meltdown

We are shopping. Me as usual pushing the trolley. Near the checkout I tell Deb, I'll see you outside.Because I can't stand being with the people in the shop. I leave Deb to checkout and pay.

I stay quiet on the drive home. unhappy thoughts churning.

Home for lunch. Misery hits me. I cry. Deb looks after me.

I like to think that I'm coping well. On the surface, anyway. Sometimes I don't cope at all. now, for example, I'm cursing the stupid swype keyboard. it fucks with the words i try to type.

i suppose i could move to the pc. with a proper keyboard. thats at the centre of my problem.

everything i do towards my app, i do on the pc. if i go near the pc i think about my app. and tnat makes me miserable.

deb calls the app my hobby. i tell her its not a hobby. its an obsession.

there are aeveral things i should be doing before i die. some ive started. others ive given up on, no interest.

the app is the one thing that i really really would like to finish.

a few years ago i reached my coding skill limits, decided i should bite the bullet. pay professionals.

is it just me? or are the professionals all dickheads who have no skills beyond selling.

i look again at the response from the latest morons. it seems that they cant even read. fucking morons.

so i think that i shall define my app as clearly as possible. pick away at it. adding detail.

but really. i just cant be fucking bothered. first, im the only person who wants the app. i long ago gave up trying to convince people to look at an idea that they did not think of first. the only way i could push my idea is to show a working app... okay probably would not convince idiots but at least id be happy.

now ive given up hope of ever getting a working app.fucking morons want to sell the same shit that they sold to the last sucker. too hard to do something different.

okay, perhaps im being hard on the idiots.perhaps they were too busy to read what i wrote. fucking morons. too far up themselves to ask me what i meant. what exactly i was asking for.

well, its been sitting in my mind for weeks now. i may be way off the beam. i just dont fucking care.  this latest lot of paid monkeys is never going to code my app. they are a waste of time.

believe it or not. that is why i am miserable. why i went into meltdown. because ive given up hoping that my app will ever be written.

oh well. more time available for going for a run.

====

i post to this blog. get things off my chest. stop worrying about whatever it is.write it down. clear my mind. feel better.

not working today.

id better sleep on it.

rede oft is found at break of day :-)

Nick Lethbridge    /    Consulting Dexitroboper
Agamedes Consulting    /   Problems? Solved.
   ===


As Conan says: What does not kill you
does not kill you

definite down side

A down-side of my wonky vision is that I have to be extra careful on rough ground. I may trip over something "invisible" to my left. In fact...

Sunday we are out orienteering. Deb leads, I follow. No way I can navigate :-)

The area is a limestone ridge, with rough tracks and good views. I have a bit of trouble on slippery down-slopes, I have to be very careful where I place my feet.

The there is some nice level track. I jog... and crash.

There must be a rock. I don't see it. I trip... and fall flat out. Flying -- down.

My hands are underneath. I only know this because my GPS watch now has ground-in dirt under the strap.

I crash onto my gut and my knees. Ouch!

The wind is knocked out of me. It takes me a few seconds to get enough breath to swear. There are two nasty cuts on one knee. Nothing serious though.

We slow down for the rest of the course. Nothing is badly hurt but I use the cuts for sympathy. Deb is good with sympathy :-)

Next day: I go for a run. To prove that I don't *have* to fall over :-) No worries.

Dr Nick Lethbridge / Consulting Dexitroboper

...        Agamedes Consulting / Problems ? Solved

===

"Gone to lunch. If not back by 5, Gone to dinner." ... per Ginger Meggs

Dying for you to read my blog, at https://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com/ :-)

in the dark

we're in the dark... literally. the power has failed, again.

we had a couple of hours' power late afternoon, enough to get a bit ofcharge into my tablet. enough to type this post. it will be posted when the power comes on again.

meanwhile, we sit in the dark.

the scan results are just as unenlightening. nothing definite.

the oncologist has nothing definite to say. I'm feeling deafer than usual. what she says is not very clear. my understanding -- or best guess -- is:

no significant change since last scan, three months ago. well, that's sort of good. not worse, anyway :-)

the scan shows areas which may be growing cancer. if they are growing then it is very slowly, less than a mm in three months.

also there are "spots". what are they? no idea. spots. possibly cancer but small?

so what does it all mean? it means that I still have cancer. (as we always know) but it is not *rushing* to kill me. probably :-) there is more cancer -- if it is cancer -- than at the last scan. but only a tiny bit more.

smart money is still saying cancer. nothing is certain unless my head is opened up.

so what now? we continue to wait and see!

next scan will be in only two months. if that is also showing not much... then I'll be back to a scan every three months.

so we're in the dark. doubly so :-) pretty much the same as after the previous scan. (but now with no electric power:-)

but it's *not* visibly worse. and that's something to be glad about :-)

Nick Lethbridge    /    Consulting Dexitroboper
Agamedes Consulting    /   Problems? Solved.
   ===


As Conan says: What does not kill you
does not kill you

peace and quiet

Tonight Deb and I enjoy a romantic dinner by candlelight :-)

Why? Because the electric power has failed.

We're ready for this. We've lived in WA for years. We bring out the candles and torches. Boil water on the gas stove (which needs to be lit with a match). We read books and play games on our battery-powered tablet computers. Books and games that do not need the internet, that is.

We get a text from Telstra saying that there is an internet fault. Not a worry... with no power our modem is blank, no access to the internet even if there were an internet.

Thirteen hours later, the electric doorbell rings and lights come on... we have power. Deb turns on the dishwasher. I set my mobile phone to recharge. Still 7% charge. Enough for one quick call if we had needed it.

Another quiet night at home :-)

Tomorrow we reset all the electrical devices which include a time display. The pendulum clock just keeps on ticking :-)

Dr Nick Lethbridge / Consulting Dexitroboper

...        Agamedes Consulting / Problems ? Solved

===

"It is not certain that everything is uncertain." ... Blaise Pascal===

Dying for you to read my blog, at https://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com/ :-)