Not Dead Yet !: a good week

Today is Fathers Day. Tomorrow is my next brain scan. The two are not related, just thought I'd mention it :-)

It's been a positive week for my mood. My last post (but see next point) described the positive effects of documenting my worries. Well, the positive mood has lasted for many days.

I can think of tomorrow's scan -- and what it may show. I am no longer stressed... no longer scared. It's just, Oh well, there may be a tumour. Or there may be nothing. It's just, that's the way it goes, deal with it.

Which means that I have enjoyed this past week far more than I should have :-)

Tuesday, for example, grandson & I play together more than usual. We agree that Deb -- still under the weather -- should rest. Okay, not entirely successful -- but Deb at least is able to sit down while being a crocodile eating lots of playdough fish.

Friday after a swimming lesson -- for the first time -- I stay with grandson while he plays in the swimming pool. Deb is able to just sit and relax. (Whether or not she does relax is unknown.) After an hour playing in the pool I am tired: sure I float, but crouching in a metre of water still requires effort to stay balanced. But... all good fun :-)

Other days, I still maintain my good mood. Sure, occasional flashes of thoughts of a possibly unpleasant near future... but just flashes. Overall, it's been a good week for my mood :-)

The only gloom, really, has been -- as usual -- when I worry about Deb without me. Which is a change. Realistically I could be worrying about Deb *with* me... Too late for that, Deb seems to get by so far.

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The positive effects of blogging are covered in my last post. Or are they ?! I'm sure it's covered in a recent post, perhaps not "the last" post. Because (a) I can't be sure and (b) I'm not going to check.

This blog is done as stream of consciousness... I try to write exactly what I am thinking, doing, feeling -- here and now. Which means that I do not try to make this a logical flow. It flows with me: my mood, my actions, my feelings.

On top of that: I do not enjoy re-reading. I don't want to bias what I am now typing. I don't want to find that I am now contradicting a past post. I already know that I change what I "know" and what I feel, from day to day. Doesn't matter. I post about what is happening. It's neither sanitised nor made sensible. Just, as it is, day by day.

And I do not *enjoy* re-reading. My future may be shorter than I would like. My past -- is past. The present is where I am and where I am enjoying myself. Or, possibly, not... I don't want to spoil the present by worrying about the future, nor by crying over what's past.

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As I am sure that I have said before -- possibly, several times -- this blog is for *me*. Though I know that other people do read it, I appreciate that :-) But do I change what I write to suit other readers ? I try not to.

Sometimes I think, What would [person I know who reads this] think of this point ? I'm so self-focussed that there is very little reference to other people -- though I do (very occasionally) avoid an anecdote which, I feel, is not suitable for readers. Some anecdotes are not suitable for me ! That's fine. Others, though, are perhaps not fit for general publication.

There's very little that is relevant to this blog yet not fit for publication. Very occasionally I will not mention something which is peripheral to the topic. Most vaguely relevant ideas, however, are written.

Just don't look for your name... in either a positive or a negative reference. The easiest way to avoid worrying about the feelings of readers is to focus on myself. Which I find remarkably easy to do :-)

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And now, back to that reference to Fathers Day:

We celebrate with a meal. It used to be prepared by our sons... This year, the family are going out to dinner tonight. It's time for me to get ready... No time to proof-read.