me and Elton

This blog is written entirely for my own benefit. I write then feel better for having got it off my mind. (Whatever "it" is.

Yet I know that other people read the blog. Other people who may care about how I am feeling. Someone who does not read it (as far as I know) is my GP. But I do know that my GP is upset when I make a casual joke about my impending death. So, with the GP I try to avoid the death jokes. Which is fine because she deals with my day-to-day health. She has no special focus on cancer. I feel better after a chat with the GP when, for example, the topic is getting a covid inoculation. In a similar way I sometimes -- in this blog -- dodge round the issue of my being terminal. I get the benefit of posting but, I hope, not adding too much worry to readers.

It's all false!

Well, no, it's not all false :-) But sometimes it takes me a while to document things which may be difficult for a reader. Also difficult for me. It can take me a while to decide how I want to write something. Because how I write is how I think... and that affects how I feel.

Okay, the subject of this post is "me and Elton". I'll get to that... eventually. This is a touchy-feely post. Which takes a lot of words :-)

I have this vague hope that this blog may help another person who has terminal cancer. Or, more likely, help a person who knows someone with terminal cancer. Let them know that they are not the only ones. Help them understand that there are ups and downs.

Mind you, one book that I read that was written by a man dying with brain cancer -- it really annoyed me. He was an idiot. That is, his attitude to his impending death was... very negative. (Yes, I know, that sounds like a rather stupid objection.)

Anyway... I'm awake and thinking... thinking that I have not posted some important stuff from the last couple of weeks. Stuff which is hard to write because it was not happy thoughts. (I wonder if I cover the difficulty by using lots of words?)

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What makes me suddenly think of this is... I suddenly feel a lot better :-)

Deb has a bad cold. I think that I have a weak version of the same. Tiredness, fuzzy mind, general low feeling... All of which makes me feel a bit miserable. Which comes out as feelings of impending death.

Suddenly... I feel as though I have shaken off the cold. I can feel the difference. And I can feel that impending death is suddenly not an issue. Really. I can feel that my mood has lifted. Physical improvement leads directly to emotional improvement.

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So, that feeling of impending death... More a conscious awareness that, yes, I will be dead. Not an expectation. A feeling that time is running short. That there are things to do... and less time to do them.

Now... that feeling is gone. Nothing I do other than shaking off a cold.

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Oh yes: Today the brain surgeon shows us pictures of my brain. Still some possibly excess fluid but no blood. So we wish each other Merry Christmas and hope to not meet again :-)

Here's a quote from Chuck Norris: You can always tell a person's real character and personhood by those who closely surround him, especially if they're family. By which standard... I have a really terrific character :-)

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So, Elton John: In his biopic there's a scene where Elton is having a really bad day. The lights go up... he walks out onto the public stage -- and he makes a visible change. From miserable... to the full-on smiling entertainer. Sometimes, that's how it is. Doesn't matter how I feel... with other people -- I will be smiling. It's not fake. With those other people -- I am happy. But it does take a conscious effort to switch from personal angst to public cheer. It's worth it -- the shift is actual: if I look happy, I am happy. I hope that it was an actual shift for Elton John.

Dr Nick Lethbridge / Consulting Dexitroboper

...        Agamedes Consulting / Problems ? Solved

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There are no disasters, only opportunities. And, indeed, opportunities for fresh disasters." ... Boris Johnson

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Dying for you to read my blog, at https://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com/ :-)