Tuesday, we go for a run. Five km round the hills of a local park. Actually I'm not in the mood for a run, I mostly walk and only cover 4.5km. Though it feels good to do even that :-)
While I'm "running" I have a very odd -- and rather gloomy -- feeling: my next scan will be positive and even now, a cancerous tumour is growing in my brain. Wow!
I've had a few weeks of worry. This is different. I was tending to the negative, now I have a definite *belief* that all is not well. Bit of a bummer, really. There are reasons for my gloom, all of which I can logically reject.
Dizziness, the can't-stand-straight, fall-into-walls sort. It's come back. Logically, I first had this five or more years ago and I'm quite sure that it's caused by too much PC game-playing. Which I've done a lot of in the last week or so.
Tiredness, can't be bothered doing more than a slow walk. Logically, I was on a tough trail run less than two weeks ago. With my current level of fitness I take a while to recover. Oh, and I'm getting older. Yes, really :-)
Aching shoulders and back. I should never read scary articles which claim that the first sign of some cancers is aching joints, or bones, or something. (I only skimmed that article.) Logically, this is RSI / OOS / too much bad posture at the PC.
Mostly, planning a holiday which is seven months ahead makes me consider the chances of surviving that long. Logically, looking ahead makes no difference to the odds of living that long.
Il-logically: I run around the park with the clear belief that my cancer is back or that it will soon be back. I look at the logical contradictions (contra-indications?) -- and can't shake the gloom.
So I accept the gloom and carry on.
Tuesday evening at home with Deb: I'm a bit quiet (relative to my usual self) but it's hard to be gloomy.
Wednesday I'm at lunch with a friend. I admit to feelings of gloom, this helps. Good conversation helps. A few hours relaxing at home and I'm back to my usual balance. No worries :-)
Do I really have a fresh tumour? Can't tell, and all the "symptoms" have better explanations. (Unless my gloom is justified, then I may be sick but I'm very clever to have noticed :-)
Do I feel well now, today? Yes, except for tiredness which may be lack of fitness, old age, both. Light exercise and better posture at the PC have helped remove the aches from shoulders and back. So for today, I am well.
If I am currently riddled with fresh cancer, what can I do about it ?
Okay, I could panic and demand an instant MRI. But if it's back... it's back. And if it's back just two months since the last scan then (a) it's getting more active and (b) another month to the next scheduled scan will not make much difference. So, nothing much I can do, so no use worrying. Not till the scan is done, then I can worry while I wait for the results. As usual :-)
Nothing I can do, no use worrying.
And, having written all that down -- I can forget about it.
I think I've climbed out of the Slough of Despond(*). If I'm back there tomorrow I may have to introduce Deb to the Icelandic practice of
ísbíltúr
.===
(*) Smart-alec literary reference. I once read quite a lot of the book. It was painfully unsubtle.
Dr Nick Lethbridge / Consulting Dexitroboper
... Agamedes Consulting / Problems ? Solved
===
"If it's stupid but it works, it's not stupid." … Ginger Meggs
===
Very difficult to control worry.
ReplyDelete