some things are relative

I am healthy (except for you-know-what) but I am not fit. Not fit ? More accurately: not as fit as I would like to be. So what ? I'm not as young as I was. But... fitness is relative.

At 60 I ran my first marathon. At 65 my marathon days were behind me, I settled for half marathons. That's a result of age -- and laziness, not enough exercise.

Then I was sick, operated on, radiated and drugged. For six months or so I did barely any exercise -- and lost a lot more fitness. Now I am training again -- but not as much as I trained before I was sick. I am regaining some fitness but my current fitness level is not as good as it would have been -- if it were only age which is slowing me down.

On the plus side: I may be fitter than most men of my age. Last weekend I did a "long" orienteering course, my first long course for many, many months. Almost 7.5km, walking & jogging, finishing just within the allowed time. I'm pleased, not bad for my age, I claim :-) Yet I know I could be fitter.

So I complain about not being fit. I blame months of inactivity -- plus laziness, which reduces my enthusiasm for training. That's really why I complain: because it's my own fault that I don't train enough. I complain to remind myself: being sick is an excuse which is past its use-by date. I could now be fitter, I should now be getting fitter... if only I could be bothered.

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Lately, I haven't analysed any dreams. I do still dream. Sometimes I even wake up and think, That was a weird dream ! But there are very few dreams that I remember past waking up. And this is good news !

I wake up from a dream. Probably go to the toilet. Back to bed -- and asleep again, instantly. No staying awake to swallow pills. No staying awake to worry. No staying awake long enough to commit the dream to long-term memory... So I dream but forget the dream before I have time to analyse it.

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A friend asked me, How do I stay cheerful ? I've been thinking about that... especially over the last couple of weeks. I've already entered the pre-scan worry phase. A good time to test being cheerful.

Overall, I am currently in a state of suspended belief: waiting for a killer tumour seems so unreal, so unlikely, that I seldom think about it. Not thinking means not worrying means, I'm feeling cheerful.

I'm also keeping my mind busy. Reading, playing WoW, writing a phone app.

Then I will get a flash, a sudden thought, It's true, I'm going to die! To which I respond, internally, So what ? Nothing I can do about it, push the thought aside. Or accept the thought with a mental shrug. Then -- deliberately -- think about something else.

Not so easy when it's something stupid which I've done in the past... but a similar approach: Too late, it's happened, can't change the past, think about something else. Unless, of course, there is some action which may reduce the damage. In which case I will plan the action, wait till it can be done... and put aside the worry while I wait on taking action.

Of course cancer doesn't have that problem: no action will completely cure the cancer so I don't have to worry about the need to "do something" :-)

But there's another reason for my continual good cheer: I don't believe in sharing bad feelings. Never have. If I have problems, they are mine. A problem shared is... a problem doubled. Not that this is a good approach, often enough it does help to share a problem. Just for the sharing, not expecting a solution. But my approach is to keep my problems to myself.

When I was working -- with all the annoying problems of work -- I learnt to switch off between work and home. I didn't forget about work problems, just stopped letting them affect my behaviour at home. (I hope I was successful !)

It's the same going from home to meet a friend: if I am worried at home I make an effort to switch off the worry while I am out. It's a deliberate effort, to switch my thinking from "worried" to "cheerfully coping". By the time I meet the friend -- I am cheerful.

Yes, I am really cheerful. Better yet, having a cheerful chat with a friend is a very positive experience... On the way home I do not just switch back to gloomy, I maintain the good humour. It's like forcing a smile: force myself to smile and the brain responds by switching to a cheerful mode which justifies the smile. Yes, it does work, it must work, I read the idea in a Readers Digest :-)

So I may not always be truly cheerful. Sometimes I am faking it. By the time I have faked a cheerful chat with a friend -- I am actually cheerful. I am smiling because I am smiling :-) It works for me.

Dr Nick Lethbridge / Consulting Dexitroboper

...        Agamedes Consulting / Problems ? Solved

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"Relax. Only dread one day at a time." … Ginger Meggs

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Dying for you to read my blog, at https://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com.au/ :-)

just another cold

Feeling good :-)

Over the last few weeks I may have reached a peak of emotional well-being, a cheerful expectation that all will be well for several more years. I do have to be careful: too much denial may lead to a serious reaction when reality hits.

Reality did rear its ugly head -- sort of -- a week ago. I feel the slight twinges of worry... with my next scan due in a month. Two months being clear of cancer, one month of worry. One worry *week* would be plenty but I seem to have started a bit early.

Mentally, I have been thinking as clearly as ever. Or, failing to see the clear signs of decline, through the blinding haze of advanced dementia. Either way, my mind seems to be working okay.

The daily crossword is finished over lunch. I manage to complete the previously impossible Sunday "super" cryptic. I'm coding an app for mobile phones. The most significant point is, I feel the enthusiasm to do these things ! Sure, I still sit and read and play games... but I also want to do more.

Books & games & crosswords occupy the mind. They cover up boredom. The phone app provides satisfaction. It actually *kills* boredom. "Boredom" is perhaps not quite the right word. More, the wish to do something "meaningful", to do something *mentally challenging* which is of benefit to myself and to others.

I don't want to *help* people... I want to exercise my brain to create something which can then be *used* to help people.

This not-really-boredom has been a problem for years. Now, while the brain is still working, I have three months at a time in which to tackle whatever it is that I want to tackle. And I have the enthusiasm to try it.

Physically, I am well. Still working on the fitness. Wondering what will happen when the next round of treatment knocks my fitness back a few years. Will I get back the enthusiasm to try again ? Who knows ! It's an interesting question, to be answered when the time comes. Assuming, that is, that there will be another bout of treatment -- followed by another period of recovery...

That's the sort of pre-scan gloomy thinking which is pointless. Time enough to worry when I actually have something to worry about :-) (Wow ! I had to fight hard to not type, Something about which to worry. Still the pedant.)

And on the bright side:

Forget discontent, this has been the Winter of our continuous colds. My latest one has me aching and wanting to just lie down and sleep. Till I finally succumb to the lure of drugs -- and swallow two Nurofen. The relief is amazing !

And the bright side ? I have no trouble swallowing the pills ! For years, I could not swallow a pill. It would stay in my mouth, no matter how much water I drank. I was reduced to soluble tablets, so I took the easy option and avoided all drugs.

After months of toxic, swallow quickly, do not chew, six at a time chemo tablets -- these Nurofen are easy. I just have time to taste the sugar coating -- and they are swallowed. So easy ! And that's something to be glad about :-)

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This weekend I am particularly keen to not be disabled by a cold.

Saturday afternoon is orienteering. I'm slow but can jog the 5km course. Evening, it's a card game, I'm up very late and even win a few dollars. Sunday afternoon is a high school reunion.

I was at the school for only two years, there are only a few people I remember, none that I have met since school. (That's my excuse. With my memory for people I could have attended all five years, joined them for lunch every week since and still forgotten most fellow students.) But fifty years seems well worth celebrating.

There are interesting people. Friendly people. Interesting conversations. Two people that I do remember and am glad to have not seen for fifty years. Others that I am glad to have met. All supported by excellent food.

I leave early but am glad that I went.

And in keeping with the theme of this blog: no one asked, So, have you had cancer lately ? A useful reminder that one man's disease is not the centre of the real universe :-)

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And now: back to activities other than blogging. Which is, after all, just one part of what I enjoy doing.

Dr Nick Lethbridge / Consulting Dexitroboper

...        Agamedes Consulting / Problems ? Solved

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"If money won't make you happy, you won't like poverty either." … Ginger Meggs

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Dying for you to read my blog, at https://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com.au/ :-)