Not Dead Yet !: feeling down, feeling up

Today I wake up feeling a lot better. A lot, lot better. Emotionally, that is, though emotion does affect or reflect physical and possibly mental.

For the last few days I've been a bit gloomy. Lots of swearing at inanimate objects. (Close, you stupid door!) Less enthusiasm for doing anything, anything at all. Sleeping a lot.

Could be that a good night's sleep has fixed me, nine hours last night. That does not explain why feeling better started last night before I went to sleep.

As I fall asleep I think, We must get to Sculptures by the Sea tomorrow...

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There are -- for the last week or so -- a few things on my mind. Upcoming lung function test. Finding a phone app developer. Eh?

I've been trying to find someone to develop a phone app for me. Phone plus cloud storage plus possibly web, app. Some commercial companies provide a development cost guesser: I tick the appropriate boxes, the estimate comes back at $34,000 to $104,000. Nooo, I don't think so.

I'd like to spend one or two cups of coffee. There's a suggestion that I get a student to do the work as a project. Good idea! I contact a couple of universities... Have you ever tried to ask an unexpected question of a university?

On a related topic: I once spent four or more weeks trying to contact a political minister. I finally spoke with a policy advisor. The final advice was useful only in that it said, Give up trying.

I look at university websites. There are phone numbers for general enquiries. I phoned, was passed on, left a message, heard no more.

Have universities never heard of email?

I found some general email addresses... If I'd wanted to enrol, fine. Otherwise, try "enquiries@...". So I tried that one (at two universities), waited a week. Sent two emails asking, Any luck? Waited another week. Sent two more enquires asking, Is this email address monitored? And I copied those emails, one to "complaints@", the other to something similar.

Complaints replied! And forwarded my message. And now I wait. Again.

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At the same time I am waiting to do a lung function test. I know nothing about what will be involved. I only know that my cancer drugs may cause some damage to my lungs. So there will be a before & after lung function test.

I have no idea what is involved in such a test. I also have not heard that there could be treatment to repair any lung damage... Just a before & after measure so that someone can say, Yep, there was damage. From a patient's point of view: so what?

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Plus, there is the general stress of waiting for a week of intensive chemotherapy. By drip feed to the veins. Another new and not wanted experience...

Not wanted? More on that later.

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Friday, the lung function test is trivial.

Breathe, hold, puff, keep blowing, that sort of thing. Variations on breathing in, breathing out. Nothing to worry about -- now that I have done it.

Was that really what was worrying me?

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Nine hours sleep, I wake up feeling fine. Was I just short on sleep? Possibly... except that I went to bed -- utterly exhausted -- feeling just as fine. Tomorrow we must go to Sculptures by the Sea, I think as I fall asleep. The same thought as when I wake up.

I even wake up from a dream which causes me to think, That was a very positive dream... No memory of the detail but it could have been to do with protecting the green environment. Nothing to do with cancer I think, as I wake up and quickly forget the detail. But definitely positive.

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We go to Sculpture by the Sea. Very enjoyable. I switch my sarcasm level to low and simply chuckle at some of the work. And enjoy some.

A fine morning's entertainment. I'm feeling -- emotionally, physically, mentally -- quite well :-)

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An aside: I have no ability as a home handyman. Yet I managed to buy & put together a plastic paddle pool. Half filled it with sand. Watched as grandson dug the sand, squirted the hose, generally soaked himself and the surroundings... Immensely good fun for all of us. Very satisfying for the person (me) who thought of it :-)

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Right now, I have no great worries about future drip-feeding of anti-cancer drugs. I check the Wikipedia entries for the three drugs: two say that it is not known how they fight cancer, the third is though to fight via some effect on DNA. Who knows? Who cares :-) Poke in those drip-feed cannulas? Who cares, my veins are big enough for a narrow-boat. Side-effects? I'll get by :-)

Hair falling out side effect? Too late... it's been cut short already; a preemptive crew-cut. And it's already thin due to age. Today, I'm ready. Today, I'm cheerful :-)

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Today, I'm thinking about the decision to have the chemo. Short term pain for long term gain, says the doc. What long term? I think. Long enough, I reply.

I don't plan to try absolutely anything to "survive". I accept that my brain cancer is terminal. That does not mean that I have given up.

I reject suggestions that I should eat only kale and celery and other boring salads. That suggestion was rejected at first sight then rejected when Deb said, Okay, cook it yourself. My diet is healthy enough, I'll settle for that.

I reject the pretend-medical quacks and the mystical powers of faith healers. A sudden splurge of spam to this blog reminded me of this; a barely literate series of comments suggested that witch-doctor ooboogubu could cure all my ills? Deleted as spam as soon as I saw them.

Power of positive thinking? Okay, I'll go with that -- but I will not pay anyone else to suggest how that will help. (Grateful, however, for the people who have said that they are praying for me.)

My own version of positive thinking does not believe that it will cure cancer. Delay its return? Possibly. Really, though, my own positive thinking is to accept and to enjoy the here and now.

A tee shirt spotted at this morning's beach visit said, All we have is Now. Not quite my view, but a good thought. Enjoy Now, look forward to the future. Make plans, don't worry too much about feasibility.

Which means: chemo for my ball cancer may seem pointless. After all, the brain cancer will kill me. So what? The brain cancer is not yet killing me. It is -- right now -- not showing on a scan.

I sign up for chemo. Lots of discomfort. Radiation would be easier but less effective. What if the brain cancer holds off for... however long? Then I will have time to get over chemo. Time in which I will be less worried about ball cancer. Time which I will definitely enjoy.

And if there is no time in which to enjoy? Well pfft. What are the odds, eh :-)

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Another random memory to be blogged:

A visit to my GP. I prod her gently about her health check which found me to be perfectly healthy, just before I was not. Not to worry, I say, there were no symptoms, no reason to look inside my head. No fault for either of us.

The ball cancer, though -- that was all my own fault. Hard testicle? I should have stopped holiday plans. (Was I on holiday... or still planning?! Even worse.) Perhaps I could have prevented the spread of that cancer. I'd still be short one ball, though perhaps not needing radiation, chemo, worry...

Thinking back: would I have had this anti-ball-cancer chemo much earlier -- if I had not also been getting treatment for the brain? Not sure. It does sound possible.

Anyway... my own stupid fault for going so long with a hard and swollen testicle. As I've said before: Let that be a lesson to you! If you're male, that is...

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Time for a run, Deb says so. I'm feeling so well that I barely object. I'll save this as a draft, check & post when I get back.

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We ran round Bayswater, mostly along the river. Very pleasant. With a shared iced coffee at the end :-) Time to post...