Statistically, 50% of people with my cancer die within 12 months. I've survived several months more than that. Woohoo :-) Yet there are some disadvantages to beating the odds on mortality.
First, it's a bit embarrassing to keep on living and living and living... I'm glad to do it but I do feel the need to say to people, Yes, I'm still terminal, just not yet.
More seriously: any bodily weakness can be interpreted -- hopefully misinterpreted -- as cancer coming back.
Oh, and I no longer write everything with no fear of living long enough to be embarrassed. Dirty pants, for example, are now more than a passing (lol) joke. It's a few weeks back that I dirtied my pants, it's taken a while to be sure that it is fit to be documented.
I'm pulling on my shorts and I notice... a dirty brown stain over the crotch seam. Uh oh. I take off the dirty shorts (I still have some notions of cleanliness) and check this suspicious stain.
Funny, the shorts are stained both inside and out. I check the wash-basket, yesterday's underpants are not stained. Phew! It appears that the stain did not come out of my backside, it could not have bypassed underpants just to stain the pants.
I must have sat on something. Something damp enough to stain inside and out but not so damp that it spread into the underpants. Just ordinary everyday dirt, that's a relief. But see how the sick mind works:
I know that my gut is now unsettled. Undependable. Overactive. When I see a suspicious stain my first thought is, Have I lost control without even noticing? I need to think it through logically before I can reassure myself that this stain is just ordinary -- environmental -- dirt. I still check my shorts before I put them on... just in case.
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Years ago I started getting dizzy spells. Two types of dizzy, in fact: standard low blood pressure don't-stand-up-suddenly dizzy and a total bouncing-off-walls lack of balance. The first, I've had for years, I still believe it's from lying still for hours -- reading -- then standing too quickly. Takes a while for the blood to start moving again.
The loss of balance, I blamed on too much staring at a screen playing World of Warcraft. My inner ear settles down, can't get moving fast enough when I need to balance. Being sick -- playing far less WoW -- that dizziness disappeared. A benefit :-)
Now that dizziness is back. Yes, I've been playing WoW again. Yet I can't help thinking, Was that dizziness really a symptom of a growing brain tumour? Is the tumour growing back? Negative thinking but I can't help it.
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Now I'm planning a holiday which will happen -- in my personal style of calendar -- two brain scans in the future. Two scans! Will I still be able to travel after two more of my three-monthly scans?
It's not that I feel more mortal than a month ago. But planning two scans ahead forces me to consider, What if one of those scans is positive? My usual pattern is to stress for a week or two before each scan. Holiday planning is causing me to stress much earlier.
It's not quite stress, either. I've shifted from balancing on "it'll never happen" to "it's going to happen". Or, rather, from denial shading into acceptance, to belief in inevitable death.
Still.
The "belief" is there but still with no expected time. Other than three years one month and some days... Yet I have an overlay of belief that I *could* die even sooner.
It's a weird state of mind. I've had a few weeks being less happy than usual. Writing it all down now... I am already feeling better. I'll see if this improvement lasts... For now -- after ten minutes' typing -- I feel better :-)
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This Friday we decide to do a bit more bush-track driving: we follow a bit more of the Albany to Mundaring 4wd trail. We try to:
The instructions -- starting near Dwellingup -- say, Follow Scarp Road. Nope. The waypoints don't. Luckily I have Deb to navigate and we are soon on the correct track. Later there's a closed road, we navigate round it and find the track a bit further on.
We cover 125km in nearly four hours. An excellent drive but tiring. We leave the last 30km of track for another day... and drive home along the highway.
I'm the driver, I have no trouble, I am tired at the end of the day.
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For our next (in our plan) holiday: We will be in Edinburgh for the Military Tattoo. Yes, sure, the Tattoo will also be in Sydney -- but that's just not the same as Edinburgh Castle. We have two tickets for the Tattoo. (In the post in April, anyway.)
I have also booked accommodation for a few days round the Tattoo.
Have you ever tried to find accommodation in Edinburgh during the tattoo? And (Deb tells me) during the Edinburgh Festival? Plenty of choice, all extremely expensive. With payment up front and no cancellation.
The Tattoo itself is a sunk cost. If we don't get there I accept it as lost money. Doesn't matter, it's a charity. Hotels... etc... I want to have some chance of getting money back. Just in case.
Travel insurance, you say? Do you have any existing medical condition? they will ask. Yes, terminal cancer, I'll reply. Hmmm... can't see me getting money back on that one :-) I will talk to the insurers. I am also trying to commit only to costs which can be recovered with no questions asked.
Looking for costs which can easily be recovered is a constant reminder: I may not be able to get there. ("I"... Even if I crash out Deb could go. But she won't. I think :-) It's a constant reminder that I do have cancer. That a tumour may -- should -- grow back at any time. Just a depressing reminder.
Speaking of which: Just today I have booked three days accommodation for the days around the Tattoo. A nice place -- just not in Edinburgh. A half-hour train journey away. I think it will be easy travelling... and it's a pay-on-arrival deal.
Now I just have to book a walk along the West Highland Way... book flights... book other accommodation... have two clear scans between now and the Tattoo.
No worries :-)
Dr Nick Lethbridge / Consulting Dexitroboper
... Agamedes Consulting / Problems ? Solved
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"If it's stupid but it works, it's not stupid." … Ginger Meggs
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You will beat the hell out of the statistics.
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