quiet week

I still want the "experts" to agree on what aspect of cancer is most likely to kill me. Only so I can watch and analyse early symptoms.

having posted the thought, I put it aside and forgot what I had posted... very cathartic and effective.

I'm still feeling weak and very tired, but with no new cancer effects.

feeling well enough for regular Cafe outings with Deb, tho I sometimes I need to rest on the walk to the Cafe.

I've  had to miss my favourite weekly outings: taking grandson to swimming after school. just too many hills to walk. I'd take all day!

it's  been a week of no real change. unexciting but good. well, not bad...

I have had beaches (only3/10) on two days so there's a negative... which may be related to what will kill me

... or it's due to reading a lot...?!

http://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com
dying for you to read it :-)
...ranting  http://my3rs.blogspot.com

brain fading, typing blind
if this email is nonsense, pls guess or ask
ndependent Consulting dexitroboper



   

5. why post?

have I finally reached tho pint which took me to the keyboard?

I woke up.

thought how easy it will be to die.

ignore the cancer doc. she has said nothing about what will kill me. so I ignore her.

there is cancer in my brain stem.

this will make me more tired, weaker.

till I am so tired, so weak, that I die.

already, in the last days and weeks, I have felt more tired. weaker.

all completely painless.

so far, I am following the the surgeon's expectations. 

perhaps the oncologist believes that I will suddenly collapse in screaming agony? if she can't be bothered saying so then

... I'll  stay with the painless possibility.

meanwhile ... over years...

... friends and strangers have all died of "my" GBM.

one pop star had debilitating headaches before he was even diagnosed with GBM. I have no real headaches.

one wrote a book, collapsed in tears, tried ridiculous alternative treatments, died anyway,

I just take whatever treatments I'm told to take.

millions of people die of all sorts of things. thousands die of GBM.

And I just carry on. take the chemo. unexpectedly shrink the tumour.

... and get angry because two experts can't agree on my diagnosis.

I'm comfortable. I'm happy. enjoying life as it comes... as it lasts.

I'm  hoping that friends, family... anyone else, reading this blog or not

... I hope that you a re all well.

and for some reason

... I feel the absolute need to document that thought.

keep well! you lot  :-)

http://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com
dying for you to read it :-)
...ranting  http://my3rs.blogspot.com

brain fading, typing blind
if this email is nonsense, pls guess or ask
ndependent Consulting dexitroboper



   

4. 4. expert agreement

I sent an email to the oncologist.

asked he to send me an *email* when she and the surgeon agree on my diagnosis.

I think I can, now, understand why they disagree. not just because the oncologist  is an idiot.

now I'm annoyed at their disagreement. but not furious.

happy pills? doing no good whatsoever, as far as I can tell. but why should it improve my mood? the obstacle is still there, just lesser.

http://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com
dying for you to read it :-)
...ranting  http://my3rs.blogspot.com

brain fading, typing blind
if this email is nonsense, pls guess or ask
ndependent Consulting dexitroboper



   

3. angry? why?

this, I think, is the post which must be posted.

I may be just a few days from dying. and dying is so easy.

if depression is at one end of the road... there are several obstacles on that road. each of which makes me angry.

last night I wrote an email which, just by being written, has cleared one obstacle. hmm need yet another post!

http://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com
dying for you to read it :-)
...ranting  http://my3rs.blogspot.com

brain fading, typing blind
if this email is nonsense, pls guess or ask
ndependent Consulting dexitroboper



   

2. bad eyes

for some reason my new reading glasses really please me. well beyond the barely noticeable improvemen

t in vision.

and so now, when my vision is really playing funny buggers, it is really annoying.

hard to describe but well leave it at that! typos are too easy. I do a lot of proofreading and correcting.

http://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com
dying for you to read it :-)
...ranting  http://my3rs.blogspot.com

brain fading, typing blind
if this email is nonsense, pls guess or ask
ndependent Consulting dexitroboper



   

1. home alone

I wake up thinking, death is very close.

and very easy.

why am unworried by irrelevant matters?

I also have a feeling b that there is a full moon in the sky but I don't see it.

Full moon? no, no idea what that's about.

But the rest is just demanding to be documented.

over several posts, apparently.

so...

deb is meeting a friend for lunch today. will I be okay? deb wonders.

sure, I reassure deb. I could drop dead while you are out

... or I could drop dead while you are at home. no difference.

if I'm at home I could phone an ambulance, says deb. and I'd still be dead, I reply.

which all loads to, why does deb want me to keep my phone close to hand? so I can grab it and call for help, she says,

in which case the phone should be lying on the floor...so I can reach it if I'm stuck on the floor... again.

these are the conversations we have :-)

http://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com
dying for you to read it :-)
...ranting  http://my3rs.blogspot.com

brain fading, typing blind
if this email is nonsense, pls guess or ask
ndependent Consulting dexitroboper



   

deaf

Deb has just told me that the cancer doc has clearly and carefully explained why she disagrees with the brain surgeon. And that Deb has also told me that the information was passed on to me in our regular doctor-patient meetings.

So from the past few months this is all that remains:

Further, Deb tells me that she, Deb, has already explained all that to me.

... I have no idea what is happening.

... I'm getting deafer and hear nothing.

... the happy pills are completely useless.

brain fading, typing blind
If msg is nonsense pls -- guess or ask


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http://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com
dying for you to read it :-)

and ranting: My Three Rs

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