scanned and waiting

Friday afternoon:

I'm early to the scanning company so I sit in the car for a bit. Parking on the road so I buy a parking ticket. Later I find that there is a patient parking area round the back. Oh well... next time...

This crowd have free & convenient parking. (Well, I hope it's free.) They are in an office off the main road rather than inside a hospital. They don't ask for a pre-scan blood test for kidney function -- unless I know I have damaged kidneys. They do a relatively quick injection of "contrast" rather than leaving me with a cannula in my arm for the entire scan. All good :-)

Time passes... I leave the car and go into the waiting room. Very peaceful, just three of us patients. There are more staff than visible patients. The joys of coronavirus!

I sit down, fill in the usual forms. As I look out the window -- rain pelts down. I'm still a bit early but it's just as well I'm already inside :-)

Into the MRI room. After a visit to the toilet, of course. As I step into the MRI room the tech says, Mind the slope. There's a slight slope up to the door. On the way out I ask, Why a slope?

It seems that the room was originally just, a room. When the MRI machine was added they also added a layer of... lead? ... to the floor. Either that, or the MRI would have tried to rip the reinforcement metal from the concrete floor. Aha!

My head is fixed in place, immobile. I slide into the "tunnel" and the scan begins. The scan is as noisy as ever.

On the way out I ask if the scan will be analysed that afternoon. If it is, I can get the results today. No, not today, the specialist in brain scans is not in today. So, I'll wait over the long weekend. But see later.

After the scan I drive into the city to pick up Deb. It's a bit early so, I decide, I will buy a cup of coffee on the way... Ha! as if!

I don't want to go all over town but I know of several cafes on the way. And they are all closed. Not for coronavirus, just closed for the afternoon. Bummer.

Friday night:

It's not the cancer doc who would have given me early access to the scan results, it's "an unnamed informant". No analysis, so no early access.

But... later: My informant can look at the pictures. He comments, "So take this with the world's most massive grain of salt, but comparing today's images to last time things look pretty similar. I take no responsibility if I'm wrong, though!"

That's good enough for a more relaxing weekend :-)

Next week: the truth... Well, the official and more experienced analysis, anyway. If all else fails, this latest reveal will be with the cancer doc, Thursday.

Till then at least, all good :-)

Dr Nick Lethbridge / Consulting Dexitroboper

...        Agamedes Consulting / Problems ? Solved

===
"No sense being pessimistic. It wouldn't work anyway." … per Ginger Meggs
===

Dying for you to read my blog, at https: // notdotdeaddotyet .blogspot. com. au/ :-)

just a bit restless

I'm a bit restless. Doing this and that, mostly to take my mind off this afternoon's scan. Well, no, not the scan... To take my mind off the *results* of the scan. Nowadays, I barely flinch at the thought of the scan -- the machine is fun though I still don't like the cannula.

Yesterday we were shopping. I get a sudden pain in the ball of my foot, as though I'm treading on a cut. The soles of my feet are still numb. Sometimes my feet itch. Sometimes they sting.

If I have my docs right: The cancer doc says, it can take months for the nerve damage to fade. The GP doc says, Umm, well... in a way that clearly means, it will never fade.

This is the first time that walking has hurt. I hobble round, getting as much sympathy as possible from Deb. When I get home I find a small thorn in my sock... Oh well, one problem solved :-)

===

I'm not sure if Deb knows that my scan is on Friday. I'm avoiding the topic -- don't think about it & I won't worry about it :-) Perhaps Deb is working on the same principal?

It comes up in conversation. No, Deb thought that my scan would be next week. Surprise! The timing looks good: I should be scanned and out on time to pick up Deb from work.

===

This morning I'm restless. Not so much worried. More occupying myself so that I will not worry.

I work on my app. A major step forward last night, undoing it all this morning. Progressing -- but not last night.

I'll wear track pants for the scan -- the MRI doesn't like metal, there's no metal in the track pants. I do a load of washing.  May as well wear clean track pants for my rare visits to the outside world :-)

I eat lunch. The daily crossword is too easy. It's early but I may as well check for letters. There's a crack of thunder, drenching rain. Maybe I won't check for letters.

I don't want to do more coding or reading, either activity is too addictive, I'd be rushed when I leave. I have a shower. Write this post. Still restless.

I may as well leave early. Spend time finding somewhere to park. Sit in their reception area (testing the hand sanitiser).

Time to... get ready... to go.

Dr Nick Lethbridge / Consulting Dexitroboper

...        Agamedes Consulting / Problems ? Solved

===
"No sense being pessimistic. It wouldn't work anyway." … per Ginger Meggs
===

Dying for you to read my blog, at https: // notdotdeaddotyet .blogspot. com. au/ :-)

nervous? Yes.

Yes, I'm nervous. My next scan is on Friday, I'll know the results within a week. So, as usual, I have pre-scan nerves.

And, as usual, I deal with it by not thinking about it. Or thinking about the scan -- the results -- as, if it happens, it happens. Fatalism? Sounds negative. Que sera, sera? (Interesting... I finally checked the spelling... Apparently it's bad grammar in several languages.) No, too light. So I'm back to the current vogue word, mindfulness.

Live in the present. No regrets for the past, no worry over the future... Concern, maybe. Plan ahead, yes. Worry... doesn't help.

"I'll know the results within a week." I already know when the doc will tell me the results, that's too definite. I prefer the fuzzy timing so there is no focus on the day of doooommm. Anyway, even if it's more good news -- there will be another scan in another three months, so why worry about this one in particular.

===

One of my early cancerous thoughts was, I'm going to be one of those lean & hungry cancer patients. Slim and elegant (or gaunt) with a well-practiced look of brave resignation. Instead, I gained 10kg. Well, I've finally lost some of it.

I have -- consistently, still holding over a week -- lost 2kg. Another 10kg down and I will be at my target weight for running. Having set that target weight I spent five years failing to achieve it. So... it's still a good target :-)

===

A mental distraction is also good. Reading, playing WoW... and now programming a phone app.

I seem to spend six to ten hours each day, attempting to code. The logic is relatively simple, it's the language that is the problem. For example, I spend two hours looking for the reason for my app just... stopping. then I find the curly bracket } which has shifted down one line. Move it back, all works again.

The language comes with a lot of debugging help, none of which I understand. So I change a single line, add a line which shows data values, run the code. The data display pops up... and disappears. I hit Print Screen before it goes, paste into Paint and see what happened. Then, as they say... rinse & repeat. Again and again and again.

===

Of course this blog is another way of achieving the nirvana of mindlessness. I mean, mindfulness.

Though I feel the need to code... must do some more... It's aggravating. But fun :-)

Dr Nick Lethbridge / Consulting Dexitroboper

...        Agamedes Consulting / Problems ? Solved

===
"No sense being pessimistic. It wouldn't work anyway." … per Ginger Meggs
===

Dying for you to read my blog, at https: // notdotdeaddotyet .blogspot. com. au/ :-)

picture this

NB: This post is about three scans in Jan & Feb -- several months ago... It's taken me a long time to write about them. As for "now" -- I'm between scans therefore healthy :-) ... at least till the end of this month.
===

So, a picture is worth a thousand words? My own pictures seem to generate a thousand words of their own. Mostly incomprehensible words.

My last three scans generated a lot of excitement. What I mean is, worry. A new shadow on the brain, is it a new tumour? No it's not... Phew.

At the meeting with the cancer doc -- having found out that I am all clear -- I pick up a copy of the three scan reports. It's about time that I blog the actual results.

Scan one, MRI of brain:

Key points:

... "Increased signal intensity in the white matter of the right posterior temporal occipital lobe." I think that means, there are bad signs on the right of the brain.

... "Opinion: There is an increase in the white matter change... A cap of contrast enhancement... well away from the tumour resection zone consistent with tumour recurrence."

Which may mean that there is a potential new tumour but it's not where a new tumour is expected.

So, not a probability but a possibility. Enough to cause worry. Enough to get me lined up for another scan.

===

Scan two, just days later, PET of whole body:

Key points:

... "Head & Neck: There is only mild prominence of activity in the new enhancing lesion on MRI in the trigone of the right lateral ventricle." Which may mean that if it's a tumour it's not much of a tumour.

... "There is relatively reduced brain activity elsewhere..." Tough but fair "... associated with vasogenic oedema on MRI." Oh, I see, the reduced activity means less sign of an active new tumour.

... "Musculoskeletal: ... There is now less prominent degenerative activity around the left shoulder." My previous PET scan showed shoulder damage. I blamed RSI / OOS so changed my PC work posture. This PET shows that my changes worked. Amazing!

... "Interpretation: ... There is mildly increased FDG activity at the site of the likely tumour recurrence..." Which must relate to the "only mild prominence of activity" in the head & neck. I guess.

===

Scan three: MRI of brain, one month later

Key points:

... "Clinical history: Right Parietal GBM radiotherapy 2007."  Well, 2017 actually. I'm sure that doesn't affect the conclusion.

... "The transverse dimension is identical ... with the previous imaging... No remote gliomatosis is identified." Nothing changed, nothing new. That's good news.

... "Conclusion: ... is thought to be related to treatment related phenomenon rather than progressive viable tumour." So there's the good news, damaged by the treatment :-)

===

There's a heap of medical jargon... some of it makes sense... knowing already what it means. Luckily the general thrust of it is interpreted for me.

===

Having held those pages for a couple of months I think it's time to file them with the other cancer-related paperwork. Except... I have already thrown out all earlier paperwork.

I know what cancers I have. I follow doctor's "suggestions". There's no need to read and understand all the fine medical details. Anyway, it can be depressing :-) And the doc holds all the originals. Let her be depressed...

The bulk of the paperwork was bills. Which are even less interesting than medical analyses. I did once add up the cost -- but it was paid, after that it is irrelevant.

I've finally "dealt with" these scan analyses. Interesting, yes. Worth keeping? no. Time to finally file them... out of sight, out of mind. Not immediately but later, in the bin.

Dr Nick Lethbridge / Consulting Dexitroboper

...        Agamedes Consulting / Problems ? Solved

===
"No sense being pessimistic. It wouldn't work anyway." … per Ginger Meggs
===

Dying for you to read my blog, at https: // notdotdeaddotyet .blogspot. com. au/ :-)

dreams & uncertainty

==> dreaming

I dream a lot. Or, more accurately, I wake up every few hours and remember that I have woken up from a dream. Sometimes I remember dreaming but not the dream. Sometimes I remember the dream topic but not the details.

I have a couple of dreams where I'm doing something which is a real life version of coding in Kotlin... more on coding, later.

In one dream Deb is leaving me. One of our kids explains, it's because I have not given her everything that I should. I agree. When I wake up I'm sad because I accept that I have not given Deb everything that I should. I soon cheer up because Deb shows no sign of leaving :-)

In another dream we are orienteering and Deb is lost. I worry.

In real life, I always worry that Deb may be lost, though she never is, not for long. If she's late back from a run I worry. Or, I tell myself not to worry. More recently, it's Deb's turn to worry. If I'm late back from a run, perhaps I'm collapsed somewhere. Again. So far, however, so good :-)

==> Kotlin coding

I'm battling to cross the latest hurdle of the Kotlin language. How to use "recyclerview". After weeks' of effort my major achievement is that I seem to understand what the function should do... and why it is called recyclerview.

For me, what it actually does... is limited.

On the one hand I have five items of data. On the other hand I have five spaces on the screen. I also have two pieces of code: one knows all about the data, the other knows where the data could fit on the screen.

Only trouble is, the two bits of code do not work together. I can either work with the data *or* work with the screen display. I'm constrained by Kotlin's Uncertainty Principle: I can know the value of the data *or* I can know its position. But I can't know both.
===

Oh well. Back to reading online manuals and examples. Just a few of which work but are incomplete. And most of which are incomplete, don't work... and use functions which are no longer available in the language.

Nick Lethbridge / Agamedes Consulting
   ===
"Metaphors be with you" … Ginger Meggs

thoughts

==> cancer

Deb and I run, following a training plan. Deb runs to keep fit, keeping fit is better than not. Why do I run? What's the point?

First, I enjoy running. Well, most days. Second, I believe that being somewhat fit helped me to bounce back from surgery. In the expectation of further surgery -- it's worthwhile being fit. Not that I am particularly fit, even compared to myself of several years ago.

Being fit may have helped me bounce back from drugs. It was a pretty low bounce.

Third, of course... I'm in training for the cradle mountain run. It was an impossible goal several years back. It's no less likely now.

See that line at the top? For those who wonder, How is my current attitude to my disease of the week? that's the relevant bit. If that's all you want... read no more. I'm about to ramble.

==> coronavirus

Deb and I go running in various parks and suburbs. The effects of coronavirus on parks, is interesting.

Carparks are crowded. More people than usual -- specially on weekdays -- are driving to a park so that they can go for a walk. Or a cycle.

Park walks are crowded with walkers. And cyclists. Especially families. Just the same number of joggers though. Lawns and picnic areas are empty -- until today. Today restrictions are loosened. There are more people having a picnic.

In Kings Park, Deb and I park where several foot tracks are conveniently close. With twenty parking spaces we expect three quarters to be empty. Further down the road is a cafe, very few parking spaces there.

Thanks to coronavirus there are more people in the park for a walk, less for coffee. Our favourite parking area is far more crowded. Thanks to takeaway coffee the cafe parking is as crowded as ever. Even when the lawns are empty of picnickers.
===

Children's playgrounds are closed. We pass empty playgrounds. No sounds of children shouting as they play. It's a sad sound of silence.
===

At the end of a run -- cooling down -- we pick up rubbish. Only at Bold Park, our "home" park for running. We like to look after our home park -- and there are plenty of rubbish bins near where we park. It's a pleasant park but, at night, it's popular with druggies and others who drop takeaway wrappers and home made bongs.

We are a bit careful of what we pick up. No used tissues, for example.

In these days of coronavirus... we pick up nothing.

Nick Lethbridge / Agamedes Consulting
   ===
"Metaphors be with you" … Ginger Meggs