Back home, back to the brain scans. That's yesterday. We won't know results for a week.
It's become sort of ordinary. Okay, I do feel a bit worried. I shout, I swear, I'm easily annoyed when I can't do something. In fact. I'm just as usual.
Have I reached the final stage of dealing with grief? ... acceptance?
When I reached 70 I thought, that's quite old. At my age there are all sorts of things which can kill me. There's no need to worry over the one at the head of the queue.
A few days ago, I'm going round the lake. I've had my heart and lungs tested, both seem okay (though the lungs have occasional limited capacity for no obvious reason. I think I do need to exercise both heart and lungs. Perhaps push a little harder.
A month ago I ran at a consistent 111 bpm (oh, the fun of a GPS watch, I can see my heart rate :-)
So this time I push a bit harder, just a bit. Enough to get my heart ticking at 120bpm. or thereabouts. I'm still moving slowly, it's 90 mins to get round the lake.But I feel that it's good exercise, for the heart and possibly for the lungs.
Won't I feel silly if my heart fails :-)
Last weekend we went orienteering. Deb's sister went with us. The sister and I did a VE course, I followed. It was good to be out and about. Even following fences... I was mostly confused.
It was good for us and allowed Deb to do a Medium course by herself. And I had the pleasure of following an attractive but different woman :-)
Tonight we are back from seeing lights in Kings Park. I can't remember the name, a display of coloured flashing lights decorating the park. Very impressive. Both better and worse than I expected.
It's cold but pleasant, no wind, only a sprinkle of rain.
All I do is follow Deb. I watch my feet, the path is level, it's other people that I worry about. When someone stops in front of me I wait, I can't see where to go to pass them.
The light show is impressive but wasted on me. I watch my feet, if I look at lights to the side, I start to lose the path. So I don't fully appreciate the patterns of the lights.
It's a bit like walking through a showroom full of TVs, lots of light, little sense.
So it's somewhat wasted on me... but it's an enjoyable experience.
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I'm using yet another device to type this post. It's a laptop. Windows based, so familiar. With a real keyboard.
It's not perfect. A bit big, for one thing. It takes a while to get some things working... working as I want them, that is.
So far, I have *not* had any urge to throw it in the bin. So that's a huge improvement on the apple tablet :-)
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I claim that this latest scan does not really worry me.
And yet... I'm up late. Restless. Tired but doing this and that, rather than going to bed. It's what I do when I'm worried about something. I stay up late and do some of the things which I otherwise would worry about. Reducing the worry load :-)
After all, who needs sleep...
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When I sleep I dream. Some, I remember.
It's fun trying to understand what influences a dream. Sometimes it's a book that I'm reading that gets warped into a dream.
Quite often it's something that affects me when I'm awake, I deal with or act on it in a dream.
One time, I wake up with the clear impression of a stranger in our bedroom. It only takes seconds to identify it as a dream, a nightmare. It takes longer to get over the fright. Lucky I don't have many nightmares.
I dream that we're in the truck. Deb driving. This dream is from me wanting to drive but I can't. Then the dream abandons reality...
The truck is being controlled from outside. By a cat... I use the torch app on my phone to see the cat. Dreams reflect but abandon reality. In reality, I have never been able to find that torch app when I need it.
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Speaking of not driving...
I am blind to my left. So Deb won't let me drive.
In SA a man was driving with the same blindness as mine, he hit and killed a cyclist.
In WA cyclists owe a debt of gratitude to Deb. I complain but I won't drive.
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Good decision not to drive, but i agree it would be frustrating at times.
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