coping

I claim to be coping, or accepting, or possibly denying problems due to imminent death by cancer. 

coping strategies involve both laughing and swearing. 

I notice a trail of dried spilt breakfast stuck on my shirt. 

I laugh. 

another cup of tea gets cold because I lack the energy to

sit forward to pick it up to drink. I drink it cold and laugh. or try but fail to sit up and swear. 

I put something down then laugh or swear when I can't see it again. 

lots of research finds that swearing is an effective aid to concentration. 

deb does not like my swearing. 

I ask her what else I could do to indicate that I am making an effort to cope.

perhaps I could mutter,  iI'm feeling unsteady but it's okay, I'll just grip this wall a bit firmer..... or smile and pretend I don't care. 

hours later I wake up and realise that I will laugh... or swear... depending on how I feel at the time. 

Because I never lie.

not just this blog, which is as honest and complete as I can make it. 

but in life.  I cannot lie. 

not that I do not.  I can not.

I can misdirect with carefully poor phrasing.But I cannot deliberately lie.

when I swear it is because wearing is my honest reaction. anything else would be a lie. 

so... there will be swearing. 

If all else fails -- get a bigger hammer


===

http://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com
dying for you to read it :-)

===

Dr Nick Lethbridge
Consulting Dexitroboper

   

silver chain

free silver chain service will expire in a few weeks. 

a pity.  the nurse is good value. 

she looks in my mouth.  says, yes there are ulcers

... too shall for me to see them :-(

she adds that there are less than last time she looked.  good to know, the salt rinse must be doing something. 

unfortunately the free walking frame will also go.  we'll need to rent one before then. easy enough. 

without the frame i'm effectively stuck in the house. 

in bed, actually

... without the frame for balance I can only roll or fall out of bed can barely stand up from a couch. 

I can still, carefully, get up and down the steps to the kitchen. 

with no trolley I takes me all day to walk, stagger, across the flat floor to the steps. 

okay, I can walk.  but so very slowly.  and only if there are walls to follow, carefully tapping

oh well.  I have the frame for a couple more weeks.  so no worries... yet :-)

If all else fails -- get a bigger hammer


===

http://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com
dying for you to read it :-)

===

Dr Nick Lethbridge
Consulting Dexitroboper

   

miserable news

I watch and read the evening  ABC news

Pick up The West in the morning, glance at the front page to see if there's anything new. 

not today. 

teenager drowning at Lake Leschenaultia is the headline and still miserable. 

a beautiful, familiar, calm lake. a kid having fun.  doing what a kid should do. 

it'll be many years before I can hear to go near that lake again. too horrible:-(

If all else fails -- get a bigger hammer


===

http://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com
dying for you to read it :-)

===

Dr Nick Lethbridge
Consulting Dexitroboper

   

understand my body

okay, I give up. no more trying to understand the way my body works...

no extra water last night -- and no cramps. 

regular salt water mouth rinse. no noticeable fix. 

walk, no walk

tired legs anyway. 

I'll read books and enjoy myself. 

no more analysis. 

I'll just... sleep on it:-(

If all else fails -- get a bigger hammer


===

http://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com
dying for you to read it :-)

===

Dr Nick Lethbridge
Consulting Dexitroboper

   

Deb philosophical

Discussing what we need in life.

Deb says that she just wants to keep our family happy. She could do that :-)

My abilities are more limited.

I'll try to not make Deb too unhappy.

Dr Nick Lethbridge / Independent Dexitroboper

you cannot back into the future

===

..: notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com

psychologist bullshit

this post is really about me as a collapsed narcissist: 

as a narcissist, I know things.

it annoys me when people refuse to listen. 

today, for the umpteenth time, someone suggests that I could talk to a really nice psychologist that they know. 

to which I reply, mostly politely,  so why the fuck would I do that. 

the psychologist would help me deal with my issues.  really? 

so what the fuck have I been doing-- by myself -- for the last several years. "deal with" as in "cope" -- a word which I use very often. 

first,  I have clearly stated, to deb and in this blog, that I could tick all the boxes for clinical depression. it started before cancer -- it started when I stopped working. 

I like to do things that people want me to do, employment provides that. 

now I have an app which I need to "sell" not something I can do. 

will  this nice psychologist get me employed.  or finish app development and selling. No? well what would be the fucking point. 

deal with issues? without solving any of the issues? fucking waste of time. 

I don't need a psychologist to talk me through something which I have been doing -- by myself -- for years. 

ie going from depression to coping... dealing with. 

in a full definition of narcissist, I know things-- and I want people to believe that I know things..

in this case I know how a psychologist would talk me from depression to coping.

in fact I've already done it.

but no one gives a shit about what I know and what I can and have already done. 

did anyone even notice that I am already "coping"?

being ignored... my knowing things and my knowledge being ignored... makes me fucking angry. 

and that is the "collapsing" that goes with my narcissism. 

If all else fails -- get a bigger hammer


===

http://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com
dying for you to read it :-)

===

Dr Nick Lethbridge
Consulting Dexitroboper

   

attitude not changing

I see my cancer,  its ups and downs, as something that happens, can't be changed,  so... I just put up with it. 

my attitude is either acceptance or... denial.  I'm never sure which. 

very "mindful" philosophy. but boring. 

I consider changing my attitude, but to what? 

I consider,  mild annoyance. 

as in,  I can't tie my shoelaces, that's mildly annoying. 

deb takes this -- mistakes this-- very personally. 

if I am annoyed, deb will be annoyed. 

she bans me from any level of annoyance. 

so my attitude will stay at boring acceptance. 

If all else fails -- get a bigger hammer


===

http://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com
dying for you to read it :-)

===

Dr Nick Lethbridge
Consulting Dexitroboper