There's the well known "grief cycle", the stages a person may go through as they deal with a personal disaster. It's usually applied -- I believe -- to dealing with the death of a nearest and dearest. Since I am clearly my own nearest and dearest, I wonder if the Kubler-Ross Grief Cycle applies to me...
The final stage is "acceptance", where the griever explores options, puts a new plan in place and moves on. My options are limited. I'm following other people's -- doctors' -- plans for treatment but making my own plans for my own life. As for "moving on"... well... that appears to be the final stage, the one I want to avoid! Nevertheless...
I like to think that I am at this final stage of "acceptance".
More than that, I like to think that I *choose* acceptance.
Yes, I have moments of -- for example -- fear... irritation... anxiety... All words on a grief cycle slide from the web. When those nasty moments hit I say, go away! If that doesn't work, I find that a long sleep brings me back to my preferred, more positive attitude. Or I follow Deb's advice, to go to "my happy place", to remember a time and place which cheers me up. That's easy: here and now, married to Deb, is my happy place :-)
I still worry more about Deb -- and even the kids -- than I do about myself. When I'm dead, I'm dead. But Deb will have to look after herself. Is there something I could do to make that easier? (Yes, lots. But that leads to another negative, a feeling of being overwhelmed.)
If I am at "acceptance" -- my preferred attitude -- it has been helped by the way it all happened: I woke up in Emergency and was told that I had brain cancer, it would kill me within a year or two. Straight to the point, good. And I was still woozy from initial treatment, so the effects were somewhat muted. By the time I was fully aware, I had fully accepted the diagnosis and the prognosis.
There is a middle stage to the grief cycle: bargaining. Am I "struggling to find meaning"? Not at all. I have no interest in finding a meaning to my life, let alone a meaning to my cancer. I have no need to "reach out to others", friends and family are already there. (Thank you!)
Part of "bargaining" is, "telling one's story." Yes, I am blogging my story. It's to get it off my chest -- I enjoy self- analysis -- rather than to "tell" my story to other people. If you read this blog -- and find something interesting or even relevant -- then I'm pleased. But that's not its purpose... Oh, okay, some posts are intended to be helpful for other people :-)
Though if you meet me in person, beware: I *will* tell my story! I've always been like that... Just let me know when you have heard enough :-)
Two other stages are anger and depression. Yes, I do get hit by the negatives. Right now I am anxious, waiting on the result of today's various scans. But I *choose* acceptance and try to put anxiety on the back burner.
It also helps that I have no other choice -- I do have a cancer which will kill me. (On the bright side, I have another cancer which will *not* kill me :-) The only alternative is if all of medical science is wrong. Though I have made a secondary choice: I will enjoy life as I can and while I can, rather than wasting it on regrets.
And finally, the very first stage of the grief cycle (not that grief follows a fixed path), the first stage is "denial".
It's possible that fear and shock have lead me to confusion -- and avoidance. It's possible that I still don't really believe that cancer will kill me. Actually, I both accept that it will kill me -- and believe that it will not. Classic double-think. Thank you, George Orwell!
So am I in denial?
I prefer to believe that I am at the stage of acceptance. That I do have moments of, in particular, depression. But I *choose* to accept my situation. To select options, to make plans which suit changed circumstances. And to accept that "moving on" is one option over which I have no real control.
Because acceptance -- as I interpret it -- suits my long-standing smug self-satisfaction with my own ability to manage my own attitude.
So there :-)
Dr Nick Lethbridge / Consulting Dexitroboper
... Agamedes Consulting / Problems ? Solved
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"Avoid criticism: say, do and be nothing." … per Ginger Meggs
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