Status at 24 dec24:
Physical
... definitely dying.
Timing is uncertain... from days to months.
The cancer (GBM) has spread through my brain stem.
As it gets worse, this will kill me. Either slow me down till I stop moving
(including heart and lungs, which will be fatal), or till I fail to wake up (same fatal cause).
Typical of my cancer: slow, relaxed, painless.
The cancer in my brain stem is like fungus in a cauli.
If the surgeon tried to operate, he could just as easily kill me.
There is nothing to be done by hospital or surgery.
The only choice is, do I want to die in hospital or at home? Easy choice:-)
I am at home.
Comfortable, well-looked after
... on "palliative care".
Which means, definitely dying.
also half blind (after surgery) and half deaf, that's hereditary.
Bloody slow, always tired, fall asleep at any time of day.
I have a wheeled walking frame for balance, it's brilliant.
I can st/roll 2 or 3 km tho it's exhausting.
... but sometimes I can't be bothered even standing up :-(
Mental:
My brain seems to be working okay.
a nurse tested my awareness and memory, just remember this name and address, she said:
not only can I now not forget it: it's the same name and address that I was asked to remember in a similar test... several years ago.
Emotional:
I spent seven years waiting for "symptoms", no use trying any treatment until there were reasons, ie symptoms.
Only now I realise the stress that caused... waiting for the unknown.
Now I know that I am dying, with no possible treatment -- that stress is gone.
Okay, it's a funny feeling: I'm feeling fine then suddenly get a feeling of a dark shadow behind me
... the shadow of death in my brain stem :-)
Overall, tho, knowing that yes, I am definitely dying... and this is how it will happen
... is more relaxing than waiting and wondering.
There is a new IV chemo drug
... which has been developed in the seven years that I spent as simply "terminal".
The IV treatment is done every three weeks. It should slow down cancer growth. Most optimistic hope is still less than a year till I die.
Drat! eh !
I get angry and frustrated
... far too easily.
But:
anger in particular is nothing to do with cancer.
I'm trying to contact tourism public servants. They can neither read emails nor respond sensibly.
My response to this frustration is getting nastier.
Dying of cancer is a lot easier.
Nothing I can do... so I do nothing. In great comfort :-)
Oh yes,
Christmas brings news of friends travelling, catching up with other friends.
hmmm
... I'd like to travel but... not gonna happen.
palliative care is hospital or ... home.
aargh...
time to be more positive:
wait a few months for the northern weather to improve.
make sure that I'm still alive
... if I am ... fly up and visit the farm.
possible? stupid?
worth considering.
Something to plan for.
... and more positive than just sitting here dying :-)
I try to *keep* up, rather than catch up.
and prefer emails to meetings.
half blind and half deaf make for awkward conversations.
I can't claim to be happy to be dying. But I'm happy, mostly, while waiting.
Today, for example: I'm snoozing on the couch.
Can hear the grandkids playing and shouting outside
... they are having fun
... I listen
... and I can't help but be feeling happy.
Family, eh :-)
previous status was at 24oct 23
