Tuesday, September 17, 2019

June 5: late post

Relative Stress
[This post was sent to the wrong blog! Having just realised that... here it is in the correct blog. Just read it as though it was posted on 5th June 2019...]
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So I've been stressing about this week's scans. Or, rather, stressing about the results, which I won't know for another week.

A few days ago we have a family panic... the possibility of bad news. For a few hours I'm wondering, Is this serious? For a few hours I can understand why a crisis could drive people to religion.

But not to worry! All is settled and found to be, no worries. Phew!

And in related news, I gain a better perspective. What am I worried about ?! I'm far too focussed on my own problems. Forget it!

And since then... really, I'm not stressed about my scans. Okay, a bit worried but not stressed. Scan results? I'll find out, eventually. Bad results? I'll deal with them -- if and when. The stress may return. But not yet. For now, for me, no worries :-)

Problems are relative. My problems are... relatively minor. From my new perspective. Feeling good.





Dr Nick Lethbridge / Consulting Dexitroboper
...        Agamedes Consulting / Problems ? Solved
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So-cratz: "The only true wisdom consists in knowing that you know nothing". Ted: "That's us, dude."

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Dying for you to read my blog, at https://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com.au/ :-)



Sunday, September 15, 2019

all clear !

Latest scan results: all clear ! again :-)

I'm sure there's a longer story to support that... perhaps later. For now, just : phew :-)



Dr Nick Lethbridge / Consulting Dexitroboper
...        Agamedes Consulting / Problems ? Solved
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So-cratz: "The only true wisdom consists in knowing that you know nothing". Ted: "That's us, dude."

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Dying for you to read my blog, at https://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com.au/ :-)



Wednesday, September 11, 2019

alternatively...

Of course there's a problem with staying up late so that I don't have the energy to worry: when I'm tired I can be tired and grumpy and miserable. One good night's sleep -- or, perhaps, just the benefits of having blogged my feelings -- and I'm now feeling fine.

Okay, I've had inside information: the results of the PET scan look good. So that's good news. On the other hand, it's the MRI that scans for the terminal brain cancer, and that's still -- for me -- an unknown. So that's potential stress.

But I'm not particularly stressed. Worried, yes. Stressed, no. It's just another scan, another three months since the last. I'll soon have the results. And then I won't have to worry... At least, not till I start treatment (worst case) or not for another three months.

This may help my mood: today we look after our grandson. By which I mean, Deb looks after him. I do some looking after. I also sleep, while they carry on around me. Another good day :-)

Heh. So far, so good :-)



Dr Nick Lethbridge / Consulting Dexitroboper
...        Agamedes Consulting / Problems ? Solved
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So-cratz: "The only true wisdom consists in knowing that you know nothing". Ted: "That's us, dude."

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Dying for you to read my blog, at https://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com.au/ :-)



Tuesday, September 10, 2019

post scans pre results

Monday I have a PET scan. Tuesday I have an MRI scan. I won't know the results till the end of the week. This -- waiting on scans then waiting on results -- is always a tense time.

This time, I almost take it in my stride. Que sera sera and all that. The worry -- when it hits me -- is quite mild. Mostly, I worry about what Deb will do when I'm dead. I also worry about how Deb will feel when I'm finally dying. Gloomy, eh.

I cope, by not sleeping much. I stay up late, reading or playing WoW. It keeps my mind occupied... or, too tired to worry. I also chase EV policy-makers and a couple of other ideas which will not get very far. But which are worth chasing.

Tonight. Still a few days till I get results. I'm worried about Deb, I know that she worries. I also realise that I am afraid. For myself. Afraid of dying.

Oh well. Can't be helped. End of the week I'll stop worrying. One way or the other. Que sera sera, eh.




Dr Nick Lethbridge / Consulting Dexitroboper
...        Agamedes Consulting / Problems ? Solved
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"Why be difficult? Be impossible." … Ginger Meggs

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Dying for you to read my blog, at https://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com.au/ :-)



Tuesday, September 3, 2019

after the holiday

Time to get back to, how's life going... Holiday is over, this post restarts the "I have cancer" theme. Though there may be holiday references if they seem interesting :-)

First: I am well. Fit (enough) and healthy (as far as I can tell). Next week will be two more scans, PET and MRI, they will tell me how well I really am. Meanwhile, I'm feeling fine.

Starting at the top: my hair is growing back, slowly. There should be a photo, possibly at the end of this post. The usual back of my head photo. Hair is grey but growing. Still very thin to one side, that's where my head was treated with x-rays. Still very thin on top, probably. It's not visible on the photo but I've been losing hair round the crown for many years.

Inside the top: I do feel the first faint twinges of pre-scan worry. Well, post-scan worry: the scans come with unpleasant IVs but are otherwise no worries. It's the thought of the post-scan -- the results -- which causes stress. I can feel it coming on :-)

Taste buds seem to have settled down. For a while -- during and after chemo -- a lot of food tasted funny. Now I'm back to my normal diet (eat what I like) and it all tastes, well, normal.

Digestion, ditto: very little upsets my digestion.

A bit further down and -- yes, it's more poo-analysis :-)  It's good but not as good as it was. I would poo daily with occasional missed days. Now I poo daily and sometimes twice a day. So, slightly more often.

What comes through is softer. On the Bristol Stool scale I was usually "type 3", A normal sausage shape with cracks on the surface. Now I poo type 4, still normal, a smooth soft sausage. With occasional type 5, lacking fibre. So, different but mostly "normal". Good :-)

Down to my feet... No, not poo on my feet, this is the next part of, how I am: The nerves on my feet, particularly the soles, are still, odd. Hard to describe but definitely not as they should be.

I would no longer say that my soles "tingle". Sometimes it's more than a tingle, it's a very definite -- but very mild -- pain. Or over-sensitivity. But not spread evenly. When I put on shoes it feels as though I am standing on rough ground, as though some bits of ground are poking into different bits of the soles of my feet. Of course sometimes I really am standing (or running) on rough ground.

Are my soles numb? I'm not sure... numb on the surface yet sensitive further down, perhaps. This is more obvious on my hands (see later).

When I start walking (or running) I barely notice the funny feeling. When I stop -- there's a noticeable feeling which is, now, closer to tingling. Till it fades.

For a while, my balance was dodgy. Specifically: if I closed my eyes I felt as though I could fall over. I blame it on loss of proprioception, which I blame on the soles of my feet. The feeling of my soles on the ground was... different, my mind would not trust it. Without being able to trust the feeling in my feet, my mind could not be sure of which way was up. So -- with my eyes closed -- I felt uncertain of my balance.

And now I notice that I feel fine -- well balanced (in body, not necessarily in mind :-) -- even with my eyes closed. The soles of my feet feel about the same. Perhaps my mind is learning the new feelings of reality. Or... the cause is something else entirely.

Also, my feet would itch. Madly. When I went to bed or -- in some other way -- suddenly warmed my feet. The tops of the toes on one foot would itch! For a few minutes. No, not chilblains, I had the excellent GP look at my feet, nothing visibly wrong. (Except a touch of possible athletes' foot.)

So I blame itchy foot on damaged nerve endings in the feet. Same cause, different symptoms.

Now that itching has, mostly, stopped... Only to shift to a small area of my scrotum. Again, intense itching for a few minutes after getting into a warm bed. Not that I'm complaining, it's a good excuse to have a good and enjoyable scratch at my ball.

Finally, my hands: Much the same as my feet, a change of sensitivity. No tingling but extra, below the surface, sensitivity. If I use my fingertips to open a bottle -- it can hurt. At the same time, the surface has lost sensitivity. The pages of books feel very smooth, though Deb tells me they are not.

And that, I think, is all. A few very minor complaints, barely worth the effort of complaining. I must have said it before: the symptoms of my cancer are trivial, it's the treatment -- especially chemo -- that knocks me around.

Life goes on, life is good. And next week I get scanned... and I find out if I am as well as I feel :-)
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Foot (or head) note: Okay, I posted this post. The photo is at the top. And I see that the x-ray balding to the side is merged with the old-age balding at the top. Just as well I can't see that part of my head, it might worry me :-)





====    Dr Nick Lethbridge  /  Consulting Dexitroboper
             Agamedes Consulting / Problems? Solved.
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"I would like to think it's possible to construct a society where our orders don't involve slaughtering our own people." ...Gen. Khiruev via Yoon Ha Lee

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dying for you to read my blog: notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com.au :-)
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