good, bad and irrelevant

yesterday: i'm in bed between two women... oh, okay, it's a dream. a pleasant dream... it's a dream which indicates that i am feeling quite well, getting better. it's another month till my next scans, so, another month of feeling better.

though i have already noticed an early touch of "scan worry". i've been "well" for so long that i now worry that if/when there is bad news, it will hit me hard. which is a ridiculous worry, really. but not to worry, the whole situation is ridiculous :-)

===

i wake up 3 or 4 times each night, that's just an old man thing. i usually wake up from a dream. i then go back to sleep quite quickly, so i forget most of the dreams. though i sometimes have a memory that i did dream. here's one that sticks in my mind. highlights stick in my mind:

i'm at a business meeting, no idea what we're discussing. i have no clear view of the man i'm talking with. he mentions kotlin -- that's the language that i'm trying to learn, to write a phone app. i think, i must ask him about kotlin... but i don't get a chance.

(that bit of the dream needs no explanation... i have kotlin on my mind and i could do with some help but there is none available.)

a woman joins the meeting then we take a break. i walk around the city block, there are lots of vacant blocks. i lose track of the building where we are meeting but it's okay, i still have the bit of paper with the address written on it.

back at the meeting and i notice that the woman is now a man with a beard. i'm pleased -- in the dream -- to have noticed the change.

(when i'm awake i can be talking to a relative stranger, turn away, turn back, and not be sure that i'm talking to the same person. actually noticing that the woman is now a man is something to be pleased about.)

then we break for lunch. the meal -- spag bol -- looks good. it's on the table. i do think, in the dream, that it would be more convenient if the food was on plates rather than directly on the table.

(no, i don't wake up hungry. perhaps the spag bol is my mind striving to untangle the complexity of dealing with life and potential death. nah, i think it's just a weird dream.)

so why am i typing this now? is half past one a.m.

i woke up suddenly, with a burning in my throat. acid reflux? is that a thing? at the base of the throat without any pain between there and my stomach? i'll read up on it...

it's a painful way to wake up :-( i immediately think, cancer is destroying my digestive system. i do a lot of that, wondering if some odd feeling is a symptom of cancer. last night, for example, i have a bit of a headache... what, me worry?! oh yes.

consciously, i know that old age is having its effects. not everything is cancer. i know that. deb knows that. but...

deb and i are sitting in a coffee shop. i walk off, check out a nearby shop. step out of the shop -- and it takes me a minute or two to work out where the coffee shop is. usually i watch where i walk, this time i have just looked at the shop i am walking to. it takes me several minutes to restore my usual sense of direction, my ability to point exactly towards home.

i tell deb. you're not having another seizure, are you? deb is worried.

really, we are both getting an early start on the pre-scan worries. dang.

Nick Lethbridge  /  consulting dexitroboper
===
"A bird sitting on a tree is never afraid of the branch breaking because its trust is not in the branch, but in its own wings." … unknown
===
   

physically fine

I am feeling very well. Very well indeed :-)  Six months with no treatment and I can feel the difference. Differences:

The soles of my feet are still tingly and numb but sensitive -- no, makes no sense to me, either -- with occasional extreme itchiness. It hurts to walk on a rough surface. The sensitivity and itching seems to have focussed on my right foot, especially the toes. My left sole just tingles. This -- I believe is "peripheral neuropathy" -- nerve damage at the extremities due to the chemo drugs.

I visit the GP. I'm there for a measles jab in one arm, flu jab in the other. No side effects except tiredness over the next few days. Which could well be related to the 12km trail run on Sunday. The jabs are what you do when a daughter is having a baby and tells you to get immunised... Heh! a new granddaughter :-)

Anyway, the GP says that neuropathy takes a very long time to fade away. Possibly (she mumbles) never.

My hands, however, are a lot better. Possibly as good as new, for my age :-) No tingling, no excessive sensitivity. I can turn on taps without it hurting. So that's good.

One peripheral that was affected -- that I have not mentioned before -- is my penis. Definite loss of sensitivity at the tip -- when I pee, I don't feel the final flow. That, too, is back to normal sensitivity. When I pee I can feel that I am peeing. Including the final bit of the flow. It's quite reassuring to not have to look.

No matter how open I claim to be in this blog -- some things do get ignored. Yes, it is embarrassing. No, you can't test the sensitivity. Well... maybe :-)  That's another embarrassing topic:

It may be the return of sensitivity. More likely it's my increasing feeling of good health. Whatever... I am thinking of sex.

For a few months, probably more, sex was just a pleasant thought, wouldn't it be nice, with no visceral response. No, Whoa! I'd like a bit of that! Now the interest is returning. Maybe not a full Rowr! but at least an interested Wuff!

For a while I suffered extreme but short-lived itchiness on various and varying parts of my body. Some were definitely unnatural, I blame them on chemo. Others were due to chafing -- from running -- and have been cleared with careful use of Vaseline.

My hair has grown back. It all fell out before March. It has now grown back, slowly. There is still age-related thinness and balding at the back. Plus an almost bald area where the radiation went in. But I have enough hair that I have had it cut. Trying to make it tidy. Very difficult, with the bald patches.

My digestion is back to where it should be though not to where it was. I can eat what I like, no problems. My taste buds appreciate what they always have. Digestion works well but the poo is softer and a bit more often than it used to be.

The incredible farting machine of June to August has slowed down. Sure I still fart but it is no longer thunderous, no longer continuous. I no longer -- as far as I know -- spend all night farting in my sleep. I'm sure that Deb is pleased.

At 85kg I'm still almost 15kg above where I would like to be. Above my "target running weight". That's okay. It's not much worse that the ten years I spent at more than 5kg above... I'm no good at avoiding good cooking :-)

For a year or so I had trouble standing up. That is, from sitting on the floor to standing up was slow and difficult. In the last month it has become noticeably easier. Repeated sitting-to-standing is an essential skill when playing with a young grandson.

For a few months I could not close my eyes -- while standing -- without feeling that I could fall over. I am now much more stable. I can even -- almost always -- stand on one foot while drying the other.

The GP also worries about my heart. My brother had clogged arteries, chemo can cause heart problems. So the GP sends me to have an ultrasound scan of my heart. That was today.

Informally, the scan technician suggests that it all looks okay. I'll get the formal result from the GP, in a couple of weeks. Pfft! I don't mess around with something as ordinary as a dodgy heart :-)

All up, the last few months has seen a vast improvement in my physical health and well-being. Some of it is a result of more regular running. The regular running is possible because I feel, physically, better. It's a positive feedback loop.

So far, so good :-)

Dr Nick Lethbridge / Consulting Dexitroboper

...        Agamedes Consulting / Problems ? Solved

===

"Experience is the comb life gives you once  you're bald" … per Ginger Meggs

===

Dying for you to read my blog, at https://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com.au/ :-)

snakes and languages

I'm dreaming that I run a small zoo. Less a zoo... more a few cages with animals. Several people are admiring the animals.

I arrive with a snake. A large snake, possibly a python, longer than me, as thick as my arm. (What do you mean, "phallic symbolism"?) I'm wondering which cage to put the snake in.

We look at one cage which has lots and lots of small bats. A quick flash of snake eating all the bats... nooo... not that cage.

There are now three or four of us holding the snake. It writhes, strongly. We manage to hold on. We look at another cage, a cage made of cloth mesh:

A quick flash of the shake pushing against the mesh. Trying to get in. Trying again, a large snake, pushing to get in... End of dream. (No, I definitely cannot see any phallic symbolism.)

I can't see any hidden meaning in that dream. It's just one that I remember...

===

So when I'm awake I'm trying to learn a new language, a coding language for writing mobile phone apps. It's a challenge.

I'm following two instruction manuals. One gives instructions that work but there's no explanation of what it all means. The other explains what it all means but the instructions don't work. Finally... I combine the two and get an "if" statement to actually work. Perhaps I can get the language to work!

And here's the funny thing:

I have the general attitude that yes, I will die, sooner than expected, due to *un*natural causes. I accept this and live with it. (Till I don't, of course.) Timing is unimportant: when it happens, it happens.

Then I get an "if" statement to work. I think, perhaps I *can* finish my app -- given enough time. And I have the strangest feeling: Suddenly, I have something that I want to *finish*. It will take time, lots of time.

There's a sudden and noticeable shift. My attitude was, I'll live till I die -- and do what I can before then. Now I feel, I'll live till I die -- and I hope that it is long enough to finish my app.

Dang! That leaves a lot to learn before I'm ready to die.

Dr Nick Lethbridge / Consulting Dexitroboper

...        Agamedes Consulting / Problems ? Solved

===

"Experience is the comb life gives you once  you're bald" … per Ginger Meggs

===

Dying for you to read my blog, at https://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com.au/ :-)

lining up the scans

I'm setting up dates for my next set of scans. By which I mean, I send an email to the medical secretary and ask her to schedule my next scans. They won't happen till late January next year but I want to order early, before the Christmas rush.

I now have a date and time for an MRI, the head scan. A date to see the cancer doc, a few days after the MRI. And waiting on the PET scan appointment to be set.

I've said it before, that the PET scan worries me less than the MRI. Rather, the PET *results* worry me less than the MRI *results*. I have this understanding that the testicular cancer won't kill me, the brain cancer will.

On the other hand... the testicular cancer has spread, the chemo to treat it was long and unpleasant. Still, I have been assured that testicular cancer is treatable and rarely fatal. So I worry less.

I have now confirmed the MRI scan plus a doctor's appointment. The PET scan will be whenever, doesn't matter. I'm happy to go back to reading the paper.

I read the opinion and bias that has replaced actual news. Reach the obituaries... I like to read the obituaries.

No, it's not a morbid fascination with dead people. I find that I am amazed by the people who *lived*, who did amazing things -- and I never even heard of them while they were alive. Today:

The obituary is of an American. Less interesting than reading about a local. (Or ex-local?) This now-dead person turned the snowboard idea into a commercial success. Interesting... but this is what catches my attention: This man dies, relatively young, of "complications stemming from a relapse of testicular cancer." What?! Should I be worried?!

Well, I decide, no more than before. Nothing has changed, I have still had the most appropriate treatment. I expect my brain to -- eventually -- kill me. If my balls put in a sneak attack, it's no worse.

In the words of the well-known philosopher: "What, me worry?"

===

This is something for my next appointment with the cancer doc: What is her attitude to euthanasia?

Not that I want it. Not that I am considering it. But I strongly support the right for a person to kill themselves. I'm interested in the doc's views. Partly interest. Partly, just in case.

===

A friend and I were having a bit of a rant. The sort where we list the woes of the world and how we would deal with them. (Suggestion: better not make me absolute dictator for life.) The friend suggested that I could rant to my ranting blog... I've not touched it for months. Years, even.

Just had a funny thought: This blog is to get cancerous thoughts off my mind. My ranting blog is to unburden my mind of despair at the stupidity of the world. Different scopes of concern but the same personal benefits.

Anyway. This morning I read the paper. There is *so much* stupidity, so much cupidity -- I rush to my ranting blog. I also rush off a letter to the editor.

Aaaaahhhh... Now I feel better :-)

Dr Nick Lethbridge / Consulting Dexitroboper

...        Agamedes Consulting / Problems ? Solved

===

"Choice, not chance, determines your destiny" … Aristotle

===

Dying for you to read my blog, at https://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com.au/ :-)

Easy dreamer

I do have a lot of dreams. Most are irrelevant to this blog... as is today's, but I like it. So, my blog, my dream :-)

Most dreams fade as soon as I wake up. This one, I try to remember... then forgot it... but it comes back to mind, days later.

I'm learning a new programming language. (This is reality, the relevance to the dream will soon be clear.) I'm at the language learning stage where I'm thinking, Good grief! so many bits and pieces, how will I ever get anything clear in my mind?! And the dream:

I have a large bundle of feathers. Hundreds of them, all exactly the same. All brown with a touch of white, though that is probably unimportant. I'm looking at these feathers... My task is, to put them all together to reconstruct the original bird.

Even as I wake up, the dream "meaning" is pretty obvious. In fact, even in the dream I'm thinking, Each feather is a line of code...

An easy dream to interpret! But I like it :-)

Dr Nick Lethbridge / Consulting Dexitroboper

...        Agamedes Consulting / Problems ? Solved

===

"Choice, not chance, determines your destiny" … Aristotle

===

Dying for you to read my blog, at https://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com.au/ :-)

active x 2

It's a physically active weekend, with orienteering on Saturday and a training run on Sunday...

I'm looking forward to orienteering. Despite the weather -- a stinking hot day. By the time the event starts it's cooler though still muggy.

Deb & I start together then, after a first control, go our separate ways. I find a second control -- with difficulty. Then a third -- by accident, it was not the one I was looking for. I scrunch up the map in disgust and return to the assembly area.

Thinking about it later: my mind is not on what I'm doing. I think that I'm looking for control #28 -- but that's the one that I've already found. I finally -- accidentally -- find #8, think it must be a mis-numbered #28 but... I really wanted #2. Time to give up.

No, it's not a cancer-riddled brain... though that thought crosses what's left of my mind. Heck, one cancer scare and every headache or loss of mental capacity has me worried.

I actually do worry, enough to spend some time working out what I did, where I went wrong. And I realise it is just a complete lack of concentration. Ah well, not a problem but not as active a Saturday as intended.

===

Sunday is 90 minutes of jogging. As I start, my mind starts to close down... You know that feeling in, for example, a boring meeting: your eyes start to close, you know that if you let them close, you will be fast asleep? It's that sort of feeling. I don't close my eyes, I do slow down.

This actually worries me. The first symptom of brain cancer -- for me -- was gaps in my perception of reality. ie I ran but was unconscious. Or, possibly, amnesiac. Is this sleepiness dangerously similar?

I begin my "VSE"-- visual surveillance of my environment. I think, What should I see up ahead? What have I just passed? ... I'm checking that my consciousness is continuous.

No worries. I eventually -- after 20 minutes jogging -- feel fully awake. I still go slowly -- just in case -- with quite a lot of walking. Mind you, I cover about as much distance as my usual distance for ninety minutes... which shows how slowly I jog :-)

===

It's funny what does worry me.

I still have the occasional flash of, I'm gonna die! Perhaps once every two or three weeks, I'm hit by remembrance of my shorter-than-expected expected life-span. I have 5 or 10 seconds of worry, even fear. Then I put it aside and carry on. No worries.

After quite a few months of "all clear", I have a flash of a different worry: I am *not* expecting to die. I am quite close to "normal" thinking, where death is a remote thing which could, possibly, happen to other people. And this worries me:

I try to tread the straight-and-narrow path of acceptance. I take the essential treatments. Accept that my cancer is terminal. Don't let it rule my life. When I lose that acceptance of *terminal* cancer -- I slip off that narrow path. So?

So if/when I get a fresh diagnosis of, It's back -- I don't want to be horribly surprised. I'm worried that I am slipping from acceptance to denial... that I will be shocked when the cancer returns.

While I'm still all clear, Deb & I are having a good time. Glad to be alive  lol. I want a smooth transition to the next stage of my adventure, the timing is indeterminate but the fact is predetermined. So I worry when I find that I am slipping into disbelief: the transition will be (I guess) less smooth.

Good grief! I'm worried that I am not worried :-)

===

In other activity: my phone app is (a) complete and (b) so limited that it's not worth continuing...

I'm using a coding language which is simple to use but I have (I believe) reached the limits of what it can do. So I'm learning another language and -- good grief again.

It's a whole new world. Took me a week or more to get the Android emulator to work -- so I can see what the code is doing. But I have had the code tell me, Hello World! That was by following a very detailed tutorial -- which I only half understood. Then I managed -- all by myself -- to get my Android app to say, Hello Nick :-)

===

In between languages, I suffered boredom. With its attendant depression. There's nothing worth doing I want to do, I think. It's essential that I keep my mind entertained. Either switched off -- with PC gaming or reading a book. Or busy -- with programming.

I now have a goal, to recode my existing app into this new language. I tried to transfer the old program directly into the new, there were incomprehensible errors. Libraries missing. I have no idea...

So coding my phone app in this new language is my new -- mental -- goal. And it's slightly less feasible than my physical goal, to run over Cradle Mountain. Both goals keep me entertained. Challenged. And happy.

Physical challenge. Mental challenge. Emotional straight-and-narrow path of acceptance. Not to forget family & friends :-)

All good, no worries.

Dr Nick Lethbridge / Consulting Dexitroboper

...        Agamedes Consulting / Problems ? Solved

===

"Choice, not chance, determines your destiny" … Aristotle

===

Dying for you to read my blog, at https://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com.au/ :-)

an-alogy

Phew! what a way to spend a Sunday morning -- jogging for 90 minutes in Kings Park. Then -- when I misjudge where I am -- jogging quite fast for another ten minutes, to get back to where Deb & I are to finish.

Okay, enough bragging :-)  Anyway... Deb also runs 90 minutes in Kings Park. My deal is not so great. Though it does give me time for thinking, and I think of an analogy:

Friendship is like a hedge between properties. Both neighbours water the hedge, prune it, occasionally replant a bit. Both neighbours occasionally feed the hedge with manure. And the hedge thrives and grows strong.

Just like friendship: two sides providing water, pruning, replanting and occasional manure. Brilliant, eh?

Then I go and add more significance, greater breadth of analogy, do the whole thing to death. I won't go into detail, just believe me, it's a great analogy. And it's a long ninety minutes.

===

At the swimming pool with our grandson I confirm something: My feet may be numb but they are also sensitive.

My toes have lost some sensitivity. Then, when I climb up and down a ladder -- in and out of the pool -- ouch! it hurts! Those narrow metal rungs push painfully onto the soles of me feet.

Not to worry. I struggle manfully up and down the ladder. Never complaining. After all, Deb is other on other side of the pool, she wouldn't hear me, so no use complaining, drat :-)

Dr Nick Lethbridge / Consulting Dexitroboper

...        Agamedes Consulting / Problems ? Solved

===

"Choice, not chance, determines your destiny" … Aristotle

===

Dying for you to read my blog, at https://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com.au/ :-)

age and decrepitude

In the following story, names have been changed to protect the identity of "Granpop". I am definitely *not* referred to as Granpop.

It's a solid day of minding the grandchild. Deb starts the day while "Granpop" stays at home. Doing whatever it is that keeps him busy at home. Several hours pass.

It's time for the toddler swimming lesson. "Granpop" joins Deb & the boy at the swimming pool. "Granpop's" role is -- after the formal lesson -- to splash in the pool with the boy. Not the best role, since "Granpop" is uncomfortable in water. He outright refuses to slide the slide into the pool. Still, it's an enjoyable hour.

Back home again. The boy has a brief nap. "Granpop" sits down -- and falls asleep. And sleeps for three or four hours.

"Do you enjoy it when "Granpop" looks after you?"

"Oh yes, it's great. Granpop sleeps and I do what I want." (Toddlers don't understand the role of quote marks.)

Luckily Deb is there to, as usual, do the heavy lifting. "Granpop" (no, definitely not my name) sleeps on, regardless.

Dr Nick Lethbridge / Consulting Dexitroboper

...        Agamedes Consulting / Problems ? Solved

===

"Choice, not chance, determines your destiny" … Aristotle

===

Dying for you to read my blog, at https://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com.au/ :-)

health and fitness

First up: I'm healthy. Sure, my cancer will be back -- but not right now. Meanwhile: no treatment, no obvious symptoms, no worries. Which leads to an interesting observation:

For years I had practical experience of how difficult it is to gain fitness. Now I realise that it is even harder to *re*gain fitness.

Deb and I are back on a running training plan. We get out every couple of days to do some running (jogging) or some interval training (aka fartlek, but not in a polite blog). Running is running but the intervals take us back to well-remembered training of several years ago. Hills, for example:

We jog round to warm up, do some "dynamic stretching", then tackle the hill. It's just 30 seconds up, jog down, repeat 15 times. We've done it all before.

I jog up for 30 seconds and can see the point on the hill that I would aim for in the past -- and am 5 or more metres short.

That's the problem with *re*training: I can see just how less fit I am, this time round.

I remind myself: it took 25 years to get from desk jockey to marathon runner. Under the effects of treatment I slipped back to -- so it seems -- as unfit as I was as an unexercised desk jockey. I'm regaining fitness faster than I gained it, first time round.

But I can still see that mark -- still further up the hill -- that I could reach, just a few years ago.

Oh well. My target is still to run Cradle Mountain. Meanwhile I have a new, intermediate goal: to consistently reach that mark on the hill. The one which was attainable just three years ago. Onward and, hopefully, upward :-)

===

On a less promising note: I do seem to have a nervous rash. A localised itch which comes and -- quite quickly -- goes. Usually I just scratch it then ignore it. Though I have applied anti-fungal cream and, before running, vaseline. The itch is mostly gone. Except:

After a social dinner with 100 or so nice people, I come home and start itching. I look and the itchy area and it is red. Within ten minutes the red has trebled in area -- and minor bumps, blister-like bumps, have joined the red. Within twenty minutes the whole lot is gone.

The dinner was fine, the company is pleasant, I just don't enjoy crowds. I blame the itch on after-effects of chemo. But I now add, exacerbated by stress, to the cause. Which is really disappointing, since I refuse to stress.

I need to practice my stress avoidance. When that is not possible, I'll simply stop stressing. It's worked in the past. Time to brush up on my current non-stressing.

Dr Nick Lethbridge / Consulting Dexitroboper

...        Agamedes Consulting / Problems ? Solved

===

"Choice, not chance, determines your destiny" … Aristotle

===

Dying for you to read my blog, at https://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com.au/ :-)