Sunday, October 27, 2019

other points of view

Funny how having cancer attracts other people with cancer. Well, not funny. It can be easy to talk to other people with the same disease. No matter what the disease.

I also find a possibly morbid interest in articles about other people with cancer. What happened to them? How did they cope?

And another thing which is funny-peculiar: these articles are mostly written by people who did not have cancer. They watch a friend, a family member die and are affected. Grief. Sorrow. Occasionally -- for no good reason -- in my opinion -- by guilt.

This headline caught my attention: "She was dead. I was alive. And I was going to need to make up for that somehow." Why?! I had to look at the article.

Ah, okay. The writer was five when her sister died at age seven. Young children think all sorts of wrong things. This need to atone for something which was not her fault, seems to have damaged the writer for the next twenty years of her life. Or more.

I have cancer. I will die. It's not the fault of some random relative. Other people may step up to support Deb. Not because of some ridiculous feelings of guilt. Just because Deb is Deb and other people may want to provide support.

This goes back to an earlier worry: How will our young grandson understand it when I finally die? As a thing which just happened. No blame, no responsibility. Some sadness then get on with life. I hope.
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I turn the next page and -- it must be cancer story week -- another woman writes: "You keep going, but there's a hole in your heart." Yep, I think, that's more like it. You keep going.

Okay, there's more angst in the article. As far as I can tell -- from a quick skim (I'm drawn to these articles but not enough to really read them) treatment could have been better.

One woman dying, dead. Her sister is upset, fair enough, but she carries on. The sister now supports lung cancer awareness, good, she did make a promise. No guilt. No blame. Just support for strangers. I hope.

Here's a problem, she thinks -- I'm suddenly and painfully aware of it. Too late for this person. But can I do something to help fix the problem for other people? Then that's what I'll do... And that's a good response -- if you're in a position to help. Without giving up your own life.
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As for me (and yes, it's my blog, it's always about me :-) I won't be worried.



Dr Nick Lethbridge / Consulting Dexitroboper
...        Agamedes Consulting / Problems ? Solved
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"Choice, not chance, determines your destiny" … Aristotle

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Dying for you to read my blog, at https://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com.au/ :-)



Wednesday, October 23, 2019

change of attitude

This morning as I'm shaving I realise something: over the last few months, my attitude has changed. My attitude to life, the Universe and everything. For one thing, I'm shaving...

Deb prefers the smooth, sophisticated look. She can barely keep her hands off me when I'm freshly shaved. I prefer the rugged, manly look of a man who is too lazy (more politely, too tired) to shave more than once or twice a week. For the last couple of years, shaving has been irregular, only done when spiders and flies start to fight in the bristles.

This morning I am shaving and am struck by a revelation: I am shaving more often -- just to look a bit neater.

What else has changed?

For months I can look at the garden with pleasure -- but be glad that Deb does all the gardening. This last month, I have looked at the garden -- and I want to help. I even go so far as to prune the odd branch and put some garden stuff in the bin. And enjoy it!

I am planning a holiday for March next year -- nothing unusual there -- but I am also adding active items to the itinerary. I'm no longer feeling, can't be bothered, one walk is all I can handle... I'm actually looking forward to an extra 21km walk in the Whakewhatever Forest of NZ. I have enthusiasm -- and a willingness to think that I can walk that far. With Deb to encourage me, of course :-)

I'm even starting to wonder what to do, where to go, after that holiday. After all, our current planning horizon now reaches to December 2022. It seems to me that our horizon is opportunity rather than optimism.

Is this a problem?

I do worry: I want reality and acceptance rather than false optimism. I don't want to be absolutely let down -- shattered -- if my next scan results are, Bad news, you'll be dead in a month. I aim for cautious optimism balanced by acceptance of... whatever happens. Have I slipped into false, blind optimism?

Every so often I remind myself, the next news could be bad. Balanced by the obvious truth that the news, so far, is good. I think I have the right -- for me -- balance. But today I realise, my attitude to "acceptance" has shifted. In a good direction. It feels more real.
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Why?

Physically, I'm feeling well, improving. That's a direct result of not having any current treatment. Physical health then improves mental health.

Deb & I are into a regular running training regime. We're still slower and less fit than we were (even allowing for age). Now I feel that I am getting fitter -- and that I can continue to get fitter. It's a good -- positive -- feeling.

I'm making solid progress writing a phone app. Feeling fitter -- and more awake -- allows me to focus on the work. Success with the app feeds back to make me feel mentally better.

Other projects have reached the usual stage of, What -- or who -- next? Which is discouraging. On the other hand -- I now feel ready to take further steps. When I know what those steps could be. My current attitude is less discouragement, more acceptance that these things are -- currently -- on the back burner.
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I have no feelings of, Must do "this" before I die. Except for the app, which I really do want to finish. Mostly because I believe that finishing it could be possible. Even there, my attitude is definitely, If I can rather than, Disappointed if I don't finish. Of course I've already done all sorts of things which please me :-) I certainly don't have a bucket list.
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And now for some random ramblings:

For a while I documented my dreams. I'm still dreaming but (a) they don't seem particularly relevant to cancer. And (b) I quickly forget them. That's the penalty of falling back to sleep so easily. Although (c) a couple of my remembered dreams are satisfying. No, not like that. I mean, like the dream where I was hit by water bombs -- so I took a big stick and laid into the water bomb throwers.

One key aim of my life does appear to be doomed to failure. I did plan to live to a ripe old age. Not to worry, I believe that I have managed the ripe part.

As a teenager I read a book where a minor character had permanent wrinkles caused by constant happy smiling. I thought at the time, I'll aim for that sort of face. Not sure how successful I've been but at least I have the wrinkles.

I'm writing an email when suddenly -- from some random corner of my mind -- I remember a quote: The undiscovered country from whose bourn, No traveler returns(*)... So I have my fare paid and my visa stamped. All I need is an itinerary and date of departure. It means nothing but I do like the almost-relevant quote :-)

(*) Okay, I remember the gist of the quote and find the correct words via google. It's from Hamlet's soliloquy. In fact I remember Mark Twain's version from Huckleberry Finn... It finishes with, Ope not thy ponderous and marble jaws, but get thee to a nunnery -- go! Both memorable and very confused.
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That phone app? I know that there are several essential areas of coding where I am completely ignorant. I'm coding a working app but not a *fully* working app. That's good enough to keep me satisfied. For now.

And now... back to that app. To take it to the limits of my knowledge. Then to see how far I can take it beyond that.




Dr Nick Lethbridge / Consulting Dexitroboper
...        Agamedes Consulting / Problems ? Solved
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"Books suffer wear and tear, just the same as hip joints, cars and reputations." … Thursday Next per Jasper Fforde

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Dying for you to read my blog, at https://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com.au/ :-)



Monday, October 7, 2019

re: death

I read this quote in a book, a fantasy romance:

Peace, peace! he is not dead, he doth not sleep,
He hath awaken'd from the dream of life;

... Percy Bysshe Shelley,
Adonais: An Elegy on the Death of John Keats

Blog-relevant, perhaps. Rather sweet (as was the book it was quoted in) -- yet completely at odds with my own thinking. The poem is comfort for the living, a comfort for the dying who believe in an afterlife. To me, dead is dead. I'm not looking forward to it. I don't expect to need comforting after it. But it's a nice thought in a sweet book :-)
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Yes, I'm back on the cancer topic! It's been so long, I may be repeating. I won't know, I don't re-read.

This story -- old as it is -- needs to be told:

Before each MRI scan I need a blood test, to test my kidney function. The scan starts with drip feed of a "contrast", which I guess shows up whatever the scan is scanning for. My kidneys need to be working well enough to clear the contrast from my blood after the scan.

I'm sitting in the big chair, waiting for the blood-sucking needle. The needle operator is filling in a necessary form, to record the blood sample.

"Can you spell your name," she asks.

"Yes," I reply.

And then I quickly start spelling. This is not the time to confuse or upset a needle operator.
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I'm scanned, PET.

"Have you injured your shoulder since the last scan?" asks the PET doctor. "There are signs of injury."

"Oh," I reply, "That would be my RSI, from computing."

Wow! visible muscle damage from using a computer! Perhaps I should compute less.
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The usual post-scan conversation with the cancer doc.

"How are you?"
"You tell me."
"All clear."

We smile, make small talk. The doc politely looks at some of our photos from Scotland.

Deb & I carry on... vastly relieved. Another three months with "no" cancer :-)
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Since then, we've been to Scotland. Seen the Edinburgh Tattoo.

We've spent a few days in Bridgetown. Very peaceful, very enjoyable.

We've started planning for our next holiday... which will be after the next scans. Our planning horizon -- now built into a holiday-planning spreadsheet -- is from today up to Friday 11th November 2022. Plenty of time to enjoy :-)
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Last weekend... we run in a 10km fun run. Run? Well, jog. A beautiful day for a run, we enjoy it.

I am ahead -- of Deb -- for most of the run. I suspect that she stays behind -- where she can see me -- so that she can catch a ride in my ambulance if I fall over. I don't fall over :-)

A km from the end, Deb catches up with me. Then she draws ahead. I can't keep up! Deb finishes ten seconds ahead of me :-( Oh well.

Our next target run is a month away. Luckily, we have a training plan. Deb follows the plan, I follow Deb.
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My tingly/numb feet seem to have settled down -- to numb soles and toes. When I dry between my toes, for example, I have to look, to see if I am really drying between my toes. Apart from being annoying, it has no effect on what I can do. In fact, the numbness is less noticeable when I run.

My very minor asthma is back -- when I'm doing nothing much. It's years since it's been so noticeable. As ever, it clears once I start running.

I'm fit enough, healthy enough -- happy enough -- to be thinking of sex. Only at appropriate times, of course, ie all the time. Still not much physical response to the thoughts :-(

There's a black & ominous cloud on the far horizon, I barely notice it. There are flashes of feeling sad, still mostly a worry about Deb. The worry stays though the sadness fades quickly. Deb may be more worried than me.

I'm enjoying life :-) And I have till early next year to live in blissful ignorance. After that... I try to not form an expectation. Neither good nor bad. Just, take it as it comes.





===     Dr Nick Lethbridge  /  Consulting Dexitroboper
             Agamedes Consulting / Problems? Solved.

===
"It's no use having a good memory if you have no good memories." … per Ginger Meggs"
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dying for you to read my blog: notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com.au :-)
===
   

Sunday, October 6, 2019

several days in Bridgetown

Switching to holiday mode... Click!

Deb &I go away for a few days, to Bridgetown, the one in the SW of WA. We stay in a cottage on a farm. No internet, no phone. Very peaceful :-)

I'm feeling lazy, I don't post to this blog... well, I can't, no internet... What I normally do is type the post as an email, press Send -- and it will post when next I connect to the internet. This holiday, I don't even type...

... except for some notes. Brief notes. When I create a hardcopy holiday journal I shall expand my notes. But for this blog -- just imagine a very enjoyable short break and feel free to guess the story behind the following notes :-)
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monday 23rd: leave home. lunch, scones, at pinjarra heritage building, a favourite spot. too soon to stop again at stirling cottage near harvey. coffee sitting outside bridgetown bakery. b'town is "winter capital of wa".

just past bridgetown to glennlyn cottage #4, looking over dam. pack of small dogs. tv won't tune. peaceful. deb walks to say hello to animals.

dinner at isa ("is a" lol) chinese restaurant, very average. icecreams at home for dessert.

air con on heat all night, still cool in bed.

tuesday 24th: pay, 450 for 3 nights. drive to town. the mulberry cafe, country hipster, for coffee and cake.

walk round town, find a few caches, deb's ankle still hurts. art on alley wall. jigsaw museum, largest is 8x4000. story of 1 of 4000 pieces... lost. repertory shed, peg art, grumpy old men inc.

lunch from bridgetown bakery, continental roll, eat by blackwood river. walk to cache. boardwalk is collapsed.

drive a bit out of town. admire views, river, hills. cache. back home to rest.

dog bites my leg, leaves jaw outline in blood. owner blames protective boris. owner can not fix tv.

deb fixes tv, finishes jigsaw, goes for walk towards forest. i read.

dinner at nelsons, best meal out for ages. barramundi, lamb cutlets on risotto. sundae, cheesecake. home for coffee.

wednesday 25th: drive to bridgetown jarrah forest park, 20km out of town. walk 2.5km through bush, very nice. lots of trees, flowers.

drove to donnely river village for lunch, pie, sausage roll, iced coffees. 3 x emus, kangaroo, red winged wren. then via gravel road to bibb track and a geocache. continue on. road closed for disease risk so we follow very narrow gravel road, yellow water bush wattle brushing truck either side.

back home. i read, rest. deb walks.

nb vividpublishing.com.au/icottdog dogs at cottesloe beach

dinner at bridgetown hotel. 2x pepper (jus) sirloin steak. shared baked cheesecake.

thursday 26th: home again. lunch at stirling cottage harvey, another favourite spot.
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There are breaks in my posting. This one is due to, nothing (relevant) happening. (Which is good news!) It can be boring -- or worrying? -- to have to check back and find no new post.

It should be possible to get a brief email, a notice when I post something new. To the right of screen, Follow by Email... enter your email address just below that and voila! regular, possibly annoying, messages about my new posts.

Or, just check back every so often...





===     Dr Nick Lethbridge  /  Consulting Dexitroboper
             Agamedes Consulting / Problems? Solved.

===
"It's no use having a good memory if you have no good memories." … per Ginger Meggs"
===

dying for you to read my blog: notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com.au :-)
===