much better day

even before we start this trip i think i will not tackle bluff knoll.

now i'm a definite non starter and today is the day.

deb has decided to stay back with me, at the lodge. to relax. relax? as if.

we are just back from a 5km walk.

the group sets off at 7am. we breathe a sigh of relief.

there's a cache showing 2.1 km away. as the crow flies. we follow roads. and a railway line.

the weather is perfect. sunny, warm, a gentle cool breeze.

sheep, some lambs, a couple of horses, alpacas. the paddocks are still green.

just a few cars. 

we stop, sit, admire the Kalgan river, enough water to almost deserve being called a river.

a car stops. the driver asks if we're okay, if we need water. i reassure her.

we walk back home. enjoying the weather, the distant mountain glimpses, the surrounding farms.

enjoying being just the two of us. with no schedule to keep.

back at the lodge, we wander round the property. there is our motel- style block and a few cottages. we eat lunch in an open shed with tables and chairs. listening to the birds. admiring the view (trees, open spaces, mountain glimpses)

we meet a woman who is there to do some cleaning. she gives us her life story :-)

its enjoyable. interesting. easy conversation.

the rest of the group are due back in a few hours.

till then we are relaxing

Nick Lethbridge    /    Consulting Dexitroboper
Agamedes Consulting    /   Problems? Solved.
   ===


As Conan says: What does not kill you
does not kill you

Peace

I enjoy three hours of peace and quiet

Little birds hopping distant birds singing

Occasional people arriving

A young couple with a young baby ask me about tracks

They set off saying they will turn back off it gets difficult

I'm glad to see them when they safely return

Also glad to see Deb when she returns

She says Nancys peak is the best walk so far rocky steps but good views

Unfortunately the rest of the group also return

I'm starting to recognise faces even remember some names

But when I see a group of people eating lunch I have no idea if it's our group

Till I spot Deb

Makes it hard to talk to anyone when I am not sure who it is

Almost enough time to drink my tea then we're off again

To Castle Rock

I stay behind again

I'm too slow and unsteady for their risk assessment

If just me and Deb then I'd walk the 2.2km no worries just slowly

What a bugger

Definitely no more group tours for me

Can't even bail  and go home

--

Dr Nick Lethbridge / Consulting Dexitroboper
...

===


Dying for you to read my blog, at https://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com.au/ :-)

The word "boobs" is so scary until you get to the second "b". (Alfred E. Neumann

Tree in rock

I'm at tree in rock picnic area. The crows are walking to Nancys peak. I have three hours of peace and quiet :-)

--

Dr Nick Lethbridge / Consulting Dexitroboper
...

===


Dying for you to read my blog, at https://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com.au/ :-)

The word "boobs" is so scary until you get to the second "b". (Alfred E. Neumann

a Stirling effort day 1

day 1. we're picked up from the city.

And then we drive, drive, drive. six hours to Kendenup. In a mini bus.

Lunch was to be in Kojonup but the café is closed, today is a public holiday. So we buy sandwiches at north Bannister. Then eat as we drive, a late pickup so we are behind schedule.

Deb has ham cheese and mustard. A bit generous with the mustard, neither of us can eat it. So we share my mild cheese and salad.

Lunch time and we are past Kojonup. deb and I, a few years ago, took two days to drive to Kojonup stopping overnight half way.

the whole trip is long drives broken by two or three hours walking.

not that i do much walking.

we arrive at kendenup lodge. nice place, nothing fancy. peaceful.

then back on the bus to drive to mt hassel.

deb walks. seven in our group, only one makes it to the top.

i walk 500m. it's loose stones. I'm hopeless, constant fear of falling. i turn back. unfortunately the tour guides feel that one of them must walk back with me.

next day we go to mt trio. the tour guides tell me to stay at the bus. otherwise they may be one guide short if i turn back. i agree wi the the decision.

okay, im not happy. but i do enjoy the couple of hours by myself.

so i settle down and watch the group walk away. up a lot of steps.

once they are put of sight i walk up the steps. not all the way. 35 minutes up, a bit more down again.

plus i spend some time looking for a geocache near the carpark. which i fail to find.

i end up within 100m of the bus but not clear where it is... of course i took the precaution of setting a waypoint on the gps, which i follow back.

deb etc get back, we have another look for the cache, unsuccessful, then back to the bus for tea.

no time to relax, the bus must leave. i dump my tea. i dont enjoy being on someone elses timetable.

lunch is at some other lodge. diy ham and cheese rolls. followed by a wildflower walk... no guide, she was double booked. no flowers, no orchids anyway. plenty of mozzies.

then more driving. with short walks. one where queen of sheba orchids have been seen but not today.

the tour is well planned well organised. guides are good, other people are interesting.

never again will i go on such a tour.

when deb and i tour, the company is excellent. pace is relaxed, we are flexible. and we never rush afternoon tea.

back to the lodge for dinner. cheese and crackers first, delicious.

dinner is nice. all from packets. but nice.

more mts tomorrow. i plan to stay with the bus. it would be easier to stay at the lodge but i prefer to travel with deb, and deb ditto.

im sort of enjoying myself but ive had enough of this tour. three more days :-(

Nick Lethbridge    /    Consulting Dexitroboper
Agamedes Consulting    /   Problems? Solved.
   ===


As Conan says: What does not kill you
does not kill you

almost away

We're packed and ready to go... tomorrow.

Now that we're committed -- I'm relaxed about the whole thing :-)

There's no laundry where we'll stay so clothes packing is simple: one to wear and one for spare.

Tough decision with the tablet: Do I take the one which has worked all round the world but is old and struggling? Or the new one which does what it wants rather than what I want.

This is a "holiday" so I should post to this blog. Don't be surprised if posts are few and far between.

I try to be clever, take a photo with the phone, post it to facebook. Total fail. So as usual, no photos.

I set an early-morning alarm on the tablet. Which is now packed at the bottom of my case... Oh well.

Dr Nick Lethbridge / Consulting Dexitroboper

...        Agamedes Consulting / Problems ? Solved

===

If you always see your glass as half empty, try getting a smaller glass. (Alfred E. Neuman)

Dying for you to read my blog, at https://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com/ :-)

fear of change

we could go to the show, Deb says. no thanks i reply. the thought of pushing through the crowds is just too much for me.

Next day i say... id like to go to the show. it's still a scary thought but, i do like the show. so...

Deb does all the organising. buys tickets. arranges an uber. gets us in. i see crowds but don't recognise it as a queue. oh well.

inside, we meet up with family.

walk round. buy food. visit the animal nursery.

i want to pat the piglets, grandson goes with me to give me an excuse. patting piglets, noisy squealing little things, skin like leather, what fun :-)

pigs are the highlight of the show... for me.

logchop is also a highlight.

our group splits up. deb and i head straight home. three hours, 3 or 4 km walked. animals patted, crowds negotiated.

i do bump a few people, dont see them on my left. not as scary as i expected. following deb, watching my feet, avoiding people, mostly, i dont get much chance to see exhibits, but enough.

great fun, a good day out.

heres a joke... I'll be glad when five cent pieces are phased out, i dont like change :-)

hmmm, that punch line is true. next week we'll be on a walking holiday. i dread it. not the walking, just the change. being away from home. then i think... just like today at the show, deb will look after me, organise me, get me where we have to go. i feel better... sad isn't it :-)

 

--

Dr Nick Lethbridge / Consulting Dexitroboper
...

===


Dying for you to read my blog, at https://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com.au/ :-)

The word "boobs" is so scary until you get to the second "b". (Alfred E. Neumann

never give up

I'm trying again, talking to an app developer. Early days yet, but he seems competent.

====

I still dream a lot but it's hard to capture -- to remember -- a dream. I often wake up and think, that was interesting -- but can't remember anything else. Just that it was an interesting dream. Sometimes I remember that a dream is related to a book that I'm reading but that's all. Still dreaming, less remembering.

====

Another late night and I'm climbing into bed. I think, medical opinion is that I will die soon rather than later... hopefully well before Deb. Which means... I will always have Deb to look after me -- and that's something to be glad about :-)

====

The soles of my feet are still somewhat insensitive. It's a known side-effect of chemo. Or... I wonder... is it just age?

I'm tired, sleep a lot. Is that age? I'm sometimes dizzy when I stand quickly. Age? I have trouble with new, changing, technology. Age?

Perhaps I should look for a book: "You're getting old, get used to wearing out".

Or perhaps I'll just grumble about it :-)

===

And this should show our draft itinerary for England next year.

I'd better start to organise some accommodation... before everyone starts booking for possible coronation tours.

 

Dr Nick Lethbridge / Consulting Dexitroboper

...        Agamedes Consulting / Problems ? Solved

===

If you're not a part of the solution, then you're part of the vast majority. (Alfred E. Neuman)

Dying for you to read my blog, at https://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com/ :-)

fun :-)

Tomorrow we will have a grandson to mind for a few hours... fun :-)

Though it does mean that I will have to be early out of bed... before lunch anyway.

Phew! I do sleep a lot. Just being awake makes me tired :-(

Otherwise -- all well.

More fun: I have a rough itinerary for our trip to England. Now I need to see if there is accommodation at suitable points. I may skip the manor at $1,000+ per night.

I also need to plan two brain MRIs. (I seem to be back to every three months -- as long as I stay "stable". Shift the scans round so I am not expected to be scanned while away :-)

And hope I stay stable so we *can* go away. So far so good :-)

Dr Nick Lethbridge / Consulting Dexitroboper

...        Agamedes Consulting / Problems ? Solved

===

If you're not a part of the solution, then you're part of the vast majority. (Alfred E. Neuman)

Dying for you to read my blog, at https://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com/ :-)

Here we go again

Phew! Sometimes it's not safe to have a good idea :-)

But first:

There was an article in the paper last week about "toxic positivity". I only skimmed it, I think it was about the pressure to be positive and enthusiastic at work. Which results in yes-men, never admitting to bad news, overwork and burnout.

The message was: it's not always good to be positive, especially if it's a forced false attitude.

Meanwhile, back at home...

Forget the false positive attitude :-(

I'm terminal, my app is not getting anywhere... I'm miserable.

But...

That's no reason to act badly. Not if it upsets Deb. (Anyone else can take their chances :-)

I may be depressed. But... on the surface... there is a lot that I enjoy. Family, friends, beautiful weather, getting out for a run, complaining about the stupidities of the world (but that's another blog).

So yes, I have (I believe) a lot to be miserable about. And I'm happy to be miserable about it. I'm not going to pretend that I'm happily accepting the ... whatever it is that I'm complaining about. What I will try is to not let my underlying depression mess up the good stuff. So there. Such as:

===

Today we are out orienteering. Beautiful weather, wildflowers are blooming. I don't even try to follow the map. (As Deb says, the map-navigation bit of my brain is in a pickle jar in a lab somewhere). I just follow Deb. Using a hiking pole... as a walking stick... and sitting down on the steep downhills. The bush is quite open but it's still hard work. And very satisfying... made it! 3km in an hour. And I barely swear at all.

===

It's always fun to chat with other orienteers. One bloke says that he thought I was dying. I admit that yes, it's really embarrassing that I'm still alive. Best I can offer is that now, five years after diagnosis -- I'm at the thin and pointy end of the distribution curve. Possibly stretching the curve.

Evening. The family is round for dinner. It's a kid's birthday so pizza and icecream cake mmmm:-)

===

But first: I read a book of travel (and romance) set in England. Such a good book that I think perhaps we should go to England.

There's a bit of to-and-fro. Is Deb saying yes only because she thinks that I want to go? Does Deb really want to go? Am I just being crazy? (yes) Will I be unbearably grouchy between packing and take-off? (yes) 

Our past overseas holidays have begun with something that we want to do then we fit a holiday round it. For example, the last holiday started with the Edinburgh Tattoo. Others started with an inn-to-inn walk or a marathon. This idea is just... English gardens. With perhaps some English history.

I think... blow it... sit at the PC and try to book flights... and fail. The Qantas website defeats me. But not for long...

Our sons arrive, I sit one at the PC and... within five minutes we have tickets to fly to England. And back :-)

===

So... we'll be out of the country, mid next year.

Which really is back to the original theme of this blog. And about time, too :-)

===

On a related topic:

Time to get with the technology, I think. Time to run Facebook on my phone so I can post holiday snaps from the phone. Perhaps even post photos to this "holiday" blog. Today I take the phone to orienteering to test the process -- and forget to try it.

Then (proudly) tell a son of my photo idea. That's so old-person, he says.

Oh well. Still, I guess that I am an old person :-)

Dr Nick Lethbridge / Consulting Dexitroboper

...        Agamedes Consulting / Problems ? Solved

===

If you're not a part of the solution, then you're part of the vast majority. (Alfred E. Neuman)

Dying for you to read my blog, at https://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com/ :-)

Miserable but relaxed

I'm in a particularly miserable few weeks (or more?). Miserable enough that it upsets Deb. So I tell Deb that I will try not to let my misery be too visible. Why don't I blog it? Deb asks. Funny, I'm not keen. Or, more accurately it's a mix of not keen and can't be bothered.

Me being miserable is not new. It's still the misery that started when I stopped paid employment. wtf do I do now? I don't have all-consuming hobbies. I played WoW for hours on end but a new release makes it too complicated. I  played cards online but the government has banned that.

What I did enjoy -- for hours on end -- was writing "my phone app". Until I reached the limits of my coding skill. So I bite the bullet, do what seems to work for others and paid other people to code it.

The latest batch of morons obviously can't or won't read. They return a "design" which has no relationship to what I describe. So I've given up. Yes, I'm still waiting on whatever they produce next but I don't expect anything useful.

Deb alsos suggests that I could see a psychologist.

Yep, I could admit defeat. Admit that my ability to manage my own misery has failed. And what would a psychologist do? Tell me to be happy? Cure my cancer? Write my app? Not interested (perhaps I should be. Perhaps drug-and-talk-induced fake happiness would be nice.)

So now I have nothing to keep my mind busy. I look at the "design" rubbish and just give up. Give up the app and give up interest in life. I still tick over. Enjoy the family, play with the grandson (the g-daughter is still at the boring pre-speech age). I still plan holidays (Deb and I have three to plan). But if I drop dead today, well, wtf. Which attitude does have a benefit:

Each MRI scan brings stress, will this be the one where my brain is visibly dying? Well, this last causes hardly a ripple. Has my cancer exploded? I don't really care. And that -- not caring -- is something to be glad about :-)

So I've written about my misery. I can pin the blame entirely on the failure to develop my app. The probability of death (which feels very real) is not a great problem. Relatively speaking. After all, death is just an essential part of life. And if I'm actually dying then I can finally and formally admit that my app will never happen. That will be a relief. 

And guess what. I still feel just as miserable. Oh well.

Dr Nick Lethbridge / Consulting Dexitroboper

...        Agamedes Consulting / Problems ? Solved

===

If you're not a part of the solution, then you're part of the vast majority. (Alfred E. Neuman)

Dying for you to read my blog, at https://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com/ :-)