good, bad and irrelevant

yesterday: i'm in bed between two women... oh, okay, it's a dream. a pleasant dream... it's a dream which indicates that i am feeling quite well, getting better. it's another month till my next scans, so, another month of feeling better.

though i have already noticed an early touch of "scan worry". i've been "well" for so long that i now worry that if/when there is bad news, it will hit me hard. which is a ridiculous worry, really. but not to worry, the whole situation is ridiculous :-)

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i wake up 3 or 4 times each night, that's just an old man thing. i usually wake up from a dream. i then go back to sleep quite quickly, so i forget most of the dreams. though i sometimes have a memory that i did dream. here's one that sticks in my mind. highlights stick in my mind:

i'm at a business meeting, no idea what we're discussing. i have no clear view of the man i'm talking with. he mentions kotlin -- that's the language that i'm trying to learn, to write a phone app. i think, i must ask him about kotlin... but i don't get a chance.

(that bit of the dream needs no explanation... i have kotlin on my mind and i could do with some help but there is none available.)

a woman joins the meeting then we take a break. i walk around the city block, there are lots of vacant blocks. i lose track of the building where we are meeting but it's okay, i still have the bit of paper with the address written on it.

back at the meeting and i notice that the woman is now a man with a beard. i'm pleased -- in the dream -- to have noticed the change.

(when i'm awake i can be talking to a relative stranger, turn away, turn back, and not be sure that i'm talking to the same person. actually noticing that the woman is now a man is something to be pleased about.)

then we break for lunch. the meal -- spag bol -- looks good. it's on the table. i do think, in the dream, that it would be more convenient if the food was on plates rather than directly on the table.

(no, i don't wake up hungry. perhaps the spag bol is my mind striving to untangle the complexity of dealing with life and potential death. nah, i think it's just a weird dream.)

so why am i typing this now? is half past one a.m.

i woke up suddenly, with a burning in my throat. acid reflux? is that a thing? at the base of the throat without any pain between there and my stomach? i'll read up on it...

it's a painful way to wake up :-( i immediately think, cancer is destroying my digestive system. i do a lot of that, wondering if some odd feeling is a symptom of cancer. last night, for example, i have a bit of a headache... what, me worry?! oh yes.

consciously, i know that old age is having its effects. not everything is cancer. i know that. deb knows that. but...

deb and i are sitting in a coffee shop. i walk off, check out a nearby shop. step out of the shop -- and it takes me a minute or two to work out where the coffee shop is. usually i watch where i walk, this time i have just looked at the shop i am walking to. it takes me several minutes to restore my usual sense of direction, my ability to point exactly towards home.

i tell deb. you're not having another seizure, are you? deb is worried.

really, we are both getting an early start on the pre-scan worries. dang.

Nick Lethbridge  /  consulting dexitroboper
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"A bird sitting on a tree is never afraid of the branch breaking because its trust is not in the branch, but in its own wings." … unknown
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physically fine

I am feeling very well. Very well indeed :-)  Six months with no treatment and I can feel the difference. Differences:

The soles of my feet are still tingly and numb but sensitive -- no, makes no sense to me, either -- with occasional extreme itchiness. It hurts to walk on a rough surface. The sensitivity and itching seems to have focussed on my right foot, especially the toes. My left sole just tingles. This -- I believe is "peripheral neuropathy" -- nerve damage at the extremities due to the chemo drugs.

I visit the GP. I'm there for a measles jab in one arm, flu jab in the other. No side effects except tiredness over the next few days. Which could well be related to the 12km trail run on Sunday. The jabs are what you do when a daughter is having a baby and tells you to get immunised... Heh! a new granddaughter :-)

Anyway, the GP says that neuropathy takes a very long time to fade away. Possibly (she mumbles) never.

My hands, however, are a lot better. Possibly as good as new, for my age :-) No tingling, no excessive sensitivity. I can turn on taps without it hurting. So that's good.

One peripheral that was affected -- that I have not mentioned before -- is my penis. Definite loss of sensitivity at the tip -- when I pee, I don't feel the final flow. That, too, is back to normal sensitivity. When I pee I can feel that I am peeing. Including the final bit of the flow. It's quite reassuring to not have to look.

No matter how open I claim to be in this blog -- some things do get ignored. Yes, it is embarrassing. No, you can't test the sensitivity. Well... maybe :-)  That's another embarrassing topic:

It may be the return of sensitivity. More likely it's my increasing feeling of good health. Whatever... I am thinking of sex.

For a few months, probably more, sex was just a pleasant thought, wouldn't it be nice, with no visceral response. No, Whoa! I'd like a bit of that! Now the interest is returning. Maybe not a full Rowr! but at least an interested Wuff!

For a while I suffered extreme but short-lived itchiness on various and varying parts of my body. Some were definitely unnatural, I blame them on chemo. Others were due to chafing -- from running -- and have been cleared with careful use of Vaseline.

My hair has grown back. It all fell out before March. It has now grown back, slowly. There is still age-related thinness and balding at the back. Plus an almost bald area where the radiation went in. But I have enough hair that I have had it cut. Trying to make it tidy. Very difficult, with the bald patches.

My digestion is back to where it should be though not to where it was. I can eat what I like, no problems. My taste buds appreciate what they always have. Digestion works well but the poo is softer and a bit more often than it used to be.

The incredible farting machine of June to August has slowed down. Sure I still fart but it is no longer thunderous, no longer continuous. I no longer -- as far as I know -- spend all night farting in my sleep. I'm sure that Deb is pleased.

At 85kg I'm still almost 15kg above where I would like to be. Above my "target running weight". That's okay. It's not much worse that the ten years I spent at more than 5kg above... I'm no good at avoiding good cooking :-)

For a year or so I had trouble standing up. That is, from sitting on the floor to standing up was slow and difficult. In the last month it has become noticeably easier. Repeated sitting-to-standing is an essential skill when playing with a young grandson.

For a few months I could not close my eyes -- while standing -- without feeling that I could fall over. I am now much more stable. I can even -- almost always -- stand on one foot while drying the other.

The GP also worries about my heart. My brother had clogged arteries, chemo can cause heart problems. So the GP sends me to have an ultrasound scan of my heart. That was today.

Informally, the scan technician suggests that it all looks okay. I'll get the formal result from the GP, in a couple of weeks. Pfft! I don't mess around with something as ordinary as a dodgy heart :-)

All up, the last few months has seen a vast improvement in my physical health and well-being. Some of it is a result of more regular running. The regular running is possible because I feel, physically, better. It's a positive feedback loop.

So far, so good :-)

Dr Nick Lethbridge / Consulting Dexitroboper

...        Agamedes Consulting / Problems ? Solved

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"Experience is the comb life gives you once  you're bald" … per Ginger Meggs

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Dying for you to read my blog, at https://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com.au/ :-)

snakes and languages

I'm dreaming that I run a small zoo. Less a zoo... more a few cages with animals. Several people are admiring the animals.

I arrive with a snake. A large snake, possibly a python, longer than me, as thick as my arm. (What do you mean, "phallic symbolism"?) I'm wondering which cage to put the snake in.

We look at one cage which has lots and lots of small bats. A quick flash of snake eating all the bats... nooo... not that cage.

There are now three or four of us holding the snake. It writhes, strongly. We manage to hold on. We look at another cage, a cage made of cloth mesh:

A quick flash of the shake pushing against the mesh. Trying to get in. Trying again, a large snake, pushing to get in... End of dream. (No, I definitely cannot see any phallic symbolism.)

I can't see any hidden meaning in that dream. It's just one that I remember...

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So when I'm awake I'm trying to learn a new language, a coding language for writing mobile phone apps. It's a challenge.

I'm following two instruction manuals. One gives instructions that work but there's no explanation of what it all means. The other explains what it all means but the instructions don't work. Finally... I combine the two and get an "if" statement to actually work. Perhaps I can get the language to work!

And here's the funny thing:

I have the general attitude that yes, I will die, sooner than expected, due to *un*natural causes. I accept this and live with it. (Till I don't, of course.) Timing is unimportant: when it happens, it happens.

Then I get an "if" statement to work. I think, perhaps I *can* finish my app -- given enough time. And I have the strangest feeling: Suddenly, I have something that I want to *finish*. It will take time, lots of time.

There's a sudden and noticeable shift. My attitude was, I'll live till I die -- and do what I can before then. Now I feel, I'll live till I die -- and I hope that it is long enough to finish my app.

Dang! That leaves a lot to learn before I'm ready to die.

Dr Nick Lethbridge / Consulting Dexitroboper

...        Agamedes Consulting / Problems ? Solved

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"Experience is the comb life gives you once  you're bald" … per Ginger Meggs

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Dying for you to read my blog, at https://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com.au/ :-)