breathing

After a restless night... I wake tired and miserable.

Lungs not working, feeling suffocated, not at all pleasant.

Hours later, well rested, lungs now working -- I'm feeling far more cheerful. :-)

Okay... in general terms, body parts which will fail as cancer destroys brain stem:

Lower body limbs, I'll fall over

heart, I'll move (even) slower

lungs: I'll puff and pant-- okay, that's why I puff *after* walking somewhere. Lungs take a while to *restore* oxygen levels

upper body: on a separate(non-brain stem)  set of nerve etc paths. That's good, I'll be able to haul myself up for longer.

... 

Dr Nick Lethbridge... Churchlands

  Agamedes Consulting ... dexitroboper(*):

(*) you provide facts and data

I return solutions and possibilities and ADVICE

================

6 Thornbill Way  /  0419197772

http://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com
dying for you to read it :-)

and ranting: My Three Rs

running down

I wake up early but feeling weak and tired... about the same as the last few days, so that's okay.

morning tea with a friend, I mostly stay awake ( I think,

my vision is definitely getting worse

I think it is the tumour growing and squashing a different part of the seeing part of the brain

i have to look slowly and carefully, especially when reaching out to balance on something..

I've  been thinking that the tumour is in a vision area... it's not.

in a very early post I am told that the right anterior is for proprioception and sure enough, years later I have trouble with shoe laces.

today I feel just a bit disconnected from the physical world. because I cannot clearly see the world.

running down but not, today, completely run down :-)

 

.. Dr Nick Lethbridge ... dexitroboper
Agamedes Consulting... Churchlands WA


... you provide data and facts ... I return solutions, and possibilities and ADVICE


6 Thornbill Way / 0419197772
   

how does cancer kill?

It's a confusing day...

rather than see what I posted earlier:

Tell people you have cancer and they prepare for the funeral :-)

it's one disease (or maybe not?) that affects almost any part of the body. And then kills you! Or does it...

Forget "cancer" the problem is "cancerous cells".

These cells affect otherwise normal cells and cause them to grow... fast... into a lump of "cancer".

The lump is no longer normal... and it grows hard and fast... and stops the normal operation of wherever it is growing.

If a cancerous growth appears in the middle of a lung, that lung can no longer work as it should.

Bad enough... then the cancer sheds more cancerous cells

... which spread (flowing with the blood?

These mobile cancerous cells land somewhere, create new cancer growths and stop other organs from working correctly.

cancerous cells spreading this tendency to grown cancers... and thus to stop normal operation of the various essential parts of the body.

Some cancers can be cut out, others treated to slow growth. The cancerous cells are all over the place. Very hard (impossible?) to remove.

... 

Dr Nick Lethbridge... Churchlands

  Agamedes Consulting ... dexitroboper(*):

(*) you provide facts and data

I return solutions and possibilities and ADVICE

================

6 Thornbill Way  /  0419197772

http://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com
dying for you to read it :-)

and ranting: My Three Rs

double-void anger

doctors, especially when they have you trapped in hospital,

love to tell you, be sure that your bladder is empty... Then they tell you to use the double- void

but never tell you how :-(

I spent weeks learning how. While learning, it added ten or more minutes to each pee.

Now it's quick and natural. Less than a minute extra, if I remember to do it.

So why not put those mighty medical minds to some practical use -- write simple instructions. What is double-void and how do we do it, quickly?

... 

Dr Nick Lethbridge... Churchlands

  Agamedes Consulting ... dexitroboper(*):

(*) you provide facts and data

I return solutions and possibilities and ADVICE

================

6 Thornbill Way  /  0419197772

http://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com
dying for you to read it :-)

and ranting: My Three Rs

path to death

Normally my sleep may be interrupted but is relaxed.

last night, for some reason, I wake up angry... Why waste a good emotion:

My path to death is expected to be:

... get more tired, get weaker. Not drop dead suddenly, rather, my body will warn me a few days before it collapses. All this must be quite standard.

So Why have I learnt it in bits and pieces?

Where is the single page handout which makes it all clear?

The brain surgeon points at me and says, you could be dead within days.

The oncologist disagrees but has no alternative, she just disagrees.

Surely dying of brain cancer is nothing rare... get the facts (or most likely probabilities) straight -- and tell the patient.

Or is the doctor too important to care to inform the patient :-(

... 

Dr Nick Lethbridge... Churchlands

  Agamedes Consulting ... dexitroboper(*):

(*) you provide facts and data

I return solutions and possibilities and ADVICE

================

6 Thornbill Way  /  0419197772

http://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com
dying for you to read it :-)

and ranting: My Three Rs

Silver Chain facts

SC nurses are great value. Caring, careful, well organised.

I'm asked the usual health questions, I'm very well, thanks, no pain, no problems.

Do I have any bed sores? I always think that a bed sore is a sore area from sitting all day on the same area.

No... As we age the skin gets thinner -- and can tear open! A bed sore can be a torn-open wound. Made worse by lying on it all day...

At this point I decide that I will get out of bed and walk (slowly) round the house :-)

... 

Dr Nick Lethbridge... Churchlands

  Agamedes Consulting ... dexitroboper(*):

(*) you provide facts and data

I return solutions and possibilities and ADVICE

================

6 Thornbill Way  /  0419197772

http://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com
dying for you to read it :-)

and ranting: My Three Rs

re Support for Deb

Thank you :-)

... and always nice to see you.

... 

Dr Nick Lethbridge... Churchlands

  Agamedes Consulting ... dexitroboper(*):

(*) you provide facts and data

I return solutions and possibilities and ADVICE

================

6 Thornbill Way  /  0419197772

http://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com
dying for you to read it :-)

and ranting: My Three Rs

how does cancer kill?

Just a few weeks ago I wondered, how does cancer kill? As soon as I wondered, I realised that the answer is *not* obvious. (Not even in Wikipedia)

In fact, my more curious wonder was, how come I've never wondered about this before?!

I mean, I've had "terminal cancer" for 7 or 8 years and never thought beyond... *when* will it kill me?

I think I now understand... enough of the how to explain to my own satisfaction... I'll put up a separate post.

For this post: I claim to be analytical -- and only now am looking into the deeper question. Disappointingly slow to get to this key question. :-(

... 

Dr Nick Lethbridge... Churchlands

  Agamedes Consulting ... dexitroboper(*):

(*) you provide facts and data

I return solutions and possibilities and ADVICE

================

6 Thornbill Way  /  0419197772

http://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com
dying for you to read it :-)

and ranting: My Three Rs

March 2025 MRI

This is what comes from the MRI scan

Some of it makes sense... but only because I know and have it explained in English  what's happening anyway.

===

MRI BRAIN + GAD 08/03/2025 Reference: 725335

MRI BRAIN

CLINICAL HISTORY:

72-year-old male with right parietal GBM. Good radiological response

to Bevacizumab. No clinical improvement.

FINDINGS:

Comparison is made with multiple previous cranial MRIs, with the most

recent from 06/01/2025.

There has been disease progression since the most recent previous MRI

with increase in size of the contrast enhancing soft tissue mass

along the posterolateral margin of the right occipital lobe resection

cavity. There is now lobular thick enhancing tissue within this mass

which measures approximately 37 mm (CC) x 28 mm (TV) x 36 mm (AP).

This previously measured 19 x 18 x 13 mm.

The overall size of the resection cavity and associated septal

enhancement has not changed.

There is stable surrounding high T2 and FLAIR signal likely relating

to encephalomalacia/gliosis and post-treatment change.

There stable haemosiderin staining of the resection cavity. No

evidence of diffusion restriction.

No new enhancing parenchymal mass or leptomeningeal enhancement is

identified.

Stable shallow extra-axial collection over the right parietal

convexity measuring approximately 7 mm in depth.

There is stable diffuse neuro-parenchymal volume loss with dilatation

of the lateral and 3rd ventricles.

COMMENT:

There has been disease progression since the most recent previous MRI

from 06/01/2025 with increase in the enhancing soft tissue mass

within the periphery of the right occipital lobe resection cavity.

===  

... 

Dr Nick Lethbridge... Churchlands

  Agamedes Consulting ... dexitroboper(*):

(*) you provide facts and data

I return solutions and possibilities and ADVICE

================

6 Thornbill Way  /  0419197772

http://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com
dying for you to read it :-)

and ranting: My Three Rs

tired

I've spent the day resting and reading. With occasional exercise of... walking to the toilet (and back)

I may be feeling weak -- but can't tell because I'm not doing anything :-)

Deb has been out with kids. Taking them to school, to school dentist (their mother :-), to swimming lessons. One of us is busy! Deb will be home soon with our takeaway dinner. I'll keep my eyes open... or I may just fall asleep.

I've just -- and I think it's a safe decision -- I've just deleted the notice about the next (12 hour) rogaine.

12 minute coffee and cake may be my exercise limit... maybe by next week!

... 

Dr Nick Lethbridge... Churchlands

  Agamedes Consulting ... dexitroboper(*):

(*) you provide facts and data

I return solutions and possibilities and ADVICE

================

6 Thornbill Way  /  0419197772

http://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com
dying for you to read it :-)

and ranting: My Three Rs

support Deb: now

I've always said that my cancer is worse for Deb than for me.

Tonight I realise that it's worse than worse :-(

My natural response to reality is to ignore it.

I do have flashes of despair, of fear, of -- in this case -- of sudden non-existence.

Actually, these flashes are usually in response to disasters which have already affected other people).

For myself. impending doom is simply set aside

in an overall attitude of, nah, it'll never happen to me...

Or: If you can't laugh at yourself -- you're missing the whole point of life

Or, as my mother would tell me I am, like my father, cold and emotionless.

No, I prefer: If you can't laugh at yourself -- you're missing the whole point of life .

I'm looking back through old entries to this blog: Posts start from the first day of terminal cancer diagnosis... already, I was making jokes... that's my coping strategy. From that position it is quite easy to move to an attitude of calm acceptance.

From that first day... Deb has had to put up with the same knowledge of my ultimate death... but without the built-in resistance to reality.

Deb and I can discuss my now-ever-closer death, which is a terrific help for me.

But where does Deb go for sympathy? For a shoulder to cry on?

Does Deb *need* a shoulder to cry on? Perhaps? perhaps not.

Just in case... please be willing to offer.

Deb's sister:  ... are you reading this? You are my first thought...

###

When I'm dead, I'll be fine.

Already, I'm relaxed and -- except for occasional flashes -- I'm fine.

When I'm dead, Deb will cope.

It's now... that Deb may be needing care and sympathy...

...It's beyond my skills.

Please be willing to help and support Deb. Now. When whatever she needs may be less obvious.

... 

Dr Nick Lethbridge... Churchlands

  Agamedes Consulting ... dexitroboper(*):

(*) you provide facts and data

I return solutions and possibilities and ADVICE

================

6 Thornbill Way  /  0419197772

http://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com
dying for you to read it :-)

and ranting: My Three Rs

news?paper

wow! it's a while since I've been so disgusted at the stupidity in the daily paper

...and I'm still tired... but with enough annoyance to blog my disgust!

don't worry.... all that is in my other blog :-)

.. Dr Nick Lethbridge ... dexitroboper
Agamedes Consulting... Churchlands WA


... you provide data and facts ... I return solutions, and possibilities and ADVICE


6 Thornbill Way / 0419197772
   

weak and weary

phew! I am feeling weak and weary, and have a mild headache.

all as expected... I'm not sure if these symptoms are real-- or just matching my expectations.

I have a snooze and wake up feeling just as weak and weary!

deb tells me that I do seem better than when I was taking chemo

... so that's good.

... and we go out for coffee and cake, even better :-)

.. Dr Nick Lethbridge ... dexitroboper
Agamedes Consulting... Churchlands WA


... you provide data and facts ... I return solutions, and possibilities and ADVICE


6 Thornbill Way / 0419197772
   

brain fade

did I claim that my mental faculties are still working? hah!

I've spent half a day trying to forward an email to two other people... failing. 

A good email, too!

===

there's a letter from me in today's (21stMay) paper.

a letter is usually printed or not, no extra comment.

the Letters Editor sent me a personal note about my letter, including the words new and sensible.

quite a thrill :-)

.. Dr Nick Lethbridge ... dexitroboper
Agamedes Consulting... Churchlands WA


... you provide data and facts ... I return solutions, and possibilities and ADVICE


6 Thornbill Way / 0419197772
   

no hurry to post

For a while, months ago, I worried that I could lie down for a nap and wake up dead... No longer a great worry:

Okay, still a worry for Deb. When she leaves me home alone, I keep the phone close by. Deb will text to ask if I'm okay. Pity that I don't hear, or ignore, my phone:-( 

===

Now I have been reassured: death will not be sudden.

===

When the body has decided that it will die

... it begins to close down... a few days before.

I may be tired (even fuzzy) -- but there is no feeling that my body is preparing to close down.

...This is just a restless, clear-my-mind post

... then it will be... back to bed, to sleep

... 

Dr Nick Lethbridge... Churchlands

  Agamedes Consulting ... dexitroboper(*):

(*) you provide facts and data

I return solutions and possibilities and ADVICE

================

6 Thornbill Way  /  0419197772

http://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com
dying for you to read it :-)

and ranting: My Three Rs

slow decline

at this stage:

Not much physical change

More tired, slightly weaker. Both are expected. Neither are interestingly visible.

mental changes: memory seems okay, as clear as ever

But... less patience. I do my usual crosswords. When one word is difficult -- I am very willing to give up on the entire puzzle.

emotional

... Most of the current "action" is emotional.

Nothing much to see.

I still prefer to keep an even keel. To appear -- and to actually be -- calm and  cheerful, 

Yes... I do feel calm and cheerful... and enjoying my favourite kind of holiday: doing nothing much.

Yet there are occasional bursts of emotional turmoil.

which I need to suppress. It's been a good life. It's still a good life.

And yes: the calm cheer is not entirely natural -- but once established --  it is entirely real.

... 

Dr Nick Lethbridge... Churchlands

  Agamedes Consulting ... dexitroboper(*):

(*) you provide facts and data

I return solutions and possibilities and ADVICE

================

6 Thornbill Way  /  0419197772

http://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com
dying for you to read it :-)

and ranting: My Three Rs

not in denial

Falling asleep, I realise that I an definitely not in denial.

Every so often I wonder: am I now accepting imminent death? or am I in denial?

Tonight I examine my thinking:

No, definitely not denial.

Nor are my feelings calm (or otherwise) denial.

Nope, not denial.

My feelings are: absolute disbelief:

How can*I* be heading for *death* ?!

It is just... completely... not on :-)

Then I wonder: should I rush to document this? Rush before the thoughts die with me?

no, No rush

... but there will be another post:

... 

Dr Nick Lethbridge... Churchlands

  Agamedes Consulting ... dexitroboper(*):

(*) you provide facts and data

I return solutions and possibilities and ADVICE

================

6 Thornbill Way  /  0419197772

http://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com
dying for you to read it :-)

and ranting: My Three Rs

sleepy and... fuzzy?

8pm: I go to bed tired, very tired

... and fuzzy? That's not quite the right word. but close enough.

I'm asleep  within minutes. Deb follows, turns off lights, I don't notice, I'm sound asleep This is standard, lately.

10:30... I wake up, get up for a pee, drink a bit... the weather is cold and very dry/drying.

Back to bed. As my head hits the pillow I have a brief flash of thought about death...nothing worth mentioning... meaning... I can't remember the thought -- tho at the time it did seem important,

Back to a sound sleep. beginning (next post) with a thought that I do remember...

... 

Dr Nick Lethbridge... Churchlands

  Agamedes Consulting ... dexitroboper(*):

(*) you provide facts and data

I return solutions and possibilities and ADVICE

================

6 Thornbill Way  /  0419197772

http://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com
dying for you to read it :-)

and ranting: My Three Rs

okay -- but tired

Silver Chain phone, checking on how I feel. All good, no pain, bowels move, etc... all the usual medical questions.

... I may be fine -- but I am very very tired.

I sleep most of the afternoon. Listening to loud (old) music on the PC.

Fail to notice a couple of texts from Deb, which worries Deb. She phones, I answer -- phew :-)

I've taken to going to sleep before 8pm, getting up again before 6am. Not sure why except that this morning I jerk awake with a minor cramp.

I'm tired but... we still get out for coffee and cake :-)

Walking is okay (well, less than 100m anyway) but I have to be very careful at start and end, when I am still unsteady.

... 

Dr Nick Lethbridge... Churchlands

  Agamedes Consulting ... dexitroboper(*):

(*) you provide facts and data

I return solutions and possibilities and ADVICE

================

6 Thornbill Way  /  0419197772

http://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com
dying for you to read it :-)

and ranting: My Three Rs

shopping centre

morning: we visit a large shopping centre. easy walking, no trouble walking straight.

of course I don't see people to my left, I walk slowly, keep the white stick visible, let people avoid me.

deb asks, can you see what we want in this shop? I admit I don't even know what shop I'm in... I missed the signs at the door... from inside, one shop looks much like any other... lots of... things... hanging

everywhere.

we drive home through sunny weather and pleasant, oldish, suburbs.

I'm feeling well but, phew, still tired. I get home, sit, sleep for most of the afternoon.

deb, I think, potters in the garden

... and does things in the kitchen. I could stand up and see what but... no... too tired for that :-)

but it does smell good.

.. Dr Nick Lethbridge ... dexitroboper
Agamedes Consulting... Churchlands WA


... you provide data and facts ... I return solutions, and possibilities and ADVICE


6 Thornbill Way / 0419197772
   

memory beats imagination

I've just re-read pride and Prejudice.

since the previous reading, deb and I have had a holiday in p & p country... visiting p & p style houses and gardens.

rom the holiday, I remember walking along a walled grassed walkway... admiring the view of a mansion past the end.

we peered through ancient gardens to views of distant, wooded hills.

now when the p&p characters do the same, I more than imagine it... I remember what we saw.

memory adds a surprising depth  -surprising enjoyment -- to a good book :-)

.. Dr Nick Lethbridge ... dexitroboper
Agamedes Consulting... Churchlands WA


... you provide data and facts ... I return solutions, and possibilities and ADVICE


6 Thornbill Way / 0419197772
   

O people watching

Deb competes, I watch.

I have brought crosswords, magazines, book, plenty to do. Deb has packed a thermos of coffee.

Mostly I watch orienteers pass in front of me. It's a beautiful sunny day, the bit of bush I see is dry and steep. Deb returns and tells me that it is also full of narrow trails, kangaroos, boulders and prickles. Hard work but Deb has a good time.

Deb returns. Two O friends say hello -- we thought these two were on the East coast... they are...

Just passing through WA to clear out the old house as they move into a new Eastern States house, they have been towing a caravan along the east (and north?) coasts for nearly eight years.

It's great to catch up with them, nice people, we were lucky

Five minutes chat and... we're all on our way again.

... 

Dr Nick Lethbridge... Churchlands

  Agamedes Consulting ... dexitroboper(*):

(*) you provide facts and data

I return solutions and possibilities and ADVICE

================

6 Thornbill Way  /  0419197772

http://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com
dying for you to read it :-)

and ranting: My Three Rs

good day for O

Deb is registered for today's Orienteering event. It's the first bush O this year.

Will I go with Deb?-- Yes -- just to the parking area. Let Deb do the active stuff :-)

It's a bit over an hour's drive, I sleep for most of it.

There are two side-by-side ACROD parking bays, very convenient.

Deb parks in one bay, knocks the trolley against the car in the next bay. There is a rude comment from the next car. Deb apologises, there is no response.

I climb out of our car. Grab my trolley. Make sure that my white stick is clearly visible, slowly circle the next car. Yep, they have overlapped, too close into "our" bay

Without actually snarling at the other driver, I circle slowly

... like a dog sniffing and marking its own territory Point made, I hope. :-)

===

I'm uncomfortable in new areas, where I need to be very careful where I step.

I walk as far as the toilet, being very careful to remember the direction back to the car.

The ground is rough bitumen, edged with gravel.

a

The toilet is a portaloo on the back of a small trailer, standard O rental equipment.

I don't remember the steps being so high! At the top I fumble the hand rail and do a rather graceless stumble into the toilet... but catch myself on the handbasin. I'm even more careful getting out again.

Get back to, into the car and relax, not quite asleep, while Deb is competing.

... 

Dr Nick Lethbridge... Churchlands

  Agamedes Consulting ... dexitroboper(*):

(*) you provide facts and data

I return solutions and possibilities and ADVICE

================

6 Thornbill Way  /  0419197772

http://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com
dying for you to read it :-)

and ranting: My Three Rs

far too tired

Deb spends the day getting the grandson to parcour training. Plus other grandchild interactions.

We spend the evening grand-child-minding. Well, Deb does.

A while ago I sat on the floor -- and it took three strong ambos to lift me back on my feet.

Tonight I am tired... very, very tired. So tired that ... if I fall asleep on the couch... I may be so sound asleep that we need to call the ambos :-(

Getting tired (and weak) is part of the natural progression of my cancer. Tonight it more than annoys me, it worries me. I can't jelax into my exhaustion.

Once we get moving, walking to the car to drive home, it's okay...I can move... so very slowly.

I'm awake enough, no chance of falling deeply asleep.

We're home -- and I'm thirsty. After two cups of tea and some reading to relax, I'm in bed just after 1am.Only to wake up, restless, an hour later.

Stupid, really :-(

... 

Dr Nick Lethbridge... Churchlands

  Agamedes Consulting ... dexitroboper(*):

(*) you provide facts and data

I return solutions and possibilities and ADVICE

================

6 Thornbill Way  /  0419197772

http://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com
dying for you to read it :-)

and ranting: My Three Rs

Palliative suits me :-)

My life now consists of sitting by a window, looking out at a sunny garden, perhaps reading a book. As I tell Deb, this is my perfect holiday.

Deb's perfect holiday involves doing things. Going, exploring, seeing, doing. So between us we have had some excellent holidays.

My palliative care is one of those perfect holidays -- at home.

Cut back on all medication... There is nothing that will help anyway.

Allowed any pain-care that I need... I need none.

The only down-side is the reason, and the expected end of it all. Oh, and the physical slow-down is annoying,

... 

Dr Nick Lethbridge... Churchlands

  Agamedes Consulting ... dexitroboper(*):

(*) you provide facts and data

I return solutions and possibilities and ADVICE

================

6 Thornbill Way  /  0419197772

http://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com
dying for you to read it :-)

and ranting: My Three Rs

waking bad

First: mid afternoon and I'm feeling fine !

This morning I wake up feeling rotten. Nothing specific. Tired, a bit groggy, run down.

A feeling that makes me think, yep, this could be my body slowing down and preparing to die :-(

No solid logic but, it's the sort of thought that happens when you know that imminent death is possible. It makes me very aware of minor ups and downs.

I go back to bed, sleep another hour or two.

Get up again -- feeling alive again:-)

Later we join a friend for coffee and cake... I suspect that I was not carrying my fair share of the conversation. I'm feeling fine, just too tired to say much. Well... it's less than I would normally be saying... possibly a relief for Deb.

Now, mid-afternoon, back to feeling fine.

Tired but still avoiding that slippery bed :-)

... 

Dr Nick Lethbridge... Churchlands

  Agamedes Consulting ... dexitroboper(*):

(*) you provide facts and data

I return solutions and possibilities and ADVICE

================

6 Thornbill Way  /  0419197772

http://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com
dying for you to read it :-)

and ranting: My Three Rs

equipment

Silver Chain are really good. They provide 24 hour phone support, regular nurse visits, useful equipment. Deb tells me that the equipment is because I am "palliative"... so SC know that I won't need it forever :-)

The SC trolley is brilliant. The original Zimmer frame, a revelation at the time, is comparatively awkward.

We even have a proper hospital bed from SC.

Not so good.

The bed is short, I have a foot sticking out to either side, resting on nearby footstools.

The big bed benefit is electric raising at the head and knees. I have a valley between head and knees, it's comfortable to just slip into that valley... except last night when the bed tried to slip me sideways... along the valley and onto the floor. 

Luckily Deb was nearby and saved me from an ignominious fall to the floor.

IDiscover that I may be in acceptance of impending death... but not accepting of troublesome equipment... mumble, mumble :-)

... 

Dr Nick Lethbridge... Churchlands

  Agamedes Consulting ... dexitroboper(*):

(*) you provide facts and data

I return solutions and possibilities and ADVICE

================

6 Thornbill Way  /  0419197772

http://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com
dying for you to read it :-)

and ranting: My Three Rs

acceptance?

Perhaps I have actually reached the possibly-mythical state of "acceptance" of impending death !??

Last night, at about this same time, I woke up and thought, I'm feeling cheerful :-)

Not, wake up, ask how I feel, answer, cheerful. The waking dream itself proclaims that I am cheerful.

The only remembered feature of that dream is a small yellow/silver moon floating behind. My subconscious puts that image forward when I am thinking of the "quietly-slowing-down death that I am expecting. 

I suspect that my good cheer is due to having discussed preferred speed-of-death with Deb. I'm in favour of this dragged out over years approach, Deb would prefer sudden. We have different preferences. It's just the open discussion which cheers... but only because we can have such an open discussion.

Tonight... I wake from another meaningless dream... again to a feeling of comfort and cheer.

In this dream I am in a shop weighing potatoes for sale.

Potatoes? No idea... unless I am hungry. Okay, I recently read an article which recommended eating mashed potatoes to possibly avoid IBS... which does not affect me anyway.

Whatever the sense / nonsense: I wake up feeling very comfortable and satisfied with life.

Well, it's cheerful, anyway :-)

Is this acceptance?

===

btw:

The happy pills are supposed to lift my mood out of depression. I think they fail

... but I believe that I have lifted *myself* out of depression. I may think and post on that thought

... but not today. For now -- still feeling cheerful -- it's back to bed :-)

Perchance to dream. Again.

... 

Dr Nick Lethbridge... Churchlands

  Agamedes Consulting ... dexitroboper(*):

(*) you provide facts and data

I return solutions and possibilities and ADVICE

================

6 Thornbill Way  /  0419197772

http://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com
dying for you to read it :-)

and ranting: My Three Rs

sleep patterns

I typically sleep a couple of hours at a time. Waking up to have a pee and get a drink, then back to sleep.

Traditionally Deb would stay up till 10:00pm-ish.

I would stay up late, typically past midnight.

Getting to bed in the evening has changed:

Early evening and I am exhausted.

eg Friday:

Deb goes upstairs to watch Gardening Australia and do some exercise. It's early evening but I go to bed.

An hour later Deb is downstairs. I wake up enough to say goodnight, drink tea, go back to sleep.

Another hour, Deb turns off the TV, I say goodnight again... go back to sleep.

Next day: I wake early, 5:30 ish.

Breakfast etc.

Deb spends most of the day being taxi driver and minder for grandchildren. I spend most of the day sleeping. a couple of naps of half to one hour. With some spent reading and writing. 

8:30pm Deb goes upstairs to exercise.

I go to bed again.

It's a lot of sleeping:-)

But now -- very early morning -- I am awake enough to read and write. Which timing suits my preferences.

In total -- because I sleep a lot during the day -- I sleep more hours per day than in past years.

All part of the expected progress of my cancer.

... 

Dr Nick Lethbridge... Churchlands

  Agamedes Consulting ... dexitroboper(*):

(*) you provide facts and data

I return solutions and possibilities and ADVICE

================

6 Thornbill Way  /  0419197772

http://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com
dying for you to read it :-)

and ranting: My Three Rs

dating with destiny?

Waking from a dream. The dream ends with a question: 

If a simple test could tell you the exact date on which your cancer will kill you -- will you take the test?

My immediate answer is an emphatic NO.

Hours later the answer is still No.

But I am a supporter of VAD.

VAD allows for choice -- date of execution by a cancer is completely different. For one thing... I am still happy and healthy. moving slowly but (very important) no pain.

Not ready to set a date for death... certainly not ready to have the death date determined for me.

There is stress, a lot, in waiting for the unknown.

The stress would be a lot worse if I were waiting for the unavoidable known.

btw: cancer and brain experts give me from weeks to two years to live.

My personal plan, based on no logic, is to plan for living for... okay, at least... six more months.

No rush :-)

hmmm... six months is nowhere near long enough to finish  doable current projects. Let alone projects which are proving to be difficult.

Hurrryyyy uuup!  rofl

... 

Dr Nick Lethbridge... Churchlands

  Agamedes Consulting ... dexitroboper(*):

(*) you provide facts and data

I return solutions and possibilities and ADVICE

================

6 Thornbill Way  /  0419197772

http://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com
dying for you to read it :-)

and ranting: My Three Rs