Not Dead Yet !: death, taxes and attitude

There are two things which -- so we are told -- we cannot avoid: death and taxes. For some reason this has never worried me.

I paid my first income tax when I was studying at uni. Even then I thought, this is a good deal: I pay a small amount of tax to the government, the government gives me free education. It seemed to be a very good deal -- for me.

Over the years I have maintained that attitude: I pay tax, the government gives it back in various ways. Sometimes as education (I have a lot of that), sometimes as roads, electricity to the door, looking after national parks... all sorts of things which I appreciate. And could not pay for by myself.

I am vaguely upset that, apparently, the richer you are the less tax you pay. I would prefer a transaction tax -- on every single exchange of cash, goods or services -- with no deductions. (After all, why should a business pay less tax just because they are less efficient at managing their own spending?) My real annoyance is the complexity of paying tax... It feels as though we spend more on tax accountants than on the tax itself.

At the basis of this attitude to tax is my attitude to money: I have never really understood its importance. I either have it... or I don't.

Mind you, I always seem to have been "comfortable". As a child I believe we were "poor". But not in poverty, we ate well. As a student -- I have no idea where my money came from! I worked, occasionally. There was money in the bank. Somehow. I paid rent, bought food, didn't buy much else.

But money has no intrinsic attraction. For example, I won't work harder to earn more money. I work because I enjoy the work and the money... is just a bonus.

My attitude to death is much the same: It's there, it will happen. So what? There are plenty of things which I would like to "do before I die" but none of them are essential. For example:

I want to complete the Cradle Mountain trail run. That's 82km in Tasmania, across -- you guessed it -- Cradle Mountain. I've been training towards that for... well... ever since I discovered the joys of trail running, five or so years back. Will I ever do the run?

Even when I set that target I doubted that I would reach it. What if I die before I complete the Cradle Mountain run? (Back then, What if I die was a many-years-in-the-future concept :-) Weellll... If I die before I reach that particular target -- it won't matter. Because I will be dead -- and not caring.

There are lots of things that I would like to do. There are lots of things that I have already done. (Several marathons. Even one ultramarathon.) A holiday to northern Japan is on my planning schedule... A short holiday in WA is already booked.

My death is now closer that expected. My life so far -- despite ups and downs -- looks pretty good from here. I have no interest in a "bucket list". Either I will do things -- or I will not. Which is fine by me :-)

In fact: After a few weeks' of radiation treatment, a minor sign that I am recovering from the side-effects... I did have a quick flash of impending mortality. I'm really going to die! A quick flash -- and it was gone. I'm going to die. So what? So is everyone. I hope my death will be "later"... but it will happen, no matter what I hope.

I've had a good -- good enough! -- life. Now I plan to help Deb (and possibly the kids) get ready for their own lives without me. Now *that* will be really tough for them... or else:-)

aside: I don't have a bucket list. I occasionally consider items for my "fucket list". These are things that people say, I must do this before I die! And I think, fucket, there's no way I'd ever want to do that...

So: Taxes, no worries, I just wish it were a simpler system. Death, inevitable, the timing is unexpected but that can't be helped.

And finally: I'm just a blatant optimist. As evidenced by the occasional dream...

Over the years I have had -- in times of stress -- the dream of falling off a cliff. I believe that it's a standard dream, where you're on the edge of a cliff and the edge starts to collapse, you are about to fall... It may not be a cliff but the concept is there: some uncontrollable collapse which will lead to inevitable death & destruction. A sure sign that the dreamer is seriously worried.

I had one of those dreams a month or two back. I was standing on flat ground. The sand under my feet began to collapse. A hole was opening up, directly under my feet... And here's the thing:

I'm standing over an open hole. The sand that I am standing on is collapsing, there will soon be nothing but air -- and a long drop -- under my feet. Yet I am not falling. Even in the dream I have no fear of actually falling. I am standing on thin air -- watching the ground under my feet... disappearing.

That's the way these dreams go -- for me. I've stepped off the edge of a cliff... but there is no possibility that I will fall, I simply float. I'm standing above a growing hole... but there is no possibility that I will fall, I simply float.

Blind optimism? Absolutely! I recognise that the world -- the real world -- may be collapsing around me. But so what -- I will continue to float above all the danger :-) There is trouble -- serious trouble -- but I will just carry on regardless.

The basis for my attitude to terminal cancer is part of this blind optimism... Trouble? Oh yeah... but it won't worry me. It may *affect* me but it won't worry me. I'll get by okay... or possibly I won't. Either way...

No worries :-)

As one boss once commented, There's Nick, he's happy, he doesn't really know what's going on.

Or perhaps I know. But I don't let it affect me.

Not too much, anyway.