attitude

terminal cancer for seven years 

now it's killing me, schedule unknown. 

my attitude has been,  there is no cure.  I take the recommended treatment try to not let it get me down. accept,  cope, live each day as it comes. 

all very much in keeping with a mindfulness philosophy. 

now I read:

there are people who accept each day as it comes. 

others who refuse to accept that that is how it is. 

it's the refusers who change the world...

well bugger it...

I would rather change the world. 

truth is,  this comes from my self identification as a collapsed narcissist. 

don't worry what that really means... but it leads me to give advice. 

okay... no one wants advice

though feel free to ask me...

other people, mostly strangers,   will be getting my free, unwanted, advice, which they will ignore. I will feel a lot better for having given it :-)

test assured... I am not at all happy to have cancer. 

I continue the recommended,  only available,  treatment. with more complaints and anger and bad humour. 

will it affect this blog?  I have no idea... yet. 

probably not

... this is my cancer blog.  I expect my bad attitude to be more about life away from cancer. (a separate blog)

If all else fails -- get a bigger hammer


===

http://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com
dying for you to read it :-)

===

Dr Nick Lethbridge
Consulting Dexitroboper

   

puffy bloat

in the mirror I can see that my face and neck are fat and puffy. 

deb points out that my feet are also fat and puffy... strange. perhaps I need to walk somewhere? 

deb goes for a run at Bold Park, I take the walking frame and stroll... the ghost who walkers :-)

in an hour I stroll maybe 2 or 3 km

... but mess up the distance recording :-(

by the end,  I'm exhausted. 

so I guess it did me some good :-)

If all else fails -- get a bigger hammer


===

http://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com
dying for you to read it :-)

===

Dr Nick Lethbridge
Consulting Dexitroboper

   

gut news

inside info tells me that the CAT scan shows nothing nasty in my chest. 

that's good.  though it means that failure to take a deep breath is due to excess stomach. so not all good:-)

If all else fails -- get a bigger hammer


===

http://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com
dying for you to read it :-)

===

Dr Nick Lethbridge
Consulting Dexitroboper

   

awake

driven out of bed by minor cramps easily dealt with but I don't want more. bloody cramps... threat is worse, at preventing sleep .  than the actual cramp. 

so I move to the white lounge chair. comfortable enough for sleeping and, tonight, does not cause cramps. 

deb passes by, asks if I'm okay.  I am. except that I'd rather be in bed. 

sleep very very soundly. with Meatloaf playing very loudly-- in my mind. 

Woken by the sun rising. 

...

If all else fails -- get a bigger hammer


===

http://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com
dying for you to read it :-)

===

Dr Nick Lethbridge
Consulting Dexitroboper

   

peaceful arvo

Deb is at a sprint O event.

I prefer to sit at home, resting and relaxing.

my relaxation involves snoozing

.... while Meatloaf is playing rather loudly :-)

I've had a few mornings when I wake up not able to breathe deeply. not asthmatic panic gasping,  just can't seem to take a deep breath. 

Nothing new, I've had it on and off for years. 

my latest scan includes a CAT scan to reassure me that nothing nasty is growing in there. 

I suspect that the true cause is

... my stomach is so large that it crushes my lungs :-(

but it will be nice to know! 

we'll get the scan results next week. 

If all else fails -- get a bigger hammer


===

http://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com
dying for you to read it :-)

===

Dr Nick Lethbridge
Consulting Dexitroboper

   

lost in transit

okay, two hours ago it was still dark. 

I've been to the toilet, now going back to bed. 

down the passage. through the open door, turn right. follow three straight walls. to get round the room. 

I wake Deb, what's the matter?  she asks. 

I'm lost. 

trying to find a rectangular bed in a rectangular room. 

deb turns on a light so I can see that I have at least reached the foot of the bed. in the dark i have no idea where I am. 

I need to know exactly where I am at every step of the way. so I can picture, remember where to go next. 

I fail to concentrate at the, through the door, turn right.  after that I lose track of my location so I lose track of where to go. 

it's the same in daylight, I need to always track where I go. though daylight asks me to look round, look for clues to relocate. if in in a familiar location. 

If all else fails -- get a bigger hammer


===

http://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com
dying for you to read it :-)

===

Dr Nick Lethbridge
Consulting Dexitroboper

   

label me

an article on identification of a certain dangerous type of person. I read it and think,  yes,  this could explain some domestic violence

then I realise

... this is me! 

I am a "collapsed narcissist". 

without the violence,  I hope. 

if this self diagnosis causes changes in my behaviour,  and it should, I may explain it. or not :-)

what I should do, but won't,  is to fight for a clear diagnosis as a collapsed narcissist.  then

demand huge amounts of NDIS funding in order to get the best possible quality of life for me as a collapsed narcissist.

that seems to be the accepted NDIS rort.

If all else fails -- get a bigger hammer


===

http://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com
dying for you to read it :-)

===

Dr Nick Lethbridge
Consulting Dexitroboper

   

any effect?

my GBM is established in my brain stem. killing me slowly and quietly. 

chemo every three weeks may be slowing the inevitable. 

I had an MRI this morning to check progress (or lack of:-). won't know the results till we see the cancer doc in a week or so. 

poor Deb,  I asked if she could wait for me

... she waited an hour and a half,  I'm not sure why but it all seemed to take a lot longer than usual. 

I also had a CT chest scan. I just want reassurance that nothing nasty has grown since my last PET scan a a year or so ago. 

knowing that deb was sitting in the waiting room was both a worry -- and a comfort. 

then we had lunch at floreat kiosk. always okay food and we love the "ambience"

If all else fails -- get a bigger hammer


===

http://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com
dying for you to read it :-)

===

Dr Nick Lethbridge
Consulting Dexitroboper

   

bed question

deb asks the silver chain nurse,

when should we get a hospital-style bed? one that can be lowered?

i had not realised it was a consideration

... but it's a good one.

answer: when i have trouble getting out of bed....

on my way to bed i drink several large glasses of water

... to resist leg cramps ...it works.

i wake up to pee -- but no calf cramps. phew.

getting out of our rather high bed begins with throwing my legs up and off the bed -- a sure way to set off leg cramps.

i had only considered height and balance.

ditto getting up off my "sleeping" couch, it's quite high.

i'll spend the rest of the night on another, sitting, couch. it's lower, a bit easier to get out of... i hope :-)

while wandering,

i rinse my mouth with salt water.

that's me -- actually taking advice, amazing!, against sore mouth.

so far it feels good. see how the mouth feels tomorrow.

If all else fails -- get a bigger hammer


===

http://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com
dying for you to read it :-)

===

Dr Nick Lethbridge
Consulting Dexitroboper

   

crosswords

im having trouble with the daily (simple) crosswords.

get started, get stuck, get frustrated and give up.

im awake, so i look again at today's crossword.

find that ive written answers in the wrong spaces. dratted bad vision :-(

start again. its all easy, now done.

If all else fails -- get a bigger hammer


===

http://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com
dying for you to read it :-)

===

Dr Nick Lethbridge
Consulting Dexitroboper

   

picnic

mouth hurts. enough to slow but not stop eating.

typical night. woken by calf cramps. get up, drink lots of water, fixes the cramps then woken by the need to pee.

today, tues, we go for a picnic.

deb decides on a lookout beyond walyunga. it will give the truck a drive in the country. normally we would drive, run, picnic. today, no run.

the truck battery is flat. oh well, we take the little red, city, car. no worries.

the lookout is brilliant. a view across bush to another walyunga hill. absolute isolation, not another person in sight.

since i lost half my vision i prefer to pee sitting down, no need to watch if i am peeing into bowl or floor.

no toilet here so i stand, line up carefully and splash onto rocks.

yes, i pee onto the rocks. look more carefully and finally see that i am also peeing all over my hand and shorts.

oh well.

i remember the peace and bush isolation of my childhood. flatter so with less view than todays lookout. but no people. pity we cant live at the walyunga lookout.

i like our house. i am never comfortble with the surrounding houses, streets, people.

oh well. too old, too late, too bad.

If all else fails -- get a bigger hammer


===

http://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com
dying for you to read it :-)

===

Dr Nick Lethbridge
Consulting Dexitroboper

   

happy new year 2025 :-)

i can hear distant banging of fireworks.

if interested, i could get up, scan the horizon, probably see some. perth? claremont?

we have lots of flat horizon.

but no...

fireworks are for lighting, not distant watching.

 as a kid i once burnt off my eyebrows. oops, but fun.

i just listen

happy new year :-)

have a great 2025.

If all else fails -- get a bigger hammer


===

http://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com
dying for you to read it :-)

===

Dr Nick Lethbridge
Consulting Dexitroboper