pushing up hill

My exercise theory now is, I have no need to save my body for the long term... So on Sunday I entered the longest and steepest course at orienteering.

On Thursday I had tested myself at Reabold Hill: 5.4km, 146m climb, just under 50 minutes. No worries.

Sunday I jogged & walked 5.4km, 214m climb -- in almost 100 minutes. Oh... and that was after I took a short-cut at the end of the course and recorded a "dnf", "did not finish".

To put it in context: Deb did a different course, went a little bit further, climbed a little bit higher... but my average speed was faster! So there :-)

At the end I was totally exhausted. You know what? I thoroughly enjoyed myself :-)

It was what I was after, a tough "run" -- tough, that is, for my level of fitness. Tough? At one point I was walking along a level piece of ground, one of the very few level parts of the course. I was walking -- and could barely keep moving -- on level ground. That was when I decided that I should dnf.

===

The orienteering event was far enough from home that we drove south on Saturday, stayed the night in a very nice "farm cottage" then drove a short way to the event on Sunday.

And guess who drove there? And back home again? Me!

I was excited. Deb was nervous.

I was down to one anti-fit tablet per day. I survived two days of driving without falling unconscious. Now I have stopped the anti-fit entirely. One less drug! A couple of weeks till the next week of chemo. A couple of weeks drug free :-)

===

Of course, if symptoms... recur... I'll see my doctor. The long term prognosis is still... not *long* term. But it was a great weekend :-) And that's something to be glad about!

Dr Nick Lethbridge / Consulting Dexitroboper

...        Agamedes Consulting / Problems ? Solved

===

"Il est bon que le cœur soit naïf et que l'esprit ne le soit pas." … Anatole France

===

https://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com.au/

Away... and driving

Today -- I drive the truck... our 4wd, that is. This is the first time I have driven anything, for six months. I was not officially banned but the surgeon said, You should not drive for six months. It made sense to me. Especially when Deb said, You will not drive...

First I knew of my tumour was when I had a fit then woke up in ED. Even with the tumour removed, there may be fit-inducing damage. Having a fit while driving is not recommended. Positive empirical evidence: no fit since the tumour was removed.

Of course I've also been taking anti-fit tablets. I halved the dosage a couple of weeks back, no worries. I let Deb decide to keep me on a small dose of anti-fit -- until after this driving weekend.

I drive for several hours today, more driving tomorrow. So far -- no problems!

Boy ! I have really enjoyed being able to drive again :-)

===

So tonight we are staying two hours south of the city. Tomorrow we go orienteering, see how I go on foot. If all goes well -- if I don't unexpectedly collapse ! -- I will drive us home again.

Deb is worried about me being out of sight on an orienteering course. Not to worry: if anyone fails to return, there is a search.

More relevant to Deb's worry: Yes, I did collapse while running. But the weird symptoms started well before I started running. Now that I have had the experience -- if I have the same weird stuff -- I believe that I will be aware enough to, as they say... seek help.

===

On a completely different topic: It's possible that I repeat myself. I may contradict myself. Each post is written in the here and now... This is not a well-ordered novel. It is a day by day record of how I feel, what I think and do -- here, now, today.

There is no effort to develop a logical flow, my life itself is less than logical. There is no attempt to be consistent -- just complete. For all of which... I make no apologies :-) 

====    Dr Nick Lethbridge  /  Consulting Dexitroboper
Agamedes Consulting / Problems? Solved.
===

"The Nobel Peace Prize? I'd kill for one of those!" … per Ginger Meggs
===

notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com.au
====
   

cancer is not everything

My cancer is going to kill me. Sooner rather than later. Most likely within months rather than years. So my entire (remaining) life is spent thinking about cancer, worrying about cancer, wondering if there is a better treatment for cancer...

Rubbish!

Today Deb (my wife) and I look after our grandson. We start with splashing in a public pool, with a swimming lesson in the middle. Deb and the boy splash (it's a toddlers' shallow pool). I sit outside the pool, watching. (I worry that my own fear of water would be spread to other swimmers, so I stay clear of beginners.)

There's the constant sight and sound of water splashing and children enjoying themselves. I just sit back and enjoy it all. Cancer does cross my mind as, Pfft! who cares, life is still good :-)

We spend the afternoon at home and in a nearby park. I am almost asleep, Deb does most of the toddler-watching work, I am involved occasionally. Again, it is great fun, very enjoyable. I think of cancer once or twice in terms of, Must remember to blog this enjoyable day.

I spend some time this evening reading articles on cancer, particularly on one form of treatment: Gamma knife surgery, a non-invasive alternative to standard open-the-skull surgery. An interesting option for when my tumour regrows. For now... just another thought for the future. Though a major improvement on acupuncture and herbal concoctions :-)

For now: Yes, I have cancer. Yes, it will kill me. Yes, it does spoil my day -- occasionally. Most days, I'm just tired. Not worried about imminent death by cancer... just tired.

And enjoying many good days of life.

Of course I do blame a lot of this unthinking enjoyment on Deb :-)

Dr Nick Lethbridge / Consulting Dexitroboper

...        Agamedes Consulting / Problems ? Solved

===

"Il est bon que le cœur soit naïf et que l'esprit ne le soit pas." … Anatole France

===

https://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com.au/

another drug week passed

It's about time -- I think -- to record progress during and after my drug week. How are the side effects? Better or worse? I'll never know if I don't compare one month with the next. So, here are some high (and low) lights from the past two weeks.

Not that I ever read past entries, that's not the purpose of this blog. (The purpose is to just get it all written down so that I can stop thinking about it.) If I type it in, though, I may remember more next month. So:

Last week was drug week, now it's almost the end of the week after.

Last week: Monday I wake up early, take four Temo (Temozolamide) tablets, the cancer chemotherapy drug. Plus one Kytril to counter the nausea/vomit side effect of Temo. Plus, morning & evening, a satchet of Macrovic, to counter the constipation side effect of Kytril. Ditto all that on Tue, Wed, Thu and Friday.

I've also halved the anti-fit dosage, to one tablet per day. So I should have halved the side effects of tiredness and irritability. Deb says that no, she hasn't noticed any improvement.

The drug week all goes rather well ! No nausea, no vomit, no constipation. Lots of sleep... as expected.

I do a lot of sleeping, a lot of reading. With a couple of loads of washing to fill in idle moments. Can't be bothered doing much else. Sleeping is fine by me. It's that "can't be bothered" that can be annoying.

Tiredness would be a combination of drug side effects -- and having to wake up in the early a.m. to swallow the drugs. Apart from tiredness, side effects are nil. In general, my mood is good. Possibly, I'm too tired to care about much!

This week, the week after drug week:

Monday I'm feeling gloomy.  To be technical, mild depression. It's not that Deb is at work, it's that Deb is at work so I should be doing various household management tasks -- but I can't be bothered. Who cares?! I think. I do nothing, know I should be doing something, feel gloomy. Till Deb gets home :-)

And late on Tuesday -- here we go again -- constipation strikes!

I'm trying to identify probable cause. Possibly it's from doing nothing physical -- except a 2km walk at orienteering -- for well over a week. Possibly it's a lunch of nothing but meat (leftovers) on Monday.

I'd like to apply the scientific method, to repeat various behaviours and find out which ones cause constipation. But it is such an unpleasant thing... At best, I will avoid suspected causes and see if I can *avoid* constipation.

Wednesday night I comment to Deb, Right now I'm so miserable that I just don't care that I have cancer... and that's something to be glad about :-)

Later that night the poo rock is ejected, several meals worth of poo follow easily, all is well. Except for the after-effects of overdosing on laxatives: a flood of the muddy Yarra, a flow of the Serpentine, a few PNG mudslides... and now just the occasional muddy trickle.

A good night's sleep and I should be safe to leave the house.

===

Deb & I join some friends for lunch. Toilet before we leave home, again before we head back home, then when we get home again. Sheesh! I'm glad that the laxative effects are fading fast.

===

I also visit the GP. I need a referral to a specialist, the radiation oncologist. His work is done -- unless/until the tumour regrows -- but he has this thing about a post-treatment visit. Since I regularly see the "specialist" oncologist it seems to be a bit of a time-waster. Still, I'm no expert.

I like to visit the GP. She's cheerful, she's concerned, she is interested in more than just one area of specialist treatment.

While I'm there I have a wart frozen off my leg. (She dumps the leftover liquid nitrogen on the floor, it whooshes and spreads a circular cloud of fast-warming gas... Brilliant!) I also ask about a black mark that appeared on my back. No, not skin cancer... Hmmm, that's not what she said. The word "cancer" was not mentioned. Nothing to worry about, she said, It's just "senile something". The kid's will love that :-)

===

In summary, to compare against next month's drug week:

The drug week itself goes very well. I sleep a lot but am awake for a lot of the time when I should be awake. Other than that, no side effects.

Monday after the drug week is bad for mood, I'm both tired and depressed. Depression comes and goes and fades as the week progresses.

Beware the surprise constipation on Tuesday and Wednesday! And try not to overdose on laxatives.

Physically: I run again on Thursday. I push myself a bit up some hills. Still slow but 5km is doable. But I have missed ten days training rather than the one week of my "Cradle Mountain training plan".

I'll see how that compares to next month's drug week. Or, rather, to next month's drug-week-plus.

===

Over and out and off to bed...

Dr Nick Lethbridge / Consulting Dexitroboper

...        Agamedes Consulting / Problems ? Solved

===

"Il est bon que le cœur soit naïf et que l'esprit ne le soit pas." … Anatole France

===

https://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com.au/

even more tired !

I seem to have been sleeping for most of this last week ! Here's how I understand it:

The anti-cancer chemo tablets attack cancer cells. They also attack non-cancer cells... The pills are "cytotoxic" -- that is, toxic to living cells. It's essential that the chemo attacks cancer, attacking other "good" living cells is a side-effect.

My body now needs to replace and rebuild the "good" cells. This takes energy. Energy goes to cell rebuilding so I'm left with not enough energy to stay awake. Which means that -- when I am *not* swallowing chemo -- I will have more & more energy for staying awake... once good-cell regrowth has been finished.

I've just finished my week of chemo... cells have been destroyed, good cells are regrowing... so I have no energy to spare for staying awake. Cell regrowth will continue for at least a few days... then I will start to stay awake for longer! Until it all starts again with the next week of chemo, in three weeks' time.

Of course it's also possible that I'm sleeping a lot because I'm old :-)

===

Helping Deb with toddler-watch today, I'm worried that I'm rather boring. It can't be very entertaining when I sit round a lot and fall asleep after lunch!

Then we go to the nearby playground.

Grandson insists that I accompany him & Deb. He insists that I take off shoes & socks to join them in the sandpit. Then he seems perfectly happy when I just sit near them, and watch. Makes me feel a lot better :-)

===

Swimming lesson today (for grandson). The carpark is full. Deb misses a reversing car, doubles back -- and is beaten into the single space :-( Deb makes an exclamation expressing disappointment... Toddler repeats what he thinks he heard, "Oh bump!" Oh, yes, that's definitely what Deb said... there are definitely speed "bumps" in the carpark :-)

===

In a previous post I mentioned that I started to watch Altered Carbon on Netflix. A tv show is soooo slow. Since then I have reread the complete book -- at my own pace. So much more satisfying.

Oh, and as far as I can tell: The first scene of the tv series -- two people in a shower -- was invented for tv, not by the AC author.

 

Dr Nick Lethbridge / Consulting Dexitroboper

...        Agamedes Consulting / Problems ? Solved

===

"Avoid criticism: say, do and be nothing." … per Ginger Meggs

===

https://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com.au/

soooo tired !

Monday, I'm tired... Very, very tired. I spend all morning sitting in a comfortable chair, reading, sleeping. I spend all afternoon in a different comfortable chair, reading, sleeping.

Was it a tough weekend? I think so... It seemed okay at the time but it wore me out. I spend all Monday recovering.

Not helped by the start of another drug week. I was up between 3 and 4am to take drugs. Plus a bit more awake time -- to make sure that my stomach seems settled. No worries, I'm fine :-) Just tired.

Deb (when home after work) asks, will I be okay for grandson minding on Tuesday? I hope so, I enjoy it. It does make me think:

I enjoy helping Deb mind our grandson. He's such a [fill in a positive attribute] child, such a pleasure to look after. Yet -- now I think about it -- half the pleasure is being with Deb.

===

In between reading and sleeping I decide to watch some tv. Or, rather, Netflix. I'm a fan of science fiction so I start with Altered Carbon... I did enjoy reading the book.

Half way through the credits and I'm thinking of turning it off. But resist. Three minutes into the show itself -- in what is apparently a significant shower scene -- I give up. Booooring!

If a book is that slow -- I read faster. There is no speed control (as far as I know!?) on Netflix, I have to watch at the one, fixed, slow-but-highly-significant speed. Yawn!

I once did an online course which allowed up to eight times faster viewing. The picture moved fast, the sound was fast but still clear. That's what I need! Well... that's a part of what I need...

I come back to Netflix, watch The Incredibles. No "significant" -- ie slow -- introduction here. Straight into the action, straight into entertainment. I watch it till Deb comes home.

I never really enjoy the slow start to tv and movies. At home, with tv, I'll be settling down (or possibly reading) until the introductory titles are done.

Also... I prefer my entertainment to be light. That has always been my preference. It is more so now. I don't mind a bit of tension, even suffering -- as long as there is a happy ending.

With a book, I can read as fast as I like, to get past the dark parts. Can't do that with tv. Oh, and I do like a definite conclusion: after the beginning and the middle I expect an end... which is very unlikely with a tv series. (And less and less likely with a fantasy novel.)

I'm just hard to please :-)  Which is part of the reason why a lot of my current reading is *re* reading. I'm re-reading books which I have read before. Which I know that I enjoyed. And which I know have an actual end to the story.

===

Now I've swallowed my pills. Waited a while to be sure my stomach has settled. It's time to get back to bed...

Dr Nick Lethbridge / Consulting Dexitroboper

...        Agamedes Consulting / Problems ? Solved

===

"Avoid criticism: say, do and be nothing." … per Ginger Meggs

===

https://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com.au/

books, shakes, side-effects & a rogaine

In an earlier post I mentioned a couple of books about cancer. Just in case someone who actually has cancer trips over this blog, I'll now name the books. (Though I do hope that you, my reader, do not have cancer. Reading this blog may spoil your enjoyment of the experience.)

... "Before and After Cancer Treatment" by Julie K Silver

This book is for the "cancer survivor" who is getting back to a more normal life. There is advice on understanding your physical, emotional, mental and spiritual states -- and improving them. To me it seems that the advice is generally good for cancer survivors -- and for people who just want to feel better.

... "Never Say Die" by Chris O'Brien

The author died of my type of brain cancer -- and was in denial all the way. He wants every prognosis to include "hope" -- that is, a few reassuring lies about the chances of the patient surviving. I prefer truth -- then the doctor can help me, the patient, cope with the reality. It's also disappointing that the author -- a respected cancer surgeon -- eventually dumps all scientific training and attempts a couple of "quack" cures. With all his medical expertise he does not even mention any attempt to scientifically test the effectiveness of these "alternative" treatments. On the other hand -- it's reassuring to read about another person who went through a similar treatment process to my own.

===

In another post I mentioned the hand tremors. I was not sure that I still had them... Well, I do! In both hands. It comes and goes. I noticed it when I was making a cup of tea and spilt some milk. Still, no use crying over that... :-)

===

DrT has allowed me to stop taking the anti-epileptic-fit tablets. I was on two a day, now I'm on one a day, next week will be none. Already I can notice some changes. No, it's not that I'm now having epileptic fits...

Having halved the anti-fit dosage -- I am less sleepy. It's been only a few days -- but I have done less falling asleep during the day. (Right now I'm wide awake in the middle of the night. But that's only because I've swallowed one tablet and need to wait before taking the four chemo tablets.)

Another side-effect of the anti-fit is irritability. I hope Deb doesn't expect me to now be less irritable :-(

I've suspected -- and am now getting evidence -- that the anti-fit is also affecting my digestion. Not necessarily in a bad way, just changing it.

Yes, here we go with more poo analysis...

Okay, my digestion has been stuffed around. Yet -- in the weeks when all seems to be going well -- there are noticeable differences to long-term normal operation. For one thing, it smells different.

No, I don't go sniffing my poo. It's just that the smell is there, I notice it, I notice when it is different. In recent months my poo has smelled like bitumen. Yes, it smells like the stuff on the surface of roads. Since reducing the anti-fit dosage, that smell is less obvious.

Does your poo float? Mine used to, mostly. In recent months my poo has not floated, it just sinks to the bottom of the bowl. (Again, I don't deliberately stare at my passed poo... it's just something that I notice. And remember.) Now -- on my reduced dosage -- the poo is starting to float again. Interesting...

Okay, not a topic for dinner-time conversation. But interesting... in my opinion :-)

And if the poo is returning to pre-cancer normal -- it's also a sign that my body is shaking off some of the side-effects of treatment. These side-effects may be perfectly harmless. But I prefer my body to work as it has -- successfully enough -- for most of my life.

===

Urgh! just swallowed four chemo tablets. I'll wrap up this post and get back to bed for a couple of hours...

===

On Saturday we -- Deb, her sister and I -- went on a rogaine. (For the uninitiated, a rogaine involves walking through the bush for many hours, trying to find points marked on a map. It's fun. Really!)

We walked for almost four hours, covered just over nine kilometres, climbed 257m. That includes time for a picnic in the bush. And I've found that bushwalking is about twice as slow as walking on roads or trails. We averaged -- in the past -- just over 3km per hour.

By our previous standards, yesterday's rogaine was quite slow and not very far. By current standards -- it is far enough. For myself, I am pleased to be walking so far! And it was a most enjoyable day... it's great to get out in the bush again :-)

===

And btw: You may have noticed that I don't name names. Except for "Deb" because it would be silly to continually refer to "my wife".

A blog is a great place to tell the world -- or my reader -- about people, places and activities. I just don't want to add to the enormous amount of personal data which is displayed for all to see. For myself, I don't mind. The benefits of "getting it all off my chest" outweigh the embarrassment. And the embarrassment will end soon after the last posting :-)

For other people, it does not seem fair for me to post comments which allow complete strangers to say, Oooohh, look what so-and-so once did.

Except for Deb. Who just has to put up with her name in print.

Dr Nick Lethbridge / Consulting Dexitroboper

...        Agamedes Consulting / Problems ? Solved

===

"Avoid criticism: say, do and be nothing." … per Ginger Meggs

===

https://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com.au/

all good news ...

The results of my scans are in: no signs of cancer! Phew :-)

So it's back to chemo, one week in four. Then more scans in three months. Since I can't tell what the cancer is doing till I get scanned -- and ignorance is bliss :-)  -- I can relax for the next three months.

So... I'm feeling good !

===

And an aside, from today's comics: I also had an IQ test. Luckily that one came back negative.

===

Way back, I mentioned that I had a touch of the shakes. A tremor in the hands that I only noticed when I attempted to carry a fork-full of food to my mouth. I also had trouble standing on one foot to, for example, dry my feet after a shower.

The hand tremor may still be there, I haven't noticed. But I can now stand on one foot! Well, at least long enough to dry my feet without having to fall down.

===

I ran a few small hills today, it went quite well. Okay, I'm certainly feeling -- now -- as though I have run a few *mountains*... but I had no great trouble on my first hills for quite a few months.

===

I'm okay to drive again! And, a related matter, I'm about to taper off the anti-epileptic-fit pills. The pills that make me tired and irritable... Oh well, there goes my excuse.

The consensus is that the fit was caused by the brain tumour. Pressure on the brain. The tumour is gone, I may be okay. I'll start slowly... I agreed with my son that I will not drive my grandson anywhere. But for everyone else on the road: look out!

Of course if I have another fit, I'm back on the pills. And out of the driver's seat.

I'm looking forward to driving again. But I must admit -- it's nice being driven round by others :-) Sometimes by friends, lots of times by Deb, to orienteering & rogaining by Deb's sister. I'm a terribly nervous passenger but -- in the city -- I'm a stressed driver.

What I'm looking forward to is the *freedom* of being able to drive myself. Even if I don't take advantage of that freedom.

===

It's been a good day! And I'm sure there's some more good news that I've forgotten. But that's enough for now :-)

Dr Nick Lethbridge / Consulting Dexitroboper

...        Agamedes Consulting / Problems ? Solved

===

"Avoid criticism: say, do and be nothing." … per Ginger Meggs

===

https://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com.au/

it's all in the attitude

There's the well known "grief cycle", the stages a person may go through as they deal with a personal disaster. It's usually applied -- I believe -- to dealing with the death of a nearest and dearest.  Since I am clearly my own nearest and dearest, I wonder if the Kubler-Ross Grief Cycle applies to me...

The final stage is "acceptance", where the griever explores options, puts a new plan in place and moves on. My options are limited. I'm following other people's -- doctors' -- plans for treatment but making my own plans for my own life. As for "moving on"... well... that appears to be the final stage, the one I want to avoid! Nevertheless...

I like to think that I am at this final stage of "acceptance".

More than that, I like to think that I *choose* acceptance.

Yes, I have moments of -- for example -- fear... irritation... anxiety... All words on a grief cycle slide from the web. When those nasty moments hit I say, go away! If that doesn't work, I find that a long sleep brings me back to my preferred, more positive attitude. Or I follow Deb's advice, to go to "my happy place", to remember a time and place which cheers me up. That's easy: here and now, married to Deb, is my happy place :-)

I still worry more about Deb -- and even the kids -- than I do about myself. When I'm dead, I'm dead. But Deb will have to look after herself. Is there something I could do to make that easier? (Yes, lots. But that leads to another negative, a feeling of being overwhelmed.)

If I am at "acceptance" -- my preferred attitude -- it has been helped by the way it all happened: I woke up in Emergency and was told that I had brain cancer, it would kill me within a year or two. Straight to the point, good. And I was still woozy from initial treatment, so the effects were somewhat muted. By the time I was fully aware, I had fully accepted the diagnosis and the prognosis.

There is a middle stage to the grief cycle: bargaining. Am I "struggling to find meaning"? Not at all. I have no interest in finding a meaning to my life, let alone a meaning to my cancer. I have no need to "reach out to others", friends and family are already there. (Thank you!)

Part of "bargaining" is, "telling one's story." Yes, I am blogging my story. It's to get it off my chest -- I enjoy self- analysis -- rather than to "tell" my story to other people. If you read this blog -- and find something interesting or even relevant -- then I'm pleased. But that's not its purpose... Oh, okay, some posts are intended to be helpful for other people :-)

Though if you meet me in person, beware: I *will* tell my story! I've always been like that... Just let me know when you have heard enough :-)

Two other stages are anger and depression. Yes, I do get hit by the negatives. Right now I am anxious, waiting on the result of today's various scans. But I *choose* acceptance and try to put anxiety on the back burner.

It also helps that I have no other choice -- I do have a cancer which will kill me. (On the bright side, I have another cancer which will *not* kill me :-) The only alternative is if all of medical science is wrong. Though I have made a secondary choice: I will enjoy life as I can and while I can, rather than wasting it on regrets.

And finally, the very first stage of the grief cycle (not that grief follows a fixed path), the first stage is "denial".

It's possible that fear and shock have lead me to confusion -- and avoidance. It's possible that I still don't really believe that cancer will kill me. Actually, I both accept that it will kill me -- and believe that it will not. Classic double-think. Thank you, George Orwell!

So am I in denial?

I prefer to believe that I am at the stage of acceptance. That I do have moments of, in particular, depression. But I *choose* to accept my situation. To select options, to make plans which suit changed circumstances. And to accept that "moving on" is one option over which I have no real control.

Because acceptance -- as I interpret it -- suits my long-standing smug self-satisfaction with my own ability to manage my own attitude.

So there :-)

Dr Nick Lethbridge / Consulting Dexitroboper

...        Agamedes Consulting / Problems ? Solved

===

"Avoid criticism: say, do and be nothing." … per Ginger Meggs

===

https://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com.au/