between scan and results

So I have my brain MRI-ed on Monday. Won't know the results till later in the week. Yet immediately feel more positive ! The scan was easy, what could go wrong :-)

I'll post the results when they are available...

===

Tuesday is mind-the-grandson day, I'm less exhausted than usual. Okay, I do close my eyes and micronap -- but only when sitting, watching Deb entertain the boy. When we are all at the playground, I am wide awake. And enjoying myself.

There are hordes of other children, our toddler chats and plays with them. Some of them play back... Some of the adults try to understand the conversation, as our grandson tells complete strangers all about whatever it is that has caught his attention. It's easy child-minding and very enjoyable.

At the end of the "working" day I am straight into World of Warcraft. It's a relaxing way to keep mentally active while having the mind switched off. That is, the game occupies enough of my mind to stop me worrying about anything else, and the game-play does not require much mental effort.

===

Then -- after dinner -- I read a book.

I have always read a lot but now, what I want to read has changed. I want light and simple. I struggle to keep reading books which I would expect to enjoy. Hard science fiction, ludicrous levels of over-the-top violence, desperate battles by complex and long-suffering heroes -- no longer appeal. I now want simple, with not too much suffering.

I always read fiction for escapism. Great literature is okay -- as long as it is also a great adventure. I am now less tolerant of anything which interferes with my simple enjoyment. I'm reading (re-re-reading) the entire Harry Potter series. Yes, he suffers, I read quickly over those section. But it's a great story and I know that it will end happily. I also know the few characters for whom it will not end happily. I like the heroes and their friends. It is familiar, positive, uplifting, enjoyable... a great way to maintain my good mood. It works :-)

===

Here's another example of "symptoms" which are not:

In the middle of the night, when I get up to go to the toilet, I need to be careful as I stand up. If I stand too quickly I may fall over. As I start to walk away from the bed, I may trip over. Sounds bad ?

For more years than I can remember, standing up suddenly can make me dizzy. I blame low blood pressure, it takes a few seconds for the blood to get used to pumping uphill. So, nothing new there.

Why do I trip over ? Because I throw the heavy quilt off the bed and onto the floor -- next to the bed. As I start walking... I trip over the quilt.

Nope, those are not symptoms of any disease. I'm still -- almost -- very healthy :-)

===

One funny thing, though: When I wake up in the middle of the night -- my mind goes into overdrive. It's usually a song, an "ear worm" which I can't stop playing in my mind. Playing fast and loud. I wake up and a song is playing, non-stop. Usually one of the easy-to-remember songs from our ABC for Kids CD.

It's a sign -- I think -- that I am not completely relaxed. My mind is tense, wanting to be hyperactive. I won't allow myself to worry -- so the mind spins up the music.

It's not a worry. It is, however, one reason why I don't remember many dreams. I wake up from a dream. Think, That was interes... Beep Beep ! Buckle up ! Beep beep... etc. All memory of the dream disappears under the weight of the song.

The only worry is... Even with simple songs for toddlers -- I still can only sing a few lines. Which I repeat on endless loop. And I know that if I tried to sing it aloud -- it would not be a recognisable tune :-( That's okay, I have a life-long inability to sing a tune :-)

====    Dr Nick Lethbridge  /  Consulting Dexitroboper
Agamedes Consulting / Problems? Solved.
===

"Real people don't make very good politicians." … Ginger Meggs
===

dying for you to read my blog: notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com.au :-)
====
   

having my head read

Today, it's another brain MRI. I have my head read every three months. When the scan is clear -- great. Otherwise... uh oh :-(

I'm not really sure what "uh oh" implies. Sure, closer to death by cancer. Also, I guess, decisions about further treatment. For now... I don't worry about the second option. Only death keeps my attention.

Not that I worry about death, not for myself. As I've written before: it's so unbelievable that I can't seriously worry. Still, as the next scan approaches -- I stress. My stressotoxin levels peaked, about three weeks ago. Then I calmed down, a bit.

Today I am almost calm, as I drive to the hospital for a scan. Almost but not quite calm. Stressotoxins are there but steady. After all, today is only a scan, I won't know the results till later this week. The scan is nothing...

It's only a scan... it's only a scan... I mutter the refrain as I drive. Funnily enough, it seems to work, I can feel my stressotoxins settling down, closer to normal levels.

Plenty of time to fill in the pre-scan forms. No difficult questions, I just tick yes many times, to indicate that I have previously had every type of available scan. Tick no against all the allergies, implants, diabetes, heart problems, etc, etc. I'm fit and healthy except for one small problem.

I look away as a cannula is inserted. Do I feel faint ? Just a little, I reply. Yes thanks, some water would be good. A bit more waiting and sipping. A visit to the toilet.

Time for the scan.

The MRI machine is as noisy as ever. Beeping, whirring, thumping. I'm lying on a board (well, whatever it is it is definitely not a bed), the board shakes a bit.

I'm rolled out, I sit up. Carefully. That's just old age and natural caution, I feel fine. The cannula is removed, I don't watch. Are you a bleeder ? asks the woman putting on a sticking plaster. No, I'm a fainter, I reply. Today I don't faint. Nor do I enjoy the needle experience.

Out and home and you know what ? I feel a lot better. Really ! It's only a scan, it's only a scan... the real excitement will be getting the results. Yet I already feel a lot happier. Perhaps because, whatever the results, there is now nothing that can change them, the MRI scan is done, the results are fixed. It's also possible that I am already happier because I'm an idiot :-) <drool>

Not to worry, my stressotoxins may be raised over the rest of the week. For now, I'm relieved that this scan is over.

A bit of shopping on the way home, I shout myself an apple turnover. More of an apple pie, the pastry is so solid. Lots of sugar, lots of cream, that's what I'm after. Followed by a very savoury lunch to clear the sugar and fat from my mouth.

===

Today is weekly put-out-the-bin day, I spend a bit of time searching for rubbish to throw out. It's amazing what I have accumulated over the years... Some instruction books for products which no longer exist, into the bin. A couple of outdated textbooks, binned. A box of "souvenirs" from our wedding: acceptances, thank yous, sorry-can't-be-theres, a page of explanation from the celebrant, all back in the cupboard.

I've been clearing junk for months now, just a bin load every few weeks. A lot is gone, there is a lot still to go.Oh, just realised: I found a pile of 30 year old business cards, some names that I do remember. I meant to look through them all... but forgot. Oh well, another very faint memory, binned. That's a relief :-)

====    Dr Nick Lethbridge  /  Consulting Dexitroboper
Agamedes Consulting / Problems? Solved.
===

"Real people don't make very good politicians." … Ginger Meggs
===

dying for you to read my blog: notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com.au :-)
====
   

waiting on a scan

Today I am perfectly healthy, as far as I know. That is, my last scan was all clear and I am rapidly approaching the next. The next scan may show anything... but until then I am all clear -- as far as I know.

Every three months there's the relief and relaxation following a clear scan. The stress gradually increases; each day could be the start of a new tumour (though I wouldn't know). Then... the next scan... followed by the relief of another all clear. Or not, of course, because that doubt is what causes the stress.

A couple of weeks ago I hit a patch of stress. Then the stress faded as (I like to think) I dealt with it. Pushed it aside. Stopped the stress from causing actual worry. Nevertheless, I can still feel some symptoms.

I am... dissociated. Not entirely fixed in the real world. A feeling of disinterest in -- in particular -- the ridiculous problems of the real world. And by "real world" I mean, the nonsense which passes as "news". Sure, I can see the stupidity of politicians, the potential for disaster due to human action -- but I don't really care.

Not that I don't care about the future of humanity. I would really like to see a bright and positive future for my family. And for my friends :-) But I don't see anything that I can do, I don't see signs of politicians -- or others -- making radical changes to bring peace & happiness to all people... and it doesn't really worry me. I've done my bit, I do my bit, the rest of the world can look after itself. Or not.

I am, somewhat, dissociated from my own reality. I do less planning ahead than I would have last year. No, not just less planning because I may be dead next year :-) For example: we are heading to a rogaine, I check the road map -- but not very carefully. Turn off the highway here, no worries. Where next ? No idea, I haven't looked that far ahead. Lost on the way to a rogaine ? A poor sign for a navigation-based event :-)

I also -- and this is not new -- get angry at inanimate objects. My dissociation is, in part, a way of reducing this anger: This door won't instantly open, I start to swear at it, think, it doesn't matter, I'm not in a hurry, wherever I'm going is not important, it can wait. Then I accept that the inanimate door will open in its own good time and I can relax.

===

Anyway, what is there to stress about ? Oh, yes, cancer. It will kill me. Sooner or later.

It's funny, though. Having dealt with the last patch of stress, I am now in a state of total disbelief. Doublethink: yes, I will die, no, I won't die... equal belief in both opposing ideas. This doublethink has a funny effect:

When I think of the effect of death on myself, it is not as scary as I would expect. Me die ? No way ! I just can't (quite) believe that it will happen. At the same time, I accept that I will die -- and I worry about Deb. Sure, she will cope. But will she remember to wind the clock ?! In the big picture, I know that Deb will be okay. It's the little things, the day-to-day things, that worry me.

What about our kids ? They are okay, doing very well with life and careers. They have never really needed my advice, they get it anyway, they will do well without my future advice. They may already be worried, they will be upset when I die, they will cope. I worry about them but that's a parent thing, I always worry that their lives are not as perfect as I would hope.

I do have a new worry: our grandson. He is now old enough to notice if grandad is not there. Will he be upset when I'm dead ? Probably. Will he understand death ? Possibly. Will it *really* upset him ? I hope not.

So... gloom and misery. Enough of that ! I may be worried -- but I'm cheerful.

I may be disassociated from the problems of the world. I may not really believe that I am going to die. I can still worry about the family and their future.

===

I have an indirect comment on my blog, from a man who is also dying from GBM4. His situation reminds me how lucky I am. Relatively speaking.

He has had more surgery, more chemo, the same amount of radiation treatment. His cancer was detected a few months before mine; he is still being treated. He is 20 years younger than me. Poor bugger. I am very lucky with the timing and status of my cancer. Relatively speaking.

===

Hmmm... a long post. Not much actually happening, a lot of mental coping & worrying. I have lacked the drive to document these less visible things.

It's the coming scan that has provided a kick-start: get it all down before it all changes. Where "it" is my mental attitude. Which may change for better or worse -- as soon as I have the next scan results.

===

Growing old -- to introduce a new topic -- has come at a very inconvenient time. I had -- as far as I know -- no symptoms before I collapsed in a fun run. Dr T, the cancer doc, reassures me that I am unlikely to die in the three months between MRI scans. I may, however, develop symptoms...

When I have a headache: is this a symptom of a new brain tumour ? That's an obvious question. Luckily I have never suffered from many headaches. Any I get now are mild and -- after a moment of pointless worry -- they go away. Or I drink more water, eat something salty, then the headache goes away.

What about the tingle on the soles of my feet ? That, according to wikipedia, is a standard side-effect of my chemo drugs. But it's months since I took those drugs -- yet the tingle still comes and goes. Or... maybe...

Each week we take our grandson to swimming lessons. My role is, after the formal lesson, to splash round in the pool with the toddler. To splash round in a shallow pool with a non-slip surface -- which acts like sandpaper. After an hour of splashing around, the toddler's knees are scraped and red. My feet and hands are also thoroughly sand-papered.

My sand-papered hands are very sensitive; I have to be very careful handling a hot cup of tea. I do not dare touch a hot teabag. I suspect that my feet tingle because -- in part -- they are as sensitive as my hands. Sandpapered and sensitive.

Then there are the aching muscles. Back and shoulders. Knees and ankles. Is this a sign of cancer spreading to the bones and muscles ? Noooo... it's too much sitting hunched over a PC. An old problem. I stretch, I take breaks, I raise the PC and stand rather than sit. It all helps.

I sleep a lot. The effect of cancer and its treatement ? I'm not sure... There may be some residual exhaustion post-treatment. Or the body working hard to resist. I suspect that attempting to run more, to restore some fitness, just makes me tired.

And, of course, I am getting older.

The gradual aging process was noticeable. The effect on health and fitness was clear. Then I had a major setback -- and lost a lot of that health and fitness. It is difficult to know how much lack of fitness is now due to the sudden reduction of exercise -- and how much is simply the normal aging process, interrupted but never stopped.

Getting unfit and growing old are happening together. It's hard to separate the effects of each. Really, it's very inconvenient.

===

And finally (I think): a dream.

I remember there were two distinct parts of the dream, I remembered them long enough to tell Deb. Now... I can only remember one part. A dream needs to be recorded asap, the memory fades very quickly. So, the bit that I remember:

I am following someone. They cross on a tightrope, a low-wire. The rope has three parts, one above the other, so you can walk on the lower part and hold on to the two upper parts. Admittedly the higher ropes are less than half a metre above the lower one -- not really practical for holding on.

The person ahead of me simply runs across the rope, superb balance, no need to hold on. I look at the rope, nervously.

Then I run *beside* the rope and easily reach the other side.

My interpretation: Support ? My be useful or maybe not. Problems ? Who cares. I'll just get across some other way.

===

There, I think I've covered everything relevant. And if not, I have at least cleared my mind so that I will be able to remember -- and post -- anything which I have missed.

Enough, for now.

====    Dr Nick Lethbridge  /  Consulting Dexitroboper
Agamedes Consulting / Problems? Solved.
===

"Real people don't make very good politicians." … Ginger Meggs
===

dying for you to read my blog: notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com.au :-)
====
   

some things are relative

I am healthy (except for you-know-what) but I am not fit. Not fit ? More accurately: not as fit as I would like to be. So what ? I'm not as young as I was. But... fitness is relative.

At 60 I ran my first marathon. At 65 my marathon days were behind me, I settled for half marathons. That's a result of age -- and laziness, not enough exercise.

Then I was sick, operated on, radiated and drugged. For six months or so I did barely any exercise -- and lost a lot more fitness. Now I am training again -- but not as much as I trained before I was sick. I am regaining some fitness but my current fitness level is not as good as it would have been -- if it were only age which is slowing me down.

On the plus side: I may be fitter than most men of my age. Last weekend I did a "long" orienteering course, my first long course for many, many months. Almost 7.5km, walking & jogging, finishing just within the allowed time. I'm pleased, not bad for my age, I claim :-) Yet I know I could be fitter.

So I complain about not being fit. I blame months of inactivity -- plus laziness, which reduces my enthusiasm for training. That's really why I complain: because it's my own fault that I don't train enough. I complain to remind myself: being sick is an excuse which is past its use-by date. I could now be fitter, I should now be getting fitter... if only I could be bothered.

===

Lately, I haven't analysed any dreams. I do still dream. Sometimes I even wake up and think, That was a weird dream ! But there are very few dreams that I remember past waking up. And this is good news !

I wake up from a dream. Probably go to the toilet. Back to bed -- and asleep again, instantly. No staying awake to swallow pills. No staying awake to worry. No staying awake long enough to commit the dream to long-term memory... So I dream but forget the dream before I have time to analyse it.

===

A friend asked me, How do I stay cheerful ? I've been thinking about that... especially over the last couple of weeks. I've already entered the pre-scan worry phase. A good time to test being cheerful.

Overall, I am currently in a state of suspended belief: waiting for a killer tumour seems so unreal, so unlikely, that I seldom think about it. Not thinking means not worrying means, I'm feeling cheerful.

I'm also keeping my mind busy. Reading, playing WoW, writing a phone app.

Then I will get a flash, a sudden thought, It's true, I'm going to die! To which I respond, internally, So what ? Nothing I can do about it, push the thought aside. Or accept the thought with a mental shrug. Then -- deliberately -- think about something else.

Not so easy when it's something stupid which I've done in the past... but a similar approach: Too late, it's happened, can't change the past, think about something else. Unless, of course, there is some action which may reduce the damage. In which case I will plan the action, wait till it can be done... and put aside the worry while I wait on taking action.

Of course cancer doesn't have that problem: no action will completely cure the cancer so I don't have to worry about the need to "do something" :-)

But there's another reason for my continual good cheer: I don't believe in sharing bad feelings. Never have. If I have problems, they are mine. A problem shared is... a problem doubled. Not that this is a good approach, often enough it does help to share a problem. Just for the sharing, not expecting a solution. But my approach is to keep my problems to myself.

When I was working -- with all the annoying problems of work -- I learnt to switch off between work and home. I didn't forget about work problems, just stopped letting them affect my behaviour at home. (I hope I was successful !)

It's the same going from home to meet a friend: if I am worried at home I make an effort to switch off the worry while I am out. It's a deliberate effort, to switch my thinking from "worried" to "cheerfully coping". By the time I meet the friend -- I am cheerful.

Yes, I am really cheerful. Better yet, having a cheerful chat with a friend is a very positive experience... On the way home I do not just switch back to gloomy, I maintain the good humour. It's like forcing a smile: force myself to smile and the brain responds by switching to a cheerful mode which justifies the smile. Yes, it does work, it must work, I read the idea in a Readers Digest :-)

So I may not always be truly cheerful. Sometimes I am faking it. By the time I have faked a cheerful chat with a friend -- I am actually cheerful. I am smiling because I am smiling :-) It works for me.

Dr Nick Lethbridge / Consulting Dexitroboper

...        Agamedes Consulting / Problems ? Solved

===

"Relax. Only dread one day at a time." … Ginger Meggs

===

Dying for you to read my blog, at https://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com.au/ :-)

just another cold

Feeling good :-)

Over the last few weeks I may have reached a peak of emotional well-being, a cheerful expectation that all will be well for several more years. I do have to be careful: too much denial may lead to a serious reaction when reality hits.

Reality did rear its ugly head -- sort of -- a week ago. I feel the slight twinges of worry... with my next scan due in a month. Two months being clear of cancer, one month of worry. One worry *week* would be plenty but I seem to have started a bit early.

Mentally, I have been thinking as clearly as ever. Or, failing to see the clear signs of decline, through the blinding haze of advanced dementia. Either way, my mind seems to be working okay.

The daily crossword is finished over lunch. I manage to complete the previously impossible Sunday "super" cryptic. I'm coding an app for mobile phones. The most significant point is, I feel the enthusiasm to do these things ! Sure, I still sit and read and play games... but I also want to do more.

Books & games & crosswords occupy the mind. They cover up boredom. The phone app provides satisfaction. It actually *kills* boredom. "Boredom" is perhaps not quite the right word. More, the wish to do something "meaningful", to do something *mentally challenging* which is of benefit to myself and to others.

I don't want to *help* people... I want to exercise my brain to create something which can then be *used* to help people.

This not-really-boredom has been a problem for years. Now, while the brain is still working, I have three months at a time in which to tackle whatever it is that I want to tackle. And I have the enthusiasm to try it.

Physically, I am well. Still working on the fitness. Wondering what will happen when the next round of treatment knocks my fitness back a few years. Will I get back the enthusiasm to try again ? Who knows ! It's an interesting question, to be answered when the time comes. Assuming, that is, that there will be another bout of treatment -- followed by another period of recovery...

That's the sort of pre-scan gloomy thinking which is pointless. Time enough to worry when I actually have something to worry about :-) (Wow ! I had to fight hard to not type, Something about which to worry. Still the pedant.)

And on the bright side:

Forget discontent, this has been the Winter of our continuous colds. My latest one has me aching and wanting to just lie down and sleep. Till I finally succumb to the lure of drugs -- and swallow two Nurofen. The relief is amazing !

And the bright side ? I have no trouble swallowing the pills ! For years, I could not swallow a pill. It would stay in my mouth, no matter how much water I drank. I was reduced to soluble tablets, so I took the easy option and avoided all drugs.

After months of toxic, swallow quickly, do not chew, six at a time chemo tablets -- these Nurofen are easy. I just have time to taste the sugar coating -- and they are swallowed. So easy ! And that's something to be glad about :-)

===

This weekend I am particularly keen to not be disabled by a cold.

Saturday afternoon is orienteering. I'm slow but can jog the 5km course. Evening, it's a card game, I'm up very late and even win a few dollars. Sunday afternoon is a high school reunion.

I was at the school for only two years, there are only a few people I remember, none that I have met since school. (That's my excuse. With my memory for people I could have attended all five years, joined them for lunch every week since and still forgotten most fellow students.) But fifty years seems well worth celebrating.

There are interesting people. Friendly people. Interesting conversations. Two people that I do remember and am glad to have not seen for fifty years. Others that I am glad to have met. All supported by excellent food.

I leave early but am glad that I went.

And in keeping with the theme of this blog: no one asked, So, have you had cancer lately ? A useful reminder that one man's disease is not the centre of the real universe :-)

===

And now: back to activities other than blogging. Which is, after all, just one part of what I enjoy doing.

Dr Nick Lethbridge / Consulting Dexitroboper

...        Agamedes Consulting / Problems ? Solved

===

"If money won't make you happy, you won't like poverty either." … Ginger Meggs

===

Dying for you to read my blog, at https://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com.au/ :-)

not planning my funeral

We're driving to the park, ready for a training run. Deb asks, Have you considered writing your own eulogy ? Yuk ! I reply, No thanks !

What would I say ? What *could* I say ?

I could praise myself. Why bother ? Either you already know and believe, or you think, Who's he kidding. I could admit to my faults, apologise to all those I have wronged ? A bit late for that if I'm already dead. Anyway, I don't have any faults :-)

The conversation turns to funerals. Do I have any after-the-last-minute requests ? No, definitely not. Funerals are for the living, the survivors. Whatever you want, go for it. Sure I'll be there -- the guest of honour -- but only in body. The mind will be gone and I don't expect that a spirit will be hanging round for the final festivities. So do what you like: as much or as little as you like.

I've been to a couple of funerals with singing and story-telling and crying. And laughing and dancing. All very nice for the living, for the nearest and dearest, that's their style. For me, it was a touch embarrassing.

Perhaps a moment for silent contemplation. If there must be music... a bit of Queen blasting down the aisles. Followed by Meatloaf, perhaps as I'm lowered down to fry :-) But it's whatever *you* like, I won't be there to be critical.

If I am there -- I won't be critical. Just surprised and a little bit pleased to be proven wrong on my view of the finality of death. Look for me in the mysterious fog which is sure to drift in. I'll be the wraith doing my favourite nose-picking pretence.

Having dissed all attempts for me to have an opinion on my own funeral, we go for a run. Coming back I tell Deb, Well, how about some final words ?

If anyone asks, tell them I said, "If only you'd asked me, I would have given you the correct answer." To what ? To anything. Anything at all.

Anything else, I've already said it. Or written it. Or considered it and decided that it is not worth saying.

But, of course, it's my funeral. So organisers can do whatever they like. I won't mind :-)

Dr Nick Lethbridge / Consulting Dexitroboper

...        Agamedes Consulting / Problems ? Solved

===

"If money won't make you happy, you won't like poverty either." … Ginger Meggs

===

Dying for you to read my blog, at https://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com.au/ :-)

this too, shall pass. woohoo !

I've collapsed in a fun run, woken up in ED. Had my head opened (and closed) to remove a brain tumour. Had a cancerous testicle removed. (Cancer in both my thinking organs.) Been radiated and drugged, with various nasty side effects. Been promised death much sooner than I expected... So what do I really fear ?

You guessed it: constipation !

With six or more months of no further treatment, my digestion is almost back to normal. I can (and do) eat what I like, when I like. There are no more odd instances of food tasting "odd". (For months I could drink just a mouthful of instant coffee before it would taste so awful that I couldn't finish it. Now it still tastes awful -- when I make it for myself -- but I can drink it.)

The only remaining digestive oddity is the output. Sometimes the end product of eating will be soft and slimy and slipping out in a great hurry. Occasionally -- for no apparent reason -- it will hang in there, unmoving, for a couple of days. And boy ! does that make me nervous !

I can accept that I will pass away. Till then, I hope to continue passing with comfortable regularity.

===

For the last few weeks I have been -- except as noted above -- remarkably cheerful :-) Fear of death has faded. I no longer have to slap myself and say, sternly, It doesn't help to worry about it ! Now, I can barely believe that I will ever die. I am, I feel, as immortal as I ever was.

Not that that's an entirely acceptable attitude. I do need to balance obvious immortality with the acceptance that yes, I do have terminal cancer. But the out-of-balance has slipped from negative to positive. I can feel that and it feels good :-)

===

Feeling emotionally better affects me physically. My fitness has improved -- and I feel that I *want* to get even fitter. Not just for something to do: I want to run a few trails -- without the expectation of always coming last. (I've always been *nearly* last. Recently I even have trouble beating the bloke with the wheelchair puncture who carries his ailing guide dog.)

And there has been sex !

I've never been a great stud. Having a mind which is easily distracted is great when you're young and hasty. When you're older, being distracted from the current pleasure is... distracting. My mind will wander to current worries and I will lose... focus. Cuddling is great but it's better with a grand finale.

Many of my past worries are now irrelevant -- and that's something to be glad about :-) The worry of death by cancer may be under control but it still has its effect. I find it difficult to even begin to show signs of interest in sex.

Thinking about sex ? Yes ! I still appreciate an attractive woman, I still consider that sex would be pleasant. The thought simply fails to convert into any actionable physical response.

Over the last few weeks, however, my emotional state has lightened. My physical state has improved. (The warmer Spring weather does help.) And a couple of nights ago: Woohoo !

Sure, I panted & puffed like a steam engine, I really do need to work on my aerobic fitness. But it was pleasure, pure & simple. Emotional improvement leads to physical pleasure, physical satisfaction feeds back to emotional satisfaction.

I'm sure that I'm the first person to discover the pleasure of sex :-) I can recommend it ! But keep away from Deb... we may want to do it again.

Dr Nick Lethbridge / Consulting Dexitroboper

...        Agamedes Consulting / Problems ? Solved

===

"If money won't make you happy, you won't like poverty either." … Ginger Meggs

===

Dying for you to read my blog, at https://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com.au/ :-)