Not Dead Yet !: starting to stress

Friday, January 28, 2022

starting to stress

It's just under a month till my next MRI brain scan. Already I have various signs of stress.

It's hard to settle to any task that will take time. (It's taken me all day to get started on this post.) Various long-term tasks are left untouched. (Mind you, some of those tasks have been waiting -- untouched -- for four years :-)

The likelihood of death is a very conscious thought. I'm restless. It's hard to relax. I'm not feeling sociable. (Nothing new there :-)

I have a preference for reading books which I have already read and enjoyed... books with a happy ending. It makes the current reading more relaxed and more enjoyable.

In the past couple of months I have started some books, not enjoyed how they started and stopped reading. I want to enjoy what I'm reading, I want pleasure and happy escapism.

Any physical oddity and I think, that's it, my brain is exploding...

I'm so tired... Am I dying? Gloom and doom... even though I am almost certain that I am tired because I have been running.

I wake up, walk to the toilet and feel unsteady. Has my brain rotted? ... or is it just that I am still half asleep :-)

It's like reading a medical dictionary: Every little tic or itch or twinge could be the sign of a dreadful disaster... or not !

I'm not miserable. Quite happy, in fact. Just feeling that... yes... death is a reality. Not even imminent but... definite.

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On the other hand: It's possible that the rest of the family can now travel... and be allowed back into WA. Apparently people can come into WA if they are visiting a terminal relative.

I am definitely terminal. (Have been for just over four years :-) Is that good enough to get across the locked state borders?

Thanks to a "sympathetic" government, I now provide a definite benefit to the family... and that's something to be glad about :-)