Not Dead Yet !: perhaps it's all in the mind

Our son sent a link to a video. Playing it on the tablet the video would stop and start, finally providing sound but only a fixed still picture. On the PC it required an (unknown to me) app to play. But we had enough to know the topic of the video... So I searched for "cat being wrapped as Christmas present" and found a version which played. Ah! the joys of the internet, providing many, many copies of the same funny-and-cute cat video :-)

Later I told Deb, Yes, next Christmas we will definitely gift-wrap our own cat. Which lead to further discussion of "next Christmas".

There is -- statistically -- a 50-50 chance that I will be dead before next Christmas. Should this stop me making plans for -- or humorous references to -- next Christmas? No. I accept that I could be dead within 12 months. As always, I expect to live forever. We plan for up to three years ahead. I will refer, when relevant, to any future time.

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Christmas 2016 has come and gone -- and it was fun :-) Lunch with "my family", dinner with "Deb's family". By the end of the day I am exhausted... but is my exhaustion a continuing side-effect of my treatment, or just that I don't feel comfortable with crowds of people?

In our partnership, Deb is the learner, I am the skimmer... Deb has a library book on coping with the psychological effects of cancer. I'm not interested in reading the book, I depend on Deb telling me about the relevant bits. Today, Deb wonders if I sleep a lot because I am suffering from depression.

People with cancer may have depression. People with depression may sleep a lot -- because they see no point in being awake. No point in getting up to do anything. (The bit after "because" is my own interpretation.) I certainly sleep a lot.

This is food for thought: Am I suffering from depression?

In the five years pre-cancer, yes, I had depression. I was unemployed and -- in terms of jobs which would interest me -- unemployable. Too long a gap since I was gainfully employed. I like to do things which make a difference. I get very little satisfaction doing something just for myself. Deb provided positive support and I "self-medicated" by, for example, planning holidays.

That was several years of mild depression. Do I now have similar feelings of depression?

Strangely enough, one of the effects of finding that I have terminal cancer is -- a lifting of my depression! All of a sudden, *long-term* issues disappear... No, long-term worries are not overshadowed by more immediate problems. I just don't have a long term to worry about. And that has a surprisingly positive effect on my mood :-)

So now I have no long-term worries. Instead, I have some pressure to complete essential tasks quickly, "just in case". Is this making me depressed? I don't think so...

I sleep a lot. But that's because I'm tired. On top of that -- I'm horribly unfit. Amazing how fitness fades away after three months of doing absolutely nothing. I do need to do something about my physical fitness.

In my running training I only train because Deb trains. I do enjoy training runs but -- given the choice -- I would rather sit at home and read a book. Now I need to re-start some physical activity... I need to get Deb back in training -- and to use that as the spur to get myself a bit more active.

Today, Deb takes me walking, to look for a few geocaches. The real reason is, that Deb is worried that I am sitting, doing nothing, because I am depressed. I don't think that I am depressed... but I certainly feel better after going for that walk :-)

Then I put together a Meccano model which I was given -- at my request -- for Christmas. It was quite tricky... can children "aged 8+ years" really do this?! Will I be able to assemble my second Meccano kit, for children aged 10+?! But here's the thing:

I do have flashes of worry: Good grief am I really going to die within the next year or so?! Just flashes. Then I have longer periods of worry: Am I just in denial, am I seriously worried but hiding it from myself? (I don't think so.) And I have the regular worry, of what Deb will do when I am dead. I "know" that she will be okay but I still worry.

Then I look at the assembled Meccano model. And I am pleased. *Very* pleased. Almost proud of myself... Something started, something completed, something successful. Something which makes me feel more cheerful.

Overall, I don't feel depressed.

It seems, however, that I can be more cheerful.

I'll work on that :-)