Miserable but relaxed

I'm in a particularly miserable few weeks (or more?). Miserable enough that it upsets Deb. So I tell Deb that I will try not to let my misery be too visible. Why don't I blog it? Deb asks. Funny, I'm not keen. Or, more accurately it's a mix of not keen and can't be bothered.

Me being miserable is not new. It's still the misery that started when I stopped paid employment. wtf do I do now? I don't have all-consuming hobbies. I played WoW for hours on end but a new release makes it too complicated. I  played cards online but the government has banned that.

What I did enjoy -- for hours on end -- was writing "my phone app". Until I reached the limits of my coding skill. So I bite the bullet, do what seems to work for others and paid other people to code it.

The latest batch of morons obviously can't or won't read. They return a "design" which has no relationship to what I describe. So I've given up. Yes, I'm still waiting on whatever they produce next but I don't expect anything useful.

Deb alsos suggests that I could see a psychologist.

Yep, I could admit defeat. Admit that my ability to manage my own misery has failed. And what would a psychologist do? Tell me to be happy? Cure my cancer? Write my app? Not interested (perhaps I should be. Perhaps drug-and-talk-induced fake happiness would be nice.)

So now I have nothing to keep my mind busy. I look at the "design" rubbish and just give up. Give up the app and give up interest in life. I still tick over. Enjoy the family, play with the grandson (the g-daughter is still at the boring pre-speech age). I still plan holidays (Deb and I have three to plan). But if I drop dead today, well, wtf. Which attitude does have a benefit:

Each MRI scan brings stress, will this be the one where my brain is visibly dying? Well, this last causes hardly a ripple. Has my cancer exploded? I don't really care. And that -- not caring -- is something to be glad about :-)

So I've written about my misery. I can pin the blame entirely on the failure to develop my app. The probability of death (which feels very real) is not a great problem. Relatively speaking. After all, death is just an essential part of life. And if I'm actually dying then I can finally and formally admit that my app will never happen. That will be a relief. 

And guess what. I still feel just as miserable. Oh well.

Dr Nick Lethbridge / Consulting Dexitroboper

...        Agamedes Consulting / Problems ? Solved

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If you're not a part of the solution, then you're part of the vast majority. (Alfred E. Neuman)

Dying for you to read my blog, at https://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com/ :-)