The Status page -- between these posts and the top-of-page title -- is supposed to be a quick-look way to see how I am, right now. It's eight months old! Time to update:
Physical
There is nothing physical which stops me being as active as I want. It takes me over an hour to jog the 8km round the lake, that's fine Especially since I feel fit enough to be getting fitter.
My vision problem -- cancer-related damage -- means that I need to be careful in crowded areas. Half my left-side peripheral vision is gone -- permanently -- so I miss seeing obstacles on my left. Otherwise my vision is fading, as is normal, with age.
Inner-ear dizziness is manageable, it comes and goes. A sudden head turn in a dark or enclosed space makes me feel "uncertain" of my balance. I don't know what causes that. It's not enough to make me fall, nor even to stumble.
Mental
I read. I think. I remember. Crosswords are as easy and as hard as ever. I can plan, analyse, understand. I may be thinking a little slower than in the past, not enough to worry me, not enough for *me* to notice.
I have less ability to sit and work on one challenge for many hours on end. Or less willingness: sitting staring at a screen for hours on end is -- I believe -- the cause of my inner-ear dizziness.
I get confused. As far as I can tell this is not mental deterioration. Well, I hope not :-) It's because I can't look at something -- a map, a screen, a busy shopping area, I can't look and quickly see everything. I have to scan. Check particularly to my left. I take time to find specific things. It makes me feel confused, at first glance.
Emotional
Oh yes! I've had some ups and downs! I'm still a bit on the edge... ready to get upset. But no worse than ever. Not much worse, anyway. I'm satisfied with my emotional state: happily enjoying life, accepting of the inevitable, glad of the slow progress of the inevitable.
I'm worried about next week's surgery. Not as worried as Deb. Deb is worried about possible damage to my brain. I'm worried because I understand that the surgery is only a delaying tactic.
I do have a stronger belief in the inevitable. This week's fresh tumour is a reminder: the cancer will kill me. Sooner or later. Having actual symptoms -- loss of vision -- has made me really believe in the cancer, in the inevitable death by cancer. (Have I "internalised" the belief?) That is the most negative change in the past few weeks.
So... blink, click, brush, ommmmmm... Put it aside. Accept that my cancer "is" and put it aside. Live for the rather excellent here and now. I do what is necessary -- what the experts recommend -- to improve that future. At least, to make it less worse :-) I make a conscious effort to not let the future spoil the present. Neither useless worry nor blind optimism. I feel that I am -- emotionally -- where I want to be. Where I have mostly been -- on the good days -- for the last three years. Except that I now have a clearer understanding, that I *will* die. Which is fine, as long as I don't let it spoil my fun :-)
Dr Nick Lethbridge / Consulting Dexitroboper
... Agamedes Consulting / Problems ? Solved
==="No matter how much you push the envelope, it will still be stationery"
Dying for you to read my blog, at https://notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com/ :-)
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