This morning as I'm shaving I realise something: over the last few months, my attitude has changed. My attitude to life, the Universe and everything. For one thing, I'm shaving...
Deb prefers the smooth, sophisticated look. She can barely keep her hands off me when I'm freshly shaved. I prefer the rugged, manly look of a man who is too lazy (more politely, too tired) to shave more than once or twice a week. For the last couple of years, shaving has been irregular, only done when spiders and flies start to fight in the bristles.
This morning I am shaving and am struck by a revelation: I am shaving more often -- just to look a bit neater.
What else has changed?
For months I can look at the garden with pleasure -- but be glad that Deb does all the gardening. This last month, I have looked at the garden -- and I want to help. I even go so far as to prune the odd branch and put some garden stuff in the bin. And enjoy it!
I am planning a holiday for March next year -- nothing unusual there -- but I am also adding active items to the itinerary. I'm no longer feeling, can't be bothered, one walk is all I can handle... I'm actually looking forward to an extra 21km walk in the Whakewhatever Forest of NZ. I have enthusiasm -- and a willingness to think that I can walk that far. With Deb to encourage me, of course :-)
I'm even starting to wonder what to do, where to go, after that holiday. After all, our current planning horizon now reaches to December 2022. It seems to me that our horizon is opportunity rather than optimism.
Is this a problem?
I do worry: I want reality and acceptance rather than false optimism. I don't want to be absolutely let down -- shattered -- if my next scan results are, Bad news, you'll be dead in a month. I aim for cautious optimism balanced by acceptance of... whatever happens. Have I slipped into false, blind optimism?
Every so often I remind myself, the next news could be bad. Balanced by the obvious truth that the news, so far, is good. I think I have the right -- for me -- balance. But today I realise, my attitude to "acceptance" has shifted. In a good direction. It feels more real.
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Why?
Physically, I'm feeling well, improving. That's a direct result of not having any current treatment. Physical health then improves mental health.
Deb & I are into a regular running training regime. We're still slower and less fit than we were (even allowing for age). Now I feel that I am getting fitter -- and that I can continue to get fitter. It's a good -- positive -- feeling.
I'm making solid progress writing a phone app. Feeling fitter -- and more awake -- allows me to focus on the work. Success with the app feeds back to make me feel mentally better.
Other projects have reached the usual stage of, What -- or who -- next? Which is discouraging. On the other hand -- I now feel ready to take further steps. When I know what those steps could be. My current attitude is less discouragement, more acceptance that these things are -- currently -- on the back burner.
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I have no feelings of, Must do "this" before I die. Except for the app, which I really do want to finish. Mostly because I believe that finishing it could be possible. Even there, my attitude is definitely, If I can rather than, Disappointed if I don't finish. Of course I've already done all sorts of things which please me :-) I certainly don't have a bucket list.
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And now for some random ramblings:
For a while I documented my dreams. I'm still dreaming but (a) they don't seem particularly relevant to cancer. And (b) I quickly forget them. That's the penalty of falling back to sleep so easily. Although (c) a couple of my remembered dreams are satisfying. No, not like that. I mean, like the dream where I was hit by water bombs -- so I took a big stick and laid into the water bomb throwers.
One key aim of my life does appear to be doomed to failure. I did plan to live to a ripe old age. Not to worry, I believe that I have managed the ripe part.
As a teenager I read a book where a minor character had permanent wrinkles caused by constant happy smiling. I thought at the time, I'll aim for that sort of face. Not sure how successful I've been but at least I have the wrinkles.
I'm writing an email when suddenly -- from some random corner of my mind -- I remember a quote: The undiscovered country from whose bourn, No traveler returns(*)... So I have my fare paid and my visa stamped. All I need is an itinerary and date of departure. It means nothing but I do like the almost-relevant quote :-)
(*) Okay, I remember the gist of the quote and find the correct words via google. It's from Hamlet's soliloquy. In fact I remember Mark Twain's version from Huckleberry Finn... It finishes with, Ope not thy ponderous and marble jaws, but get thee to a nunnery -- go! Both memorable and very confused.
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That phone app? I know that there are several essential areas of coding where I am completely ignorant. I'm coding a working app but not a *fully* working app. That's good enough to keep me satisfied. For now.
And now... back to that app. To take it to the limits of my knowledge. Then to see how far I can take it beyond that.
Dr Nick Lethbridge / Consulting Dexitroboper
... Agamedes Consulting / Problems ? Solved
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"Books suffer wear and tear, just the same as hip joints, cars and reputations." … Thursday Next per Jasper Fforde
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Love NZ.
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