good, bad and irrelevant

yesterday: i'm in bed between two women... oh, okay, it's a dream. a pleasant dream... it's a dream which indicates that i am feeling quite well, getting better. it's another month till my next scans, so, another month of feeling better.

though i have already noticed an early touch of "scan worry". i've been "well" for so long that i now worry that if/when there is bad news, it will hit me hard. which is a ridiculous worry, really. but not to worry, the whole situation is ridiculous :-)

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i wake up 3 or 4 times each night, that's just an old man thing. i usually wake up from a dream. i then go back to sleep quite quickly, so i forget most of the dreams. though i sometimes have a memory that i did dream. here's one that sticks in my mind. highlights stick in my mind:

i'm at a business meeting, no idea what we're discussing. i have no clear view of the man i'm talking with. he mentions kotlin -- that's the language that i'm trying to learn, to write a phone app. i think, i must ask him about kotlin... but i don't get a chance.

(that bit of the dream needs no explanation... i have kotlin on my mind and i could do with some help but there is none available.)

a woman joins the meeting then we take a break. i walk around the city block, there are lots of vacant blocks. i lose track of the building where we are meeting but it's okay, i still have the bit of paper with the address written on it.

back at the meeting and i notice that the woman is now a man with a beard. i'm pleased -- in the dream -- to have noticed the change.

(when i'm awake i can be talking to a relative stranger, turn away, turn back, and not be sure that i'm talking to the same person. actually noticing that the woman is now a man is something to be pleased about.)

then we break for lunch. the meal -- spag bol -- looks good. it's on the table. i do think, in the dream, that it would be more convenient if the food was on plates rather than directly on the table.

(no, i don't wake up hungry. perhaps the spag bol is my mind striving to untangle the complexity of dealing with life and potential death. nah, i think it's just a weird dream.)

so why am i typing this now? is half past one a.m.

i woke up suddenly, with a burning in my throat. acid reflux? is that a thing? at the base of the throat without any pain between there and my stomach? i'll read up on it...

it's a painful way to wake up :-( i immediately think, cancer is destroying my digestive system. i do a lot of that, wondering if some odd feeling is a symptom of cancer. last night, for example, i have a bit of a headache... what, me worry?! oh yes.

consciously, i know that old age is having its effects. not everything is cancer. i know that. deb knows that. but...

deb and i are sitting in a coffee shop. i walk off, check out a nearby shop. step out of the shop -- and it takes me a minute or two to work out where the coffee shop is. usually i watch where i walk, this time i have just looked at the shop i am walking to. it takes me several minutes to restore my usual sense of direction, my ability to point exactly towards home.

i tell deb. you're not having another seizure, are you? deb is worried.

really, we are both getting an early start on the pre-scan worries. dang.

Nick Lethbridge  /  consulting dexitroboper
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"A bird sitting on a tree is never afraid of the branch breaking because its trust is not in the branch, but in its own wings." … unknown
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