a busy couple of days

it's been a busy couple of days since i did a runner from the hospital. exhaustion, upset stomach, emotional meltdown, pill popping failure, all bad. then gradual recovery -- or workaround -- for all of those. much better now, thanks :-)

===

wednesday, at home, thank goodness :-)

evening: deb is home from a tough day at work and an awkward delivery of grandson from daycare to his home. my antibiotic tablets are ready for pickup from the hospital. i say that i will drive to pick them up.

i turn into the small carpark nearest to where i need to go, it's full. several drivers see my expression -- i'm not happy, see previous post -- and jump into cars to drive away. giving me a wide berth and a choice of where to park.

in the ward, nurses cross the corridor to get away from me. the nurse at the counter hands over my tablets -- arms stretched toward me, to keep maximum distance. she apologises profusely. i turn on my heel and storm out.

 drive home along the centre white line to avoid having to change lanes. cars avoid me or else. i'm home before the police catch me.

i'm not sure if the above is 100% true. i am upset, i may have mis-remembered some details.

===

home :-) hot, sweaty, tired. but home :-)

as promised to the nurse, i swallow my antibiotic tablet. almost... at least i try.

it's enormous, i break it in half, put half in my mouth. add a mouthful of water, swallow. the pill hides under my tongue. more water, pill to top of tongue, swallow. pill is too quick, it's back under my tongue.

i move the pill to the top of my tongue. take a mouthful of water. pill and water are separate but, i think, i'll just practise swallowing. just water. get the feel of it.

i make the conscious decision to swallow some water... my tongue, mouth, jaws... will not move. i cannot even swallow water. not while that pill is in my mouth.

i have heard that it is impossible to take a block of wood and to deliberately knock yourself unconscious. it's like that. no matter how much my conscious mind says to do it, my sensible body will not do it.

okay. i spit out the somewhat soggy pill, add the other half. look for a spoon to crush the lot, swallow it mixed into yoghurt, i've done that before. i try to crush. think of the nine more in the packet. just cannot bring myself to do it. i dump the pill into the bin. the rest of the pills will soon follow.

then i melt down. put my head on my arms on the table and cry.

the word that comes to mind is "fragile", emotionally fragile. also physically fragile.

 i cry for a minute or two. deb politely walks around me. she has heard my accompanying language, knows what is going on.

that's it, decision made, i will not swallow those pills. now feeling much happier.

i send an email to the cancer doc... to her secretary, that is, i don't have the doc's email address. i say i am happy to try a syrup or soluble equivalent. if, that is, if there is any real reason why i should take an antibiotic. my email may be just a tad snarky.

each three week i-v chemo cycle begins with a single pill. i suggest that the next cycle should start with a syrup or soluble equivalent. just in case.

i go to bed at midnight and sleep a sound and untroubled seven hours. except...

===

my stomach is still tense. each time i wake up (still every hour or two) i need to settle my stomach with a glass of water. that works. it's not nausea, though once or twice it's heartburn. my stomach is just a bit... tense.

and there is the dream: each time i wake up it's from the same dream. i am about to start my next treatment and the treatment is a series of containers. each container reminds me of a body cell. all the cells are interconnected by thin tubes or strands. it reminds me of pictures -- very close up -- of the brain. yes, like the wikipedia diagram of a dendrite except lots of them, all interconneted. with a series of seven cells in a row, and that is my treatment.

when i see that row of seven cells -- and know that that is my next treatment -- i feel relief. what does it mean ? i have no idea. but i dream that same dream three or four times, possibly more. and always have the same feeling of relief when i see my "treatment". all rather strange. also strangely reassuring. for some reason :-)

===

breakfast time. i'm feeling okay. except for a tense stomach. that problem is soon explained...

i eat three mouthfuls of cereal -- and have to dash away from the table. to sit down where i can lean back. to remove pressure from my stomach. which feels as though it may explode. it's not the oft-promised nausea. it's the exploding stomach. here is my explanation:

i am eating but not very much. in hospital in particular, i eat each meal provided. i eat biscuit and cheese snacks. none of this is as filling as my normal diet. a hospital diet is nutritional and balanced -- but not balanced for me.

even at home, my tense stomach puts me off eating. last night's dinner was particularly light but it was all i could eat.

my stomach has shrunk to the size of a dinosaur's brain. a very small organ in a quite large body. when i eat i am quickly full so i don't eat much. the stomach continues to shrink.

the capacity shrinks, the actual organ may not. the fat gut is still there... aside: this morning i weigh 83kg: ten below my top bloat weight, ten above my target. about as much as a few weeks back, before chemo. i still wear my new fat pants. anyway...

my stomach is too small to hold more than a few mouthfuls of food, then it feels full, bloated, ready to explode. so i eat a very small breakfast.

then i rest. come back for a few more mouthfuls of breakfast. repeat till i have eaten a good breakfast. given this slow eating, my stomach accepts what is given. i eat small snacks every hour or two.

dinner is a reasonably sized meal eaten in six instalments, one every 10 or 20 minutes. it works! i now feel full but not bloated. perhaps i should have stopped at five? i believe that i shall sleep well tonight. and comfortably.

===

during the day we go for a run... i walk. a bit over 3km. slowly, feeling tired, no problems.

evening, after dinner one, i feel suddenly cold. not another chill? says deb concernedly. yes, i say but... i grab blankets, jumpers. wrap up warmly. in a minute or two i am hot, sweating. i cautiously and slowly remove blankets and jumpers. chill crisis averted, back to my multi-course dinner.

that's what happens: i eat, blood rushes to my stomach, rest of body loses heat distribution. especially bad when i have not eaten for a while. this time, i deal with it. no worries... phew :-)

i'm feeling positive. let's see how the night goes...

====    Dr Nick Lethbridge  /  Consulting Dexitroboper
Agamedes Consulting / Problems? Solved.
===

"I think and think, for months, for years. Ninety-nine times the conclusion is false. The hundredth time I am right." … Einstein
===

dying for you to read my blog: notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com.au :-)
====