Not Dead Yet !: MRI today

Had another MRI scan this morning. Easy enough, about an hour and a half and it's all done. Bulk billed, so all I pay is $7.20 for parking... I considered taking a bus, or parking further away -- in a shop's free parking area, or a bus one way and walk home... It's easier to drive :-)

I still don't like the cannula, the thing they plug into my vein to inject a contrast medium. Appreciate the tech's casual conversation to distract me.

btw: I still think of a cannula as some sort of spaghetti. I'm not sure about the contrast medium, it's not all black & white. :-)

This time I ask about the noise. Yes, the bang! bang! bang! is when the machine is taking a picture. I always feel that the MRI is designed by a science fiction fan, I expect the entire machine to rotate round -- with me strapped on -- ready for blast-off. With robot techs rolling their electronic eyes as I spin by... but no, I don't spin at all. Disappointing.

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The scan is done. I do some shopping on the way home. A few essentials -- plus a cream & jam-filled pastry "matchstick" and a meat pie. I pretend that I need a treat...

The MRI itself is easy. It's the results -- later in the week -- which are the worry. Not that I'm worried, oh no. But...

I have a regular yearning for comfort food. I switch off my mind by playing a lot of World of Warcraft. I can feel that a minor aggravation could set me off in a rage... Luckily enough, my feeling of impending aggravation applies only to inanimate objects.

I enjoy meeting with various people in the day's outing. I smile, occasionally chat, act friendly -- and mean it. But that self-closing door that takes soooo long to self-close !! Dad-rat and darn the blasted thing ! Hurry uuupp !!

No, I'm not stressed :-) Worried, maybe. I'll be glad when the results are in. Good or bad.

Sometimes I think, Well, I certainly *feel* okay ! Then I remember, Oh, that's how I felt immediately before I crashed out of that fun run... Oh. I'll soon know whether or not my feeling fine is justified. Can't wait :-)

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There is definitely one sign of stress which I have dealt with. Waking up at 3am, unable to get back to sleep as my mind whirls round in high gear. Not thinking of death & disease. Just thinking. High on adrenaline and can't stop the buzzing to get to sleep.

Or so I thought.

Now I still wake up at 3am. Go to the toilet (of course). Get back to bed and can't sleep. So I turn the electric blanket up to max... and am asleep in minutes. Not only that -- I will sleep for three or four hours at a stretch.

In the paper the other day was a claim that we all wake up every 90 minutes or so. We just don't remember it. Because I was staying awake, I remembered. Now -- with the electric blanket set to roast & bake -- I sleep longer & sounder. Okay, I may "wake up" every 90 minutes. But -- with the majority of people -- I do not remember waking up.

Of course when I do wake up -- I am *hot* !

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On the weekend -- at orienteering -- a friend asked how I was. This lead to me saying, My disease is a good one to have... which made the friend question my good sense :-) Here's what I mean:

Now that my cancer/s are between scans and I am not on any medication, I feel fine. Radiation was a nuisance, chemo was awful, they may (will ?!) be repeated. Yet there has never been any pain. (Oh, okay, those attacks of post-surgery brain inflammation. Okay, *some* bloody awful pain.)

I read about other people who have pain. Who can't eat or drink or breathe or walk or whatever. For me, that may be still to come. For now, I am fit (sort of) and healthy (on the surface).

Sure, there's that ultimate death sentence thing... a bit of a bummer. But if I *have* to have a death sentence -- this is a good way to go. So far ! :-) That's what I mean:

I have a terminal cancer, that's bad. But in the range of possible terminal cancers -- mine has so little negative impact that... If I have to have cancer, my cancer is a "good" one to have.

Of course it's just possible that a Ginger Meggs quote has some relevance to my opinion: "Out of my mind, please leave a message."

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What I am trying for, is balance. Yes, I accept that I have terminal cancer. No, I will not fight & scream & kick and spoil my remaining time by denying that truth. Yes, I will do my best to stay healthy & fit, to better enjoy my life. I try to find a balance between overwhelming despair and blind optimism. Balancing on the positive side, with resisting & enjoying.

"The truth is incontrovertible. Panic may resent it, ignorance may deride it, malice may distort it, but there it is," as Winston Churchill said. And as I say, "Deal with it."