scan done

Another MRI today. That's bad news, it's been only a month since the last. Why so soon? Because the last scan shows a 3cm, approx, thing growing on my brain. That's about the same size as the original tumour. And in the same place. It's a worry.

It could be the return of the tumour (most likely.) It could be more radiation necrosis (nasty). It could be something completely new (good grief, I hope not),

Today's scan is to see if it is growing. If it does not grow -- who cares, it does not seem to affect me.

If today's scan shows it is growing, I expect that I will be in for surgery: open my skull, have a look inside, see what is really there. (I really do need to install a window in my skull.)

Once the thing/growth is visible and, hopefully, identified... I expect it will be removed. Best done while the skull is still open.

From my point of view: If it is growing... then it is dangerous... So whatever it is... I expect open-skull surgery... if it is growing. I expect it is growing (I'm feeling pessimistic.)

I see it as a tick tick boom situation. Slowly, slowly, nothing much happening until suddenly it reaches critical mass and explodes. That's how I see it. This may be the boom. Of course I could be wrong. (Nooo... I'm never wrong :-)

If it comes to surgery, the risks will be explained:

The surgeon could remove too much, I could lose more vision. Or lose something more vital. Or I could die. It's a risky business, removing bits of brain. If it's a tumour, the surgeon removes just a bit more, trying to remove cancerous cells just outside the visible tumour. Not so bad with eg skin cancer, it just means a scar that is bigger than the tumour. In the brain, the tumour is surrounded by all sorts of essential areas. I may lose, as a scary example, my sense of humour.

Deb asks... if the surgeon gives a high risk that I will come out blind -- will I accept that risk? Well yes. That's the sort of risk that I may have to accept. Oh well.

Meanwhile... don't think that I am not worried; But what worries me is the risk of death. No trivial worries for me :-)

The surgeon is fine, I trust him. (If it's the same bloke.) I trust his skill -- and his care and caution(and his ability to learn.)

On the other hand, my cancer is guaranteed to be terminal. I'm just lucky that it grows in an area that is not essential to life. That's why I'm still alive. (That and a healthy life, good diet and a clean mind, ha.)

So, will I have surgery even if it may cause me to be blind? No worries, yes.

I do have flashes of expecting death. Usually when I remember something that I should do but it will take too many months or years. For example... I want to tidy and sort the papers dumped beside the PC. Give me another century and... still not enough time.

So I do have flashes of misery... in fact... flashes of fear. Fear of death -- and fear of leaving things unfinished.

Physically I'm still fine, as ever. No mysterious "symptoms" that could point to a tumour-affected brain. There are things that perhaps could be symptoms, I brush them off as, probably due to age. Classic denial, perhaps.

I'm happy. I can still do crosswords (usually). Sometimes short-tempered. As always.

Feeling better for having organised my thoughts and unburdened myself to this blog.

Oh, and another week or two till we get the results of today's scan.

Which reminds me

Having doddered my way out of the scan, I'm standing alone, outside, on the footpath, waiting for Deb to pick me up.

The scan tech walks up, says, are you being collected? Obviously making sure I'm okay. Yes, all good I reply, thanks. He goes back into the building.

Did he see me, come out especially? I don't know. Whatever. It was very nice of him.

Dr Nick Lethbridge / Consulting Dexitroboper

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Bandaid solutions hurt when they are removed.

...Dying for you to Read my blog: notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com