itchy foot

Almost midnight, I'm sitting at the PC translating Russian notes to English, on Fibonacci series and biquadratic equations... Yep, still learning Kotlin coding :-)

My feet start to feel funny. Not painful, not tingling, just... funny. Funny in a way that is clearly a variation on post-chemo sole tingling.

To be exact: soles of both feet feel funny, left hardly at all, right quite noticeable. On the right foot the feeling extends across the bottom of my toes.

I get ready for bed, the feeling is less noticeable. Get into bed -- and it's back... but different.

Again, the left foot is hardly affected. The right foot is itchy, extremely itchy. All across the sole, also across most of the toes. I rub one foot against the other -- hard -- but it doesn't help.

I curl up (I'm lying in bed) to grab my foot in my hand... and squeeze. It seems to work! The itching fades, I fall asleep.

Weird.

===

During the night I wake up from some weird dreams. As I wake up I think, That was weird... but fun :-) Then I forget what the dreams were about. All I remember is, Weird but fun.

Nick Lethbridge  /  consulting dexitroboper
===
"I took out a loan to pay for an exorcism. If I don't pay it back, I'm going to get repossessed." … Olaf Falafel
===
   

on hold

So now I'm on hold. Nothing certain for the next six weeks.

The PET scan shows high sugar take-up in the blotch area. This -- to me -- gives a high probability to it being a new tumour. The possibility that the blotch is radiation necrosis is a nice thought but I'm not depending on it. The radiation specialist supports the idea so I classify its odds as being better than "wishful thinking".

Essentially I'm "between scans" again but with the extra negative implications of "the blotch". So it's business as usual: enjoying life... six weeks at a time :-)

Speaking of enjoying life: today Deb and I look after our grandson for several hours. He runs round non-stop for several hours then seems to fall asleep as we drive him home. Then wakes up as soon as he's home.. though he has, at least, slowed down.

While grandson runs riot, Deb walks round with him, keeping him company. Deb is sunburnt, tired, now asleep. I sat and watch the bags, I am now tired and ready for bed. An exhausting -- and very enjoyable -- day for everyone :-)

Nick Lethbridge  /  consulting dexitroboper
===
"I took out a loan to pay for an exorcism. If I don't pay it back, I'm going to get repossessed." … Olaf Falafel
===
   

It's ba-a-aack... maybe!

Okay, so there's something showing on my brain MRI. Confirmed by signs of lots of cell activity as shown on my PET. A blotch on the brain... actively absorbing sugar... sounds like a new tumour.

Or possibly necrosis, says the doc. I didn't hear that, Deb did. That's why Deb goes with me to see the doc. Necrosis? Dead bit of brain? Lots to learn today...

We go home (via weekly shopping). A bit later there's an email from the doc. She has contacted the radiation specialist. He prefers the necrosis option. That is (I think) a dead area, a common after-effect of radiation. Where was it at the last scan?!

Post radiation necrosis -- we find out from another source -- may appear up to 20 years after radiation. (We have some good sources of good information!) So a bit of dead brain is, indeed, a possible explanation.

The doc also said that she'd talk to the brain surgeon. The one who's been in my head before, he knows the area. The doc was going to talk with the surgeon because today's blotch is in a slightly different area. In an area which would be more difficult to access. I'm not sure if she has yet spoken to the surgeon. No rush, because...

In the hope that this new blotch is necrosis, next step is another scan. An MRI with more: "spectroscopy". Whatever that is, it will give a better picture of "the lesion". That's what the doc calls it. I prefer "blotch" :-)

The new scan will be in six weeks... If it's a tumour, that will give it time to grow. More evidence, one way or another. At the moment it is -- if a tumour -- still a lot smaller than the original tumour.

The blotch is in a difficult area but in a part of the brain which is not used for anything important, says the doc. That could be any part of my brain, I think. As a more sensible view:

It may not be in the "thinking" part of my brain. It's on the surface of a catchment area for blood flowing through the brain. So if it's a growing tumour it could block drainage from the brain. Leading to... exploding head syndrome... or something. I lost track of the technical details.

So. The tumour may be back. Or I may have an area of necrosis, dead brain. Or dead lining of the brain. More info in six weeks, after the next scan. Either way, noone expects me to die within the next six weeks, so that's good :-)

But it does mess up holiday plans :-( Whether I'm dead or alive, six weeks from now is when we should be going to NZ. If the scan is sooner I'll have time to get last-minute plane tickets. Everything that can be cancelled is already booked, we'll lose something but not the lot.

It all depends on a, the timing of the scan. b, the result of the scan. And c, if the cancer is back, what will happen next... Which appears to be a choice between surgery and radiation. Whoopee :-)

But that's in the future. For now, I'm just waiting. 

Though I may need a new motto on my shirt: change "enjoy life, three months at a time", to "... six weeks at a time".

Nick Lethbridge  /  consulting dexitroboper
===
"I took out a loan to pay for an exorcism. If I don't pay it back, I'm going to get repossessed." … Olaf Falafel
===
   

uh oh

Inside info has it that my brain cancer is back. True or not, we find out this afternoon. Till then, I've entered a different style of worry: a feeling of "uh oh" mixed with some relief, that I can stop worrying about when it will come back. Strange...

I spent a few weeks worrying, with the usual pushing the worry aside. Then I had a week of denial, no, it won't be back. That -- to me -- is worse. I don't want the sudden letdown when the cancer is definitely back.

Today, it's a probable. This afternoon... I'll find out for sure.

Meanwhile... We've been for a run. We'll go shopping. Have lunch. Then go see the doctor. An almost typical Thursday :-)

Nick Lethbridge  /  consulting dexitroboper
===
"I took out a loan to pay for an exorcism. If I don't pay it back, I'm going to get repossessed." … Olaf Falafel
===
   

scans by three!

Monday, MRI, easy. Drive to St John's, park, get scanned, home again. It's a worry that I'm scanned so often that I'm starting to recognise the bloke who does the scan. It's also good news that I'm still alive to be scanned :-)

I'm sitting, waiting a few minutes, with a cannula in my vein. May as well, I think, try to get used to it. So I deliberately look at the cannula. After a minute, feeling faint, I look away.

Tuesday, PET scan at Charlie's. The big worry here is... parking. On past visits I've failed to find the entrance, had to cut in front of other cars to get in the visitors' lane, failed to find the exit, been refused a ticket by a parking machine... Not all on the one visit, but I just don't have good memories.

This time, no worries, easy parking.

I also found the PET desk, first try, another first. All part of increasing familiarity. As above, that's both good and bad.

The staff are all very pleasant, very professional, very patient. I admit to a dislike of cannulas, a nurse fetches some water for me to sip. I comment that I am sweating in fear. Yes you are, says the nurse, but that's okay. All very kind and understanding.

Into the quiet room, radioactive sugar is pumped into my vein. Normal practice is that I relax for an hour, get scanned, have the cannula removed, leave. Today is a bit different:

I learn from the nurse that the sugar pumping is only ten minutes, the rest of the hour is to get the sugar throughout my body. Today, the cannula is removed once the pumping is finished. I relax -- with no cannula in my vein -- and feel so much better! Sure, I always fall asleep but today I fall asleep feeling happy that there is nothing sticking into my vein.

Then the body scan. And a head scan. Last time they asked, is it okay if we also scan your head? This time they just do it. It's no trouble for me, just another 15 minutes in the PET tunnel.

Then sandwiches, because PET patients fast before the scan. Then the post-scan doctor. I'm not sure what he's meant to be doing, I assume he's just making sure that I'm conscious before I leave. Though flicking through paperwork is also part of his routine.

Next, with my permission, I'm interviewed by a student doctor. I'm not entirely sure what he's meant to be finding out. I suspect he is also unsure. Practising talking to patients is a stated objective, he does that quite well.

I think he may be practising his diagnosis skills. Unfortunately he strikes a brick wall when it turns out that I have absolutely no brain cancer symptoms until I fall over in a fun run.

From my perspective he seems very young... Though by the time I ask what stage his studies are at -- and he says, final year -- I'm not surprised. He knows a lot about medicine :-)

It does make me wonder: How did ED decide that I have brain cancer? I can't believe that they said, He fell over, must be brain cancer... My best guess is that they knew I had an epileptic fit and were looking for evidence of brain damage. Found a lump and then thought, cancer.

I'm home by lunch time. Have a rest. Go for a run. Because it's Tuesday, we run on Tuesday, no excuses accepted. I run because Deb runs. If Deb doesn't run... I happily veg.

Today is a post-trail run run. Gentle recovery. My calf muscles still ache after Sunday. I'm sure it's doing me good :-) Actually, I enjoy running. Even... especially... the extra strain of the trail runs.

Sunday, I beat some people! Woohoo! Deb beat twice as many people! But that's okay, Deb and I ran different courses :-)

My body is scanned. My head is scanned, twice. Now I just wait a few days to get the results. Meanwhile... back to Kotlin programming and World of Warcraft...

Nick Lethbridge  /  consulting dexitroboper
===
"I took out a loan to pay for an exorcism. If I don't pay it back, I'm going to get repossessed." … Olaf Falafel
===
   

scanning ahead

Tomorrow, the regular, three-monthly scan week begins. A brain MRI on Monday, a body PET on Tuesday. Quite good timing...

No great preparation for the MRI. A kidney blood test done a couple of weeks ago them just turn up for the test. The PET scan requires fasting from midnight and no strenuous exercise for 24 hours before the scan. Luckily that's 46 hours after this morning's trail run.

Hmmm... the spell-guesser suggested that I needed to be *farting* from midnight. Far easier but not an acceptable equivalent.

Sunday, today, and a 10km run round Wungong Dam. Including 340m climb. Strenuous exercise? Oh yes :-) If it was PET scan tomorrow I would have had to take a shorter course.

===

There's a bit of pre-scan stress, so I distract myself. Keep my mind otherwise occupied. Other than reading, playing, doing a jigsaw and trying to keep up with Deb, I'm learning Kotlin.

Kotlin is a programming language for mobile (mostly Android) devices. The internet is full of instructions, tutorials, advice on the language. This ranges from the incomprehensibly complex to the simply wrong.

btw: This is nothing to do with cancer. Except that it's what I do to distract myself while waiting to be tested for cancer.

In the "community of Kotlin users" one person will post a question, a dozen people will answer it. A few users will answer with an example using the wrong language. Quite a few will provide an answer which does not work. Several will use techniques which are now no longer possible. (The language develops and changes. Noone every cleans out the outdated rubbish.)

But here's the best: I found an online university course which is at exactly my level. It's reasonably clear, reasonably complete, aimed at people who don't yet code apps but who want to. There are only two problems...

The course users a different -- older -- programming environment. I can't just run the examples, I need to build a program within which I include the sample code. No worries, I learnt enough on another tutorial to do that, I've done it before, the concept is simple, I spent four hours getting it to work again... What a language! One bracket out of place and it fails to compile. Usually with an incomprehensible nerd-style message.

Anyway, that's now working. I now have little apps to solve a quadratic equation, play paper, rock, scissors and generate my own random phrases of jargon.

The second problem with this university course is that it's in Russian.

I copy the lecture transcript, in Russian. Use Google Translate to get English. This is slow because Translate accepts only a few hundred characters at a time. For some reason. I work through the English transcript... slowly... trying to understand what it means. Then I watch the video -- in Russian -- to find the code samples which appear on the video but not in the transcript. And try to match the code to the appropriate spot in the transcript.

At least the code is in English, sort of. No Cyrillic characters, anyway. Though "meaningful names" are less meaningful in Russian.

Despite all this... despite courses by Google and a dozen other companies and individuals... this Russian course is the best that I have been able to find. It's good and i enjoy it.

===

So that's how I pass the time :-)

More excitement next week. Once I have the results of the scans -- no matter what the results -- I expect my stress level will reduce. Ditto, I guess, for Deb.

===

 Very little of this post is specific to my blog purpose, to document my cancer. Which doesn't matter at all, to me. Because already -- having got all that off my chest -- already, I feel better :-)

And now I'll go to a different blog, to post some ranting and raving at the world. Even less relevant, no expectation that my ranting will change the world. Just as effective at making me feel more relaxed...

Nick Lethbridge  /  consulting dexitroboper
===
"I bought shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day." … Steph on Twitter
===
   

never look back

Saturday, we go orienteering in Kelmscott. The assembly area is... just across the road from where I lived for about ten years of my childhood. The map includes our old property. I see some of the types of tree which grow only (as far as I know) on the poor, dry, sandy soil of Kelmscott.

It's a bit depressing, really.

We lived on two and a half acres. Traffic was one or two cars a day. This is where I developed my preference for isolated spaces.

Our block is now ten or twenty houses. Traffic is not heavy, but regular. The trees are not too healthy, with brown edges to the leaves.

There are no visible reminders of a reasonably happy childhood. It's a bit depressing.

===

It also makes me think, How happy was my childhood? Definitely not *un*happy :-)

Thinking back -- after many years -- I think that I was content rather than happy. There were ups and downs, I just accepted whatever happened. Plenty of good times, nothing ever really bad -- as far as I was concerned.

Perhaps I'm just applying my current attitude to my childhood... because that's how I am now. Some ups and downs, plenty of good times, accepting whatever happens. Can't change it so no use worrying... though I'm certain I never thought even that deeply as a child :-)

===

On one visit to the GP she commented -- while checking the cancer doc's notes -- that I seem to impress the cancer doc. I must ask, some time, what is it that impressed the cancer doc. Is it my cheerful accepting attitude? Or is she impressed that I am still alive...

===

Every so often I consider the various stages of grief, to see how I am tracking. Well... I have now passed anger! I have had a flash of anger, it lasted at least five seconds.

Angry at what? Angry that Deb will be left alone. Pity there's nothing, noone, to be angry *at*. So, a bit pointless. And, anyway, it's not happened yet...

Though next week is the next scan week, two scans. So, a bit of stress.

Meanwhile... enjoying life three months at a time :-)

Nick Lethbridge  /  consulting dexitroboper
===
"I bought shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day." … Steph on Twitter
===
   

step one: complete

Every three months I am scanned. An MRI  of my head to look for a fresh brain tumour. A PET scan of my body to check for fresh signs of spreading testicular cancer.

Good and bad: The brain cancer is more serious but is highly unlikely to escape from my brain. The testicular cancer is less serious but it easily spreads itself around the body. Each cancer has its good and bad aspects :-)

Each three-monthly scan is a time for stress: will a cancer be back? which one will it be? I start my stress at various times before each scan. This time I seem to have started a bit early. Not to worry -- my stress level has already fallen...

Before each MRI I have a blood test. The MRI requires a "contrast" to be dribbled into my bloodstream, the blood test is for kidney function... my kidneys must be healthy enough to filter out the contrast. (Never any problems, my kidneys work very well.)

Unfortunately I have Draculaphobia, I do not like to have blood extracted. I'm very tense before each blood test.

The test is done, I feel better already. Strangely enough -- as I examine my feelings -- it's true. I don't know the test results. The scans -- and scan results -- are still in the future. Yet the blood has been extracted -- and my stress is (somewhat) reduced.

What, me worry? Not (as far as I can control it) not over the stuff over which I have no control. Certainly not over the stuff which may or may not be in the future.

===

Meanwhile, I continue to learn how to code in Kotlin. Every day, one small step forward, twenty large steps in circles. There's plenty of online help, written by people for whom clear English is a mystery. Or written by amateur coders who appear to be guessing. Our, like me, clutching at straws...

I'm also distracting myself with a jigsaw...

On a recent holiday, Deb enjoyed a 300 piece jigsaw, so I bought her a jigsaw for Christmas. Only trouble is, I could only find one with 1,000 pieces.. Deb is frustrated and is happy to let me work on it. I'm currently working on an area of grass and flowers, with no clear features... sigh.

When this one is finished I'll buy another for Deb. Another jigsaw with only three or four hundred pieces. Which I how Deb will be able to enjoy :-)

another year, woohoo!

It's a brand new year, I'm still alive and feeling fine :-)

On the other hand, there will be more scans. I'm getting in early with pre-scan worrying. Low key worrying but it's definitely there. The main symptom of my worry, is hypochondria...

I've had one or two very mild headaches. Could this be a fresh tumour? More likely it's running in summer, heat and mild dehydration.

I've noticed that one part of my scalp is warmer than the rest. Is my brain starting to boil? Probably not. More likely, it's just something I've never noticed before.

Sometimes I feel unsteady, want to just sit or lie down. Could this be an early sign of another collapse? More likely, it's because I stay awake several hours after midnight, then get up a couple of hours later... still very tired. More on that later.

What I have is hypochondria. Every little ache and pain and odd feeling... could be fresh cancer... or so I think. Pure pre-scan worry.

But what if it's not? What if my mild indigestion is really cancer gone wild? Oh no! I'm doomed!

Two possibilities: cancer is back and I'm doomed, or it's not. If it's cancer then the scans will tell, meanwhile there's nothing I can do. If it's *not* cancer then, well, there's nothing I *need* to do. Either way, the scans will tell, and there's nothing to do till then.

So I do nothing, nothing desperate. Just the normal things: wear a hat in the sun, drink plenty after running, get a bit more sleep. And for goodness sake, try not to worry :-)

===

One way to stop worrying is to keep myself busy. Read a lot of books, as usual. Play World of Warcraft. Go running worth Deb. Today, for example, was a trail run, 10km in Walyunga. And I'm continuing to write a phone app...

I'm about to get nerdy. Feel free to read or ignore, I'll write it anyway because I want to get it off my chest.

===

I'm using a "swype" keyboard. It's fun, it's fast, it's likely to introduce some very word typos (That, for example, is meant to be, very *weird* typos). So far, this Samsung keyboard seems better than the Google one I tried a year ago. But I'll try to be extra careful with proofreading.

Second, I'm typing this post in a different blogger app. What I'm seeing (as I type) is very small font and no way to change it. I'll be interested to see what it looks like after posting...

Now even more nerdy. If it makes no sense, that's no surprise. I'm about to describe things which I just don't understand...

===

I'm writing a phone app. After a couple of years occasional effort I have a working app but the coding language has reached its technical limits. It's a language for students, powerful, simple to use, limited.

So I have changed languages, to Kotlin. Kotlin? It's a language by Google, for writing phone apps. It's similar to Java but -- according to Google experts -- better. There are lots of online tutorials.

I read a book for beginners, it showed me how to define data. What to *do* with that data? Very little information. Nothing at all on displaying on a screen.

I'm also following a tutorial on creating Android screens, really very good. With very little explanation on the essential "background" coding rules. I can create screens, actually doing something is a lot harder. I created a screen which would ask my name and respond (on another screen) with, Hello [name]. That took me several days, perhaps ten days elapsed.

I found a sample program to display a phone's current latitude and longitude, it worked. I copied the code into my own program then spent two days getting it to compile. Then another three days getting it to work again. My problems are with the basic structure of a kotlin program.

Kotlin is a very similar to Java. There are tutorials for Java programmers to convert to kotlin. One reason I chose kotlin is because I know nothing at all about Java -- so whatever language I choose, I will be staying from scratch. Nor do I know C++, which may also be similar... Ah well. It's a challenge :-)

Writing my app in kotlin is like running the Cradle Mountain Trail Run: I want to do it, it's a long term goal, I may never succeed. My app, though, I really want to finish.

===

So I now have three items in my bucket list. One, to run over Cradle Mountain. Two, to write my app in Kotlin. And three (less formal) I have decided that I want to live long enough to see our grandchildren graduate from uni. And since the granddaughter was born just a month ago... that third item is just as far away as the other two.

===

Time for bed. Time to work on a fix for feeling tired and unsteady. Time to get some sleep :-)