feeling good !

I may have thought that I was coping well, in the week before my last scan. Well... I feel even better *this* week !

I'm sleeping better, I'm in a better mood, I'm looking at a list of possible future activities... No matter how well I "cope" -- it is still a great relief to be cancer-free. For three more months, anyway :-)

Back a bit: After the fun run I felt okay. Wouldn't have wanted to run any faster (possibly couldn't) but still able to walk after. Though I had an aching calf and slight aches in the knees. All of which made walking difficult for a day, then cleared completely.

Cleared enough that today (Thursday) I went with Deb for another training run. 6.7km in a bit less than an hour. Still slow but still moving :-)

I'm sure there was something else noteworthy... but I can't remember what... so it won't be noted. Note to self: post it while I can still remember it ! Whatever it is...

Dr Nick Lethbridge / Consulting Dexitroboper

...        Agamedes Consulting / Problems ? Solved

===

"That which does not kill us does not kill us." … attributed to Conan the Barbarian

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https://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com.au/

all still clear :-)

MRI last week, see the doctor this week. And all is clear ! No sign of new brain cancer ! Which means that I am clear -- until the next scan :-)

Quite a relief. Deb is even more relieved. We celebrate... with a coffee and cake. Now I will consider myself "all clear" until September, when I will be scanned again. With, I expect, increasing levels of worry in the week or two before that next scan.

Meanwhile, however, all clear!

Dr Nick Lethbridge / Consulting Dexitroboper

...        Agamedes Consulting / Problems ? Solved

===

"That which does not kill us does not kill us." … attributed to Conan the Barbarian

===

https://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com.au/

running and bragging

Friday morning... I'm still worried. About handyman work around the house & a fun run on Sunday. So worried, that I'm even wondering if I will enjoy looking after our grandson :-( Well, not to worry!

I'm tired -- as usual. Deb does most of the child-minding -- as usual. The morning is swimming lesson, where I just watch the lesson & mind the clothes. And, today, doze. Oh, and I sleep for almost an hour after lunch...

But by then, being with Deb & our grandson has worked its usual magic: I'm enjoying myself :-) So Friday afternoon is excellent.

Saturday, a few things to keep us busy. And I don't worry about anything -- except tomorrow's fun run. It will be twelve km!

A month ago I ran an 8km fun run, no worries. My longest training run has been 7km. All I have to do on Sunday is 12km... Hmmm.

Also, this run starts in the middle of the city. Down past the bus port. That's the bus port that I passed -- without seeing -- while running "unconscious" -- last year, at the start of my cancer adventure. Am I nervous? Yes! Am I worried? Not really. There is no reason that I should fall over tomorrow. I'm feeling fine, it's only two months since a clear scan. All good.

So it's just the distance -- and a potentially cold, wet start -- that has me worried. So worried that other possible worries don't have a chance to worry me... And that's something to be glad about :-)

===

Change of topic: I've had my hair cut down to a "number one" cut, since the radiation created a bald spot. I'm letting it grow back -- just a couple of mm so far -- but Deb says that I need another close cut. I guess that the bald area is still there :-)

And there's something mysterious about the regrowth. Must be the drugs, or worry, or radiation... My hair is growing back grey! Goodness! how could that be? Oh, yes... it was grey before. rofl :-)

===

And then there's my cold. Or, I should say, the family cold. Son & his wife and their child had it. Deb had it. I had it. Son, grandson & Deb are now coughing, not very nice. Me? My nose runs a bit...

When I get a cold I look after myself: keep warm, eat well, sleep a lot. And Deb looks after me. Deb, however, just keeps on going as usual... and doesn't have anyone to shower her with care & attention. (I do offer sympathy and tissues.) So my cold is not as serious. And:

I just stared the cold virus in it beady little eyes and said, You call that a disease? Ha! Now *this* is a disease! And the virus slunk away, cowed and defeated... lmao :-)

===

Okay, back to the run...

Sunday, crack of dawn, off to the city. Occasional drizzle but it's quite warm. Deb's run starts an hour after mine, so I walk alone to the start. (Alone, that is, except for the 36,000 other runners... but they don't count.)

I am constantly doing my "VSE" -- visual surveillance of environment. That is, I look for a landmark ahead, notice it when I pass, remember it later. This is because the first sign of my brain tumour was on a fun run, when I failed to see things. Such as the start banner, which I was actively looking for. I passed it -- but still wondered why it was not there... So now I look out for things. If I start to miss the obvious -- I just hope that I will have the sense to stop!

Today, no worries :-) Everything is there, where expected. Phew!

The weather is cool and damp, perfect. And to cut a long story short: I jog non-stop, finish the run, and can still walk :-)

My slowest (as minutes per km) fun run ever! (Except for a rather difficult marathon.) But I finish! And am very pleased.

===

Deb and our older son also ran. Deb ran a shorter course, fast enough. Son ran the 12km... faster than me... as usual. Bah! no more to be said :-)

===

And it wouldn't be a blog post without a poo reference. So, with that warning...

I've noticed that my poo sinks. Pre cancer -- pre trying to digest cytotoxic drugs, pre radiation to the head and gut -- my poo generally floated. For months now, it sinks.

And now, this morning -- my poo floats again! Have I finally digested the last of the various drugs that I have swallowed? Has my gut finally recovered from its doses of radiation? Have I changed my diet? (No to that last one.) I take it as a return to "normal". I take it as a good sign.

That's my gut, fighting back to normal operation. But what about my brain? The results of my latest MRI scan will be available... later this week. What, me worry? Well, right now... not really. I'm too pleased to have survived a 12km fun run :-)

Dr Nick Lethbridge / Consulting Dexitroboper

...        Agamedes Consulting / Problems ? Solved

===

"That which does not kill us does not kill us." … attributed to Conan the Barbarian

===

https://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com.au/

blogging certainly works :-)

Last night I couldn't sleep. My mind churned, going over and over various perceived problems. So I get out of bed, write down all my problems and post them to the blog.

Then I go back to bed and immediately fall asleep! By writing down (well, typing up!?) my problems -- they can be cleared from my mind. Not that the problem disappears -- but I no longer feel the need to think about it.

The problem is written down, I can think about it later. Whether or not I actually do think about it later -- I do feel better immediately.

And that is why I post to this blog. Because it makes me feel better.

It works.

===

And now I've finished the cut-and-paste of blog postings into a Word document. I drew the line a few posts back; from then on will be "volume 2". Which may or may not be written... It depends on how long I feel fit and able to work on the pc.

The Word doc will be printed for Deb. I will also -- because I may as well -- publish it as an ebook on "Smashwords". Never know, there may be two or three people who search for books with keywords "death" and "dying" and "cancer"... :-)

===

I post via an email, so each post has my current email signature at the bottom. I rather like the Conan quote which is on my email signature for this post :-) Deep barbarian philosophy...

Dr Nick Lethbridge / Consulting Dexitroboper

...        Agamedes Consulting / Problems ? Solved

===

"That which does not kill us does not kill us." … attributed to Conan the Barbarian

===

https://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com.au/

sleeping badly

This last week I have been sleeping badly. I wake up at three or four o'clock and can't get back to sleep. Or, at least, I doze and snap awake and doze and snap awake again... for an hour or two.

Tonight is worse. I doze for just half an hour -- then snap awake. And lie there, mind churning, not feeling remotely sleepy. It's because I'm worried.

Not worried about not sleeping! Worried about things that keep my mind churning and keep me awake.

I'm worried about tomorrow's MRI scan. Scared, in fact. Next week I will find out, has the cancer reappeared? Doesn't matter how well I think I'm coping, the thought of a new tumour scares me. I'm not ready! I haven't even cleared the junk out of my study!

The thought of death scares me. But not as much as the thought of dying with so much not yet done. No, not a bucket list. It's just that there's so much that I need to do to prepare Deb for life after my death. So much that I have not yet done -- because I don't yet have the feeling that death is "imminent". But what if it is? What if this next scan shows that my life expectancy has just dropped to weeks? I'm not ready!

I'm scared that the scan will show signs of impending doom... But then, that will mean that I definitely do not have time to do all that I should... So no use in rushing. And that could be something to be glad about :-)

Another worry is the kitchen cupboard. Eh?! No, not a cancer problem. But it did keep me awake for several nights.

Our gas cooktop stopped working. So we buy a new one. Which is slightly higher. So our rangehood is now too low to be legal. So we get a new rangehood. Except that it needs to be set higher, to be clear of the new cooktop. So we need to raise the lower shelf of a kitchen cupboard. Which is a good, solid affair which has lasted 30 years. And cannot easily be either raised or removed. So we will probably need to replace a row of three connected cupboards. Which will put a new, mismatched set of cupboards into the kitchen. Which will clash and -- being modern -- not last as long as the existing cupboards... And so on.

How best to deal with the kitchen cupboard? That has kept me awake for several nights. Though not tonight because I think we're making progress.

There's a fun run on Sunday. Normally, I read as much as is available about "on the day" at a fun run. This one, I have entered, that's all. Plus, my training runs have only been for half the fun run distance. Could be a worry, running the full distance on Sunday.

And the fun run starts in the city. Where the City to Surf started, last year. That's the run where I crashed out and woke up in ED. I've done one fun run since then, no worries. This will be a fun run which starts -- as did the C2S -- in the city. Another associative bridge to be crossed. You can be certain that I will be doing my VSE on Sunday: making sure that I am fully aware of where I am, what I am doing...

I will also -- before going back to bed tonight -- read the website to see what the arrangements are for the day of the race. To get a feeling that at least I am just a little bit prepared!

Oh, and I really need new running shoes. The laces are unbreakable but several of the holes for laces have ripped. No, not cheap shoes -- but cheap design, no eyelets. I hope they will hold together for the Sunday run... Or, perhaps, I will wear my second-favourite shoes. Yes, that seems like a more sensible -- less worrying -- option.

Remember the tingling that I get on the soles of my feet? It's a known but unexplained side-effect of cancer. Or of cancer treatment. My feet tingle, regularly. It's no great worry.

Tonight, the left side of my face starts to tingle. I'm lying in bed, tingling... Then pulling faces and feeling, are both sides of my face moving equally? Afraid -- though not really believing -- that brain damage may have caused a stroke. When I come downstairs I repeat the face-pulling in front of a mirror...

Both sides of my face move equally. Both sides of my body move equally. The tingling has gone now, almost entirely. After a short burst of sole-of-feet tingling. Another mysterious, idiopathic side-effect of something. But not, as far as I can tell, a stroke :-)

Wow! am I beginning to catastrophise! Mostly, a flow-on from the fear of the results of tomorrow's scan. As far as I can tell.

I'll be glad when I get the results. That will be sometime next week. I'll be glad to stop worrying. Or, at least, to know what I am worrying about! Right now, I'm afraid of something over which I have no control. And which may not happen. Next week I will find out whether I really need to worry... or whether I can put off my worries for the three months till my next scan.

And now, I'll look at the fun run website. Read all about it. Then I can at least knock one worry off my worry list :-) (a bit later: Okay, done that. And it's familiar, I did read it earlier. Just forgot what I had read :-)

Time to get back to bed. To sleep!

Dr Nick Lethbridge / Consulting Dexitroboper

...        Agamedes Consulting / Problems ? Solved

===

"I know so little that it astonishes me how many people know even less." … per Ginger Meggs

===

https://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com.au/

nothing embarrassing here !

For weeks now I've been stalling, avoiding writing about the latest in my sex life. Or my non-sex life. It's hard to write about it. It's just so embarrassing.

No it's not!

I'm working my way through more than 250 "not dead yet" posts, preparing to print the lot, for Deb. (Yes, Deb does want to read this blog. Just not while I'm still alive.) "Preparing to print" involves reading every single post. Not something I ever intended to do. But I do need to correct some obvious typos. To add a few words here and there, where the original post makes no sense. To try to standardise the tense. (I try to write all posts in the present tense.) So I read all my past posts.

It turns out that I have already covered every topic that I think is so embarrassing! Every topic, though not the actual points that I now need to document. So here we go, with no embarrassment. For me...

I'll include headings. (Just a single line starting with "...") So children -- and adults with delicate sensibilities -- know which sections to skip.

... More poo

As I get older, I fart more. As I get over cancer drugs I fart even more -- and the farts include (apparently) more solid material. How do I know this?

My pajama pants go distinctly brown. I know that I am not pooing my pants. (I've done that, I know the signs.) My farts contain enough solid matter to stain my pants.

Is this just old age? I don't think so... Even at my worst -- before cancer, after eating lots of figs or oats -- I did not stain. Not this much, anyway :-)

Yukk :-(

... Sex and fantasy

Old age definitely slows down my sex life. Pre cancer I had almost reached the stage where I would regularly get as much sex as I could handle -- only because I could handle so little. Worst case was that I would start... and lose interest half-way through.

Part of this is my mind. It works too hard... I would start to think, What if I "lose interest"? This thought would distract me... and I would lose interest. Not a problem in my youth. Or rather, only a problem when I was worried and my mind would forget what it was meant to be doing, start to think worrying thoughts... and I would lose interest -- physical interest -- in the current activity. Sigh...

(Despite all my problems, still a very satisfying sex life, thanks Deb :-)

Now back to the blog theme: me with cancer.

For several months -- I have absolutely no ability for sex. Some interest but only as, Yes, that's an attractive woman. None of the, Phwaugh! that's an attractive woman!! To put it bluntly, I can recognise that there is sex appeal but the body completely fails to respond.

And then... gradually, over the last two months... some physical response returns.

First sign: the "piss hard-on". Which is not a description that I have heard or used before. It was part of the monologue of a stand-up comedian -- a woman. The woman seemed to believe that constant repetition made this expression funny. Oh well.

For me, actually waking up with a "piss hard-on" is quite exciting! It's one of the things which was once standard, then just a memory. Now, an occasional sign --  more and more often -- that my body is regaining the ability to respond! Respond to sexual interest, that is, in case I'm being too subtle.

Then comes the body's response to an attractive woman. Not yet at the Phwaugh! level. But definitely at the Ooooo:-) level... the mind is definitely interested, the body will occasionally add its own, admittedly weak, signs of interest. *Some* response is far more satisfying than none at all :-)

Oh, and it's also a good sign that I am pleased to respond! For months I noticed the lack of response but did not really mind. No interest in sex and no interest in being interested in sex.

Then there is fantasy.

I have a technique for getting to sleep. It is useful when my mind is overactive, when some thought -- or worry -- is churning in my mind, stopping me relaxing, keeping me from sleep. What I do is, I run through a sexual fantasy.

Some people recommend thinking of a single word, over and over: "Elephant, elephant, elephant..." That leaves no room for other -- sleep-disturbing -- thoughts. I prefer a sexual fantasy :-) Not that it ever gets very far, I tend to repeat, repeat, repeat... until I fall asleep.

My ability to focus on this sleep-supporting distraction varies. For months I just cannot do it. (Partly because I fall asleep before I need to think about it.) Now the ability is returning. Accompanied -- with a successful fantasy -- by a suitable bodily response. (See how polite I am? A "suitable bodily response." Luckily *I* know what I mean, and this blog is for me :-)

All of this is -- to me -- reassuring. First the piss hard-on. Then the response to an attractive woman. Then the ability to maintain and respond to a sexual fantasy. Plus the very occasional meeting with Rosie Palm and her five friendly daughters...

No, I'm still not ready for real sex. It's still not an all-day, every-day urge. Even Rosie has problems...

It is, however, a sign that I am regaining some sexual interest. A sign that my body is, slowly, recovering. That my increasing ability to run... well, jog... is part of an overall improvement.

Sure, I'm still lined up for death. I just want to feel as good as possible while I'm waiting. There are definite... small but positive... signs. All good!

And that -- I think -- is all the embarrassing stuff that I need to cover. For today. Not so embarrassing after all, is it?

Well, yes, it *is* embarrassing. Phew! Glad that it's done. Now I can stop thinking about it. Stop thinking about documenting it, that is...

Dr Nick Lethbridge / Consulting Dexitroboper

...        Agamedes Consulting / Problems ? Solved

===

"I know so little that it astonishes me how many people know even less." … per Ginger Meggs

===

https://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com.au/

the MRI lotto

This week I'm due for another MRI scan. If there is new cancer, I guess I'm up for more surgery, radiation or chemo. Though I believe that the chemo has reached the end of its recommended treatment schedule. If there is *no* new cancer, I can choose whether or not to continue with chemo... with the understanding that it has reached the limit of its proven effective treatment. Hmmm... interesting choices :-)

I did go through a stage of worry. What! me, die?! Then I went into true denial. Me? die? never! Now I'm just back to my normal going with the flow. Wait and see, only panic if the MRI says, Panic.

It's like a lotto ticket... Each time I buy a lotto ticket, I *know* that it's a winner. (Though my record is zero wins in at least ten years.) Each ticket is a winner -- until I actually check the results. So... I never rush to check the results.

Today, I am clear of cancer. As far as I *know*. And that's good enough for me. After the scan, I may have more cancer. But till then, I am clear :-)

Although -- just in case -- I am converting this blog-so-far into a printable format. So that Deb (at her request) can read it when I am dead. I'm also going to publish it as an ebook because... well... mostly because I can :-)

===

I'm still waiting to write "the sex post". All about the effect of cancer (and age) on my sex life. It is really hard to write! Because it will really be "the no-sex post". Just as relevant but -- for a macho male like me :-) -- embarrassing.

Converting the blog to hardcopy is just one way of delaying the embarrassing post! Eventually, though, I need to blog the topic, just to get it off my chest. Dang, it's tough being both comprehensive and honest... But I know that I will feel better when it's done.

Dr Nick Lethbridge / Consulting Dexitroboper

...        Agamedes Consulting / Problems ? Solved

===

"I know so little that it astonishes me how many people know even less." … per Ginger Meggs

===

https://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com.au/

more worrying... sigh

I missed one reason for my current worry: headaches.

I've had very, very mild headaches on and off for the last few weeks. So? Historically, I have very few headaches. So this is unusual.

There are several possible reasons for a headache:

I could have a fast-growing tumour which is pushing on my brain and about to explode out of my skull. With MRIs planned for every three months, I worry that a tumour could become dangerous within, well, three months. Silly? Yes... but I still worry.

Mind you, the first and only symptom of my initial tumour was an epileptic-style fit. No headache was involved.

More realistically, I do get headaches after running. Due to an imbalance of salt and water, I guess. I'm doing more running. Another 6km today!) So I manage the tendency to headaches -- then and now -- with extra drinking and salted chips.

I also get a headache when I'm cold. Usually when I sit -- reading or playing on the PC -- for hours and don't notice that I am gradually freezing. It's now almost winter, I have cold days, headaches do follow -- till I rug up warmly.

There are plenty of reasons why I could have headaches. For some reason, I now worry that my head is about to explode with a tumour.

Pretty ridiculous worry, really :-) I hope it's also an unrealistic worry... but if it's not... too bad, there's nothing I can do about that possible cause.

So I drink, eat chips, keep warm. And ignore the mild worry about other possible causes of headaches.

===

The worry has lead to a more realistic acceptance of my limited life expectancy. Which has lead to an increased sense of urgency for some actions. (By "urgency" I mean a mild sense that really, I should get started. Just as my "worry" is more of a mild concern that the situation could become serious.)

One task on my to-do list is to convert this blog to a hardcopy. Yes, I write for my own benefit, to get the thoughts out of my mind. I never want to re-read it. A hardcopy seems pointless. But Deb has mentioned that she too would like to read the blog. Not yet, not while I'm alive. And Deb would prefer to read a printed copy.

So I'm copying posts from this blog to a Word doc. Copying post by post, it's the best option I can find. Then I will need to do some minor layout and spell checking, as little as possible. But with 250-and-counting posts -- it is a slow and tedious task!

No time to delay! No time for procrastination! Get it done!

Get it done tomorrow... or the next day... or whenever I can. After all, my current plan still gives me three years plus one month -- and a bit. So, no need to panic. Not yet :-)

Dr Nick Lethbridge / Consulting Dexitroboper

...        Agamedes Consulting / Problems ? Solved

===

"I know so little that it astonishes me how many people know even less." … per Ginger Meggs

===

https://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com.au/