Not Dead Yet !: living it up

Last night I had a strange dream. (Is there any other type of dream ?! ) I was being chased by a mob of people who wanted to hurt me. (Possibly a subconscious combination of feeling threatened by cancer, and too much reading of violent fantasy novels.)

I reached shelter, knew I was safe. Deb was not there. Yet I knew -- with absolute certainty -- that Deb would soon join me there. (No need for me to interpret that, is there ?) The happy certainty stayed with me as I woke up.

There was someone else in the shelter... It was a house, the owner had let me in. The owner was a woman. No name, no image, just a perception of another, female, person in the same room as me. Helping me to hide from the mob. I woke up with an erection.

In the last couple of weeks there has been a minor improvement in the way my body works. Minor, but significant: regular, responsive, actual erections. They don't last long. I doubt they're useful for any practical purposes. Just a pleasant feeling plus smug satisfaction. Hey, I'm a bloke :-)

It's a combination, I believe, of both physical and emotional improvement. Doing more running, including the satisfaction of completing a trail run. Getting our tax sorted out, well before any deadline ! Planning a holiday -- on the assumption that my next MRI scan will be clear. All adding up to physical and emotional improvement.

On the other hand, I have done some very early pre-MRI worrying. What if the cancer is back ? What treatment will be recommended ? How long until I die ? I don't want to die !

"What treatment will be recommended ?" See ? I have no consideration that I will be "beyond" treatment. Basic blind optimism still rules. I push the worries (fears) aside and get on with life.

Here's my thinking: My tumour was in a relatively "safe" location, with just one known effect (collapsing in a fun run). If the tumour comes back in the same spot, it can be removed again. If it comes back in a different spot -- I'll take that as the cancer diagnosis from which I still have a 50% chance of living for another 12 months. No worries :-)

I still have times when I worry about dying. I tell myself, Nothing I can do about it so stop worrying. And it seems to work. Any moody, miserable complaints about life, the universe and everything -- are just me, being me. Just as bad as I have always been !

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Though I'm still trying to deal with one side-effect -- of the chemo drugs ? -- which seems to hang around: my digestion.

As far back as I can remember, I have been able to eat and successfully digest anything. (Except those suspicious mushrooms that I found under the lemon tree.) Now, I have occasional vague feelings of digestive unease. And, last week, a burst of overactive throughput.

The "unease" is easily explained and dealt with: nerves. Pre-run nerves. To a lesser extent, pre the exhaustion of toddler watching nerves. As soon as the activity starts, the unease disappears. Easy fix.

What about the burst of overactive throughput ? I'm guessing that it was something I ate... The symptoms match. It's just that I've had years with no such issue. Still... what did I eat ? I think of what I ate before the over-activity, and test. (Which is a bit nerve-wracking: eating something which may or may not cause digestive upset.)

I seem to have eliminated (ha ! unintentional pun ! ) rolled oats as the culprit. Whole milk seems safe. Meat pie is next, for lunch today. With nowhere I have to be in the afternoon... Willing to risk the symptoms but prefer to stay at home while testing :-)

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On a purely selfish note, this works for me:

It can be difficult to get Deb to say what she really wants to do. She prefers to do whatever it is that I want to do. Always has and it's even worse now. What I really want to do is, whatever will make Deb happy. (Well, okay, as long as it also makes me happy.)

That extends a bit further: if people around me, close to me, are happy -- and if I feel that I have helped -- I feel the happiness of a job well done. Even if I have nothing to do with other people's happiness -- other people's happiness still gives me a warm feeling.

And, to be brutal: I have one or three or six years in which to be happy. After that, I will not need any happy memories. It's other people who, I hope, will have happy memories.

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A friend replied to one of my emails with the comment that I "sound decidedly chipper". I do my best... I see no need to spread gloom to other people. Also, I've found that being constantly cheerful -- really annoys the heck out of other people :-)