Not Dead Yet !: emotional stress

Monday, I visited the GP. She had sent a message asking me to set up a "non urgent" appointment to discuss test results. This had to be the government poo test -- yes, blood in the samples -- so I set up the appointment for after my post-MRI meeting with the oncologist.

Why meet the GP at all ? Read on...

I go in, tell her that my MRI is clear, my PET scan is clear. Potential bowel cancer is relatively trivial anyway, everyone's happy with the scan results. So how are you feeling ? she asks.

Warning: heavy emotional load about to be dumped. Accuracy not guaranteed.

Not very good, I answer. Physically, fine. Emotionally, not the best. I feel as if I am going nowhere, failing to "change the world" in ways that would matter, that sort of thing. Nothing new -- I've felt like that, on and off, for years. What's new is that I now have a limited time to change anything.

Past years I could say, Perhaps next year... Now I feel that I don't have that excuse.

Just a little bit of this I explain to the GP. Not only is she sympathetic and approachable. It is a relief to talk to a doctor who is a *general* practitioner. The specialists all know their stuff. I just don't feel that they want to discuss broader -- less specialised -- issues. Perhaps it's just my own misconception. But it's a relief to let off a bit of steam with the GP.

More than that... I shift into my fast-talk mode. That's when I talk and talk and talk -- very fast. Usually because I have been silent for too long and have finally found a willing listener. Once it was when I was sitting with an Irish family and the standard style of their conversation was fast, fast, fast :-)

I really miss the opportunity to just talk. To adults. To people who are interested -- in anything. Non-judgemental, argumentative and not offended by different opinions. My own fault, really. After too many years working with people who were often... in my opinion... narrow-minded, judgemental, dismissive of ideas which were not their own or not their boss's -- I gave up. Gave up looking for interesting conversation. Gave up trying to fit in with society.

You think my ideas are a bit wacky ? Those are the simple ones that I throw out just to see if anyone is willing to debate.

Bitter ? Me ? Yep.

But not to worry. Ten minutes with the GP and I feel a lot better :-)

btw: This is not a cry for people to come and talk to me. Yuk ! Family & friends are great & enjoyable & I am very happy to keep in touch regularly or occasionally. That's just half my yearning to talk...

What I really miss is (a) the not-quite meeting of minds which share a common interest in argument for its own sake. And (b) the occasional situation where I feel appreciated for providing some knowledge, advice or just an opinion which is valued.

A friend recently wrote, I really thank you for being there. You wouldn't believe how good that made me feel.

To anyone who is reading this rant with sympathy: Thank you.

No need to do any more, I've dug my own emotional hole, I'll dig my way out of it. Or die while still trying :-)

===

Physically, I'm very well. Emotionally... it's a lot harder to describe. I'm a bloke, I don't do emotion. But writing it down does make me feel better... relieved. And this blog is for me.

I start writing with the conscious intention of getting my emotional state under control. Or, at least, clear in my own mind. So I write with a deliberate disregard for the opinions of any potential readers. With a conscious view that no-one will ever read this. True or not, that view allows me to be honest.

Honest ? Perhaps misleading... Some honesty is just an attempt to define -- for my own benefit -- how I really feel. It may turn out to be wrong. It is what I believe -- or feel -- as I am typing the words. Just getting the words down makes me feel clearer in my mind. Better able to deal with any negatives of the way that I feel.

And bugger me, but this emotional stuff really takes it out of me ! I can hardly wait for physical symptoms to reappear... I'm sure they will be a lot easier for me to deal with ! Easier for me to face honestly, anyway :-)

Phew ! Time for a quick proof-read. A note to myself to explain -- in a later post -- why I may be a closet Epicurean. Later.

For now, I have documented all. I'll go to bed. And wake up in the morning -- feeling a lot better for having got all this emotional stuff, finally, off my chest.

I feel better already :-)