In fact, I felt better for having walked the 2km course.

Now it's time to go back to bed and hope that the constipation sorts itself out. I don't want to be like the constipated mathematician (yes, I know it's an old joke): he worked it out with paper and pencil...

Dr Nick Lethbridge / Consulting Dexitroboper

...        Agamedes Consulting / Problems ? Solved

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"Progress isn't made by early risers. It's made by lazy men trying to find easier ways to do something." … Robert A. Heinlein

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https://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com.au/

Hair today...

Tuesday, mid-morning:

The extra-strong anti-nausea tablet seems to have done its job! I've eaten breakfast and kept it down. And I feel quite well. Well enough that Deb and I are about to head out for coffee and cake.

Despite my feeling well, Deb has a problem: surely my hair embarrasses me? Well, no... because *I* can't see it :-)

So I had Deb take a photo... Bald in patches, a scar still visible. Okay, so it does look embarrassing... Luckily, though, it does not embarrass me... Although  I must admit that I would rather not have looked at the scar. Yuk!

====    Dr Nick Lethbridge
Flâneur / Consulting Dexitroboper
Agamedes Consulting / Problems? Solved.
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"Never underestimate the power of human stupidity." … Robert A. Heinlein
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notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com.au
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