Not Dead Yet !: some things are relative

I am healthy (except for you-know-what) but I am not fit. Not fit ? More accurately: not as fit as I would like to be. So what ? I'm not as young as I was. But... fitness is relative.

At 60 I ran my first marathon. At 65 my marathon days were behind me, I settled for half marathons. That's a result of age -- and laziness, not enough exercise.

Then I was sick, operated on, radiated and drugged. For six months or so I did barely any exercise -- and lost a lot more fitness. Now I am training again -- but not as much as I trained before I was sick. I am regaining some fitness but my current fitness level is not as good as it would have been -- if it were only age which is slowing me down.

On the plus side: I may be fitter than most men of my age. Last weekend I did a "long" orienteering course, my first long course for many, many months. Almost 7.5km, walking & jogging, finishing just within the allowed time. I'm pleased, not bad for my age, I claim :-) Yet I know I could be fitter.

So I complain about not being fit. I blame months of inactivity -- plus laziness, which reduces my enthusiasm for training. That's really why I complain: because it's my own fault that I don't train enough. I complain to remind myself: being sick is an excuse which is past its use-by date. I could now be fitter, I should now be getting fitter... if only I could be bothered.

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Lately, I haven't analysed any dreams. I do still dream. Sometimes I even wake up and think, That was a weird dream ! But there are very few dreams that I remember past waking up. And this is good news !

I wake up from a dream. Probably go to the toilet. Back to bed -- and asleep again, instantly. No staying awake to swallow pills. No staying awake to worry. No staying awake long enough to commit the dream to long-term memory... So I dream but forget the dream before I have time to analyse it.

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A friend asked me, How do I stay cheerful ? I've been thinking about that... especially over the last couple of weeks. I've already entered the pre-scan worry phase. A good time to test being cheerful.

Overall, I am currently in a state of suspended belief: waiting for a killer tumour seems so unreal, so unlikely, that I seldom think about it. Not thinking means not worrying means, I'm feeling cheerful.

I'm also keeping my mind busy. Reading, playing WoW, writing a phone app.

Then I will get a flash, a sudden thought, It's true, I'm going to die! To which I respond, internally, So what ? Nothing I can do about it, push the thought aside. Or accept the thought with a mental shrug. Then -- deliberately -- think about something else.

Not so easy when it's something stupid which I've done in the past... but a similar approach: Too late, it's happened, can't change the past, think about something else. Unless, of course, there is some action which may reduce the damage. In which case I will plan the action, wait till it can be done... and put aside the worry while I wait on taking action.

Of course cancer doesn't have that problem: no action will completely cure the cancer so I don't have to worry about the need to "do something" :-)

But there's another reason for my continual good cheer: I don't believe in sharing bad feelings. Never have. If I have problems, they are mine. A problem shared is... a problem doubled. Not that this is a good approach, often enough it does help to share a problem. Just for the sharing, not expecting a solution. But my approach is to keep my problems to myself.

When I was working -- with all the annoying problems of work -- I learnt to switch off between work and home. I didn't forget about work problems, just stopped letting them affect my behaviour at home. (I hope I was successful !)

It's the same going from home to meet a friend: if I am worried at home I make an effort to switch off the worry while I am out. It's a deliberate effort, to switch my thinking from "worried" to "cheerfully coping". By the time I meet the friend -- I am cheerful.

Yes, I am really cheerful. Better yet, having a cheerful chat with a friend is a very positive experience... On the way home I do not just switch back to gloomy, I maintain the good humour. It's like forcing a smile: force myself to smile and the brain responds by switching to a cheerful mode which justifies the smile. Yes, it does work, it must work, I read the idea in a Readers Digest :-)

So I may not always be truly cheerful. Sometimes I am faking it. By the time I have faked a cheerful chat with a friend -- I am actually cheerful. I am smiling because I am smiling :-) It works for me.