a rare sight

Tonight... a very rare sight: Deb looking very grumpy!

This Sunday is the Novelty rogaine. I'm hoping that at least some of the competitors will use pwmapapp during the competition. For a week I've been wanting to run through the data in the app. Finally said, Let's do it... as Deb is ready to go, exhausted, to bed. Oh my, Deb is grumpy.

Then, five minutes later, all is tested. 4590 points available, some limitations found, all is ready -- as ready as can be with a hand-crafted app -- ready for the rogaine.

Phew:-)

Meanwhile, other people are preparing for the event day. Maybe Deb is also feeling that stress. Me? I've passed the buck, all the non-app buck and am looking forward to the day.

Today we go to Bold Park. Deb runs, I walk.

I don't usually name things but, I'm so pleased with my four-wheel outdoor walking frame that I call it, Red Ghost who Walkers.

Okay, you'd need to be old and Australian to get anything from that name. But I am.

While walking, on road and path and grass, I occasionally stop to phone.

Family, just saying Hello.

But also, three people I am trying to link with.

A HEMP politician. I plan to be nominated, run for parliament, build the party into a respected force for political niceness and success then, stop.

The other two are Kings Park and Tourism. Both perfectly ready to use pwmapapp -- ready to turn world tourism on its head, ready to do great things, to lead the world... with my app.

Of course, first I have to break, or sneak, past the barriers of fear of a new idea.

I can barely claim to have started but... I'm doing something :-)

Here's a thing:

I have lost the embarrassment of being rejected. I mean. why should I care?

I have very limited future hopes at risk. No carefully built reputation to destroy. (Or if I have, it it's due to expire anyway, very soon.

It's all a very freeing situation.

And... I have nothing better to do. Except more and more of what I want -- have wanted to do -- for a few years now.

And succeed or fail -- I am *not* past caring. So, not past trying.

Poor Deb. What she has to put up with.

Dr Nick Lethbridge / Independent Dexitroboper

half blind, half deaf, dying of cancer,

So what.

===

..: notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com

My comic book brain

This -- as far as I understand it -- is the current situation with my brain:

I have a brain which looks like a cauliflower.

My brain does the thinking, then sends important messages down the stalk of the cauli -- which is called the brain stem  -- into my body, for action.

Now my cauli is infected with fungus... okay, it's a brain tumour -- cancer -- which has also grown over the cauli stalk, across and into my brain stem.

Why not clean the fungus off the cauli and stalk? Pour vinegar over it, or something?

Well my cauli is awfully complex. Even the best surgeon would not be able to scrape all of the fungus from out of that cauli.

The vinegar is a good idea. I'm already trying vinegar. Really, it's got a much longer name, it's very complex and very clever. I call it beelzebub because I can remember that.

Beelzebub is slowing down the growth of the fungus in my cauli. Not stopping it, there's too much even for beelzebub to clean it all out. But the tumour will slow down and that's great.

So now my skull holds a cauli which is covered with fungus. And the fungus is also all through the stalk, the brain stem.

The cauli still works okay, there's a lot of it and it's designed to keep working for as long as possible.

But... when the fungus damages too much of my brain stem -- the cauli will not be able to tell the body what to do. Then the body will... stop doing things.

Some of those things are not very important.

But what if the cauli is not able to remind the heart to beat? Well.. the heart will forget to beat... and I will start to die. That's why the brain stem is so important. It sends all of the messages. So it is very dangerous, to me, that my brain stem is being damaged by fungus... by a cancerous tumour.

When the cauli is not able to send messages through the brain stem then the body will not know what to do. And that will be bad.

So I slow down the fungus by pouring on the beelzebub.

That will keep me okay for a while. For days, weeks or months -- but we won't know until, well -- until we know.

Meanwhile, I get tired but feel okay, Though more tired than usual.

And I have time to think about another story.

This one is about how Princess and Skyelark flew in an airship (with a pigeon as a pilot) and how they solved the mystery of the three missing airships.

But that is all for now... 

Because,once upon a time.

It is time to go to sleep

So goodnight for now.

And that is tonight's story.

The End

But only the end of... this story.

Goodnight :-)

Dr Nick Lethbridge / Independent Dexitroboper

half blind, half deaf, dying of cancer,

So what.

===

..: notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com

what and when

My brain is a cauli -- now infested with a fungus, GBM4.

Unfortunately the fungus is also spread through the cauli stalk. Okay, into the brain stem.

Once the fungus does too much damage to the stem, the stem will stop working and I will die.

The cauli is far too complicated to let anyone scape out the fungus... not without risking even more damage.

So we pour on a fungicide -- beelzebub, a new chemo. And hope for the best. And the best is that the fungus will be slowed down... and that is a very hopeful hope.

How much slower will the fungus grow? No-one knows. This is all too new, Scientists know that it works but each brain , each tumour, is different.

With my slow brain... I've already outlived GBM4 expectations by several years... all that I can do is wait and see.

Which very much suits my style :-)

We hope for weeks, at least, of nothing bad happening.

I plan for a few months and hope for a couple of years (There are still some important things that I need to finish. Or, at least, to start.

I'll let you know when I'm finally dead :-)

Or, well... watch this space.

Dr Nick Lethbridge / Independent Dexitroboper

half blind, half deaf, dying of cancer,

So what.

===

..: notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com

Role rehearsal

Today we mind the grandson.

Deb minds him. He's tired, home from school, rests a lot. as nice as ever, rather quiet. Poor kid.

Anyway... I sit... relax... sleep through most of the afternoon... a perfect match for my role as grandad:-)

half blind. half deaf. dying of cancer.
so what?
notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com :-)

Dr Nick Lethbridge
Consulting Dexitroboper

   

The bladder is empty

All of my problems are solved: I have learnt how to empty my bladder.

Confused? This is the last? Of a series of pissing posts.

The bladder is a balloon. It fills with urine then empties the urine... by collapsing,squeezing out all of the liquid.

Except that my bladder fails to completely collapse.

I pee, feel that i have finished, yet the bladder is still half full. This causes all sorts of problems. The obvious one is, the need to pee again. Far too soon.

The solution is, empty the blasted bladder.

A standard suggestion is, "double-void. That is, pee and then, immediately, pee again.

Ha. It didn't work the first time, why should it work this time.

Here is the correct answer:

Squeeze your bladder till all the urine is squeezed out.

You can't just reach in and squeeze, so:

I squeeze by pressing my gut onto the bladder location. I'm guessing it's lower centre in the abdominal area.

So...

I bend forward at the waist. Feel the rest of my gut squashing, pressing down.

I do this sitting, standing, over and over,

. Add some knee lifts. Lifting the bladder into the gut, same squeeze effect.

Lift bum up, away, off toilet seat. Rotate hips a bit...

Variety... all trying to push the bladder towards flat.

All a bit random, I have only a vague idea where the bladder is...

Walk up and down, knee lifts, bending... etc.

Keep going until... I finally have the urge to pee. Sit, pee, perhaps repeat.

For how long? Until pee happens.

When I started, it all added five or ten minutes to a middle of the night trip to the toilet. Sheesh. But this second flow, sometimes not much -- is proof that bending/squashing... is better than letting it stay in.

It does seem to get easier, not sure why.

Once, I did a room circuit with zimmer. Just walking, slightly hunched over the frame -- is enough to getting more pee flowing. This time, anyway.

Is my bladder now empty? I have no idea, I don't have the nurses magic scanner.

How long do I keep trying? Until pee happens. Sometimes, a minute or two, sometimes more or less.

Time to pee seems to be reducing.

Perhaps my bladder is compressing back towards youth. Perhaps my bending is better, better targeted. perhaps I take just as long at the post-pee squeeze. I don't know... I don't care!

My peeing is now under control :-)

What I do know is -- I can go back to bed and sleep, without the sudden urge to pee again, i can sleep for more of the night.

Even better: very similar approach -- and desperate daytime peeing is under control.

An entire morning shopping, drinking, driving -- with no need at all... to search for a toilet,

Bliss, relief :-)

And yes, kidneys are still working! As well as ever. Without the desperation of the past.

half blind. half deaf. dying of cancer.
so what?
notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com :-)

Dr Nick Lethbridge
Consulting Dexitroboper

   

Here we go again

I wake from a dream. Essentially, a dream of, Here we go again. 

I realise, yes, I have been diagnosed with terminal cancer. My first impulse is  is to -- rush out and tell everyone! Immediately.

Specifically, this time: a small group of friends and rellies hear from me (and Deb) only once each year, via my annual Christmas Letter. Christmas 2024 is, slowly, approaching. Will there be time for me to write a letter?

I am running a mental finger down that list of names. Thinking. How shall I tell this person that I am seriously sick? What about this person?

I feel the urge to tell them... now... just in case Christmas is too late...

Ar least, that is my conscious thinking. Pretending that my impulse is for the benefit of others...

The dream makes me think: My urge is really... to tell others, to spread the news... to lighten my own load.

Well, blow it: that's what this blog is for.

To allow me to get things, good and bad, off my chest. In my own style. No pausing for effect. No wondering about impact on others. Just write... post... feel clearer, better... then get on with *my* own life. (Okay, and without needing to disturb Deb, all the time:-)

Some people get news as and when it happens. That is friendly gossip, keeping it touch. Immediate family, probably, want to know immediately. They feel immediate concern and want or are are happy to be... close within a circle of immediate concern.

 The Christmas letter list:

Yes, do want to pass on the latest news. There's one friend, fell of the list. I believed he was dead... till he came through his own difficult time... and provided his own, years later, Christmas news. That lack of news can be ... awkward, not pleasant.

I'm running my finger down the list again.

Yes, some people do need to know but not immediately. Need to know in the general course of things. As in, hey, here's some news, guess what's happening over at our place. Friendly gossip. Keeping in touch with friends. No great rush.

Because yes it's,  Here we go again.

Guess what. I have cancer. It's terminal. There is no schedule, only guesses (and hope). I'll take the treatment. Go through ups and downs. Feel good, feel bad.

Enjoy myself. Enjoy this analysis of myself!

 All much the same as for the last seven years or, possibly, the same as my last 72 years.

And I'll write, send, the 2024 Christmas letter at its expected time. With whatever annual news there is.

Yes, there will be few pre-christmas emails. Gossip, news, thinking of you... that sort of thing. ( Well, and trying to not cause people to choke on their weeties!

My immediate urge to "share" is really an urge to unburden.

And that is why I blog.

My dreaming subconscious really does understand me.

===

This post is somewhat fake. I finish and realise, I'm making a deliberate attempt to, not soften but... not shock. Some of that is for my blog reader.

But 99% is still for me. In this post, just in this post, honest, I deliberately avoid blunt shock. 

In part in sympathy to the sensitive reader.

Mainly, though-- for me.

I think, I type, I think again.

Is that really how I feel? Avoiding shock. To others... oh... and to myself.

Yep, that feels right. Good.

Blog working well.

And now...

Back to sleep. Feeling fine.

Perchance to dream...

half blind. half deaf. dying of cancer.
so what?
notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com :-)

Dr Nick Lethbridge
Consulting Dexitroboper

   

Beautiful, relaxing morning wandering, several hours, round in the shops and sun.

The outdoor walker (Red Ghost who Walkers) is brilliant. So very convenient.

Home, lunch, then sleep...,phew :-)

And it has to be said. As I wake up, stand up, I say:

Ah, I miss the old chamber pot. But then, I always did.

Ha!

The walking was interrupted by *no* desperate need to pee. What a relief.

half blind. half deaf. dying of cancer.
so what?
notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com :-)

Dr Nick Lethbridge
Consulting Dexitroboper

   

Busy, busy

Yesterday was... sunday:

Deb and I go to Zamia in Kings Park for coffee.

I take the new outdoor walking frame, which is excellent but not used today.

I'm walking well, occasional hand on deb's shoulder, guidance rather than balance.

Dinner is quiet, only one son, the young mob stay home -- with a virus :-( oh well, kids get these things.

I spend a few evening hours writing to an MP. A WA cannabis party member.

I have decided to nominate, run, reform and grow the LCA party make it a power for goodness and niceness.

First, though, I need to get the party interested :-) 

My hopes are low but, I enjoy trying :-)

Far more enjoyable... satisfying... than just sitting still.

I write. Creative, sometimes with a purpose.

I have one short story on the go. One possible full novel... idea, outline... which may be beyond me... or not?

Several Hopefully convincing emails -- which will need to be followed by phone calls -- about my app.

Novelty rogaine in a week, need a final simple app test before that.

Sheesh! So much to do!

Why am I just sitting here relaxing? 

Time to join Deb for breakfast :-)

half blind. half deaf. dying of cancer.
so what?
notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com :-)

Dr Nick Lethbridge
Consulting Dexitroboper

   

Hey nursie

The last visiting nurse, that was silver chain, several days ago, did ask about my bowels and bladder. It's very nice to find someone else sharing my fascination with pee and poo :-)

My bladder works -- better than ever. Learning to really empty my bladder is working. Brilliantly.

There are already many posts on my peeing.

Though I have yet to describe what I actually do. And I'll include a bit on how wrong everyone else is :-) later.

Bowels also work. Settled down nicely. Regular though on the Bristol poo scale it's # 4 or 5, too squishy. Due, I guess, to total lack of proper exercise and change of eating, not change of diet, but a bit less and, perhaps, less obvious gorge (heavy meal) and starve (wait for dinner) cycle.

In summary, thank you, nursie, my bladder and bowel are working very well.

And that is very definitely something to be glad about :-)

half blind. half deaf. dying of cancer.
so what?
notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com :-)

Dr Nick Lethbridge
Consulting Dexitroboper

   

Social night

The annual OWA dinner. Can we handle the social pressure? Yep, no worries, it's fun. Less fun for Deb, who feels the pressure to be sociable. Yet she's a natural. Everyone enjoys chatting with Deb.

Me, I just sit, enjoying the social buzz, chatting with a few people who stop to chat, managing to hear not all of what they are saying.

On the drive home Deb tells me who else was sitting at our table, updates me with their gossip.

Good grief, were those two just up the table from us? so what if  I'm half blind. I really need to learn to compensate, to look round, to try to identify old friends. Yes, old, those are the ones that we know :-) and that know us.

Good food, good company, come home with a pleasant buzz.

Buzzing but tired :-)

half blind. half deaf. dying of cancer.
so what?
notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com :-)

Dr Nick Lethbridge
Consulting Dexitroboper

   

walking at Bold Park

Beautiful Spring Day, we go to Bold Park.

I walk on the flat areas -- with an outdoor walking frame -- that's the photo in another post -- while Deb runs in the hilly areas.

I'm outside! all by myself !

What a terrific day :-)

Slow, steady, no worries.

with a bonus:

Walking for more than an hour. Months ago, that would have involved ... several... stops to pee.

Not today! Just an enjoyable, uninterrupted, comfortable stroll.

My practice in bladder-emptying, subject of several past and future posts, is really working.

Dr Nick Lethbridge / Independent Dexitroboper

half blind, half deaf, dying of cancer,

So what.

===

..: notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com

A Tale for the ages, by Churchlands resident Nick Lethbridge

You think I'm having fun?

The story below was actually printed in our local Community Newspaper... and I am absolutely Thrilled !!

===

The Very Hungry Shopping Centre

Once upon a time,

 

There was a very small shopping centre.

This shopping centre was called the Forum.

The Forum had a dozen shops. It also had a small carpark but no roof.

At one end of the Forum was an office where the Architect sat, all alone. He spent all day drawing new and bigger plans.

 

The Forum was a very young shopping centre and it was very hungry.

 

In January, the Forum was so hungry that it ate the architect's office. The Forum gave a small and delicate burp. The architect moved to West Perth, to share a bigger office with other architects.

 

In February, the very hungry shopping centre ate the Bank.

The Forum gave a burp and the Bank was gone. All that remained was an ATM. Then the shopping centre ate the ATM and all that was left was a phone number for an overseas call centre.

 

In March, the very hungry shopping centre ate the Pet Shop. There were no more Cats or Dogs in the Forum but the remains of the Pet Shop were found at a puppy farm in the outer suburbs.

 

In April, the very hungry shopping centre ate the shop which sold Exercise Equipment. The Forum gave a large burp and added a gym, which included all sorts of Exercise Equipment which could be used by paying members of the gym.

The Forum was now large enough to add a roof.

 

In May, the very hungry shopping centre ate the Film processing shop. Burp!

No-one really noticed because everyone used digital cameras and looked at their photos on their phone screens.

 

In June, the very hungry shopping centre ate the Gift shop.

Nobody minded because everyone now ordered their gifts online.

The Forum gave a rude burp, digested the Gifts and built a larger carpark which was undercover.

 

In July, the very hungry shopping centre ate the Grocery shop.

the Forum gave a large belch and grew a new grocery shop at one end.

 

In August, the very hungry shopping centre ate the Hardware shop.

The Forum made a rather rude noise and hardware remains were found on the top shelf of aisle seven in Bunnings.

 

In September, the very hungry shopping centre ate the Jeweller.

The Forum pulled in its stomach and made room for pop-up knick-knack shops in its corridors.

 

In October, the very hungry shopping centre ate the Laundromat.

The Forum burped up a Drycleaner and grew bigger.

In November the very hungry shopping centre ate the Sandwich shop.

Now the Forum had a very sore tummy, until it belched and created several fast food take-away shops.

 

In December the very hungry shopping centre groaned a bit and grew even larger. It ate the fast food shops and burped up new restaurants.

 

January was a brand new year and the very hungry shopping centre looked rather tired.

 

In February The Forum seemed to be resting. Until...

In March, the very hungry shopping centre surrounded itself with a protective chrysalis. There was noise and dust and work inside the shell of the chrysalis but no-one could see what was going on inside.

And then...

in April... the chrysalis cracked open.

Now the Forum was able to escape from its chrysalis.

 

What had happened to the very small and very hungry shopping centre?

In May, the new Forum emerged. And it was much bigger and very new and very impressive. Everyone was amazed.

And then in June...

The new and quite large Forum stretched.

It was new and large and it was still very hungry.

 

And so the very hungry shopping centre looked around. And it began to eat the surrounding buildings.

And the Forum was very big and very beautiful

And some of its neighbours wondered what it would eat next.

The End

 

Dr Nick Lethbridge / Independent Dexitroboper

half blind, half deaf, dying of cancer,

So what.

===

..: notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com

Spring walkabout

only ten minutes to post one photo :/)

Dr Nick Lethbridge / Consulting Dexitroboper
...

===

If everyone is thinking the same way, then someone is not thinking.

Pee is for problems

I've put a lot of thought into peeing. Problems and solutions. Too much to document in a well organised way.

Time to just dump it... ie document my thoughts (findings)... so I can put it aside and change focus.

Forget the process of discovery. 

These are pee-related problems: and my claim of cause and what works for me.

====

Problems.

Wake up, go to the toilet, pee till empty, back to bed... immediately need to pee again.

Can't leave home without needing to pee while out. Several times.

Drip, dribble and leak, small quantities but embarrassing.

Pee, possibly only small quantities, many times per day. And night.

My piss stinks. Sometimes.

UTIs. Not my problem but related, possibly all one cause.

===

Problem: my bladder is never empty.

It may feel empty, briefly -- but it is not.

Nurses used a hand held scanner to show me... my bladder is still half full... always.

So I just piss.

I go back to the toilet. Push out the remaining piss... and my bladder is *still* half full.

There is no muscle for pushing out the piss.

But my bladder is one solid sheet of muscle,I hear you say. Actually it's my son who tells me that.

Yes, the bladder is a balloon of muscle.

The muscle collapses -- like a water balloon -- and urine is squeezed out.

My bladder does not collapse flat enough. It fails to push out all pee. Lost muscle tone due to age, perhaps?

I am left with a still inflated bladder -- still containing urine.

So I push the pee, harder.

Nope... there is no voluntary control over my bladder.

It is constantly trying to collapse. I have no choice in the process.

So what am I doing when I sit on the toilet and feel as though I am pushing pee?

First, I am opening sphincters. *Allowing* the urine to flow from bladder to out. Allowing. Not pushing.

The bowels, though -- they can push.

I sit on the toilet and push... the poo. Poo and pee systems are close. Pushing poo through the bowels may pass some matching pressure onto the pee pipes.

But there is no *voluntary* muscle to make me pass pee.

Only sphincters which... allow... urine to pass (or not).

Urine flowa because the bladder is constantly pushing, collapsing, pushing pee out.

So what?

My bladder is always, constantly, at least half full.

My kidneys work, very well.

Kidneys add urine to a bladder which is already part full... and which quickly becomes fully full.

I very quickly feel the need to pee again.

Too many times to the toilet? That's because I have, in effect -- a half sized bladder. The rest of the bladder still holds pee which should really have already have passed.

The pee does go somewhere.

===

My bladder is still, always, half full of urine.

The final penis sphincter does stop the flow.

Which leaves the tube between bladder and outside -- holding urine.

A pipe full of urine. Between bladder -- not enough pressure to push it through, and not peeing out the final distance.

Urine is sterile. At the start.

Let it sit a while in my urethra (is that right?) -- And it gets stale. Picks up bacteria. Goes off.

In the shower: I wipe the end of my penis... there is a stink of aged urine.

Right near the exit.that is stale urine. Stuck inside, very close to whatever is just outside, able to, well, rot and stink.

Smells like the wall of a night club, the day after a party. Stale and rotting urine.

In my penis it's just a small amount.just as smelly. (If, like me, you are interested in analysing these things:-)

Btw: I'm a man. I guess the process is similar for a woman. Perhaps with a less effective sphincter control system.

So... UTIs:

No practical experience but...

I'm thinking that... having a tube containing a quantity of urine, slowly rotting because it cannot escape... well, that sounds like a breeding ground for UTIs

Drips, dribbles, leaks?

My bladder is never empty. So the urethra, ditto.

The final sphincter holds it in, in the tube,

Until I lose concentration and accidentally let a bit out. Or even, the sphincter is not as water tight as it once was.

So, unexpected, unwanted, drips escape.

=== 

That covers problems... and the one basic cause.

I hope it does :-) I'm not going back to re-read.

Of course I also have the fix.

Not perfect but logical and -- it is working for me.

But needs a separate post.

half blind. half deaf. dying of cancer.
so what?
notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com :-)

Dr Nick Lethbridge
Consulting Dexitroboper

   

Feeling philosophical

A solid, sound, 

Six hours' sleep. I wake to... ifeeling fine but with... indigestion.

Which leads me to ...

We live well past our body's use by design date. Thirty years? I'm well past that. The body continues but needs maintenance and suffers minor and major breakdowns.

That's built in to the design philosophy.

We are designed for constant renewal -- and replacement. It gives the race a chance for continual, racial, improvement. Though a bit rough on the worn out individual.

Dinosaurs stayed still -- and disappeared... before they even had a chance to invent, for example, monoclonal antibodies.

I'm a replaceable cog in the massive machine that is the still-developing human race.

Sure, j get indigestion.

Perhaps my replacement cogs will have improved past indigestion :-)

half blind. half deaf. dying of cancer.
so what?
notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com :-)

Dr Nick Lethbridge
Consulting Dexitroboper

   

good grief!

We've just spent some time, almost an hour, attempting to communicate with... well... I'll be polite.

Aged Care Aus, perhaps? A woman with an accent though, luckily, I can clearly understand her.

What a pity that she completely fails to understand me :-(

I speak clearly. Loud. Simple words. She apologises for the poor line. Not at our end. We can clearly hear her.

I try to tell her to send an email, she seems to completely miss that. Or ignores it... probably outside her fixed script.

For today, what she wants is for me to give consent for Deb to speak and act on my behalf.

Well, I did hand the phone to Deb, with an introduction to the caller, This is my wife Deb, she'll speak on my behalf. But that's not good enough.

I try, yes, I consent, variations on a theme of consent. Nothing gets through to the woman.

Perhaps her accent is worse in her ears than in her mouth :-)

We, me with Deb's calm repetition and explanation, reach an agreement.

Which seems to be: "they" will send someone to look at our house. To check it over for potential hazards.

Which will make the third group who will have checked the house for hazards. Not counting me, I've spent months shifting minor obstacles and learning to avoid the hazards.

Sigh...

I hope that this is a govt agency, doing its best to support the frail and aged (and me).

If it's a group set up purely to rip money out of NDIS, then

... good grief.

Dr Nick Lethbridge / Independent Dexitroboper

half blind, half deaf, dying of cancer,

So what.

===

..: notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com

Zimmer training

While still in hospital, I did the training to drive a Zimmer Frame. Yes, it's very simple :-)

After some practical exercise, here are the essentials:

1. Do not lean heavily. The frame is purely for balance, not support.

2. Do dragging turns. It does not turn like a car. Drag it round till it points the right way.

3. Keep it close. If there's any risk of fall it's when you turn, reach too far and miss.

4. As you park, be thinking of how you will be getting back.

5. Never go backwards. The wheels are at the front, skids at the back.

If you try to reverse -- the skids could catch on something.

So... always go forwards. And if that is not a great lesson for life then I don't know what is :-)

Dr Nick Lethbridge / Independent Dexitroboper

half blind, half deaf, dying of cancer,

So what.

===

..: notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com

(1) micturation

Yes, this is the pissing post :-)

On my very first stay in hospital each nurse uses a magic hand-held scanner and tells me, Your bladder is still half full of urine.

So what? I wonder.

If you don't empty your bladder, says one burse, with a tut tut and a wagging finger, You will become incontinent.

No matter how much I push urine, I'm still a bladder-half-full kind of guy. So I picture myself spending my life sitting in a puddle of my own urine.

Not quite what happens.

Now let's start another post:

In fact... I've put so much analysis into this topic, I'll spread it over a series of posts.

Stay tuned...

Dr Nick Lethbridge / Independent Dexitroboper

half blind, half deaf, dying of cancer,

So what.

===

..: notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com

Processed

My subconscious has churned.

Worked through issues. Examined. Understood.

Used many words to help me to understand.

Now done.

Status at 24oct24:

Physical.

Cancer in brain stem is actively working to kill me. Best time estimate is: sooner rather than later.

Side effects are well managed by minor drugs. Major drugs will slow the decline.

Noticeable effects on physical well-being could as easily be due to age.

Mental: bloody good memory. Still doing crosswords etc.

Apparent problems are due to vision: I miss seeing clearly, effect may be confused with confusion.

Emotional: now much better settled. Not entirely happy but... satisfied. Enjoying... the "challenge" of life.

Ready to tackle some things which may be pointless... but which need to be attempted.

To nowhere near infinity and... beyond :-)

Happy.

half blind. half deaf. dying of cancer.
so what?
notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com :-)

Dr Nick Lethbridge
Consulting Dexitroboper

   

So much clearer

Now I know what I've been doing for the last week.

"Processing"

Ignore the last wordy posts. 

They worked for me. 

Now i am back to normal.

Normal for me, that is :-)

But...Restart from here.

half blind. half deaf. dying of cancer.
so what?
notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com :-)

Dr Nick Lethbridge
Consulting Dexitroboper

   

Cannabis

I'm a long term member of Legalise Cannabis Australia.

I fully support their aim to, my new words, freedom toChoose to use .. or not

New thought: 

The right to choose to use but not abuse. Yes, I like that,

I don't tell LCA that if asked I would say, don't use it.i support right to choose, I'm against actual use,

I send email to nominations committee. Nominate me for churchlands...

I will do amazing things for and with the party.

No modesty. More important... no embarrassment. It'll work or,,, not my problem. But it's time to try. With enthusiasm.

I expect no answer.

Today is thursday? They've had a couple of days.

I'll get some sleep...

Then push... email... another follow me and get great message.

Bugger quiet it'll never work thinking.

Do something.mit may work,

Do nothing and... definitely nothing :-)

half blind. half deaf. dying of cancer.
so what?
notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com :-)

Dr Nick Lethbridge
Consulting Dexitroboper

   

Contacts.

All via Web forms. Getting to emails is progress.

All I have is two target names never met either. Only know them by their public roles.

Each is hiding behind layers of bureaucratic bunk and obfuscation. Looking good behind impenetrable walls of possible false facades.

My email signature excuses my preference to start at least with email. Phone would be more difficult, need a bit more preparation.

Video call? Would be a miracle :-)

I write the words, aim to *spread* my app enthusiasm. Aim to get other people as enthusiastic. Starting with... interested?

I'm tired. Confuse people's  names. Time to call it a night, day by then.

Sleep 5 or6 hours.

Wake up... either confused, or... no... it feels clarified.

Oh yes, that's only half of what I'm doing.

half blind. half deaf. dying of cancer.
so what?
notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com :-)

Dr Nick Lethbridge
Consulting Dexitroboper

   

Filling in a few days

Written from memory. Days and details may vary from reality :-)

Tuesday night.

Restless. I spend the night preparing pwmapapp to be used for the 3nov rogaine. Feels good to be doing it. Positive action. Reminds me that it is a good app.

And a good, well set, rogaine.

I sleep maybe 3 or 4 hours.

Wednesday.

Liz of silver chain visits. She will arrange for a loaner walking frame. So I can walk outside. More freely.

All else is good.

Deb has invited Brian and Anne to visit. Social and rogaine purposes.

Brian and I gossip. Exchange anecdotes, talk around the rogaine preparation.

Deb and Anne... talk...?

Very enjoyable few hours. I'm a natural talker, can talk for hours with good company. Even I end up tired.

Tuesday night, Wednesday rest of day:

I sleep a few hours here and there.

My focus is on... making contact with people who I may be able to convince to take an interest in actual use of pwmapapp. As a real app... an app which will absolutely turn tourism on its head. In a very good way.

If I can get someone to listen... to try... to look.

I focus on tourismWA, tourism is their task,

And on kings Park. The app is already set up to go with a brilliant demo of what and how it works. Leading tourists to the existing 30 memorials scattered round the park.

So, two good targets.

Do I sound ridiculous? Over keen, gung ho.

My memory of my app is refreshed... it's brilliant.

That's the mood I'm in. I want to maintain the mood. Use it to influence... influence people who should be willing to help.

Is this just a bit embarrassing?

I'm dying. Weeks or days to go.

Bugger embassassment.

I'm firing on all cylinders.

A last gasp at the finish? Maybe.

But bugger me... give it a bloody good go.

Very little sleep... too... excited... too ready to push.

Sleep is for wimps :-)

I wake. Midnight. Still firing.

Enthusiastic.

Ready to... keep pushing.

Burn out rather than rust.

half blind. half deaf. dying of cancer.
so what?
notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com :-)

Dr Nick Lethbridge
Consulting Dexitroboper

   

Soon tired

I've spent 30 or 40 hours awake.

Not wide awake but restlessly... not wanting to sleep.

Not sleep solidly, anyway.

Now look, I think I'm right.

I've just woken up, sitting on the couch. Almost 1 a.m. I feel ... as though I have come out of confusion. As though my mind is now clear.

Of course it could be that I am *now* confused.

Whatever :-) this is what I believe that I shall remember...

I am tense. Frightened. nervous.

I am home, no pain. Strangely happy.

The absolute truth is... I am at home because I (and Deb) have chosen that I will die at home.

Die.

A very easy decision to make.

Not easy to decide to die, no. But at home... not locked in a hospital. Not locked in even the most pleasant of palliative palaces... at home is the place to be.

For that, my main concern is (1) my own immediate comfort. Then to make it as easy as possible for the family... for Deb in particular.

Yes. As I type this I think. I feel. Yes... that feels correct.

Perhaps I shall label these last few days as...

Delayed and  denied ... post traumatic shock.

It also feels... to me... as though that could be close enough to being correct.

==

Either that or... I'm now inventing a state of mind which allows me to explain, with minimum embarrassment, why its late, I'm tired, I'll soon get to bed.

Hey, my blog. I think I'm close to truth. So,

I spend a week coping.

Looking... perhaps... as though I am coming to terms with my impending death.

Death. I wanted to type demise. A softer word. And clever use of language... just my style, for writing.

A few days of looking as tho I am coping.

In fact... a few days of... dealing with... less consciously... the shock of having a deadly cancer... now growing in the part of my brain where it will finally do its long intended work of killing me.

Look... don't worry about me.sometimes I like to talk, to 2rite. I try to get as much truth as possible into this blog... it really helps me.emotionally, at least.

And even saying good morning takes, for me... a lot of words.

Each word feels true... or else I would not type it. Feels true but, is it? Each word feels true, yes.

It also feels as though each word is... taking me closer to a true *understanding*

Ohhh is *that* how I really feel?!

One of the great *mental and emotional* pleasures of my life, is to (think that i) understand people

 its easier... and sometimes simpler, to understand myself. Easier access to data, for one thing.

I wake up. Middle of the night. Alone. A bit... not confused but...

Hang on... is that clarity?

It feels like an epiphany. It feels right.brilliant!

I feel as though I have reached below the cover of my mind and found... wow... that is so fascinating... possibly even clever?

Whatever. It feels correct. To me.

Whether I'm expressing me y self at all sensibly... doesn't matter.

Crawling after the truth -- and I may have uncovered a small and unexpected nugget.

It feels good. Clever.

Don't worry...

There are plenty of words still to come :-) ... in later posts.

Has all this wordy... groping for truth... scared off both my readers? Doesn't worry me.

I'm happy.

The blog is, as usual... working.

half blind. half deaf. dying of cancer.
so what?
notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com :-)

Dr Nick Lethbridge
Consulting Dexitroboper

   

current status

status at 23 oct 24:

I'm sitting at the PC. Middle of the night. Enjoying myself, wrapping up minor actions, some essential, others just enjoyable.

A typical night, in fact. I like to "work" late.

Every so often I think, I could die within a week. And you know what? It barely worries me.

I don't accept it. But it's now... just a part of my life.

So... for those who wonder:

Less than two weeks ago I travelled by ambulance to ED at RPH.

Mark, the surgeon who removed my brain tumour seven years ago, he looked at CT and MRI scans and said that he should not operate. I agreed.

I now have cancer thoughout my brain stem. Giving me anywhere from within weeks to... maybe... with new treatment... I could live two years. (I've started the new treatment.)

Barely a shock for me, I've been expecting this "chaos theory" style of sudden explosive growth of the cancer. (GBM4 as first diagnosed (is there a GBM5?)

Now I am back home. Very comfortable and... I have to say it... very happy.

Happy? Well... no more doubt about what will happen. But still a lot of uncertainty as to... when.

Though I think I have finally lost my life-long attitude of, no rush, I can always leave off doing whatever, I can always do it later.

Replaced by the certainty that either "it" will never get done... or it won't be *my* problem.

Hmmm... except that a few procrastinated actions are keeping me busy, they are worth doing even in the short-term.

With the bonus that, If I fail so miserably that it's embarrassing: I won't care for long... and that's something to glad about :-)

Dr Nick Lethbridge / Consulting Dexitroboper

half blind, half deaf, dying of cancer,

So what.

===

..: notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com

exhausting but fun

Last year a couple of us set a novelty (metro) rogaine... which was cancelled due to stinking hot weather.

The event will actually be (re) run in a week or so.

My thinking is to run it, using my pwmapapp to confirm results (just backing up the usual paper&pencil).

I spend some time making sure all current data is loaded into the app.

Some time? I'm up all night. Great fun :-)

Now I'm happy... enough... with app. And amazed at the brilliance of our event :-)

So... tired.. and today is grandson's after school swimming. Should I go?

Of course!

A most enjoyable day :-)

Though I'm still a bit weary :-)

Dr Nick Lethbridge / Consulting Dexitroboper

half blind, half deaf, dying of cancer,

So what.

===

..: notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com

a day of chemo

Today I start a new chemo treatment. Over a few months it should (may) slow down the tumour growth.

I spend 90 minutes getting beelzebub pumped into my veins. No problems, quite relaxing.

Deb sits with me the entire time. Very nice.

There will be shorter treatments every three weeks, for three months. Then a scan to see if it is helping.

It's a huge scientific/medical advance since the start of my cancer. Not a "winner" but definitely better :-)

And guess what?! It makes *me* feel a lot better!

emotionally.

I came home with the certain knowledge that I could die. Quickly. Within days.

I still could... but...

Something is being *done*

It may work. If it does, it will still be, most optimistic, for two years. It may not work at all.

But... something *is* being done. I'm not just... waiting.

And that is something to be glad about :-)

===

For a personal rant but not about cancer:

I'm trying to prepare pwmapapp for a large-scale test. But...

You may wish to ignore  My Three Rs: no beating the crapple (my3rs.blogspot.com)

:-)

Dr Nick Lethbridge / Consulting Dexitroboper

half blind, half deaf, dying of cancer,

So what.

===

..: notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com

new chemo

first day of a new chemo treatment.

90 minutes with a drip into my vein.

not a cure but may slow tumour growth.

then repeat every three weeks until...??

the chemo drug name sounds a bit like Beelzebub. It's a monoclonal antibody.

I'll have to read up on that!

good news: not expecting much side effect from this chemo :-)

==

a bit later: The photo, taken during the IV treatment, was meant to show the cannula sticking into the back of my hand.

What it mostly shows is... why I don't bother taking photos with my phone :-)

Dr Nick Lethbridge / Consulting Dexitroboper
...

===

If everyone is thinking the same way, then someone is not thinking.