symptoms? not yet

so, I've analysed, and cleared my mind, in the previous post. now we wait a month.

although, as usual, the doc asked if I had any "symptoms". what sort? no idea -- depends on how my brain responds to growing damage.

now, while waiting a month --I continue to watch out for undefined symptoms.

possibilities, i decide, are falling over, like the first time, or further loss of vision.

perhaps i should mention dizziness, which comes and goes -- and existed long before my cancer -- or tension headaches from too much reading, or... nooo. I'll just wait and watch for... anything :-)

What all this does is to make me more reluctant than ever to go anywhere by myself.

I'm adapting to looking but not recognising where i am. i don't want to fall over. not when by myself. actually, even less when I'm out with deb.

i go out anyway, to familiar places -- and let deb worry till she sees me again.

btw: for years, and still, i worry when deb is out by herself. we both worry far too much.

and we carry on regardless. but not at all rewardless.

so far, so good :-)

Nick Lethbridge    /    Consulting Dexitroboper
Agamedes Consulting    /   Problems? Solved.
   ===


Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood
   

what's inside?

the latest mri shows something on my brain. where nothing is supposed to be. whatever it is, it's bad.

the scan includes "perfusion", which shows up blood flow, which indicates tumour rather than necrosis.

Uh oh, says the cancer doc, it looks like a tumour. If it continues to grow... we'll open my skull and take a look-see.

Thinking about it, I realise that I don't really care what it is. There are several possibilities:

When I tell one son of the shadow on the scan he suggests... bad lighting :-)

Alternatively: 

(1) It could be an alien mind-control creature, in which case it needs to be removed before it escapes and expands to control the world.

(2) It could be another tumour, in which case it needs to be removed before it grows so large that there is no room in my skull for my brain.

(3) It could be more radiation necrosis. In which case it needs to be removed before it kills a more useful part of my brain.

None of the three can be cured, just removed.

So, whatever it is, it's nasty. 

If it grows -- I will need my skull opened so that it can be removed. Unless we can negotiate with (1).

Which brings me back to where I've been for eight years: wait and see. except that now --as it was right at the start -- the nasty thing is visible.

Not good but... so what?

Can't do anything so, sit back and -- on average --enjoy life :-)

Nick Lethbridge    /    Consulting Dexitroboper
Agamedes Consulting    /   Problems? Solved.
   ===


Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood
   

ages of humour

it's fun to watch a child learning about humour: What it is, why it's funny, what is funny.

I've spent years teaching our grandson some great "dad" jokes and riddles. It needs an awful lot of filtering. Some jokes depend on knowledge that he doesn't yet have. Some jokes are too nasty, some are too adult.Some are not funny (even by my standards). some jokes are unsuitable for a child, some are unsuitable for anyone. 

now his little sister wants to join in. for example:

Q Why did the dinosaur cross the road?

The boy knows that it is A because chickens were not invented ROFL

The sister says, Because the dinosaur was walking somewhere and... she fades away.

It's very cute and sort of funny. Until...

Yesterday she is nearly in tears,

I can never answer the question :-( she says.

Oh.

So I hold up two hands, raise a finger on each, ask, how many fingers?

Two, she replies happily.

The little girl is pleased. And... so am I:-)

I'll ask more of these "riddles" Later, I may be able to add (then explain) some humour.

Meanwhile, where's my book of bad dad jokes :-?

Nick Lethbridge    /    Consulting Dexitroboper
Agamedes Consulting    /   Problems? Solved.
   ===


Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood
   

things to be glad about

Well, here are some things to be glad about:

(Oh, okay: Things about which to be glad :-)

... Before the scan, I was worried that, this time, it could be bad. Well, isn't it nice to sometimes be right :-)

... On the scan analysis I'm down as a 21-year-old male. I already feel fitter and younger :-)

The son who usually gives early warning of the scan results -- is overseas, so no early warning.

I'm not comfortable with him having to tell me, his father, whether the scan is good... or bad. Not something a son should have to do.

... I phoned an aunt and she is... not well, but well enough for an 85-year old with heart problems. So that's good :-)

And -- I'm still fit and well till at least the next scan :-) Even if that's only a month away.

I never want people to think that I am "fighting" cancer. There's no fight -- just following instructions and accepting treatment and waiting. Now there is nothing to be done except wait... so that's something to be glad about :-)

Dr Nick Lethbridge / Consulting Dexitroboper

===

Bandaid solutions hurt when they are removed.

...Dying for you to Read my blog: notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com

uh oh :-(

Finally... significant change on my brain scan.

It's a cliche: the doc asks, do you have any travel plans?

The latest MRI scan shows a shadow -- which the experts believe may be a new tumour. About 3cm across (same size as the original).

The scans show (a) shadow of not-brain (tumour or necrosis) and (b) if the shadow is creating blood flow. Blood flow indicates active growth, ie probable tumour.

There's no way to be sure -- without opening the skull to have a look.

But first: I'll get another scan in just one month. If the shadow has grown then... uh oh indeed.

So it's definitely *not* good news. But -- for another month -- back to wait and see.

While waiting -- I watch my health. In particular, fading vision would be bad. Or, I guess, falling over would be bad.

I tell Deb to not worry. I think she's ignoring me.

Dr Nick Lethbridge / Consulting Dexitroboper

===

Bandaid solutions hurt when they are removed.

...Dying for you to Read my blog: notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com

to be clear

I've had yet another mri of my brain. now i wait a week to get the results.

don't think that there is no worry.

i have continuous low level worry. no more, i guess, than anyone who has passed three score and ten. i worry just as much about deb, who is almost as old. for that matter, i even worry about the kids and grandkids, that's a part of being a parent.

i have occasional flashes of sharper worry.  mostly in the month or two before a scan. the impending scan reminds me of my cancer. then i remind myself that i am perfectly well -- until a scan says otherwise. after the scan it's, nothing i can do, so no use worrying.

right now my main worry is that Deb is worried. she's less cheerful than she should be. so i try to remain calm. to not act worried, eg i don't swear at the pc, which really should be replaced or fixed.

now that i think about it... the fact that i need to write this "not worried" post really does indicate that i am worried :-) to that i say, bah, humbug.

deb worries that if i go anywhere by myself, I'll get lost. i admit that i get confused in unfamiliar places.

last week, deb and i take the grandkids to a wildlife park. okay, deb takes us all, i just follow along.

we all go together into the darkened nocturnal house. when i get out, i am alone.

deb sends the boy through again, too look for me. and again.

finally, outside, we all find each other. I'm upset, deb is worried.

no wonder deb doesn't trust me to go out alone.

Nick Lethbridge    /    Consulting Dexitroboper
Agamedes Consulting    /   Problems? Solved.
   ===


Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood
   

scanned. now waiting

The scan is done. It'll be a week before we get the results.

As usual, anxiety is about the scan -- the results are, well, fixed now, so no great worry.

What we do discuss is more important: there's a major rogaine in WA in September. Can we get to it? We barely compete -- a control or two, if there are lots of tracks -- but we do enjoy the experience. And we'd enjoy a few days in the SW.

Also, there's a fun run in May. A son will do the 4km with his two young kids. I thought, Grandad could be there, cheer them on, do the 4km even slower than the little kids, get home somehow.

Deb, for some reason won't let me run without her, which would spoil some of the point -- to prove that I can follow 10,000 people without getting lost. Deb worries that I will get lost. The run is still under discussion...

Dr Nick Lethbridge / Consulting Dexitroboper

===

Bandaid solutions hurt when they are removed.

...Dying for you to Read my blog: notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com

scan and app

I get the usual text reminder of my next MRI. I phone, say I'll be there, make sure they have all necessary paperwork. All is okay. So, says the girl on the phone -- see you tomorrow.

Tomorrow!. is it that soon? oh. okay. Tomorrow then.

I find it hard to worry about the scan result. It's been a long time. Many scans. Worry comes in occasional flashes rather than just at scan time.

What I feel is almost-fear at the thought of the cannula into my vein. I never like that.

And annoyance at the change to my routine. It'll be a morning wasted. As though I had something else to do :-)

In my efforts to have TourismWA support or develop my app, I've had a fairly definite, No way. Which I shall deliberately misunderstands as, Try another approach. But that can't start for another week. (Oh! another week? so soon! Time flies :-)

Nick Lethbridge    /    Consulting Dexitroboper
Agamedes Consulting    /   Problems? Solved.
   ===


Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood
   

a good call

Waving my white stick gets various responses. For example:

We're out for a run. Following a bike and foot shared trail (in John Forrest).

A group of cyclists passes. One man calls out, Well, we won't ask you for directions...

That was a week ago. I still smile at the memory :-)

Dr Nick Lethbridge / Consulting Dexitroboper

===

Bandaid solutions hurt when they are removed.

...Dying for you to Read my blog: notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com

grand children

The last week has involved some grandchild minding -- phew!

Two delightful children but... they are young and active and interested.

It was great fun :-) Now I am exhausted.

Dr Nick Lethbridge / Consulting Dexitroboper

===

Bandaid solutions hurt when they are removed.

...Dying for you to Read my blog: notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com

daily good deeds

I'm running round the lake.

Half way round, two people ask me, If we continue this way, will we get out? I think they mean, will they get off the path and back to a road.

Yes, I tell them, it's a circular track, just keep going that way, I point.

Two minutes later I think, If they go that way they will reach a T-junction, they could get lost. After all, I can get lost on this "circular" track.

So I wave down two passing cyclists. Ask them to keep an eye open for two walking women, give them help if they are lost. Good deed done.

Two minutes later I think, was it two women? I spoke to a woman, didn't really look at the other. I can't remember... could have been a woman or a man or a shop dummy... oh dear.

An hour later, two women say hello. Are you the two I met before? I ask. Yes -- and my directions worked -- phew! 

So: Definitely a good deed done.

They are now, visibly, definitely two women.I can only guess that they have removed jackets as the day warmed up... I hope that's it. Otherwise -- my sight(or memory) is even worse than I thought.

Dr Nick Lethbridge / Consulting Dexitroboper

===

Bandaid solutions hurt when they are removed.

...Dying for you to Read my blog: notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com

tense but relaxed

It's just a few weeks till the next scan.

I can't say that I'm nervous -- but it is affecting me. I'm even less tolerant of things that don't go as I expect. I swear at inanimate objects. Though not as much as I'd like to because it upsets Deb.

I'm anticipating the worst though not expecting it. Twinges of headache feel like symptoms of tumour regrowth. Ditto spells of dizziness. To be realistic, neither headaches nor dizziness came with the original tumour. It's just me worrying.

I run round the lake with no headache. Nor do I get dizzy, nor fall over.

Overall... My expectations remain where I prefer them to be: c'est sera sera... What will be, will be :-)

Dr Nick Lethbridge / Consulting Dexitroboper

===

Bandaid solutions hurt when they are removed.

...Dying for you to Read my blog: notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com

a good question

I'm walking across a carpark. A bloke asks, What's the white stick for?

I answer: It warns people that I'm half blind. Though for me it does nothing much at all. I'm glad that someone asked :-)

Facebook sends me two updates: one is a video of a bowl of salad which ends with nonsense claims about acidic and/or healthy foods. Second is a photo of a ferry with comments about a rough crossing. That's okay... except that it's followed by comments from friends of friends of friends -- ie total strangers -- and their seasick ferry crossings of many years ago.

A ferry is a ferry. I'm not at all interested in strangers' reminiscing.

So I spend half-an-hour attempting to close my FaceBook account... it's impossible.

Next best option: Every FB email will be marked as spam. Eventually they may be automatically hidden.

Dr Nick Lethbridge / Consulting Dexitroboper

===

"A mind that is stretched by a new experience can never go back to its old dimensions."

...Dying for you to Read my blog: notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com

quite happy

Each year the Herdy's Front Yard ultra run passes close to our place.

The runners circle our lake -- many times. Once more -- I am inspired... so today I run round the lake... still too slow to enter the race -- surprise :-)

Meanwhile I'm pushing along with my app.  It's written -- as a simplified "proof of concept". Now I just have to get it developed to completion... and used.

For the first, I'm in contact with TourismWA, well, the app is for tourists. Have you ever tried to push a new idea into a public service agency?

Some days I'm cheering... at a very minor advance... other days I'm ready to toss the whole idea.

I spend a lot of time feeling very tired. But quite happy.

Dr Nick Lethbridge / Consulting Dexitroboper

===

"A mind that is stretched by a new experience can never go back to its old dimensions."

...Dying for you to Read my blog: notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com

nothing to complain about

today i meet a friend, we chat. we are both well, though... we agree that we are both slowing down. he tires easily, i sleep a lot. when we passed 70 it felt like a good milestone but now we notice that the future still stretches a long way ahead. we both know 80 year olds who are impressively active. we hope that we can stay almost as active.

then he rides his pushbike to the shops and i jog the last couple of km home.

Nick Lethbridge    /    Consulting Dexitroboper
Agamedes Consulting    /   Problems? Solved.
   ===


As Conan says: What does not kill you
does not kill you

quiet times

No posts for a while... well, that's good, it means that there are no interesting disasters :-)

No disasters, so, what is happening?

My next scan will be in April. It seemed so far away and now it seems to be... quite soon. I notice that I am beginning to get twinges of anxiety...

I've learnt that new word: "scanxiety"... the anxiety while waiting for the results of a scan.

Did you read about the Australian of the Year? A doctor -- with cancer -- who is using himself as a test subject. Excellent, just the right thing to do, he can do the scientific observations -- plus add commentary from the patient point of view.

My scanxiety is minor. What makes me miserable is lacking things to do that other people actually want me to do. I'm not very good at self-motivation.

I have "my app" which I'm very pleased with but no-one uses it. Like a book, writing is difficult, getting published is even harder.  I do have a couple of possible users (groups) but it's a lot of wait-and-see.

I have a few other things which need to get started. I'm short-listed to run for the Cannabis Party, I'm against use but I support the right to choose. No chance of winning a seat. Or even of getting any good publicity. But it certainly embarrasses Deb :-) And I enjoy trying.

It cheers me up just being short-listed. And the interview reminds me that I can still talk. Ans talk. And talk...

Dr Nick Lethbridge / Consulting Dexitroboper

===

A good pun is its own reword.

...Dying for you to Read my blog: notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com

no name, just service

I'm going deaf and I'm easily distracted. So I don't enjoy waiting and hoping to hear when my name is called.

I've just been round the lake. I add a short detour to a cafe and order an iced latte.

The girl asks me something, I'm not expecting a question, she has to repeat, "what name is that for?"  I say, "It's for me, the person standing in front of you." Okay, not very polite, so I add, "I probably wouldn't hear you anyway." When the drink is ready, it's handed directly to me. Good service.

Dr Nick Lethbridge / Consulting Dexitroboper

===

A good pun is its own reword.

...Dying for you to Read my blog: notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com

suggestion, noted

Thank you for the suggestion that, when walking, I should drop a trail
of breadcrumbs and trail a very long string.
So if you see someone looking lost, wearing a gradually unravelling
jumper and being followed by hungry pigeons, it may be me.


Dr Nick Lethbridge / Consulting Dexitroboper
===

A good pun is its own reword.


...Dying for you to Read my blog: notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com

walking home

Deb doesn't trust me out of her sight, she thinks I'll get lost. We've
set up our phones so Deb can see my location on Google Maps.
Walking home from Kings Park is okay: I just need to leave Kings Park,
walk down Bagot Rd to Selby, catch the bus, I'll be home, no worries.
Or I can get to Cambridge St, catch the 92 bus, I've done that before.

I leave Kings Park.,walk down Bagot. Past a familiar shopping centre
which tells me where I am.
So I walk down Rokeby.
I check Google Maps on my phone. My dodgy vision means that Maps makes
no sense to me.

. I'm surprised when I pass the shopping centre again. I walk down
Rokeby again. Find Bagot again, realise that I've turned round, I am
now going back towards Kings Park.. Deb phones, I no longer show up on
Google Maps. Strange.

I manage to get to Cambridge St, walk along looking for a bus stop for
the number 92 bus. No luck. Later, Deb finds that the 92 no longer
runs.
No worries. I finally find Selby. Use a public toilet. As I come out a
bus passes, I'm too far away, I miss it.
I walk the rest of the way home.

So yes, it takes me three hours and 10km for a five km trip. But I
make it. Finally. No worries.
I can navigate by myself. I don't know why Deb worries :-)


Dr Nick Lethbridge / Consulting Dexitroboper
===

"Knowing the direction doesn't mean you have to go." ...


...Dying for you to Read my blog

... (notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com)