Not Dead Yet !: how to use a suppository

I spent an hour or two tonight, testing & learning how to use a suppository. Do you want to know how to do it? Don't bother reading what I have learnt.

On Friday I finished five days of chemo, five days of swallowing chemo tablets. I balanced the "nausea" side-effect with a daily "anti-nausea" tablet. Instead of being sick -- vomiting -- I now have constipation. So, out with the constipation-curing suppository.

Bring out "the bum bomb"!

It's simple to use: shove it up my backside and wait.

So...

Have you ever shoved something up your backside? (Truth to tell -- I do not want to know your answer.) All that I have ever shoved up my backside is the very occasional bum bomb. Which is a little longer and a little thinner than the last knuckle of my little finger. Small and slippery.

So... shove it up my backside.

Just where is my backside? Okay, I know the one that I can usually find with both hands, even with my eyes closed. But what I need is the anus, the opening. It's in there somewhere, in the crack of my bum... Ah, that's it. Shove in the bum bomb...

And here I learn an important lesson of constipation: constipation comes in two parts. (a) A solid lump which will not go out and (b) a tightly clenched anus which will not let it out.

Along with (b) is the tightly clenched anus which resists the insertion of the bum bomb.

Still... I find the anus. Line up the bum bomb. Get it started. And... push! Slowly but steadily. carefully. And... finally... the bum bomb is inserted.

I should mention: The bum bomb is the consistency of firm jelly. Not quite as firm as a jellybaby. As I push, the bomb tends to bend. Let it bend too far -- and it just lies flat along the base of the bum crack. I know, I did this several times.

Anyway... the suppository is finally inserted. I relax. Will it work?

Two minutes later I have the urgent need to go to the toilet... I sit, I shit... except that I don't really shit. What comes out is the almost intact bum bomb. I leave it sitting in the toilet bowl.

Fail number one.

Meanwhile, Deb has searched the internet for instructions. She reads them out to me. This is not something that Deb wants to watch... I wait till she goes to bed, then follow the instructions:

Lie on my left side, left leg straight out.

Raise right knee. Insert bum bomb. For some reason, it stings ! Never done that before... Oh well, grin and bare it and bear it...

Maintain position. Have you ever tried to lie down with one knee stuck up in the air? I try leaning the knee against a sofa. That works, for about a minute. I'm struggling, the knee is uncomfortable, the whole leg is under strain. I manage to maintain position until...

Until I have the desperate urge to go to the toilet.

And -- you guessed it! -- what comes out is bum bomb! Or, at least, what's left of it, which is not much. When I wipe my backside there is, indeed, a smear of poo. Better than nothing! There is also a smear of blood. It's time to give up.

Fail number two.

I go to bed.

But can't sleep. So I get up and write this post. And wonder if I'll try another bum bomb -- or something else -- tomorrow.

It's been... interesting. I've learnt something about how to insert a suppository. Or, rather, I've learnt a few things which do not work :-)

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DrT -- the oncologist -- refers to "nausea" and "anti-nausea". In practical terms the choice seems to be, vomit each morning or suffer constipation towards the end of the week. I may just go back to vomit... at least it ends comfortably.

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Apart from that -- it's been a good week :-) Well, okay, my stomach did not want food but did not reject it, either. I slept for most of 48 hours at the end of the week. But that's the end of chemo for another three weeks.

This (Saturday) afternoon I went orienteering, a short course. I went with Deb's sister, for the good company and... as reassurance, just in case I collapsed, which I did not :-) In fact, I felt better for having walked the 2km course.

Now it's time to go back to bed and hope that the constipation sorts itself out. I don't want to be like the constipated mathematician (yes, I know it's an old joke): he worked it out with paper and pencil...

Dr Nick Lethbridge / Consulting Dexitroboper

... Agamedes Consulting / Problems ? Solved

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