flu?

perhaps it's the flu. if it's flu, if had better  b ereally io Iid *man* flu...

http://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com
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or possibly.

perhaps all that I have is a simple chest infection

something that will drown me in phlegm.

oh what a choice ;-)

http://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com
dying for you to read it :-)
...ranting  http://my3rs.blogspot.com

brain fading, typing blind
if this email is nonsense, pls guess or ask
ndependent Consulting dexitroboper



   

worried

here's how i  feel right now:

if I live another week, I shall be surprised. and pleased.

my cold is now  a snuffly nose and a wheezing chest.

how my cancer should progress:

lungs stopping working... no orders to breath getting through the cancer in the brain stem.

I actually spend quite a long time tonight consciously breathing in and out.

I don't like the cancer doc. deb says, but she kept you alive for seven years.

she certainly did not kill me. despite an aggressive, terminal cancer.

so... thank you :-)

and thank you to anyone who reads this blog. it's written by me, for me but I appreciate that other people are interested

returning from the toilet.  it's dark.

I reach forthe light switch. pause

say aloud

I'm scared

scared of what? not really sure.

but I am scared,

deb wakes up,turns on her bedside light.

I get back into bed, no worries

but I am not sleeping, not even sleepy.

I get back into bed, no wor..ies

....but wi d e awak.e and still scared.

jy lunggs is are asthmatic -- not getting a full breath of air.

http://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com
dying for you to read it :-)
...ranting  http://my3rs.blogspot.com

brain fading, typing blind
if this email is nonsense, pls guess or ask
ndependent Consulting dexitroboper



   

expert advice

here's some advice: think very carefully before following expert advice.. 

in fact, if an expert starts giving advice -- make sure your wife or carer is out of hearing.

we now have a hospital bed --headboard, electric up and down, safety rails, the works, courtesy of Silver Chain. plus a tray table on wheels.

why?

because after 20 years, our real bed is too low. or too high... I forget which, various experts have different opinions.

we keep our real bed, the new bed is in 

another room.

I get familiar with controls and settle in. with a cup tea and a book on the table. ah! the pleasure of being able to sit up and read in bed.

deb goes to bed in the real bed. a couple of hours later I wake up -- and find that  I am trapped in the hospital bed... 

I manage to scramble over the rails, chlamber out of that bed

next day deb tells me which button i should have pushed to escape. quite simple, really.

I return to our real bed. the hospital bed has been unused since.

next, the SC expert decides that our real bed is too low. it needs a rail. deb rushes out and buys a bed rail.

it's very stable, held firm under the mattress.

let's call this the short rail.

at night I always park my walking frame next to the head end of our bed. to find the frame I just wave my arm and there it is. once I have the frame I grip the handles, get out of bed and am good to go.

to find the short rail, the simplest method is to find the frame them search back towards the bed,

of course once I have the frame, I don't need the rail. but it is still there.

tonight I park the walking frame in its usual place.

get up to go to the toilet

... and find that the frame is caught up on the short rail.

to get free I have to wake Deb and get her to turn on a light. free at last...

go to the toilet.  park the frame, get back into bed.

a couple of hours later I repeat the process

... including having to wake Deb so that ican free the walker from the bed.post.

quite funny :-)

until a few hours later when I have to wake Deb for the third time :-(

that bed post will be gone tomorrow.

is our bed too high or too low?

forget the supposed experts.

I'm going to sleep in a bed that let's me get in and out.

http://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com
dying for you to read it :-)
...ranting  http://my3rs.blogspot.com

brain fading, typing blind
if this email is nonsense, pls guess or ask
ndependent Consulting dexitroboper



   

deffect defect

I've had cancer for years and, as far as I remember, the worst effects have been due to treatment.

I've had a "common cold" for a week and I feel absolutely rotten. 

something seriously wrong with the balance of immediate symptoms and long term effects. 

Just as well, I guess :-)

http://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com
dying for you to read it :-)
...ranting  http://my3rs.blogspot.com

brain fading, typing blind
if this email is nonsense, pls guess or ask
ndependent Consulting dexitroboper



   

pessimistic

I did use the word, and I am... pessimistic.

I recognise that the end is, indeed, nigh.

but when? we have no idea.

days? weeks? months?

Deb and I live life with no idea when it will end.

... just like everyone else, in fact!

today I'm  gloomy

... that's because I'm tired,  that's all. 

time to get back to bed,  see if I'm ready to sleep

http://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com
dying for you to read it :-)
...ranting  http://my3rs.blogspot.com

brain fading, typing blind
if this email is nonsense, pls guess or ask
ndependent Consulting dexitroboper



   

Wed am

I wake up feeling quite rotten. nothing specific...

tired, not hungry, not even thirsty. very tired.

mostly: just a short walk is exhausting.

I could say that I am weak and tired... a sign that the end is nigh... but that would be pessimistic...

Wed pm

...  sleeping is no help -- I still feel bad... tho not quite rotten :-)

deb is out all afternoon, I sleep.

Wed night.

lying in bed, I seem to have asthma. can't  get a good breath. I toss and turn.

give up trying to sleep

http://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com
dying for you to read it :-)
...ranting  http://my3rs.blogspot.com

brain fading, typing blind
if this email is nonsense, pls guess or ask
ndependent Consulting dexitroboper



   

no significant change

the last brain scan shows that the tumour continues to grow... the chemo  may have slowed it but not so we can tell. 

This is as expected: two available drugs, neither has much chance of doing anything useful.

So my choice now is, drug free... just wait and see.

So far -- as predicted -- the tumour makes me slow and tired.

I can walk say 100m, no worries. Especially when the 100m is with Deb, and leads to coffee and cake :-)

But the "tired" makes it very difficult to get started. I spend a lot of each day resting, dozing, sleeping.

it's annoying to be awake in the middle of the night and be too tired to write, or even read.

this morning, for example, I slept for an hour before I could be bothered starting this post.

on the other hand: being tired is pretty trivial.

sometimes I have a quick flash of a thought, a few months and I won't be alive to even think of doing... whatever it is.

Funny, though

... I usually think in terms of, Deb won't do this without me. I've had a good life -- specially with Deb. There's nothing left in any "bucket list". except, perhaps... more of the same :-)

http://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com
dying for you to read it :-)
...ranting  http://my3rs.blogspot.com

brain fading, typing blind
if this email is nonsense, pls guess or ask
ndependent Consulting dexitroboper