having my head read

Today, it's another brain MRI. I have my head read every three months. When the scan is clear -- great. Otherwise... uh oh :-(

I'm not really sure what "uh oh" implies. Sure, closer to death by cancer. Also, I guess, decisions about further treatment. For now... I don't worry about the second option. Only death keeps my attention.

Not that I worry about death, not for myself. As I've written before: it's so unbelievable that I can't seriously worry. Still, as the next scan approaches -- I stress. My stressotoxin levels peaked, about three weeks ago. Then I calmed down, a bit.

Today I am almost calm, as I drive to the hospital for a scan. Almost but not quite calm. Stressotoxins are there but steady. After all, today is only a scan, I won't know the results till later this week. The scan is nothing...

It's only a scan... it's only a scan... I mutter the refrain as I drive. Funnily enough, it seems to work, I can feel my stressotoxins settling down, closer to normal levels.

Plenty of time to fill in the pre-scan forms. No difficult questions, I just tick yes many times, to indicate that I have previously had every type of available scan. Tick no against all the allergies, implants, diabetes, heart problems, etc, etc. I'm fit and healthy except for one small problem.

I look away as a cannula is inserted. Do I feel faint ? Just a little, I reply. Yes thanks, some water would be good. A bit more waiting and sipping. A visit to the toilet.

Time for the scan.

The MRI machine is as noisy as ever. Beeping, whirring, thumping. I'm lying on a board (well, whatever it is it is definitely not a bed), the board shakes a bit.

I'm rolled out, I sit up. Carefully. That's just old age and natural caution, I feel fine. The cannula is removed, I don't watch. Are you a bleeder ? asks the woman putting on a sticking plaster. No, I'm a fainter, I reply. Today I don't faint. Nor do I enjoy the needle experience.

Out and home and you know what ? I feel a lot better. Really ! It's only a scan, it's only a scan... the real excitement will be getting the results. Yet I already feel a lot happier. Perhaps because, whatever the results, there is now nothing that can change them, the MRI scan is done, the results are fixed. It's also possible that I am already happier because I'm an idiot :-) <drool>

Not to worry, my stressotoxins may be raised over the rest of the week. For now, I'm relieved that this scan is over.

A bit of shopping on the way home, I shout myself an apple turnover. More of an apple pie, the pastry is so solid. Lots of sugar, lots of cream, that's what I'm after. Followed by a very savoury lunch to clear the sugar and fat from my mouth.

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Today is weekly put-out-the-bin day, I spend a bit of time searching for rubbish to throw out. It's amazing what I have accumulated over the years... Some instruction books for products which no longer exist, into the bin. A couple of outdated textbooks, binned. A box of "souvenirs" from our wedding: acceptances, thank yous, sorry-can't-be-theres, a page of explanation from the celebrant, all back in the cupboard.

I've been clearing junk for months now, just a bin load every few weeks. A lot is gone, there is a lot still to go.Oh, just realised: I found a pile of 30 year old business cards, some names that I do remember. I meant to look through them all... but forgot. Oh well, another very faint memory, binned. That's a relief :-)

====    Dr Nick Lethbridge  /  Consulting Dexitroboper
Agamedes Consulting / Problems? Solved.
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"Real people don't make very good politicians." … Ginger Meggs
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dying for you to read my blog: notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com.au :-)
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