Saturday. The weekend after a the drug week. Stomach is uncomfortable but not bad, I'm still tired. I could also be getting a cold.
Deb & I go out for a run. I settle for an hour's walk, about all that I can handle. Revise my fun run training plan, now: walk a bit, perhaps jog a bit, try to finish the run, eventually :-)
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I have started to worry about dying. Why? What has changed?
I think it's partly, I'm feeling tired. That's always bad for the mood. Not helped by an incipient cold. (Which was tiring on Saturday... then faded away.)
I'm due for another MRI by the end of May. That -- for no good reason -- has me worried. Last scan was clear. If this next scan is clear, I can choose to stop the chemo treatment. Why stop? It seems that all clinical trials were over six months; there is no indication that further chemo will help. Hmmm.
If the next scan shows cancer, I *may as well* stop the chemo treatment! Again, no evidence that further treatment will help. I remember early reading indicating that the chemo drug becomes less effective over time.
My real worry is due to the change... I've been quite happy just following doctor's orders. It's the best known treatment, just do it, I just do it. Now I've reached the end of the best *known* treatment. What next?!
There's a feeling -- a definite knowledge -- that all treatment so far has been a delaying action. From now on, it's a matter of me, my body and random chance. With nothing specific to do, no plan for best possible treatment -- I have time to worry. So I do.
The knowledge that I will die sooner rather than later has moved clearly into my conscious mind. With nothing else to do -- I worry about dying.
Too bad! Sure, I can worry. And there's nothing I can do about it... except to *stop* worrying! Or, at least -- to not let worry interfere with my (remaining) life. And especially, to not let my worry upset family and friends.
Okay, okay, you can worry about my cancer! But don't anyone worry about my worrying... it's all under control :-)
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Except one extra worry: How will our grandson's parents tell grandson about my death? With honesty and sadness, I expect. And, I hope, with a clear feeling that life is to be lived, till it is over, with no regrets.
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Sunday. *Still* tired! We go for a walk in Walyunga. Deb finishes with signs that she is as worn out as I am... It's not just *my* exercise regime which has suffered.
It's a beautiful day, we enjoy the walk. Seven km, lots of uphill. A good way to celebrate Mothers Day :-)
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My digestion is settling. As it settles there is one issue... I've decided that solar panels are not enough. If I can connect my backside to the gas mains, I believe that I could sell energy back to the gas company.
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Monday. My remaining tiredness is at the "not enough exercise" level. That is, back to "normal". My digestion has settled back to normal. Time to do some essential chores and to recover some fitness.
Fitness? Just one week till the next fun run! Uh oh...
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Speaking of chores: I need to go out to shops. Which means, stop typing. Which means, the planned "sex post" is delayed, yet again. Sex is an essential part of life. Funny how hard it is to write about.
So, till next time:-)
Dr Nick Lethbridge / Consulting Dexitroboper
... Agamedes Consulting / Problems ? Solved
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"I know so little that it astonishes me how many people know even less." … per Ginger Meggs
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Mate you are allowed to worry in your situation. I still reckon you are the mentally toughest human being I have ever met. Cheers Col
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