Status 13oct24

It's 4am on a Sunday. I woke up half an hour ago, cold and thirsty.and, now, tired but a bit restless. A good time to think about how I am and how I feel.

Emotionally: quite good, really.

It may be that I really have passed through denial,etc,and into acceptance. Definitely not happy but --right here and now -- content to accept what is happening.

I almost typed, what *will* happen.

No. I'm... closest I can think of it is...I'm annoyed.

So much to do.most of which I could never do anyway. See, if I ruled the world... I have so many ideas for improvement :-) most of which would be impossible or fail, I have another blog for them...

So do I have "so much to live for"? No, rubbish.i've lived and am living an excellent life. Like most people I guess, I could do, should have done, a whole lot more, even better.

I'd like to save the world but, A. could i? Perhaps my ideas are wrong, B,is the world worth saving? Definitely yes, 

C does the world want to be saved? Probably not, not to my particular standards anyway.

Sorry, rambling. And there's more.

I hope I have made a difference. In a small way, in a small area. If my world saving drive was stronger -- I would be miserable for never meeting an impossible, possibly wrong, standard.

I hope I have made deb's life happy. I'm amazingly impressed by our two boys. Pleased with the two "daughters" they have married into the family. Two grandchildren growing up to be terrific. Enough :-)

Let someone else save the world. They'll get it wrong but I won't be here to worry.

Right now I am tired but happy. With undertones of fear and misery and... relief. Seven years of worry getting closer to the long expected end. Phew :-)

Physical status: dying.

Brain cancer diagnosed as GBM4 in 2017.

Now: tumour extended into the brain stem. Deadly. Life expectancy anywhere from weeks to months. Not years.

Surgery too dangerous. Chemo possible, may help, will not cure. May stretch my life to that extra less-than-one-year.

Current symptoms are tendency to fall over. But with rest, two minor drugs and careful walking I'm feeling fine.

Stuck in hospital but will leave tomorrow -- to suit my preference to die at home.

And that's the thing. Dying is definite but I have some choice of where. When, is completely random. I will get weaker. Head to paralysis. Sleep more. Hopefully not fall again. Finally not wake up. Easy as.

If I have to have terminal cancer this is the one to have.

Plenty of time to enjoy, gain sympathy, get embarrassed because I'm still alive.

Clear knowledge of what's happening, time to analyse (sorry) and no pain at all.

Headaches in the last weeks, rated one to three on a one to ten scale. Trivial.

Mental status: no worse than ever... as far as I can tell :-) rambling on is not cancer, it's just me.

Happy because I'll be going home on Monday, the reason doesn't matter, home with Deb is a terrific cheerer-upper... for me, I hope also for deb.

I'm thinking... I'll never save the world. But I'm still doing things to make me more satisfied with my achievements.

Last night I typed the start of my next of a dozen or more short stories. Some are printed not published... my legacy... stories as silly as me.

There's "my app". A brilliant app to draw more tourists to more destinations. Sure, tourism WA refuse to listen but I still try.

Next month is a rogaine. I'm one of the setters, the rogaine will use my app! It will work, unless it's been wiped from the app libraries. 

It still needs a heap of work. If people do use it for the rogaine, if it gains some interest even amazement, I will be thrilled.

See? So much still happening. I will die. My app may be forgotten. Stories may be read then ignored.

My family will do brilliant things, or not, if they don't. I love them all and am immensely proud of them all (while blaming deb for how good they are)

Here and now,cheerful, not happy but contented.

Done enough. Could have done more but I've done something. And if there's an afterlife -- I want to ask Houdini why he has still not reported back to earth.

And the rest... I leave to someone else.

Does anyone want it?

I have tried but abandoned attempts to write my life story. Perhaps I can just say: marrying deb was the best thing I have ever done.

I have a short travel journal by my father, it's fascinating. Perhaps this blog and my own travel journals will, some say, entertain someone but for now they are for my own benefit.tonight's ramble clears my mind. It may not be coherent but now my mind is clearer. I'm depressed but happy. Satisfied with the here and now. Ready to enjoy the shortish term and, after that... not my worry.

dying for you to read: notdotdeaddotyet.blogspot.com :-)