Emotional baggage

A couple of... emotions... to cover.

Not sure where I'll get :-)

So...

This morning I'm outside, to bring in the paper.

I'm feeling as fine, and mild, as the weather.

Except for an odd thought:

Here I am, feeling fine.

Inside my brain is a cancer. A cancer which is placed, and active, to kill me.

It's a strange thought.

Really, I'm not sure how I feel about it. Just... odd :-)

In general:

I have spent seven years with terminal cancer.

Constantly aware that it will, eventually, kill me. (Unless a bus gets me first:-)

Except, the brain and cancer being very complex, no-one can predict how it will start.

Headaches? Another collapse? Lose more vision? Some other form of crazy?

Seven years of feeling fine but watching and waiting for... symptoms. Symptoms that the tumour is, once again, active.

Now we know that the tumour is, definitely active.

Being slowed by beelzebub but well-established.

Expected symptoms of impending death are very narrow: increasing exhaustion, growing paralysis.

Nothing unexpected is expected, ha :-)

So how do I feel about that?

Definitely nervous.

Wondering, am I tired from lack of sleep or... something more serious.

One ... improvement... is very clear.

Waiting on unpredictable symptoms added a lot of stress to my life. I don't think I realised just how much stress.

But now I can feel it. Very clearly:  a huge area of stress is just... gone!

I can feel it clearly: worried, yes. But far less emotional stress.

And that is something to be glad about :-)

half blind. half deaf. dying of cancer.
so what?
notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com :-)

Dr Nick Lethbridge
Consulting Dexitroboper