long day, late night :-)

I walk to the nearest shop, while Deb goes for her standard training run. My walk is all very slow, all very easy -- until I'm almost home. I'm hit by leg cramps. Very mild -- but annoying. And I'm only strolling. Strange :-(

After dinner I go to bed early. Feeling rather tired.

Half an hour later and I'm no longer tired! And my legs are cramping. Again.

Oh well Things to do, so I do...

I'm in touch with an app development company -- in New York. So now I need to -- once again -- wrap my mind around exactly what I want. And document it. See how far they read before they run scared :-)

Several hours later... and I'm still going. But I'm tired again! So... time to get back to bed.

Back to it tomorrow. Or... tomorrow night. I think NY is 12 hours behind. No use sending them stuff while they are still on their weekend.

Dr Nick Lethbridge / Consulting Dexitroboper

...        Agamedes Consulting / Problems ? Solved

===

"No matter how much you push the envelope, it will still be stationery"

===

Dying for you to read my blog, at https://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com/ :-)

Moving Right Along

An exciting day: today we remove the sticky dressing. Deb does it...

Well, not only am I *not* going to tug at a sticky bandage! I can't see it. Even in a mirror, the bandage is off to one side. Towards the back. So Deb does all the hard work: Cutting away from my hair, pulling off my skin. Painless really but I complain anyway :-) Soon done.

Then Deb smears on some antibacterial cream that came from the hospital. Deb feels happier for doing it.

Next instructions are, Do not wash, let air dry. Deb dabs off some dried blood. Otherwise, it looks fine. Apparently.

A foot-long raised scar, stitched closed. But neatly stitched. With no sign of anything nasty. So that's fine.

Better yet -- I can't see the scar, either. Fine by me :-) I pat it. Carefully, gently. Now I leave it alone.

===

Now Deb worries that I am resting too much.

I read a bit about recovery from anaesthetic and brain surgery. I may have come home and been pumped up by dex -- and adrenaline. Now I'm tired... so I rest.

Sure, Deb is a woman. She can pop out a baby then be back picking turnips all afternoon. Me, if I'm tired -- I rest. Deb knows me, I think she believes me. Still, she decides that she will increase my dex dose -- dex is an upper -- to the pre-op level. So tomorrow I'll need to remember to pretend to be awake :-)

Meanwhile... I have a good rest after dinner. Now I'm feeling more lively. I've even managed to book accommodation for our short trip to Pemberton. Easy, now I'm half awake :-)

Dr Nick Lethbridge / Consulting Dexitroboper

...        Agamedes Consulting / Problems ? Solved

===

"No matter how much you push the envelope, it will still be stationery"

===

Dying for you to read my blog, at https://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com/ :-)

wow! tired

Today is shopping day. My job is to push the trolley through two sets of shops. Easy enough.

Earlier, I pass on the offer to go for a walk, Deb runs, I sleep instead.

There's more sleeping. Eating. Sitting. A few emails to send.

Now for my final task: find somewhere to stay near Pemberton, for a few days in October.

It is completely beyond me!

I think I have the correct dates. I can't work out "departure date" on the online forms. Does this link lead to a website? How can I filter to only see what is actually available? No idea...

No, all too difficult. I think I'd better go to bed...

Doing nothing all day has been surprisingly exhausting :-)

Dr Nick Lethbridge / Consulting Dexitroboper

...        Agamedes Consulting / Problems ? Solved

===

"No matter how much you push the envelope, it will still be stationery"

===

Dying for you to read my blog, at https://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com/ :-)

All so normal

I'm exhausted. Hungry. Getting a cold. Barely recovered from brain surgery. Miserably expecting to die from cancer. Waiting for nothing nice.

No I'm not :-)

I'm getting ready for bed. It suddenly hits me. Everything is absolutely normal.

It's winter. I dislike the cold of winter. Breathing the cold dry air makes inside my mouth and throat feel like a badly burnt chip. I always believe I'm about to get a cold. Sometimes I do.

Today I snooze. I sleep. I rest. I plan. Even do a bit. Go for a very pleasant walk. Eat a delicious dinner. Cold symptoms fade away. Okay, I'm still tired... All normal.

I'm heading for bed. Tired enough to sleep some more. Happy. Fit enough, well enough. I'm fine.

The thought pops up: really, everything is normal. Perhaps not the normal normal :-) certainly so normal that I can't complain... Of course I will complain. But that, is perfectly normal.

I go to bed and sleep. My normal, very sound I'm-at-home sleep. With barely a grumble at how cold it is each time I get up to go to the toilet. Blasted winter, so cold.

As normal :-)

Nick Lethbridge    /    Consulting Dexitroboper
Agamedes Consulting    /   Problems? Solved.
   ===

The more things change, the more they stay insane ... per Ginger Meggs
   

Reset

As we go to bed Deb is a bit worried. Okay I reassure her. Another operation but now I'm feeling fine. So I'll just adjust our planning horizon. Rather than ththree-plus years I'll plan just two and a half ahead. Makes no difference really, three years allows for overseas trips. Covid has stopped them.

So our new planning horizon, adjusted for new reality, is two and a half years. Plus a bit :-) Early January 2024 I think it's as far as I plan to plan.

Still a long time. I think we're both happy with that.

3am I wake up. Realise there are things to do. I get up, go down to thePC.

First I contact Perth Trail Series. Put us down for the Pemby trail Series in October, I write. Me for the short run... walk. I expect that I'll spend quite a few months not allowed to run, just walk. Deb, I write, wants to run 10km. Take that :-) Okay, one commitment, holiday with possible run... Planned.

Next, I register for the next 24 hour rogaine. I include Deb's sister in the team. I add a note, the team may change... Or vanish :-) that will be late in June.

Enough sitting on our backsides. Now we're back into planning and -- hopefully -- doing. Definitely  slowly and carefully.

Late morning. Deb goes for a run. I walk. A beautiful day. 

I accept that an app development company will not do what I want. So I contact a person I haven't seen for 20 or 30 years. She may be able to help. She may remember me :-)

===

Mid afternoon. Deb and her sister chat on the phone. Between them they manage to build up a mild panic. What do I do about the dressing on my head? What do I do when the pills run out? Do I go back to pre-op levels of Dex? When do I need to see the surgeon and the oncologist?

It all seems simple enough to me. I guess I'll see the docs some Thursday, they only appear on Thursdays. The dressing is being pushed off by growing hair, maybe it'll fall of. No need to rush it.

Deb is in a mild panic so I phone and email. Set up appointments. Not soon, it'll take ages for the removed lump to be analysed. I can remove the dressing of at the end of this week. As if! I may just wait till the hair Falls out and takes the dressing with it. Then the scar can air dry. No hair washing for a while.

I think the panic is over :-)

Don't ask me how, I feel as though I have a cold :-(

Nick Lethbridge    /    Consulting Dexitroboper
Agamedes Consulting    /   Problems? Solved.
   ===

The more things change, the more they stay insane ... per Ginger Meggs
   

How easily we forget !

Well, okay, the weekend -- missed -- rogaine was only 12 hours, not 24. I'm sure that I'd have realised if we actually turned up :-)

Now it's time to think: will we register for the next? Which is late in June and definitely 24 hours. Oh, I'm sure we'll be ready to rogaine by then... to our usual relaxed standards :-) Anyway: we have the Mixed Ultravets trophy to return :-)

I'm home now. Relaxed. Had the usual post-hospital, now-on-drugs battle with constipation. My least favourite side-effect :-(

Several hours later and -- huge relief -- I'm feeling fine... I feel the urge to step outside.

Deb & I start walking, the rain continues, we go back inside. An hour later, we try again.

Beautiful cool weather. Fresh and clear by the lake. I get as far as "the far playground" then send Deb on alone. With a credit card and an order for coffee and cake. We sit, we eat, we drink, we stroll home again. What a very pleasant outing :-)

Home for lunch. Followed by more resting.

I send an email to the surgeon and the oncologist, to set up post-op appointments.

Now relaxing some more.

Dr Nick Lethbridge / Consulting Dexitroboper

...        Agamedes Consulting / Problems ? Solved

===

"No matter how much you push the envelope, it will still be stationery"

===

Dying for you to read my blog, at https://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com/ :-)

Not Rogaining

We were registered for this weekend's 24 hour winter rogaine. This could have involved up to 24 hours walking round farmland near Kojonup. Following a map, looking for control points. Me with half vision -- and I'm the team navigator -- it could have been fun :-)

Being wimpy ultravets, our actual plan was: Start at noon Saturday, walk 5 or 6 hours till early dark. Eat dinner -- sneak away to sleep in a cabin in the caravan park. Then return at dawn Sunday for another 5 or 6 hours' walking.

Being even more wimpy, my operation caused us to cancel the entire rogaine.

I'm wandering upstairs, back to a warm snug bed, a warm snug wife... Listening to the rain. It's been raining here all day. I wonder when the rain started in Kojonup?

Quick operation. Home and dry. No rogaining in the rain. And that -- definitely -- is something to be glad about :-) ... Sort of... :-?

Nick Lethbridge    /    Consulting Dexitroboper
Agamedes Consulting    /   Problems? Solved.
   ===

The more things change, the more they stay insane ... per Ginger Meggs
   

Here we go with dex

Immediately post-op and I'm on a high dosage of dex. How high? No idea. But I do know that it will decrease in three days, then again in another three days. The dex reduces swelling due to the operation.

I also take a drug to settle my stomach after thhe dex. And an anti-convulsant, brain surgery can lead to convulsions. Possibly. The drug is a precaution. In hospital I was also fed Panadols though I had no pain. Still no pain.

Not much in the way of medication.

The ddex reduces swelling, that's essential. Less essential: dex builds appetite and is an upper, it keeps me awake.

3am Monday morning and the dex upper has finally beaten my general tiredness. Sleep is no longer an option. No worries, there's always plenty to do.

First I test my idea for telling the time from the bedside clock.

The clock is a standard rectangular digital display. If I sit up and look at it it says 244 -- what I can see. Should that be 1244? I don't see the digit to the left.

So I keep my head on the pillow. Look at the clock as top-to-bottom: yes, definitely 244. Easy :-) Time to get up.

I was almost trapped in the hospital because my bladder was never empty. I would pee -- or try to -- but a magic machine showed a cup ot two of urine still remaining. At home -- no performance pressure -- I just wee. Is my bladder actually empty? It would be interesting to know -- but I don't know. So I don't worry. I pee.

Then go downstairs to make a fresh cup of tea. Blissful ignorance? So easy.

I'll post this -- needs a careful spell-check -- then I can write a bit more for my life story.

It's good to be home :-)   Frreeeedom!!

Nick Lethbridge    /    Consulting Dexitroboper
Agamedes Consulting    /   Problems? Solved.
   ===

The more things change, the more they stay insane ... per Ginger Meggs
   

Done?

I think the photo loaded. And that's my best side :-)

--

Dr Nick Lethbridge / Consulting Dexitroboper ... Agamedes Consulting / Problems ? Solved === "I have seen the TRUTH -- and my chains have been broken" … Thrall === Dying for you to read my blog, at https://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com.au/ :-)

Home tired relaxed

A good night's sleep. Tired, relaxed. Glad to be home. Time to test my tech competence... I'll try to post one of the scar photos. 

--

Dr Nick Lethbridge / Consulting Dexitroboper ... Agamedes Consulting / Problems ? Solved === "I have seen the TRUTH -- and my chains have been broken" … Thrall === Dying for you to read my blog, at https://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com.au/ :-)

phew! Home sgain :-))

About 4am I start telling everyone that I want to go home. Ready or not :-) Everyone -- at least the medical decision-makers -- finally agree. Deb is not really sure that she wants to look after me, so soon after ICU. But she picks me up. So glad to see each other. There's pills to take home. Lots of dex, reducing every three days or so. The nurse explains it all -- better yet, it's all written down.

Dex, anti-dex (stomach settler). Kappra or Keppra, anti-convulsion. Panadol is not on the list, it was a regular in the hospital. If I need it I guess.

The nurse takes a photo of the scar. I take a very quick look. Longer than the last, very impressive. now covered with a plaster thank goodness. Out of sight anyway, further back on my head, I hope to never see it.

We get home. aaaahhhh :-)

I settle on the couch and fall asleep.

Wake up for some dinner. Sleep again. Lots of sleep. Still tired.

I have a crumpet with lots of butter and honey. Real food. Now sipping good tea. Wondering if I can be bothered going to bed.

I've been up and down stairs, testing my ability. and reassuring Deb. No worries.

I shall get into pyjamas then decide whether to sleep upstairs or down. Probably upstairs... eventually. With Deb :-)

So nice to be home.

Nick Lethbridge    /    Consulting Dexitroboper
Agamedes Consulting    /   Problems? Solved.
   ===

The more things change, the more they stay insane ... per Ginger Meggs
   

Escape!

Late morning and the surgeon comes by. I'd already seen a physio, he was happy. I celebrated with a few laps of the corridor.

I told the surgeon at I had told the nurses, I'm ready to go home today. Ready? Well I want to go home. Surgeon suggested a compromise, tomorrow. I said let's compromise on today. He had to speak to the physician. But to the chase... I'm heading home now :-)

--

Dr Nick Lethbridge / Consulting Dexitroboper ... Agamedes Consulting / Problems ? Solved === "I have seen the TRUTH -- and my chains have been broken" … Thrall === Dying for you to read my blog, at https://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com.au/ :-)

Independent movement

I unplug the pantaloons pump and get out of bed. Wander round the room. What a relief. Some one comes in with tea and biscuits and pills. I wander. No comment. I end up on a chair by the window. May try the toilet. Later.

Nick Lethbridge    /    Consulting Dexitroboper
Agamedes Consulting    /   Problems? Solved.
   ===

The more things change, the more they stay insane ... per Ginger Meggs
   

I want out

6am I call the nurse. Just plug my phone in to charge. I,m chained to the bloody bed. Cup of tea? No I'm on restricted fluid. Fuck.

Would I like to go to the toilet. Why not. Nothing passes. Yes there's 390ml in my bladder. Would I like a catheter. Fuck no I'd rather burst my bladder. I want to check out today. At home I can pee when I want to. And drink when I want. Fuck.

I want to check out tomorrow. You're just out of ICU. Yes I think out.

See what the doctors say tomorrow. Sure. Doctors are few and far between in this place.

Do I want the light off? No I want to just sit here and be bored. Is Read a book if I could get to it. Shall I get it? No, not worth the effort, I don't know if I can really be bothered reading. Anyway there's stuff to read on the tablet.

I want to be out of here. I want to be home.

Nick Lethbridge    /    Consulting Dexitroboper
Agamedes Consulting    /   Problems? Solved.
   ===

The more things change, the more they stay insane ... per Ginger Meggs
   

Lump

Did I cover this? The surgeon said that there's a large hole in my brain where he removed a lump. Deb and I agree, a lump says, cancer. Pathology may say what type of cancer. But cancer -- based on that one word and our interpretation -- lump says cancer.

No surprise, the cancer has grown back. In a different but logically connected site.

Which puts m me back where I was three years ago. Cancerous with a terminal cancer. With various treatment options. No cure. Just possible delaying actions.

Surgery, done.

Radiation. If pathology does indicate radiation necrosis then, perhaps avoid more radiation. or, balance the risks :-)

Chemo. There's only one drug against my gbm4 it's only effective for six months. I've already had it for the six months. Still, may be worth trying again.

I guess there's the sort of tailored miracle drug which gets an occasional mention in the paper. Depends on analysis of my tumour, I guess.

As a fully paid up member of the HEMP Party I should consider cannabis. But I won't :-)

So, wait and see what the oncologist suggests. Whatever it is... It's still just a delaying action. Oh well.

I've stopped enjoying the hospital. Time to get home. Back to enjoying life... However many months at a time it is this time :-)

Nick Lethbridge    /    Consulting Dexitroboper
Agamedes Consulting    /   Problems? Solved.
   ===

The more things change, the more they stay insane ... per Ginger Meggs
   

Enough

 Well I've had enough of this place.

Last time I would pace the corridors. Round and Round. This time thanks to the leg pump I can't even have a pee without calling a nurse. What I want to do is recharge this tablet. Perhaps the plug and wire are within reach. Who knows. It's the middle of the night. Dark. I've had enough. I want to go home.

And the bloody keyboard is driving me mad.

I checked the calendar. Saturday. That's weekend. I may be ready to go home on the weekend. Fucking yes. Yes I'm ready to go home. Had enough of being chained to a bloody hospital bed. Time to go home.

I could read a book take my mind of things. Book is in my case. Need to call the nurse to get the book. Bloody hell. Enough. Bloody awful. I want to go home.

Pumping pantaloons

I'm wearing the latest in anti,-clot wear: long stockings which regularly massage my calf muscles, really annoying and a little bit uncomfortable.

they are attached to a pump at the foot of the bed. To walk anywhere I need to be disconnected then reconnected. I limit my walking...

Doctors seen concerned that I am drinking to much. For a while I pee into a bottle to make sure that I'm not holding onto fluid, or something.

Of course they also discover an old secret, that when I finish peeing -- there is still 200 or 300ml left in my bladder. That was a surprise after my first brain op, now it's just how it is. Floppy bladder? Not causing any other problem as far as I know. It's one of the body's little mysteries. Excites the nurses though.

Now we've settled into a routine. Nurses wake me up to measure blood pressure, sugar -- quite high now -- etc. I get unhooked from the pump. Go to the toilet without falling over. Get back to bed, get hooked to the pump. Take various pills. Go back to sleep for a few hours. Then repeat.

I just proofread the above. Stupid Swype keyboard is fast but types nonsense.

I'm feeling fine. Quite cheerful. Awake enough to post to the blog. Not yet relaxed enough to get back to reading the rather good book that I brought with me. Maybe when I can fetch it without needing to be unhooked from the pump... Stupid pump.

Btw: there was something I really wanted to do before the op. But only one person I would have trusted to do it for me. Too late now. It seems it was not needed. I wanted to write on the side of my head, Open with care.

Nick Lethbridge    /    Consulting Dexitroboper
Agamedes Consulting    /   Problems? Solved.
   ===

The more things change, the more they stay insane ... per Ginger Meggs
   

61 15b

I'm wheeled back to the ward. What a relief. At least it will be a relief when I get the nurses to leave me alone...

My bladder was scanned as empty. Ten minutes later I was escorted to the toilet where I peed a cupful. Nurses want to measure it. I pressed the call button then was nearly back at the bed before nurses arrived. I need to walk round the room at least. A bit restless. Now hoping for the coffee trolley. Meanwhile I may just rest some more:-)

--

Dr Nick Lethbridge / Consulting Dexitroboper ... Agamedes Consulting / Problems ? Solved === "I have seen the TRUTH -- and my chains have been broken" … Thrall === Dying for you to read my blog, at https://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com.au/ :-)

Another visitor.

I'm fairly certain she was the oncologist. People seem to think that I know who they are, just because I've seen them so often before:-)

Yes as I expected dex dose is higher post op

--

Dr Nick Lethbridge / Consulting Dexitroboper ... Agamedes Consulting / Problems ? Solved === "I have seen the TRUTH -- and my chains have been broken" … Thrall === Dying for you to read my blog, at https://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com.au/ :-)

Back to the ward

I've eaten dinner. Surgeon dropped by. All went as I expected ct scan looks good. Just a new big hole in the brain. Where alump was removed. I'll be back in on a ward soon I'm disconnected from ICU Ready to move. Waiting for a bed.

Phone is almost flat but I phoned Deb who then visited. It's all happening and all seems good :-)

Phone is on flight mode till I can recharge in the ward. Bah humbug technology eh! But it's good :-)

--

Dr Nick Lethbridge / Consulting Dexitroboper ... Agamedes Consulting / Problems ? Solved === "I have seen the TRUTH -- and my chains have been broken" … Thrall === Dying for you to read my blog, at https://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com.au/ :-)

Breakfast

Chicken broth jelly tea not much but good. Eyes are dim  I ask nurse to tell me what is on tray. Light does not turn on I get curtain opened--

Dr Nick Lethbridge / Consulting Dexitroboper ... Agamedes Consulting / Problems ? Solved === "I have seen the TRUTH -- and my chains have been broken" … Thrall === Dying for you to read my blog, at https://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com.au/ :-)

Anaesthetist just dropped by. All well I told him :-)

ICU in curtained off as I want. ckground noise. Some hospital trolleys etc. mostly tv and conversation, which I find annoying. Working with Tiny phone keyboard. Breakfast arrives looks like nothing much. Jelly. Can feel grumpy mood building. As usual:-)

--

Dr Nick Lethbridge / Consulting Dexitroboper ... Agamedes Consulting / Problems ? Solved === "I have seen the TRUTH -- and my chains have been broken" … Thrall === Dying for you to read my blog, at https://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com.au/ :-)

Need to know

I'm in ICU, been here all night, mostly snoozing. Feeling a lot low missing Deb. I ask about a phone. Butter me my case and phone have followed me to ICU no one thought to tell me. Finally I call Deb and feel a lot better. Deb too she had not heard much. So to fill in...

I have a sticky bandage on my head further back than I would expect.

I I have a needle in one wrist. One in my outer thigh. Catheter in my penis. Oxygen dribbling into nose was removed. Ginger thing still measuring.

Had yoghurt yesterday with a hint that I should not have. Dinner provided I ate it all. Pills two Panadol one dex. 

One nurse decided she would empty catheter bag. Filled a jug said she'd look for a bigger jug:-)

Bowlers are starting to fart. So digestion is much as usual. So far

Only op info was from night doc arriving. He knew nothing but... no notes about anything unexpected. So it seems that all went as expected. So now wait weeks for pathology analysis.

Morning plan includes visit from surgeon and a cat scan. Plus visitors :-) all whenever. Now for coffee and rest.

Feeling good. 

Oh yes with annoying compression sock's which constantly massage my lower legs. And just had a kapra, anti convulsion tablet.

--

Dr Nick Lethbridge / Consulting Dexitroboper ... Agamedes Consulting / Problems ? Solved === "I have seen the TRUTH -- and my chains have been broken" … Thrall === Dying for you to read my blog, at https://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com.au/ :-)

Awake

4:15am couple of hours till I'll be woken up to be knocked out. I've been sleeping soundly an hour at a time. Unhappy away from home by which I mean Deb. Home is where Deb is :-) 

Last first other brain op I was somewhat ga ga no mind  to worry. Not really worried now, not about the operation. But.

Every operation has a risk. Just in case, carefully considered last words... Bye all, Love you Deb :-)

Last words from me? Ha! You wish :-)

--

Dr Nick Lethbridge / Consulting Dexitroboper ... Agamedes Consulting / Problems ? Solved === "I have seen the TRUTH -- and my chains have been broken" … Thrall === Dying for you to read my blog, at https://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com.au/ :-)

evening

Dinner arrives, very nice. I had ticked almost every box, it's a solid meal. All it lacks is an incredibly sweet dessert... Oh, yes, I have gained 3 or 4 kilos in the last couple of weeks.

I was told to expect a chest x-ray but, no. No sign of chest problems so no need.

Deb's sister drops by to say hello. Always a pleasure :-)

the nurse arrives and wires me for an ECG. Measures... hmmm... measures again... The results, she says, are "borderline". Neither of us know what that means.

The nurse goes off to contact a doctor (the admissions doc?) Is "borderline" okay? I read google and wikipedia.

Almost 8pm and the anaesthetist arrives. Nice bloke. Poor bloke is just heading home for dinner.

8:15pm the nurse returns, it's okay to remove the ECG stickers, she does.

My best guess: The ECG is calibrated for an average person. I'm borderline because I'm not average. Sounds good to me :-)

I'm drinking a cup of tea plus a cup of coffee. (I'll sleep if I'm tired.) Eating biscuits. Preparing to fast from midnight.

There's a mysterious beep-beep-beeping from... somewhere. I can hear a man, in another room, groaning. Possibly trying to clamber out of bed, I hear a nurse say, Well done. I think I need to close my door.

Perhaps read a bit.

Then sleep.

Nick Lethbridge    /    Consulting Dexitroboper
Agamedes Consulting    /   Problems? Solved.
   ===

The more things change, the more they stay insane ... per Ginger Meggs
   

into the hospital

I wake up, may as well get up. The sun gets up an hour later. I need to relax, I read my favourite book, Lord of the Rings. Always makes me feel better :-)

Breakfast. Inspired by Masterchef kumquat plus something, I experiment with pate and marmalade, it works very well.

Finally time to pack, shower, get ready to go. I get in a foul mood... I tell Deb, don't worry, I'll be fine as soon as we get to the hospital. Not the operation, it's staying away from home that I hate.

Sure enough... we walk into the hospital -- and I'm fine.

A forgotten form to sign. I walk to the surgeon's office, sign -- a consent form. Perhaps if I don't consent :-? ... I sign. From then on every interview includes, The consent form is missing -- it's in the surgeon's office -- okay...

12 noon and I'm admitted. Deb is keeping me company. Which is nice :-) We're excorted to ward 61, neurology.

Hmmm: I'm using a keyboard which tends to double-type. There's no spell-check. My eyes are dodgy. Any odd words are purely the fault of... something else.

People I expect to see today: the surgeon. an admitting doctor, never really been explained. anaesthetist. lots of nurses.

No sign of any doctors. Deb & I go downstairs for coffee and cake. Later: no sign of any doctors. Deb goes home soon after 2:30.

I see lots of nurses. And the tea lady :-) Three o'clock -- or later -- and the surgeon drops by, dressed for bike riding. Accompanied by someone... either we're not introduced or I forget. Yes, I'm slipping into the unthinking patient role, just answer questions and do as told, when told. By whoever. Easy :-)

But I do remember to ask some questions:

I'm booked in for 8am surgery, head of the queue I think. I'll wake up later -- no estimate when -- in ICU. The surgeon will remove anything / everything that causes a shadow on the MRI. He's keen to tell me "everything", not just sampling. So I should come out much as I am now -- only damaged tissue, necrosis and/or tumour -- to be removed. Yes, he will be able to eyeball the brain. Using a camera on a stick (my interpretation). So I come out unchanged... Pathology tests on what he removes will tell us: is it a tumour (more worry) or necrosis (back to regular worrying).

If all goes as expected I should be ready to leave the hospital on Monday. If I'm a good boy, it could be earlier. I email Deb, she wants to know. Hoow long will she need to be worrying...

It's a waiting game, says one of the nurses.

After 4pm the assistant admitting doc arrives.

Twenty minutes later the admitting doc arrives, runs through the same questions and simple "neurological" tests. Pupil dilation. Reflexes. Muscles work, heart and lungs work. Oh, and 82.6kg is my freshly-measured weight.

Ten past five. Nurse pops in, Why do I take the dex at night? It keeps people awake. Convenience, with a meal at a regullar time, I reply. Anyway, sleep is for other people I mutter.

Still no sign of an anaesthetist. Various people have promised blood tests, ECGs, chest x-rays. Sometime. With a wake-up call at 5:30am.

Next visit -- I live in hope -- should be dinner. At 5:30. pm. Followed by evening snacks. Then fasting from midnight :-(  Not even water.

Nick Lethbridge    /    Consulting Dexitroboper
Agamedes Consulting    /   Problems? Solved.
   ===

The more things change, the more they stay insane ... per Ginger Meggs
   

pre-pre-admission

I'm out for a run. The phone rings. Luckily I'm still walking the warm-up so I can still talk. Without gasping.)

After a minute I identify the caller as being someone from St Johns, the hospital I'll be in tomorrow. I think she -- the caller -- tells me her name, I don't catch it. As far as I can tell, the only important information is that someone else -- an admissions nurse -- will phone me at 11:30.

There's some more. I tell her, I'm having trouble with your accent. By which I mean, I have no idea what you're saying.

We confirm the one clear message: expect another call at 11:30.

I hope that the next caller speaks clear English.

===

The next caller speaks English. Clearly. We go through a pre-admission Q&A. All very easy, there's "nothing" wrong with me :-)

Interesting: I had a "penile biopsy" (yes, yuk) at St Anne's, supposedly a SJoG hospital. They do not share records.

===

Still waiting for the anaesthetist to get in touch. Possibly -- as Deb suggests -- they'll wait till tomorrow, once I'm in hospital.

Dr Nick Lethbridge / Consulting Dexitroboper

...        Agamedes Consulting / Problems ? Solved

===

"No matter how much you push the envelope, it will still be stationery"

===

Dying for you to read my blog, at https://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com/ :-)

Various... gripes

I can't swallow pills. Never could. Okay, I've had to. But:

Each evening I have to take two pills. Not too big. The first couple of nights -- it was difficult. I followed the usual advice:

Put the pills at the back of the tongue, drink water. That's easy. In the past I have done that. I can drink an entire glass of water and the pills are still there. I *know* that there is something in my mouth. Something out of place -- something which feels out-of-place, unexpected... dangerous. My throat closes protectively.

This time I put the pills on the *front* of my tongue. Where food goes, ready to be swallowed. A small drink of water -- the pills are gone. The pill feels like food. It's exactly where I expect to feel food, food ready to swallow.  I swallow and it's gone.

So easy. Am I the only person who does not like to swallow pills? Where are the experts when the first advice is useless?

===

This morning I plan to run. Get dressed. Get ready. I look at g-maps to see where to go. Somewhere a bit different, I think. I look at the maps. Plot a course. The map shows a windy route. I want to go somewhere ... simple.

I want to pass a shop, buy something. What shall I carry? Credit card. Phone. Shopping bag... can't find one... find one, empty its contents on the floor. What else do I need to carry?

It's getting late. Late for a long run, anyway. It's all too difficult. Too difficult to organise myself. What about a short run? Not worth the effort. I decide to read instead.

I think that I'm just a little bit on edge :-)

===

Anyway, why do I run? Why run at all?

Okay, I do enjoy it. I feel good, after. (And during.) Running is the only exercise that I do. But why do any exercise at all? What's the point? Sounds depressing... but that's just a few seconds of doubt, soon gone.

I enjoy running. I do it to keep fit. It doesn't matter how long I can keep staying fit. It's worth the effort. And yet...

I feel that there may be a bit more. Wait for it... I can't see any crocodiles. But... I believe that -- just at the shallow end -- I may be in de Nile.

Ha!

Dr Nick Lethbridge / Consulting Dexitroboper

...        Agamedes Consulting / Problems ? Solved

===

"No matter how much you push the envelope, it will still be stationery"

===

Dying for you to read my blog, at https://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com/ :-)

Late Night and Awake

Deb and I spend today -- from 11am to nearly 8pm -- at a road crossing for the Kep ultrarun. The runners run 75 or 100km. Our job is to wait at a road crossing and make sure that they cross safely.

It's a long day. There are ( we hear later) forty runners. It's a long time between runners. That's okay, we enjoy ourselves. It's a beautiful day for being outside.

I'm not trusted as road-crossing guide, I may not notice a car :-)

I walk up the hill to the Glen Forrest Bakery. It's a small place, feels like a family concern. I buy lunch -- salad rolls -- and walk back. Half an hour.

Deb's sister joins us. She brings coffee and delicious cake. Then stays for a few hours. Enjoyable conversation. One of the topics is, What if you can't sleep at night? More on that, later.

By coincidence, some of the sister's family are nearby. More conversation.

The sister goes home. The sun sets. It gets cold but we are warmly dressed. Still enjoying ourselves: sitting, chatting, walking, sitting... waiting. The occasional runner passes by: we like to see them, they like to see us.

The sweeper passes by -- almost eight pm -- no more runners, we can leave. It's been a very pleasant day.

===

Home again. We eat a late second-dinner. (After sandwiches in the park.) Deb goes to bed. I go to bed later, I always take a while to unwind.

Four hours sound sleep... and I'm awake again. I've thought of some things to add to my slowly growing "life story". I'm thinking, remembering, not going back to sleep. So...

I get up again. Type in the newly-remembered incidents. Just a draft, I can tidy it up some other day. The incidents are documented, now I can stop thinking about them. An hour typing. time to go back to bed...

That's what I do when I can't sleep at night. Of course I have trhe luxury of being able to catch up on sleep during the day :-)

Nick Lethbridge    /    Consulting Dexitroboper
Agamedes Consulting    /   Problems? Solved.
   ===

The more things change, the more they stay insane ... per Ginger Meggs
   

too much reading

I'm reading a bit about "radiation necrosis". Interesting. I'm reading a lot about "stereotactic brain surgery". Interesting... Some of my "understanding" seems to be correct, some is... still confused.

Now I shall try to forget what I read :-( Please... back to blissful ignorance :-)

Dr Nick Lethbridge / Consulting Dexitroboper

...        Agamedes Consulting / Problems ? Solved

===

"No matter how much you push the envelope, it will still be stationery"

===

Dying for you to read my blog, at https://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com/ :-)

more running

I'm chatting with a friend who is impressed by my running. As far as I can tell... he runs just as far and just as fast. But, he says, at the end of his 7km he can't run any further. Whereas I... keep on running.

Aha! I'm still living on memories of, I Ran a Marathon. Fair enough. My marathon running was 2012 to 2016 and it still impresses *me* :-)

It's just a few weeks since I increased my distance to, Around the Lake. That's about 8km. But now... can I run further?

I go for a run... around two lakes. It ends up as 12km in two hours. Not very fast but -- it's easy. No, I didn't want to go any faster. Yes, I was tired when I finished. But I jogged all the way. And could have gone further.

I'm happy with the run. Getting back to running further... Cradle Mountain Run -- here I come :-)

===

Deb -- for some reason -- worries about me when I'm running out of sight. We have finally mastered location sharing via smartphone: Deb can see where I am, I can see where Deb is.

I'm home from my run. I send Deb a reassuring email, I'm home! Yes, replies Deb, I watched you run round Lake Monger.

Ah! the technology! Sometimes, it's useful :-)

Dr Nick Lethbridge / Consulting Dexitroboper

...        Agamedes Consulting / Problems ? Solved

===

"No matter how much you push the envelope, it will still be stationery"

===

Dying for you to read my blog, at https://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com/ :-)

Hairly Ridiculous

I probably posted about getting a haircut. Cut it short before the surgeon shaves one patch. I hadn't realised what my hair had been doing since its previous haircut.

I don't really look at my hair. Push it off my forehead. Push it round a bit till what I can see looks sort of even. Evenly spread round.

What I can see, is the front.

The hairdresser comments, Wow! look at all this hair! She holds it up, 20cm of thick grey hair. Then, as instructed, it's all cut off. A "number four" all over.

When I get home I realise, all that grey hair was to the left. On the side that was neither cut nor radiated. To the right, it's ... different.

Look at me from my left. What you see is a grey-haired old codger with long lanky hair. Look at me from the right... What you see is an old codger with thin white hair on an exposed pink scalp. One head, two looks.

Ridiculous :-)

Next haircut will be a "number two" all over. A good view of my pale and pink scalp. With some fine white hair on my right. Patches of nothing. Short grey hair on my left.

Colour scheme based on the pink and grey galah. Fair enough :-)

Nick Lethbridge    /    Consulting Dexitroboper
Agamedes Consulting    /   Problems? Solved.
   ===

The more things change, the more they stay insane ... per Ginger Meggs
   

ouch!

It's about 2:30 am. I wake up with a cramp in a calf.

I'm instantly awake. Shifting my leg, carefully. Shifting my body, carefully. Making the moves to minimise the pain. To prevent the full-blown agony of a rock-hard knot in the muscle. Luckily I'm an expert at this :-)

I get the muscle down to a dull ache. I'm able to shuffle -- carefully -- to the bathroom for a drink of water, essential in cramp fix and prevention. Back to bed...

Still a dull but threatening ache. Can't relax. I get up, decide I may as well go downstairs... carefully :-)

I make a cup of tea, may as well enjoy this. Tea is still too hot to drink so I drink more water. And eat salted peanuts with extra salt, salt is the other cramp-fixer.

Since taking up running -- quite a few years ago now! -- I've learnt a lot about cramp. Including this: A cramp is more likely on a day that starts with a run (yes, today) and which then involves a lot of sitting around (today, tick).

I should have seen it coming and drunk a lot more water on my way to bed.

===

No matter how much -- or how little -- I drink before bed -- I get up every hour or so to pee. I blame the dex. Why not?! I also blame the dex -- possibly with more cause -- for my ability to fart from one end of the house to the next. Quite satisfying, really.

===

I also blame the dex for restless sleeping.

I'll sleep for a couple of hours -- or eight -- then wake up restless. Sometimes I'll get back to sleep. Sometimes I'll get up, go downstairs, do ... something. Something such as, drink tea to relax. Post to the blog, to get whatever -- eg a cramp! -- off my mind. Rub and shake my calf muscle, be sure that it has finished with cramping.

Then back to bed again, for more sleep... maybe.

A benefit of not working, of having few time commitments: I can sleep when I want. Catch up on sleep, later, or not. Do what I want... when I want... when I'm ready to do it.

It's not insomnia. I'm fitting my activities to match when I happen to be awake. And sleeping... when I happen to be asleep :-)

Nick Lethbridge    /    Consulting Dexitroboper
Agamedes Consulting    /   Problems? Solved.
   ===

There are no disasters, only opportunities. And, indeed, opportunities for fresh disasters... Boris Johnson
   

not quite relaxed

Monday I'm out socialising. And practising my no-driving transport. Uber there, walk home. I enjoy the walk more than the uber, it's more relaxing.

Tuesday, socialising again. I take the easier option -- get a lift there with Deb, Deb picks me up after. As a reward, we have coffee and cake :-)

Each of my friends offers to give me a lift. Thank you!  I decide that I need the practice of independent travel... though a lift with Deb is cheating a little :-)

After a week of blaahhh it's great to get out and chat with friends. I notice that my chat is just a little bit manic. I may not be quite as relaxed as I should be. Not worried about the next surgery but still apprehensive about the results.

===

Meanwhile, I'm adding bits and pieces to my "life story". Deb suggests I write it "for the kids". Not for our kids, we agree. Perhaps for some future generation... far future. Deb says that she won't read it. Which is good, I don't need to censor what I write. (Of course, I believe Deb :-)

After a few false starts I've found a writing method that works: I think of something worth adding to the book, I write it as an email, post it to a "secret" email address and the email becomes a post on a blog. On that blog, it is posted as an unpublished draft.

Later, I get all those draft posts and add them -- wherever they fit -- into the book. Not many pages yet, but at least it's started.

That approach -- email to blog -- is what I use for *this* blog. Except that emails to this blog are published immediately.

So I'm emailing to this blog and emailing to my life story blog. A very similar approach.. I just hope that I don't select the wrong email address. I'm currently covering -- for the book -- topics such as women I have known and how I feel about them. (Some great memories :-)

If a post appears on this blog... talking about Platonic relationships... or largely unrequited lusts... oops, wrong blog! Though if you like it, perhaps I'm writing about you :-)

===

And another thing: My failed eyesight is a reminder: there is something nasty in my brain. It's had an interesting effect -- I've finally started to do some of those thing that I should be doing in preparation for death. Writing my life story, for example.

Three years' of saying, thank goodness I have plenty of time to prepare... and now, finally doing some of that preparation!

It's quite satisfying. (Though getting my app written is still... not happening.) Anyway, I'm doing a lot of stuff -- organising -- which is worth doing -- no matter what. And that's something to be glad about :-)

Dr Nick Lethbridge / Consulting Dexitroboper

...        Agamedes Consulting / Problems ? Solved

===

"No matter how much you push the envelope, it will still be stationery"

===

Dying for you to read my blog, at https://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com/ :-)

Warping in Stereo

With this recent batch of vision symptoms comes something ... odd: People look... different.

I notice it first with Deb. After forty-plus years, I recognise Deb. Deb is very very familiar. And yet -- now she looks... different. Her face looks different.

Deb's face is, I'm sure, unchanged. I *see* it as being different. Nose is a different shape. The planes of the face are more rounded. Not overall, rounded in small areas. Cheeks, chin, nose, each are just a little unfamiliar. Differently shaped. Adding up to a face which looks -- less familiar.

I have a quick grope. Yes, definitely Deb. Why does she look different?

Other -- familiar -- family members look different. Today at orienteering old familiar orienteers look... different. (Yes, our orienteering friends are often old :-)

I see a familiar person... the face is not so familiar... when I talk to them they are the person that they... resemble.

Very odd!

I have a vague worry. Is there some brain damage that is not obvious? Is my brain going completely to pot?

And then... I have it!

We see in stereo. Two images, one from each eye. Superimposed, slightly offset. The brain compares the two images and converts it to a three dimensional image, a familiar face.

Now I have lost vision to my left. Both eyes are failing to see what is to the left. A "different" pair of images reaches the brain -- with something missing to the left.

The brain gets a familiar image of the right of Deb's face. The image is missing a part of the left of the face. Superimpose the two images -- and the 3D image will be different.

The brain gets different images, missing stuff at the left. It builds a 3D image -- which is different to an image based on two full images of the same face.

All the 3D parts of a face -- lips, cheeks, nose... are warped -- because a part of the original images (the left part) is missing. The resulting 3D image... is different.

Phew! not a new problem! Just an interesting side-effect of loss of left image.

Perhaps my brain will learn to identify people from the new, lost-left images. Faces will become familiar again... though different.

Meanwhile: don't be surprised if I don't recognise you. I may know who you are but... you just look a little... UN familiar.

Dr Nick Lethbridge / Consulting Dexitroboper

...        Agamedes Consulting / Problems ? Solved

===

"No matter how much you push the envelope, it will still be stationery"

===

Dying for you to read my blog, at https://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com/ :-)

Status: 9th May 2021

The Status page -- between these posts and the top-of-page title -- is supposed to be a quick-look way to see how I am, right now. It's eight months old! Time to update:

Physical

There is nothing physical which stops me being as active as I want. It takes me over an hour to jog the 8km round the lake, that's fine Especially since I feel fit enough to be getting fitter.

My vision problem -- cancer-related damage -- means that I need to be careful in crowded areas. Half my left-side peripheral vision is gone -- permanently -- so I miss seeing obstacles on my left. Otherwise my vision is fading, as is normal, with age.

Inner-ear dizziness is manageable, it comes and goes. A sudden head turn in a dark or enclosed space makes me feel "uncertain" of my balance. I don't know what causes that. It's not enough to make me fall, nor even to stumble.

Mental

I read. I think. I remember. Crosswords are as easy and as hard as ever. I can plan, analyse, understand. I may be thinking a little slower than in the past, not enough to worry me, not enough for *me* to notice.

I have less ability to sit and work on one challenge for many hours on end. Or less willingness: sitting staring at a screen for hours on end is -- I believe -- the cause of my inner-ear dizziness.

I get confused. As far as I can tell this is not mental deterioration. Well, I hope not :-) It's because I can't look at something -- a map, a screen, a busy shopping area, I can't look and quickly see everything. I have to scan. Check particularly to my left. I take time to find specific things. It makes me feel confused, at first glance.

Emotional

Oh yes! I've had some ups and downs! I'm still a bit on the edge... ready to get upset. But no worse than ever. Not much worse, anyway. I'm satisfied with my emotional state: happily enjoying life, accepting of the inevitable, glad of the slow progress of the inevitable.

I'm worried about next week's surgery. Not as worried as Deb. Deb is worried about possible damage to my brain. I'm worried because I understand that the surgery is only a delaying tactic.

I do have a stronger belief in the inevitable. This week's fresh tumour is a reminder: the cancer will kill me. Sooner or later. Having actual symptoms -- loss of vision -- has made me really believe in the cancer, in the inevitable death by cancer. (Have I "internalised" the belief?) That is the most negative change in the past few weeks.

So... blink, click, brush, ommmmmm... Put it aside. Accept that my cancer "is" and put it aside. Live for the rather excellent here and now. I do what is necessary -- what the experts recommend -- to improve that future. At least, to make it less worse :-) I make a conscious effort to not let the future spoil the present. Neither useless worry nor blind optimism. I feel that I am -- emotionally -- where I want to be. Where I have mostly been -- on the good days -- for the last three years. Except that I now have a clearer understanding, that I *will* die. Which is fine, as long as I don't let it spoil my fun :-)

Dr Nick Lethbridge / Consulting Dexitroboper

...        Agamedes Consulting / Problems ? Solved

===

"No matter how much you push the envelope, it will still be stationery"

===

Dying for you to read my blog, at https://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com/ :-)