trail running

We're up this morning at 4am... to run a trail run: steep, rocky, good fun ... except for the early start. Deb an I both run the 6km trail. Deb beats me by "only" 20 minutes :-)

My lungs do their usual: slightly asthmatic at the start but soon clear. My legs complain! 

As soon as the cancer doc asks, do I have any symptoms -- I feel muzzy and headachy. But nothing while running, so... it's imaginary symptoms :-) Good.

Dr Nick Lethbridge / Consulting Dexitroboper

...        Agamedes Consulting / Problems ? Solved

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"Life's tough. It's even tougher when you're stupid." ... probably not John Wayne

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Dying for you to read my blog, at https://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com/ :-)

can't say I'm happy !

I can't say that I'm happy with the latest scan results :-(

Still... it just makes the future feel a little bit sooner. But still unknown.

It's nothing that should make me miserable, nothing that should stop me joking about it... I've told Deb that if I get miserable, or if I stop joking about my brain... Then Deb is to remind me to snap out of it. So. All sorted :-)

Dr Nick Lethbridge / Consulting Dexitroboper

...        Agamedes Consulting / Problems ? Solved

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"Life's tough. It's even tougher when you're stupid." ... probably not John Wayne

===

Dying for you to read my blog, at https://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com/ :-)

inconclusive but not good

My latest MRI shows... something.

Can't tell what it is (it's inside my skull) but it's probably bad. The smart money is on... cancer.

Last year the scan shadow was "radiation necrosis". This time we're even further past the radiation so radiation necrosis is even less likely. Which leaves, cancer.

So now what?

Wait six weeks :-)

Then I'll have another scan. Get (I think) a clearer picture. Also see if the shadow has grown. If it has... then we consider more chemo, more radiation, possibly more surgery.

The most likely -- if the betting is still on cancer -- is chemo.

Sure, I've reached the limit of its effectiveness. But that was years ago, perhaps a fresh dose will be effective. Chemo is the least likely to have nasty side-effects... Last time it was (as far as I remember) just "nausea". Nausea is the doc's word for a morning of chunder :-(

Anyway. all that will be after the next scan. Meanwhile, I'll update my t-shirts: Enjoy life -- six weeks at a time :-)

Dr Nick Lethbridge / Consulting Dexitroboper

...        Agamedes Consulting / Problems ? Solved

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"Life's tough. It's even tougher when you're stupid." ... probably not John Wayne

===

Dying for you to read my blog, at https://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com/ :-)

betting and waiting

I'm still waiting on the results of my latest scan. So, a bit tense. Otherwise, all is good.

There's a card night: we gather every few months to play poker and to compare notes on getting older. It's a very social card school !

I worry that I will not be able to see the cards (no worries). I worry that I will fall asleep very early (not quite).

I can see the cards but -- when there's a group of them it's an effort to see them all. It doesn't seem to affect my game skills. I still lose... 

An enjoyable social evening :-)

Dr Nick Lethbridge / Consulting Dexitroboper

...        Agamedes Consulting / Problems ? Solved

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"Life's tough. It's even tougher when you're stupid." ... probably not John Wayne

===

Dying for you to read my blog, at https://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com/ :-)

scan done

It's the sort of day when you want to run early -- before it gets too hot. Which works well, I have to be ready for a mid-morning scan.

The nurse? technician? takes me to the scan zone.

I tell her, I tend to faint, I'll let you know if I feel groggy.

No worries, she says. I lie down. Hold out my arm.

I'll just look, she says, and wham! the cannula is inserted!

Sure, it hurt a bit, it always does but that's no worry. It's not pain that worries me... Today I have no time to worry :-)

Next stage, I lie down and the "bed" rolls me into the scanner. Less than half an hour and it's all done.

I like the MRI (except for the need for a cannula). Having an MRI scan is like sleeping in a metal-workers' shop. Roaring, thumping, beeping... With an MRI -- you really know that something is happening :-)

 And that's it.

No results yet, that will be next week. And yet... I already feel better. Stupid, really. But the scan is done, nothing will change, I don't know the results but... now the results -- whatever they are -- are fixed. I can feel the relief. Strange... but true :-)

Dr Nick Lethbridge / Consulting Dexitroboper

...        Agamedes Consulting / Problems ? Solved

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"The human mind is our fundamental resource" ... John F Kennedy

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Dying for you to read my blog, at https://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com/ :-)

Come on -- smile :-)

A friend suggests that I need something inspiringly cheerful to brighten my day... He's right, too :-)

Not that I lack good cheer... but I do have to balance good cheer against my standard grumpy-old-mannishness... There's a lot of good stuff which I fail to mention because... "this blog is about cancer:-(" Well, bah! humbug! to that :-)

Today Deb and I pick up our grandson from school and take him to a swimming lesson.

Halfway to the school and Deb remembers -- we forgot to bring an after-school snack! How can we face the boy without a peanut butter sandwich?

We take a slight detour... to his parent's house... they are not home... luckily we have a key. Deb makes a sandwich... and we continue on to the school, with sandwich. Phew!

After the half-hour lesson, the boy plays in the pool. We watch him...

He moves so fast! We pace round the pool, spot him... lose him... look again. He spends a lot of time under water, even harder to spot.

I join him in the pool, we play for a minute... then he's off again. Running, swimming, playing, having fun :-)

He enjoys himself, we enjoy watching him enjoy himself. And I have a bonus: Watching the mothers. In various styles of bathers :-)

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On Sunday we are up at 4am... for a trail run.

The run is at Langford Park near Jarrahdale. The park is an old bauxite mine, so there are no big hills... not since the mining.

It's a beautiful day for a run in the bush. The bush is also beautiful:-)

As we start, I worry that Deb will trip and fall, she doesn't. Deb worries that I will get lost, I don't.

Deb comes first in her category... first out of one.

In my category I am second... out of two. The secret of our success? We keep on turning up :-)

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Meanwhile, I entertain myself by trying to get a firm to write my app. Perhaps... it will be third time lucky :-)

Yes, there's lots to complain about. There's even more that makes me smile :-)

Dr Nick Lethbridge / Consulting Dexitroboper

...        Agamedes Consulting / Problems ? Solved

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"The human mind is our fundamental resource" ... John F Kennedy

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Dying for you to read my blog, at https://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com/ :-)

I'm not battling cancer

A celebrity dies and the paper reports that their last few years were spent battling cancer...

Don't ever think that I am "battling" cancer.

I'm putting up with it.

Sometimes I'm ignoring it... at least, doing things as though cancer were not a central fact of my life.

I accept treatment. Which, so far, is far worse than -- has caused more trouble than -- the cancer.

Doctors may be battling my cancer. I am the battleground.

My body seems to be resisting cancer. I do my bit -- when I can be bothered :-) by keeping my body somewhat fit. That is what I would do even without cancer (though I hope I would do it better!)

"Battling" is ridiculous. It assumes that there is a battle which may be won. "Battling" wastes energy which can be better spent on enjoyment. I am not wasting my time battling for a lost cause.

I am making the most of what I have.

There's a man who went completely blind at age 34. Now he runs ultramarathons, unaided.

He says,"It doesn't matter what you have lost. What matters is the use you make of what remains.

Exactly.

Dr Nick Lethbridge / Consulting Dexitroboper

...        Agamedes Consulting / Problems ? Solved

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Learning is a treasure that will follow its owner everywhere ... Chinese proverb

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Dying for you to read my blog, at https://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com/ :-)

ICU is relative

I post to this blog for my own benefit.

It would be nice, I think, if the blog could also be useful for other people.

Perhaps for other people with terminal cancer. Let them know they are not the first. Let them know what they could expect. Let them know that, however bad they now feel, it will be worse when they get constipation :-(

There are hundreds of pages of my thoughts, treatments, feelings, whatever. Would someone like to use the blog as data for research? I wonder.

I contact an academic, ask the question...

She'll ask her colleagues, she says. But her own research interest is "ICU survivorship". Yes, really.  Unless I misremember. I'm not going to check... I rather like the phrase :-)

Which leads me to think...

Off the top of my head, I believe that I have "survived" six stays in ICU.

And yes, Off the top of my head is a large part of the reason for my ICI visits

rofl

The academic is interested in ICU survivorship.

At the time I think, Oh well, that's not me, I'm a cancer sufferer...

And now that I do think about ICU... Well... my stays in ICU are so short. So minor. Nothing much at all. Just a small part (or six small parts) of an interesting four years.

It's all relative. And ICU is -- relatively -- nothing much at all :-)

Dr Nick Lethbridge / Consulting Dexitroboper

...        Agamedes Consulting / Problems ? Solved

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Learning is a treasure that will follow its owner everywhere ... Chinese proverb

===

Dying for you to read my blog, at https://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com/ :-)

stress and the MRI

Why does an MRI cause -- in advance -- so much stress?

The MRI -- and PET scans -- will show tumours. Different parts of the body, different possible cancers.

The MRI scans my brain. If there is a tumour there, then I am further down the path to death...

That thought causes stress. Stress for me. More stress for Deb. Will this scan show ... "the beginning of the end"...?

Every three months I have an MRI. Deb says that, at the start, she thought that I would be dead in just three or so months.

A clear scan is a great relief.

Waiting on the scan results is... a worry.

After each MRI I am "safe"... for another three months.

Towards the end of each three months... we start to worry.

We each deal with the worry in our own way. Until the relief... when it is another clear scan.

As my shirts say, Enjoy life, three months at a time:-)

Yes, with a :-) ... we do enjoy life. Until the next MRI. When ... we suffer from some stress. Wondering what the next three months will bring.

Dr Nick Lethbridge / Consulting Dexitroboper

...        Agamedes Consulting / Problems ? Solved

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Learning is a treasure that will follow its owner everywhere ... Chinese proverb

===

Dying for you to read my blog, at https://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com/ :-)

Tumour expectation

I have a strong expectation that my next MRI will show a new tumour.

It's just a feeling... it has no logical basis... it doesn't even worry me.

By the time I wake up to post about that expectation... I have remembered several other issues to document.

Either this will be a very long post... or there will be several posts. So:

I have a very strong feeling that my next MRI scan will show a new tumour. Why?

I always feel so tired... which could be due to running.

I go to a familiar place -- and it is not familiar. That's easy: Well-known faces are unfamiliar, that's due to my loss of peripheral vision. And it's the same with places, they now look different. Unfamiliar.

I have to be ever-so-careful over rough ground... Yes, more problems with vision. And, I hate to say it... age.

So logic says that there is -- or is not -- a new tumour It's just a "feeling" that there is. Not even a belief. I almost reject it...

But the feeling is real. So it must be documented. This blog is as complete as I can make it.

Anyway... if I don't document the feeling...

As I tell Deb, I don't want to miss the opportunity to say, "I told you so" :-)

Now I'd better post those other points...

Dr Nick Lethbridge / Consulting Dexitroboper

...        Agamedes Consulting / Problems ? Solved

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Learning is a treasure that will follow its owner everywhere ... Chinese proverb

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Dying for you to read my blog, at https://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com/ :-)