I've collapsed in a fun run, woken up in ED. Had my head opened (and closed) to remove a brain tumour. Had a cancerous testicle removed. (Cancer in both my thinking organs.) Been radiated and drugged, with various nasty side effects. Been promised death much sooner than I expected... So what do I really fear ?
You guessed it: constipation !
With six or more months of no further treatment, my digestion is almost back to normal. I can (and do) eat what I like, when I like. There are no more odd instances of food tasting "odd". (For months I could drink just a mouthful of instant coffee before it would taste so awful that I couldn't finish it. Now it still tastes awful -- when I make it for myself -- but I can drink it.)
The only remaining digestive oddity is the output. Sometimes the end product of eating will be soft and slimy and slipping out in a great hurry. Occasionally -- for no apparent reason -- it will hang in there, unmoving, for a couple of days. And boy ! does that make me nervous !
I can accept that I will pass away. Till then, I hope to continue passing with comfortable regularity.
===
For the last few weeks I have been -- except as noted above -- remarkably cheerful :-) Fear of death has faded. I no longer have to slap myself and say, sternly, It doesn't help to worry about it ! Now, I can barely believe that I will ever die. I am, I feel, as immortal as I ever was.
Not that that's an entirely acceptable attitude. I do need to balance obvious immortality with the acceptance that yes, I do have terminal cancer. But the out-of-balance has slipped from negative to positive. I can feel that and it feels good :-)
===
Feeling emotionally better affects me physically. My fitness has improved -- and I feel that I *want* to get even fitter. Not just for something to do: I want to run a few trails -- without the expectation of always coming last. (I've always been *nearly* last. Recently I even have trouble beating the bloke with the wheelchair puncture who carries his ailing guide dog.)
And there has been sex !
I've never been a great stud. Having a mind which is easily distracted is great when you're young and hasty. When you're older, being distracted from the current pleasure is... distracting. My mind will wander to current worries and I will lose... focus. Cuddling is great but it's better with a grand finale.
Many of my past worries are now irrelevant -- and that's something to be glad about :-) The worry of death by cancer may be under control but it still has its effect. I find it difficult to even begin to show signs of interest in sex.
Thinking about sex ? Yes ! I still appreciate an attractive woman, I still consider that sex would be pleasant. The thought simply fails to convert into any actionable physical response.
Over the last few weeks, however, my emotional state has lightened. My physical state has improved. (The warmer Spring weather does help.) And a couple of nights ago: Woohoo !
Sure, I panted & puffed like a steam engine, I really do need to work on my aerobic fitness. But it was pleasure, pure & simple. Emotional improvement leads to physical pleasure, physical satisfaction feeds back to emotional satisfaction.
I'm sure that I'm the first person to discover the pleasure of sex :-) I can recommend it ! But keep away from Deb... we may want to do it again.
Dr Nick Lethbridge / Consulting Dexitroboper
... Agamedes Consulting / Problems ? Solved
===
"If money won't make you happy, you won't like poverty either." … Ginger Meggs
===
Bloody brilliant.
ReplyDelete