starting to stress

It's just under a month till my next MRI brain scan. Already I have various signs of stress.

It's hard to settle to any task that will take time. (It's taken me all day to get started on this post.) Various long-term tasks are left untouched. (Mind you, some of those tasks have been waiting -- untouched -- for four years :-)

The likelihood of death is a very conscious thought. I'm restless. It's hard to relax. I'm not feeling sociable. (Nothing new there :-)

I have a preference for reading books which I have already read and enjoyed... books with a happy ending. It makes the current reading more relaxed and more enjoyable.

In the past couple of months I have started some books, not enjoyed how they started and stopped reading. I want to enjoy what I'm reading, I want pleasure and happy escapism.

Any physical oddity and I think, that's it, my brain is exploding...

I'm so tired... Am I dying? Gloom and doom... even though I am almost certain that I am tired because I have been running.

I wake up, walk to the toilet and feel unsteady. Has my brain rotted? ... or is it just that I am still half asleep :-)

It's like reading a medical dictionary: Every little tic or itch or twinge could be the sign of a dreadful disaster... or not !

I'm not miserable. Quite happy, in fact. Just feeling that... yes... death is a reality. Not even imminent but... definite.

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On the other hand: It's possible that the rest of the family can now travel... and be allowed back into WA. Apparently people can come into WA if they are visiting a terminal relative.

I am definitely terminal. (Have been for just over four years :-) Is that good enough to get across the locked state borders?

Thanks to a "sympathetic" government, I now provide a definite benefit to the family... and that's something to be glad about :-)

Dr Nick Lethbridge / Consulting Dexitroboper

...        Agamedes Consulting / Problems ? Solved

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When the going gets tough, the smart get going ... per Ginger Meggs

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Dying for you to read my blog, at https://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com/ :-)

So slow !

Sunday: We're on a trail run.

I'm now reduced to doing the shortest course, it's a bit over five km.

Deb usually runs a longer course. This week she has hurt her knee so she runs the short course. We're at Wungong.

At the start I tell Deb my race plan: I will let Deb draw a little ahead of me, then spend the rest of the run trying to keep Deb in sight.

Deb starts, I start slower. Within two minutes she is out of sight... I don't see her again till the finish.

Deb runs the course almost thirty minutes faster than me.

Some of it (excuses, excuses :-) is because I have to watch my feet, not risk falling. Mostly, though... I am unfit. Very very slow.

The trail is rough and steep. It's an exhausting run. Definitely hard work (for both of us). We enjoy it :-)

Here's another excuse: I've always had very mild asthma. I now use an asthma puffer before a run. It makes less and less difference. In hospital I was warned to practise deep breathing or else my lungs could collapse. I wonder if my lungs have (partly) collapsed? It seems possible. Oh well... I'm sitting still and have trouble getting a deep breath.

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I sent an email offering this blog to... any academic, really... if someone wants to use it as the basis for a research project. Perhaps extract a book of what to expect if you get terminal cancer. As I used to say when our kids were growing up: I don't provide an example but perhaps a warning :-)

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I'm following yet another lead in an attempt to get "my app" written. It's all map-based... Have I mentioned this before: a bit awkward since I now have a lot of trouble making sense of a map... which will make it hard to test any map-based app :-)

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And apart from being constantly tired... I'm still well enough to complain. And that's something to be glad about :-)

Dr Nick Lethbridge / Consulting Dexitroboper

...        Agamedes Consulting / Problems ? Solved

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Stay cool but stop at frostbite" ... per Ginger Meggs

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Dying for you to read my blog, at https://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com/ :-)

nav mode: off !

Okay. I admit it -- I can no longer navigate :-( I stare at an orienteering map. It makes sense, I can plan a course, I can decide how to get from control to control... Then I look at the real world and it makes no sense!

Deb says that the bit of my brain which is now in a pickle jar is the bit that navigates. My own explanation is that my dodgy vision makes it a lot harder for me to see and understand where I am.

Today we go orienteering... This time I ignore the map. I barely watch where we go. I just follow Deb. Easy! And fun :-)

There's a man who was at least ten years older than me, who always ran farther and faster than me. An event is not the same without him:-(  As I say to his widow: He's beaten me again, this time to dropping dead. Yes, I know... Deb tells me not to say it.

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In general I am as well as ever. Every time I have a setback I stop training, so I am now horribly unfit... but well enough to go just over 5km on training runs and trail runs.

Dr Nick Lethbridge / Consulting Dexitroboper

...        Agamedes Consulting / Problems ? Solved

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Stay cool but stop at frostbite" ... per Ginger Meggs

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Dying for you to read my blog, at https://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com/ :-)