living it up

Last night I had a strange dream. (Is there any other type of dream ?! ) I was being chased by a mob of people who wanted to hurt me. (Possibly a subconscious combination of feeling threatened by cancer, and too much reading of violent fantasy novels.)

I reached shelter, knew I was safe. Deb was not there. Yet I knew -- with absolute certainty -- that Deb would soon join me there. (No need for me to interpret that, is there ?) The happy certainty stayed with me as I woke up.

There was someone else in the shelter... It was a house, the owner had let me in. The owner was a woman. No name, no image, just a perception of another, female, person in the same room as me. Helping me to hide from the mob. I woke up with an erection.

In the last couple of weeks there has been a minor improvement in the way my body works. Minor, but significant: regular, responsive, actual erections. They don't last long. I doubt they're useful for any practical purposes. Just a pleasant feeling plus smug satisfaction. Hey, I'm a bloke :-)

It's a combination, I believe, of both physical and emotional improvement. Doing more running, including the satisfaction of completing a trail run. Getting our tax sorted out, well before any deadline ! Planning a holiday -- on the assumption that my next MRI scan will be clear. All adding up to physical and emotional improvement.

On the other hand, I have done some very early pre-MRI worrying. What if the cancer is back ? What treatment will be recommended ? How long until I die ? I don't want to die !

"What treatment will be recommended ?" See ? I have no consideration that I will be "beyond" treatment. Basic blind optimism still rules. I push the worries (fears) aside and get on with life.

Here's my thinking: My tumour was in a relatively "safe" location, with just one known effect (collapsing in a fun run). If the tumour comes back in the same spot, it can be removed again. If it comes back in a different spot -- I'll take that as the cancer diagnosis from which I still have a 50% chance of living for another 12 months. No worries :-)

I still have times when I worry about dying. I tell myself, Nothing I can do about it so stop worrying. And it seems to work. Any moody, miserable complaints about life, the universe and everything -- are just me, being me. Just as bad as I have always been !

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Though I'm still trying to deal with one side-effect -- of the chemo drugs ? -- which seems to hang around: my digestion.

As far back as I can remember, I have been able to eat and successfully digest anything. (Except those suspicious mushrooms that I found under the lemon tree.) Now, I have occasional vague feelings of digestive unease. And, last week, a burst of overactive throughput.

The "unease" is easily explained and dealt with: nerves. Pre-run nerves. To a lesser extent, pre the exhaustion of toddler watching nerves. As soon as the activity starts, the unease disappears. Easy fix.

What about the burst of overactive throughput ? I'm guessing that it was something I ate... The symptoms match. It's just that I've had years with no such issue. Still... what did I eat ? I think of what I ate before the over-activity, and test. (Which is a bit nerve-wracking: eating something which may or may not cause digestive upset.)

I seem to have eliminated (ha ! unintentional pun ! ) rolled oats as the culprit. Whole milk seems safe. Meat pie is next, for lunch today. With nowhere I have to be in the afternoon... Willing to risk the symptoms but prefer to stay at home while testing :-)

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On a purely selfish note, this works for me:

It can be difficult to get Deb to say what she really wants to do. She prefers to do whatever it is that I want to do. Always has and it's even worse now. What I really want to do is, whatever will make Deb happy. (Well, okay, as long as it also makes me happy.)

That extends a bit further: if people around me, close to me, are happy -- and if I feel that I have helped -- I feel the happiness of a job well done. Even if I have nothing to do with other people's happiness -- other people's happiness still gives me a warm feeling.

And, to be brutal: I have one or three or six years in which to be happy. After that, I will not need any happy memories. It's other people who, I hope, will have happy memories.

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A friend replied to one of my emails with the comment that I "sound decidedly chipper". I do my best... I see no need to spread gloom to other people. Also, I've found that being constantly cheerful -- really annoys the heck out of other people :-)

Dr Nick Lethbridge / Consulting Dexitroboper

...        Agamedes Consulting / Problems ? Solved

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"I've found that there's a reason for everything… I constantly make the wrong decisions." … Pardon my Planet

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Dying for you to read my blog, at https://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com.au/ :-)

future planning

It's not often that I enjoy going to the dentist... This week, (a) there are no fillings and (b) it's good to find that I still need my teeth :-) Though it does seem a bit late in the day to have apparently mastered avoiding the constant need for fillings & repairs.

Deb & I were there together. As we left Deb made an appointment for her next check-up in six months' time. I said, I'll leave my next check-up for twelve months. Mostly because I don't really enjoy visits to the dentist. And it's nice to make a plan for so far in the future :-)

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Bill Watterson - "There is not enough time to do all the nothing we want to do."

So we're planning a walking holiday, along the Cape to Cape track. A few months away yet, timed for Spring. Also timed for school holidays -- despite expected crowds of kids -- to suit Deb's sister's schedule.

The three of us plan to do the walk, Deb, her sister, me. "We" walked the C2C years ago. That is, Deb & her sister walked, I dropped and picked up for each day's walk. This year I'm expected to walk rather than drive. Ah well. As Jack Benny almost said:

"Give me [hiking shoes], fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the [shoes] and the fresh air."

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Last week I thought that I was feeling fine. This week, the improvement from Tuesday to Wednesday is so noticeable... I guess I was still affected by the tail end of having a cold. For the last few days... nights... even the nights seem to be warmer ! The new electric blanket helps. But some nights I even turn that off.

I was accepting being cold at night as "normal". The new normal is feeling not quite as cold at night. And speaking of normal...

Last time the dentist saw me I was saying, I have brain cancer. This week, this lead to some conversation before my teeth were examined.

What brain cancer symptoms were there? he asked. None before the day of my collapse, I replied. Except for the large & hard testicle... I had been planning to ask the GP about that. Oops! a second (testicular) cancer...

I had known that the testicle was large and hard. But... after a while... it seemed almost normal. Normal enough to not panic.

Then it was removed. I looked at the remaining testicle and thought, Wow, that other one really was extra large... My view of "normal" had grown with the cancerous testicle.

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And back to that holiday plan:

We will walk in Spring. Which just happens to be, a week or two after my next brain scan. Ooo-kay. I'll schedule the scan and move the oncologist appointment a bit earlier than planned, so I will know the results before we start walking.

If a tumour is back... things could be interesting. Walking with a fresh surgery scar ? Perhaps I can cut a hole in my hat for self-radiation treatment ? No worries !

We plan to enjoy ourselves. All sorts of things could interfere with that plan. My illness is nothing, compared to Deb's sister's potential problems !

Enjoy life :-) While we can. And then, enjoy life just a bit more.

Dr Nick Lethbridge / Consulting Dexitroboper

...        Agamedes Consulting / Problems ? Solved

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"I've found that there's a reason for everything… I constantly make the wrong decisions." … Pardon my Planet

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Dying for you to read my blog, at https://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com.au/ :-)

sick... or old... or just nervous

I am very well, thank you :-) Oh, apart from the terminal cancer, that is... Which really -- right now -- does not seem to affect me. No drugs, no side-effects. No effects of the cancer, either... as far as I know !

Today my brother was ready to suggest that I should be aware of the symptoms which preceded my collapse, so that I can ... well ... do something about them before I collapse again. Unfortunately, I replied, there were no early warning symptoms. None at all.

Except for the on-the-day blank spots. By which time I was collapsing. Though I now stay aware of the possibility of more blank spots. And hope that, if I do notice them, that I have enough self-awareness to get help... Though by that stage I will be already due for more surgery, etc.

But were there really no earlier warnings of a growing tumour ?

"There are no facts, only interpretations." -- Friedrich Nietzsche

As far as I know, there were no early warnings. I was as fit as a fiddle -- till my brain exploded. Is this "fact"... or is it just my own "interpretation" ?!

Yesterday, I could have been heading for all sorts of physical and mental breakdowns. Feeling nervous, trouble sleeping. Worried about my impending doom ? Unsettled digestion. After-effects of chemo ? Fear of what tomorrow would bring. Stress & depression ? Worried that I would fall over. A bit wobbly as I stood up. Brain going soft ? Minor headache. Brain going hard ?

Those are facts and possible interpretations. As an alternative interpretation: I was suffering from the standard pre-fun-run nerves !

Today the alarm is set for 5am. I am awake at 4am, to go to the toilet. Can't get back to sleep (very unusual). Suddenly wonder, What time does the run start ? Go downstairs, check the web. Upstairs again and I set the alarm for a half hour later. Still can't sleep.

I apply a solution to a problem that I have mentioned in earlier posts: I get cold at night. We bought an electric blanket. Bliss ! I turn the blanket to roast & bake and am asleep as soon as the heat seeps through.

Aside: My first ever experience with an electric blanket was interesting. I woke up in the middle of the night, feeling very cold. (Thirty or forty years ago. I have always had trouble keeping warm at night.) Anyway, not to worry, I switch our new electric blanket to heat... Within minutes I am warm as toast and fall fast asleep.

It's only the next morning that I find that the blanket had not yet been plugged in.

Back to the present and we have an electric blanket. Aaaahhhh :-)  Though I still need to turn up the heat in the wee small hours of the morning. So I do. And I sleep soundly.

Till 5:30. Up, breakfast, dress, drive... and run.

It's a trail run. Almost 13km over a very steep hill. I've been looking forward to getting back to trail runs, it's fantastic fun to run (jog, walk) through the bush. With just Deb, or with a crowd of friendly trail runners.

This -- in the alternative interpretation -- explains most of those nervous facts. I am always nervous on the day before a fun run or trail run. Sleep and digestion are the main sufferers. Everything settles down once the run has begun.

This run in particular has potential to test my nerves. I have run a recent 12km fun run -- on level roads. This run will be on rough tracks, up and down steep hills. Today's trail run is nearly 13km. My recent training runs have been up to 6km. And I will be running on bush tracks -- well away from ambulances.

Should I warn the organisers that I am prone to falling over and frothing at the mouth ? Nooo... but I do mention that it's good to be back but I am even slower than before.

Pre-run nerves: a valid interpretation for most of my symptoms.

And yet... there is a third possible interpretation of some of those nervous facts: I am getting older. Wobbly as I stand up: older and with lifelong low blood pressure. Made worse by sitting still at a computer (or book) for hours on end. And age, which often seems to take away the ability to balance.

And then the headache leads to a fourth possible interpretation: imbalance of salt. On the way to the run I drink lots of water and I eat salty corn chips. I eat and drink as my body seems to indicate the need. My headache disappears.

"There are no facts, only interpretations." -- Friedrich Nietzsche

The facts are, that I could claim all sorts of minor problems and irritations. My interpretation is, that there are all sorts of causes, none being cancer. I am, right now, quite well :-)

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Oh, and I finished the trail run. Very tired but still moving. Slowly. Managed to beat perhaps two people !

Feeling very satisfied with my performance.

So glad to be able to run another trail run :-)

Dr Nick Lethbridge / Consulting Dexitroboper

...        Agamedes Consulting / Problems ? Solved

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"I've found that there's a reason for everything… I constantly make the wrong decisions." … Pardon my Planet

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Dying for you to read my blog, at https://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com.au/ :-)

snatches of dreams

The world is about to be destroyed, possibly by a giant meteor. Everyone is given a choice: stay on Earth until it is destroyed, or fly up to meet the meteor. I choose to fly up... Close up, the meteor looks like a rusty red rough spaceship... We are about to crash. I say to the person next to me, Duck down and shelter behind me. Dream ends.

Is this my dream interpretation of death by cancer ? After surgery, radiation and chemo I am given a choice: More chemo (with no expectation that it would do any good), or stop chemo. I choose to stop. Who was I sheltering? Perhaps it is Deb; I do want to protect her from after-effects of my death. As in the dream, a somewhat pointless effort ! Then, like all my dreams -- it ends before impact. Blatant optimism: in my dreams, I never crash :-)

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I have just left hospital after having a cut hand sealed up. Then I go back to the hospital because an even larger cut, on my other hand, needs to be fixed.

This is easy to interpret: I scratch both hands at orienteering, pushing through bush. The first is a simple scratch, it oozes blood rather than really bleeding. A bit later I think, That's funny, my other hand is sticky. I look at the hand... Lots of blood, seeping down from near my wrist ! Turns out that both "wounds" are minor scratches. The second is on a spot which bleeds more than the size of the scratch would suggest. Neither cut hurts but they are impressive enough to cause me to dream about them.

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I'm with a group of people who are being forced to have minor accidents. We fall over, or are pushed, nothing really serious. The people doing the pushing are gaining some benefit... even in the dream I don't know what it is. I escape -- to a place where the furniture is designed to fall apart when used. The idea is that whoever touches the furniture will fall over with the collapsing furniture. I, of course, collapse the furniture but don't fall over :-)

No idea of any meaning to the first part of this dream ! Unless I'm blaming all my problems on other people ? Ditto with the second part. With the extra bonus that, no matter what collapses -- I won't fall with it. More blind optimism :-)

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I do occasionally have flashes of fear of dying. Fear and disbelief. More often, I worry about the effect on Deb. Which does seem to indicate that I have enough disbelief to cover the actual fear :-)

Right now I *expect* that my next scans will be clear :-) On the other hand, I am also doing my best to organise tax, super & other finances so that they will be easy for Deb to manage.

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Most of my current problems and concerns are mental rather than physical. This is because I am physically quite well, which leaves more time for mental self-analysis.

Deb & I were on a rogaine at the end of last month. We walked 28km over the two days. We have been orienteering, where I travel further and sometimes faster than Deb, though Deb does better than me by finding all of her control points.

And we are back on a run training plan.

We have spent months "keeping fit" with regular runs. It is just not the same as having a *plan*. Also, getting a formal plan is (I think) a way for Deb to accept that life goes on, that what was good "bC" (before Cancer :-) is still, good. So we go back to Pat Carroll...

Pat Carroll definitely deserves a plug ! He provides a training plan to suit Deb's requirements, plus feedback. Plus a positive and supportive attitude, all the way. He also deserves an apology: Deb gets tailored training plans and I also use them, just with some adaptation to suit my own targets. I... used to... run further and faster on each training day. For me there is a major advantage: when Deb goes running, I go running; otherwise I am too lazy to train at all. So thank you Pat, from both of us !

Deb feels that she is ready for the regular training of a plan. With the extra "challenge" of a goal: the City to Surf. Following a plan builds our fitness... It also gives us confidence in our ability to complete the run. As soon as we receive the new training plan -- I feel a sudden increase in enthusiasm :-) Not just for the plan -- but for the decision to commit to a couple of months of regular training.

Interestingly enough: this City to Surf will be 12 months since I crashed out of last year's C2S. For some reason, Deb is a bit worried... As I tell her, it's not the running which will kill me. And it's nice to know that the ambulance support has been tested and found effective :-)

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And now for some

​shallow ​

philosophy:

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"Life is too important to be taken seriously." -- Oscar Wilde

Absolutely true !

​ If I spent all my life being serious, I would not enjoy it nearly as much. Though it's possible that some bosses would have enjoyed their lives a lot more :-)

Sometimes I do have to remind myself to lighten up. When I'm gloomy, Deb often bears the brunt of it. Sorry :-(​

​When I poke fun at the world -- and at myself -- it's because that's the best way to deal with life. Life is important. It deserves to be treated with good will, good humour -- and jokes. Good or bad :-)​

​​

"I bought some batteries, but they weren't included." -- Steven Wright

​ ... I have no idea what that means. But I think it's funny :-) ​

Dr Nick Lethbridge / Consulting Dexitroboper

...        Agamedes Consulting / Problems ? Solved

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"I've found that there's a reason for everything… I constantly make the wrong decisions." … Pardon my Planet

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Dying for you to read my blog, at https://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com.au/ :-)

happy in a holding pattern

I now have three accepted but contradictory ETDs.

First, the medical statistical view: I have a 50% chance of living past September this year. Having spent six months complaining & being treated & suffering treatment side-effects, that leaves a 50% chance of six more months to live. Six months ? Not enough time to plan or act on any good plans, so useless for all practical purposes.

So I set my planning horizon far enough ahead to allow for more interesting activities. I plan for a further three years, one calendar month and an indeterminate number of days. Since this is always based on "today", I can plan holidays and such anytime up to (as of today) August 2021. Plenty of time to enter the trail run across Cradle Mountain though perhaps not enough time to get fit enough for the run :-)

Then a friend told me that he had met a woman whose brother had brain cancer and survived for six years. So I accepted my friend's recommendation that I should plan to live for another six years. At least.

Now I have three, different, planning horizons. No worries ! With skillful use of double-think -- I accept them all :-) And hope that I will be equally accepting of whichever one proves to be closest to correct.

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On Friday, Deb & I take a drive in the country. Enjoying being out in the country and finding a few geocaches on the way. We stop for lunch in the small town of York.

Small town ? Small world ! Out of all the places we could have stopped for lunch -- in York we see, call out to, chat with a friend who is also just passing through York.

We met Sarah on a 28 day cruise to Antarctica. Speaking of which: that cruise was the most expensive holiday that we, Deb & I, have ever taken. Was it worth it ? Yes ! The cruise -- and the Antarctic experience -- were well worth the expense. (This blog was originally created for holidays; Antarctica is way down the page at January 2017.) Worth the expense ? Yes, but...

I worried about the cost of the trip. Then I collapsed and was diagnosed with cancer. For a few months the money spent on Antarctica had been, That's a fair chunk of our savings, I think our next holidays will be on the cheap. Now I see it as, Well worth the cost, no way we could go there now. One less thing to worry about :-)

Deb, Sarah & I chat, exchange news, part. Deb says to me, I wonder if Sarah noticed that you (ie me) are wearing the same shirt that you (yes, me) wore nearly every day on the Antarctic expedition...

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But I have now bought two new shirts ! Specially embroidered:

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That's my plan. To enjoy life -- with a brain scan every three months followed by another three months -- hopefully -- clear. I think it's sort of funny. I also, occasionally, need to remind myself to, enjoy.

Deb says, What if the scans become every *six* months ? Okay, I reply, I'll get new shirts... and next time, I'll remember to include the web address for this blog !

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Meanwhile... other friends and relations are falling ill. Strokes, heart problems, various cancers, you name it. A problem, I guess, with knowing so many people of about my own age :-) Still, it's difficult. As far as I can tell, I may be the healthiest person I know. Sure, mine is terminal -- eventually -- other than that I'm relatively fit and well.

I've said it before: I'm glad it's me with cancer, not Deb nor the kids. With all this blatant one-up-manship of diseases and treatments -- I'm even more pleased with my choice of diseases. So far... :-)

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"Things do not happen. Things are made to happen." -- John F. Kennedy

Have you noticed that my posts end with a quote ? I collect quotes that I like then occasionally change my email signature. There's usually no relevance to the specific email, it's just a quote I like. Or a quote which I feel is relevant to my life...

Kennedy, above, is half right. Things are made to happen ? Not -- as far as we currently know -- with my form of cancer. On the other hand, how I deal with it is very much something that I have "made to happen".

I could -- as some people do -- dedicate the rest of my life to discovering a cure for cancer. I'd rather donate to the Salvos :-) What I can do -- what I choose to do -- is to enjoy life. Neither more nor less than "pre-cancer". Perhaps, though, more consistently.

As far as anyone can tell, cancer did, just happen. How I deal with it is up to me. So I do my best :-)

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Currently I am in a holding pattern. As far as cancer is concerned that is. So, I decide, I will fill a few blog posts with deep and meaningful philosophy. (That's the section above, in case you didn't realise.) Then I start typing this post and -- surprise, surprise ! -- there are far more words that I expected. Nothing to report ? Doesn't stop my flow of words :-)

I may pad future posts with "philosophy" based loosely on quotes. I enjoy it :-) And this blog is still, essentially, for me.

Dr Nick Lethbridge / Consulting Dexitroboper

...        Agamedes Consulting / Problems ? Solved

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"What a trial it is to submit to the whim of fools." … Captain Trumane, The Waking Fire

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https://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com.au/